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MIL wants me to become exactly like her!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by icyspicy, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    ICY,

    First take up the job and don't even think not taking up the job in dream and rest of the house your MIL can handle easily.If you are not there in the house,typically she will not have any expecation from you.
    All of us who started family,all the house hold work will be tough but eventually we will learn and become robust.Don't think what the hell all this.This is all part of our life and all of us have to work hard to get a meal.
    So take up a job without second thought .
     
  2. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    my perfect MIL is not ready for any "precut" veggies....she wants to cut only during the time of making....its too hectic for me....she is so experienced n has so much more energy then me ...so she expects me also to be comfortable with wot she does...im a different person ...i cant become someone else just to complete the task i have my way of doing things too...i can adjust to a certain extent but not beyond the limits...she n my husband should understand tht....thats wot i want from them....i feel im being take for granted by both of them....being treated like rubbish.....they require me only for things they expect but my expectation n convinience dosent matter to them both...thts where im upset with my dh.
     
  3. cutekid

    cutekid Silver IL'ite

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    Icespicy,

    How many veggies do u make?I think so for 3-4 people,cutting veggies will not take more than 5-10min.Why are you taking every thing your MIL telling in a negative manner.Because if you cant speak up and still have so much hatred inside you it will hurt no one else but you.
     
  4. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    Ok..i agree to whatever u r saying abt handling MIL but the strain btwn me and dh is increasing....i forgot to tell u guys oen thing...last week when i got my periods unusuallyi got a lot of pain cos of which i could not walk even little bit...after my dh cam bak from office i needed sum heal for picking up things from table etc...he felt irritated and started acting lazy ...i kept quiet ...later since it was weekend we were watching a movie....i told him im feeling unwell and we bettersleep early...he told ok 1st then after some time...he requested me to stay away for another half hour...i agreed...then my health became too much to handle...i was telling him its time well go to sleep....v both wanted to have intimacy but he wanted me to stay in the hall for it....whereas i wanted to go t the room ...biut i still agreed for him ....when i was responsing to what he "wanted" he started cocentrating o nthe movie rather on the intimacy actions...i got cofused y he is diverting his mind suddenly...it was too late ...i started gettign mood swings n got irritated i tld him im going to sleep . the later part of intimacy well spend time in room i tol......then he also came with me....i thought he wld do it but as soon as he came to the room he wanted to sleep....i felt very hurt y he is behaving this way...i asekd him but he didnt reply...my periods n mood swings took toll on me....i was tryin tel him to consider my feelings at tht momoent but he withdrew...i cried so much...does a husband behave so indifferent n cold when his wife undergoes her monthly periods....im scared as top how he will look after my moods when im pregnanat....
    yesterday he came n told me suddenly abt startign a family...i knew it wld happen as soon as his mom comes here....he was inscure to have a child when his mom is not here...i am scared they will not let me or the child in future to get close to my parents...my dad has a heart problem myt mom has diabetes ,high bp and cataract....i want to keep them happy ...im so in a turmoil...shouldi leave this relationship ?
     
  5. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dear IcySpicy, you need to relax and go back to the responses you got on (atleast) this thread and see where n what you need to change. Take one step at a time. You ask Ilites abt one issue, receive great ideas/ advices, you jump to the next issue, get ideas, jump to your next issue.. this is becoming a vicious cycle.. I know you read / hear our ideas and even maybe think of it BUT do you IMPLEMENT it at all?? you mentioned, you havent tried any of these techniques...... why????? do you want to resolve your issues or do you want to just cry over it and not work towards any of the ideas????

    Girl, I think if you start taking one step forward, you could see some difference in your life and will soon get to see light at the end of the tunnel.. You chose to agree to whatever your MIL says or asks you to do when you really dont want to.. next time when she asks you 'what do you say beta? ok na?' could you just say 'no ma ji, I feel it is alright to make rotis on the marble countertop because I clean up that space very well before using it, also it is the right height for me, else I get back pain..'. Keep on giving the same reasons until she stops nagging you abt it. MILs may give free advices but you need to voice out when you dont want to hear it .

    For Ex. my MIL can go on giving gyans on how to keep the kitchen.. she too is a cleanliness freak.. she can keep wiping the counter top, arranging the container/ vessels over and over again before cooking, during cooking and after cooking.. but I clean it up only after cooking. so when she tries to do it when I am cooking, I politely say 'dont worry abt it amma, I will do it when I finish cooking.' She stops right there.

    If at all your MIL says 'no beta, you should not say that, you have to do it then and there.' just smile and dont do it. dont stop her from doing it too. how difficult is that?

    Also if she wants to keep washing vessels every few mins (2 or 3 vessels at a time) during cooking.. let her do it her way.. if she asks YOU to do it, just put all the vessles in the sink / dishwasher and say politely 'I will wash after all cooking is over, so that we use lesser quantity of water.' Put a logic to the reasons you give her so you cannot be blamed.

    Regarding cutting veggies - cutting veggies today is going to take the same effort and time that it took the prev night.. right? so if cutting veggies fresh is such a huge need to your MIL and DH, how much are you going to loose in doing it?? Give some and take some..

    Another thing is that the pans and vessels how ever old they are, cannot have tartars / burnt stuff sticking to it if you intend to use it further. It is harmful to health and yes they need to be scrubbed off. If you cannot scrub it off at all, then dump that vessel and use a new or clean one. You cannot cook in a pan that has burnt stuff sticking to it. Period. This is not about your MIL, my MIL and all older ladies will advice not to cook in such vessels and we better clean it or use clean pans for our own good.

    Like someone said here, don't turn this sex thing into a gloomy serious thing.. it has to be enjoyable to both of you.. I am sure your DH will appreciate if you add some humour to your conversations.. dont make it seem artificial though but you have to smile more often and look happy..

    these MIL issues are quite easy to handle I feel.. I know you are feeling depressed but you know with a little timely and sensible talks/ techniques you are achieve what yoou want.. I feel you are only talking and not trying at all. It is high time you implement some of the ideas and see if it works your way.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  6. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    my mind is not an a good state now...how shld i approach my husband?he dosent seem to bother abt anything exept his work....im adjusting n implementing things but im feeling overwhelmed by my situation...its like "my husband has left me completely to his mom n he wants me to leave him on his own ...im being hammered by mil to do things at home....i want mil to leave me on my own too....i understand tht all of u r asking me to be practical...but how many time should i only initiate things...its equal to "pampering my husband " my mil is doing exactly the same to her husband n now today her husband is not fit to be a strong man at all...i fear my dh would turn out the same way as hers if i start acting like her ..thts my main concern...i want my husband to be strong heart ...not like a loser who keep wanting sympathy from all memeber of his family...he always says"u r at home u dont need sympathy"..isent tht taking me for granted...when im unwell dont i have the right to expect some care from him?is tht wrong?am i asking too much fro my dh?he says"marriage can be bronking i wont lose anything but if i lose my job i will be nowhere"...his 1st priority is always his job job job...one more thing...he sounds different when he talks ot me from office but totally different when he returns back home he is withdrawn...i dont feel secure with him...how will start a family thou i want it....im scared...being an only child i have to equally look after my parents n their health cos they dependent only on me...my inlaws dont have the courtesy to even talk to them or respect them...they basically dont need me...im tired of running behind my husband to sustain this marriage...i cant take it anymore...i feel helpless


    My only option now is ...i want to start working and during tht phase i can t be ready for a child...i want him to value my feelings 1st...mebbe u all think im crazy .... i dont knoe wot to say next
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear icy,
    I saw this in another post...
    Quote from another of your posts:
    I am married for 1.5 years too and faced the same type of problem withing 6 months of marriage...me and dh got separated for 2 months cos of the same household chores,less time spent and inlaws supporting sons issues....when me n paretns had gone to india my inlaws were there and my dh had work here ...tht time my inlws came to our home and ridiculed me infront of my whole family same thingthey also asked wirte and give ,they even told tht i needed a psychiatrist....tht time i was naive i wanted to do as they said cos i jst wanted my husband back

    Maybe because of this you have all resentment built up in your mind.You need to sit down with your husband and have a talk about your expectations. Do not give a lecture but ask for just 2 simple things...maybe talk to me nicely when you get back or help me lay the table or clean it after dinner...

    I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed.Everyone is not strong ..but you can do it.
    Take baby steps.All my good wishes to you.If you start small and aim low you will get your confidence back ....

    FL.
     
  8. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    I sincerely hope it is this situation thats making you talk it over and over again and not do anything to fix things.

    You first need to set your priorities right..

    - DH and his attitude towards you
    - MIL and her ordering you and you obliging all the time
    - Taking care of your parents
    - starting to work full time.
    - starting a family?!?!

    You have to prioritise from the above TO DOs. Starting a family should be the last thing I would say.. Let me tell you why - your decision on starting a family should depend on your relationship with your DH and the confidence that you can handle your MIL better.. it should not depend on whether or not you need to take care of your parents. ofcourse you have to care for your parents.. Taking care of parents is a life long commitment so you cannot stop it when you have babies.. would you not have babies just so you can take care of your parents? or do you plan to wait for them to leave the world and then think about babies? whats your logic here?

    The first two issues are your top priority and DH's first priority is job job job. So be it.. let him work work work while you first mend your relationship with your MIL, because you can be done with it in a few days.. handle one issue at a time please. MIL issue can be tackled entirely by yourself.. because you both are in vicinity all day and she is not the cold types, she is as responsive as you are.. just befriend her first. I know it is easier said than done but you have not taken any effort so far - stop seeing her as an enemy.. think of her as your friend's mom or your aunt if not mom.. apart from working in the chores do you both talk anything else in the world?? if not, do that.. talk about some world news, some movies, etc.. see how the conversation goes.. see what she likes apart from the chores, encourage her to find her hobbies, likings.. whatever said and done, she is not abusing you in any way, not humiliating/ insulting you in any way, atleast not from the way she is talkign to you.. (let us know if there is more story to it) she is just a normal behaving MIL. so being your DH's mom and for the fact that your DH wants her to live with you guys, accept the fact and ease it up a little with her.. be cool to her and in a short while you will see her cool it off with you.

    if you are going to buy grocery, take her with you.. dont fuss for every little thing.. if she bosses you over what to buy what not, let her do it a few times, then seeing you respect her decisions, she will let go in a while.. believe me the more you resist, the more things dont work your way. In a few days she will come around. dont see everything as an issue. Later we will come to your DH's issue.. because nothing is going to work with DH unless your MIL on your side. it is not worth trying.

    If you will feel better, My MIL too used to say 'we will cook xyz today..' when I would have liked to eat abc that day.. I used to let go and then feel bad that I cant even eat what I like.. then I decided let her do what ever xyz she wants, I will additionaly cook abc so I can satisfy my food cravings.. she didnt mind at all. If I had not tried that technique, I would still be cribing abt not being able to eat what I want and felt miserable for myself.. similarly, when we go grocery shopping with her (by chance) she would say dont buy that, thats gasious.. I would politely say 'once in a while we can have it' and buy it.. if they are being polite, they have every right to say their views and you have every right to buy their views or deny it politely.

    I would not like to re-iterate over and over again if you are not taking any step forward.. So once you have started (trying to) implement some techniques ILites told you so far, do let us know and we could help you in more ways. Else we can hold on to our ideas on as long as you want us to. All the best.
     
  9. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    thkns a lot for ur reply...im doing wot u have said...try to stay cool with mom in law...sumtimes i let her do things her own way....n i adjust...during the time im handling this situation how should i behave with my husband ...since i dont find to talk to him cos hes busy after he comes...im upset with him...do i leave it as it is or initiate to make things normal between me and him ?if yes ...how..im hesistating to?

    My mind is in such a state even if i want to talk normally to my husband i am unable to make myself do tht ...his indifference make me move my step back ....im unable to have a normal conversation with him at all...i just feel like avoiding his face...replying to him...jst feel being so far away tht i dont want to see him at all...i dont know if ever thigns will be better btws us cos of this

    i have interviews next week for jobs...shld i take up the job if i get through any interview?or shld i wait?
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    icy,

    Get the book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. It will uplift your spirits and make you face things with a positive attitude.

    Good luck.
     

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