MIL wants me to become exactly like her!

Icey,

Why do you let things build up inside until you are at the point of going stir crazy in that house??

Tell your mil that you admire her cleanliness and all that she is able to do, but that it doesn't come natural to you and you can't handle the constant cleaning the way she can. Tell her "I am feeling overwhelmed with the household work, can we scale the cleaning back a little from now on? "

Since she asks you your opinion on things or "what do you think", how about you TELL what you are ACTUALLY thinking!! Of course you should say it in a nice tone and in a friendly way (just as you would talking to any random person in the world), but make sure to convey how you are feeling and that you want things to change.

You could also tell your dh "Your mom and I both feel we need hired help in the kitchen once a month for some of the scrubbing and tough cleaning jobs." If he says no, then you can go back and tell your mil "Dh said no" and let her handle it since it's apparent your dh doesn't listen to you for anything.

Besides your mil, how are things with your dh going?

 

Icy,

Why are you thinking of getting your parents involved? They can't do anything to solve this problem, only you can. Do you think your husband and his mom are suddenly going to change because your parents say something? Icy, if you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to think on your own and solve this yourself.

Stop thinking your dh has already been "trained" and can't ever change. First, he's not a 'dog' to be trained by your mil or anyone else. And second, I think if you become a little more calm and mature, he will naturally want to change for you. I think I've said that in another post to you before....

I've also said in a previous post... buy the frozen ready made breads. If your mil says 'no', then you can tell her "Ok, but you will have to make the bread entirely yourself, because it is too much work for me. My hands and back hurt. I must not be as fit as you. But either way, I do NOT want to make the bread from scratch anymore when there are easier options. Please try and understand." Then either buy the frozen, or back off from the kitchen and let her do it all herself.

Unfortunately Icy, we have to work in this world to earn money and survive. Your husband sounds like a hard worker, but maybe that's because he has to be to support YOU and his mom. Can you appreciate that a little? It must be hard for him to work so much, so think of it from that perspective. You complain a lot about intimacy issues... but when he cuddles you, you tell him you are 'not well'? If you crave his attention, why do you push him away when he comes close to you? If you want sex Icy, take matters into your own hands (literally). Next time he cuddles you and it's clear he's happy and has some time to spare, cuddle him back, and do some stuff to get him in the mood. Don't want to be too graphic, but come on, I had to mention it.... this is common sense stuff. So try it, I'm sure it'll work.

You work yourself up into a panic over stuff that can be solved with some common sense and communication. I don't get it!

 

ICY,

If you don't mind can you tell me what do you really scrub in the kithen?Because these days we use non-stick cookware .So there is no way curry will stick to the pan.How much dishes do you get to scrub everyday?Coming to kitchen,there are lof the things are available in market and you can clean kitchen in no time.What do you have to scrub in kitchen anyway?Can you explain me more clearly.

 

Dear icy,
Only you can resolve your problem no one else can...You have a little inferiority complex and people are taking advantage of it.

You talk to your husband...write down points to discuss and make it clear you need his support.

About MIL..ignore her.

FL.

 

Icy, there doesn't seem to be any back and forth chemistry between you guys... and that is partly your fault. When he says something like that, give him a hug and look at him with a smile and joking sad voice and ask "Ok, I'm sorry. Should I not do that anymore?". Probably he will smile too and the mood will be lightened. But if he says "Yeah, don't do that anymore" then laugh and tell him "Ok, but I can't promise for sure because you are so handsome and sweet and I just can't keep from loving you sometimes. You are an irresistable hubby and I love you." I don't think your husband could be mad at you if you say something like that. The whole idea is, don't turn this sex thing into a gloomy serious issues. Laugh, smile, flirt with him. Have fun, and he will too.

Just out of curiousity.... do you ever try any of these techniques all of us suggest, or do you just continue with 'life as normal' and keep feeling miserable at home? Because in the past you got so many good suggestions, it's surprising that nothing has worked till now...

 

Well, you know I hate the joint family system and that I think your predicament of living with your mil is an unnecessary evil (i.e. why do parents have to live with adult chilren anyways?). But seeing that you are stuck living with her and have no other way out... I would say try joining them in the hall until you are tired and then retiring to your room. In an ideal world, it would just be you and your dh living together. Unfortunately you need to come to grips that you haven't landed the ideal life, and make the best out of the situation.

However, if you don't try some of these techniques, how will your situation improve? If all you do is complain and **wish** things would change.... they won't! You've got to do something to get something. I know it's hard to make your feelings known and rub people the wrong way, but if this setup of living with mil is permanent, you need to set the tone now for how things are to be run in YOUR kitchen and YOUR house.

As for husband spending time with you, once you get close to him and some actual LOVE develops, you will see... everything will be fine. But really, you need to stop complaining and start DOing. Else you will be back here every month with a new issue.

 

Hi icy,

Take a few deep breadths. You are overwhelmed due to the indifference on the part of your spouse, your new job and an mil that is interactively trying to show you too many new things at the same time.

About rolling chapaatis on the countertop. Can you scrub/clean it in front of her before making so she can see that you just cleaned it?
Also, why is it difficult to use a chapati board? I have a wooden one that got warped due to washing in the dishwasher and that made it difficult. Can you buy a better rolling board? In theory it does sound more hygienic.

About cutting veggies daily: Is she open to precut frozen vegetables?

Scrubbing utensils, counter tops: What are her suggestions? I am curious--could use a few tips myself.

Anytime she wants you to do something your husband does not approve of, tell her that she should speak with your hubby first.

There are some good things also that the older generation can teach us if we take it in the right spirit and they present it in the right spirit.

If you think your mil is demanding, wait till you have kids.