MIL wants me to become exactly like her!

icyspicy · Mar 21, 2010

Hi guys!im writing after sumtime i guess.Finally my MIL has arrived.As soon as she came home she started interefering in kitchen business.I normally make rotis on the marble cos its convinient for me to make 2-3 rotis at once and then make it on the pan.She dosent want me to do tht instead she wants me to use a roti board i find it difficult cos of the height.Im simply not comfortable.
Next she saw tht i haver cut the veggies and kept in the fridge she didnt like tht too and told me to cut veggies everyday...wot the hell!
she wants me to scrub the dirty parts in the kitchen and the utensils cos she cant handle the tartar.She said she will teach me how to scrub dishes so tht they dont get tartar ...shes worried they will fall into the curry.C'mon after a year of using the utensils they do get sum residue on them.
I have almost started doing things the way she does but still she wants more.How much should i please her .
My husband as usual doesnt support me and he is living life on his terms in finanace ,intimacy.Wierd thing is... my MIL wants me to become pregnant.wot shld i tell her?
She wants me to pamber my husband thet way she does to hers.I dont wanna dod tht cos i fear tht dh will one day become like his own dad who dosent do anthing no work hes like a baby little going out in the air he gets cough.hes become a weak man.
I got a job offer which is self driven.It has a lots of pressure involved.and is 5.5 days a week.How should i manage my household chores and work if i take it up.Is this the right time to take up a job.
For 6 months i have been doing my ways now suddenly when she wants me to do things her way how shld i get my way of things done?
Cos of my husbands attitude i started diverting my mind in kitchen only now to keep myself busy .I feel sad at times tht i am all alone .I dont know who to turn to.I need ur help guys once again.

Tugga · Mar 21, 2010

Dear Icyspicy,

Relax. Not only you, but almost every DILs face such issues in their initial days of marriage life. You know what, many MILs do not want to leave their kitchen to their DILs just because of their insecurity issues. Hence they start finding faults like your case to prove the world that you are no way close to their perfect life style.

It is very simple.. tell your MIL that you are convenient with the current arrangements, and hence you are not interested in changing your cooking style. Tell her this firmly, but in a very soft tone.

But before saying this, you need to correct few of your cooking styles too.

I wouldn't prefer to prepare chapaties/rotties in the marble (table) due to hygienic issues. It is always better to make them using a big chopping board/rotti board, so that you can clean them frequently (always).

If you are not a working woman, it is also advisable to cut your veggies daily instead of keeping them in the fridge. It is NOT healthy too.

As for the dark tartars, it is advisable to clean them immediately using good dishwashers. It will make your kitchen clean and neat all the time, and that will help the visitors to feel good during their stay.
Try to scrub them or use new vesels at least during your MILs stay, as she may continue to comment about the dirty parts all the time.

It is not bad requesting your DH in your house hold chores. It is his house too.

My DH is very helping at the kitchen, but MIL has negative remarks about his manliness in this regard. But their era has been over now. Its our time, and there is nothing wrong in expecting your husband to help with it.

Malavika81 · Mar 21, 2010

Just grant her wish and start acting as annoying and irritating to her and boss her around as she is to you. That way you will become exactly like her.

icyspicy · Mar 21, 2010

i am expecting my dh to help i nthe kitche but he is unwilling so he makes excuses when i ask him especially when his mom is around cos mom will stop him to listen to me.What am i supposed to do other than keep quiet and work only with his mom.

vinnyvishy · Mar 21, 2010

hello icyspicy
almost 90% mils r like that - what to do?
Dont ever think this is newly married issue. this always continues.
they feel insecured that we may change
-the entire members to our side(how on earth is it possible?
- earn good name (a big crown)
-everyone will have the dil on their heads.
- their name wd be spoilt.
I dunno what feelings these are but most of the mils r like this only.
they never feel that we r the ones new to this house & they've also undergone this situation once. I'm nearing 7 yrs of married life & still now my mil is the same. I just ignore & get going or otherwise we'll become mad. Plan up for the kid with ur hubby(in private) U just tell mil(when she starts the topic of being preg.) "ur son is not interested in going for kid right now" finish off then & there. No mom wd spk abt this to son.
Be cheerful & pls dont worry
-vinnyvishy

icyspicy · Mar 21, 2010

i too try ignoring..but she wants the answer from my mouth..."What do u say beta...tell? ok na? ok na?!...aaarrggghhhh!so i have to commit to a yes...unwillingly..then she starts doing what she says and call me ...come here na do this so th for me...in a very loving tone itself she make me slog and make me do things they way she likes...she doesnet want me to increase the flame while cooking ...she wants me to clean and wipe and scrub the kitchen stove ,untensils as frequently as she does...isent it tooooooo much ?

shrutidunwoody · Mar 21, 2010

Hi friend

Just act diplomatically to your mil in the same manner. Just as she says beta beta and makes you work , you also act in that way. for eg. tell your mil that you and dh like some specific dish of hers and make her do that dish for you both. help her in small ways like cutting vegetables etc so that the major thing she has to do. Just dont expect your husband to do anything in front of mil.

My dh is very helpful to me in kitchen. But as soon as his mom arrives ,he behaves as if he has never been to the kitchen. This me and my dh had decided before they arrive because i personally feel however modern that mil maybe but in these aspects they behave very mean towards dil and though they might not express it but they feel it when they see their son in the kitchen.

So i and my mil used to be in the kitchen and majority of the work she used to do, i used to help her and when she was really bored cooking , i used to tell her that i will make something.

For eg if she tell you to scrub ask her wow mil you do it better than me. I dont have that much ability as yours and make her do it. At some point she will stop pinpointing to you as she will know that ultimately she only has to do it.

You also be loving to her and as and soon as you know that she is making you work with love , you also act in the same way. All the best.

icyspicy · Mar 22, 2010

abt the scrubbing part ...she did tell me u scrub the stove every day to keep it clean ...i know u will do it slowly as time passes ....she is determined in this...she also mentioned tht we as wifes v r both the maids and owners of this houser infact she also feels tht i should call the cleaner once a month to keep the kitchen clean...but she dosent want me to tell her son...infact i had mentioned the same idea to my dh 1 month back but he was not ready for it ...i want to keep a cleaner for the kitchen so tht he does all the scrubbing part...its too hard for me to do...mil dosent want me to tell her son tht she told...how should i get this done?she so obsessed with scrubbing tht even a lille mark will not let her sleep.she even told me ..."seeing me u will also become like me one day"...i hated tht comment i never want to become like her...i want my way of managing the kitchen atleast i dont want to scrub...marriage is not cleaning cooking and only looking after husband ...i expect the same suppprt from my dh ...y dosent he understand?
Seeing all this i am prepared to go for any kind of work as long as i get out of this house.

ShilpaMa · Mar 22, 2010

Icy go out of the house for work and get some breather.
No matter how much you try coming up to their expectations there shall always be a gap & history.

It shall also boost your self esteem & less availability for DH.
Tell her with a smile to explain the desire of child to her son so that he can do the needful..

icyspicy · Mar 22, 2010

She is doing toooo much!...i cant handle it!.....god she has a very tediaous way of working and getting things done...i have shortcuts on sum things which i found in indusladies but she unwilling to accepttht and want me to adopt only her style of methods....i have to pay extra for the drinking water so i needed sum more money...i asked myt husband he dosent want to give me...before his mom used to pay now its my responsibility and even then he unwilling to cooperate....im falling in frustration...he wants me to spend from the rest of the amount tht i take as pocket money.....i have neither my husband who understasnd me nor my mil...they both are living in different terms and want me to adopt both their style of ways...am i some kind of robot????