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Mil Visiting Usa With Her Brother And His Wife

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by gknew, Feb 6, 2020.

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  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh really. it is a life skill, everyone should learn it.
     
    yellowmango and gknew like this.
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Just skipping swimming camp for one summer won't deprive the kid anything. Seriously welcome the guest with good heart. Let him spend time with family members. I'm sure he will be happy. He has life time to learn swimming. You seem to be nitpicking on your in-laws even before they purchased the ticket. None of your concerns are serious. It is part of life.
     
    nakshatra1 and beingmom like this.
  3. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    This is all part of the marriage in Indian families, not just the fun and goodness - but some difficult situations/relationships etc. So accept it for what it is, and yes it costs money, but kids cost ton of money too. This is part of family and spending.
     
  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    If you have financial issues there is nothing wrong in conveying that you cannot sponsor visas and trips for extended family members( MILs bro and his wife)
    You can tell straight away to MIL that you can’t sponsor her bro and his wife. It’s not even your duty to pay for extended families.
    Visas, Air Tickets, Trips, Gifts etc is their headache not your DH responsibility.

    Who knows in future they may come every year with your MIL as they are retired and expect you guys to pay for every trip!

    Ofcourse taking care of your MILs expense alone is not wrong.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If it was just your MIL visiting, I would have said you are being ungenerous to think like this. She has worked hard all her life, lost husband 10 years ago when she was around 50 yrs old I guess, finally retired and it is great if she can start off retired life with a visit to the U.S. But, if three of them are visiting at the same time for 2-3 months, I can understand your trepidation. Been wanting to use 'trepidation' in a sentence for a long time. "A feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen" is exactly what many a woman have felt when contemplating such visitors from India.

    Follow one rule through the next 3-8 months: do not let anyone or anything impact your relationship with your husband. And, if/when the trip gets finalized, accept it with grace. Don't spoil the joy and experience for your husband. It is a privilege to host a parent in the U.S. and be happy that he is happy.

    Expenses:
    - Even if your husband's uncle pays for his and his wife's tickets, it is still a huge expense. Travel insurance is a must. Do not compromise. Do not leave it to them to choose any trav. ins. provider from India. Look at the fine print and exclusions. Make it effective from the day they land.

    - Think long term. Would you like to invite your parents over some time and pay for the tickets? Is your husband the only son and likely to be the one to look after mother as well as inherit any house etc? Will your MIL's brother be there for your MIL while you guys are in the U.S.? Would your pleasantly hosting them have long term impact?

    - Traveling within the U.S.: This can get expensive and the visitors don't realize it as they are not aware of hotel, gas, entrance tickets, restaurant etc costs. I would send husband with the three of them and stay home myself to save on the costs. 4 could possibly stay in one room. Your son and you can visit those places another time.

    Your routine when they are here:
    - Cooking, cleaning, sleeping, waking: Choose what you can compromise on. Can you cook three times? Cannot cook? Tactfully make these clear to husband briefly, not a long vent session.

    - Driving them around: Will you be expected to take them out during the weekdays when husband is at work? Set the tone for weekdays routine from the beginning. They have been working people. You could drop them at a mall and pick them up 2-3 hours later. Gives you a break. For example.

    - Swim classes: It will get boring for your son if he spends all day at home in the summer. And that much more time for them to comment on him and how kids are brought up in the U.S. Enroll him in the swim classes. Check their make-up and cancelation policies. Make sure your son likes swimming. Don't have a scene where you are forcing him to go swimming when they are here. If they make comments, say that in U.S., swimming is a skill taught in schools also and better if they learn it outside of school first. Skip the part that swimming in school happens mostly in high school.

    About the insults or criticizing the way of living in the U.S.: Don't take it personally. Don't make yourself the salesperson for the U.S. way of living. Take their comments as comments on a country and life here. They are older people. Allow them to ask silly questions like why live here without feeling the need to answer that question in depth. Don't engage in India vs. U.S. discussions beyond a certain point.

    For dealing with unwanted comments in general, I like the beautiful thought @Mistt had once posted.

    Also, if you are staying in an apartment, some apartment communities allow a maximum of two persons per bedroom. Maybe check these policies and how long guests can stay.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2020
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    For me, spending on kids and parents are totally fine. Spending on aunt, uncle who are applying for passport before even discussing the trip, expenses with nephew is what causes avoidable confusion and heart-ache down the line.

    I am not a stingy person, but when it comes to people other than parents, MIL, FIL, I get quite picky about where my money and time go.
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Did they get the visa already? You may be worrying for nothing.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    What does she want your son to do instead? Perform pooja all day? Don’t ask her opinion where it is not necessary. Just inform her matter-of-factly that your son will be taking XYZ activities in summer like all his friends are doing.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The in-laws are not buying the tickets, OP’s husband is expected to pay for everything . It can be a daunting for some people to spend thousands of dollars for an unplanned expense.
     
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