MIL suggesting non veg diet for DS

Exactly my thoughts, word by word, Bhuvnidhi & Shilpa!!!

 

Shilpama and Bhuvindhi,

1. I never said impose anything. I said explain nicely about your beliefs. Read the post completely . She has a mindset so does the DIL. MIL can compromise on this and DIL on another issue.

2. Same applies to her DH and MIL. If they got son married out of culture they need to be open. They need to understand how important it is for OP.

3. Parents need to decide on which issue who will compromise.

Mine is inter caste , inter-language marriage. Their religious practices are also very different. We know which is priority to who and compromise accordingly. I used to drink coffeee have rice 3 times a day and hardly eat onions and never eat garlic. Now as my DH is particular about morning tea. I make Tea and chapatis , and eat good amount of onions but my DH can't eat garlic as i am really averse to them but for in some curries. I never went to shiva temples before marriage and my ILs never went to vishnu temples, now i pray to Shiva too and my ILs agreed upon request to keep venkateswara idol in puja place. Ils lived with us only for a year but I appreciated and learnt many things from them and they changed many of their food habits. even after we moved to USA they continue same food habits. Yes my MIl knows how much I appreciate her compromises and knows those compromises made me very open to her ways and same goes the other way. She compromised on some and made my life easy. I am grateful to her for that ,so I try my best to see she gets what she needs, whether it is making sure my DH calls them regularly or getting her the saree she likes or the bangles she wanted for long or helping her meet her sister whom she didn't see for many years due to some events. How is that paying or demeaning.

I said , i will teach my kids what i think is right without expectations. That is my duty as mother. What they become as adults is their choice. i will not be upset if their choice is different from mine. YES, ONCE THEY BECOME ADULTS AND INDEPENDENT IN EVERY WAY, THEY WILL NOT BE MY KIDS BUT MY BEST FREINDS.

well sorry ! you are right meat-eaters doesn't sound that nice. i didn't mean to offend. usually in USA no one understands non-vegetarian word. so got used to the other word. Same with the word love-marriage , when i used it with an american he went you mean the arranged ones are love-less marriages? so i usually use choice-marriage.

I am not a very religious person, was agnostic for 20 yrs of my life didn't even celebrate any festivals. even during those days never even considered eating non-veg. I believe in animal rights and don't even use leather. For me it is a very important value. It is matter of non-violence toward animals rather than a religious issue. My daughter(right now she is only 8) too is a great animal lover and is particular about not eating non-veg. My son as of now is not much bothered by these. In my neighborhood most Indians are veg. so he is cool. I don't know what they will choose as adults and don't even worry about it.

Bhuvindi,

I never said

I said explain nicely your values and wishes for your kid. If MIL helps with kid DIL can help her with something else and I said shower her with gifts and gratitude. Why the sentence is cutoff and made to mean as you like.
When did gifts become payments? If MIL compromises on this issue that is not the end of life DIL would compromise on something else.
Bhuvindhi, I bring up my kids that doesn't mean they mortgage their life to me. Whose responsibility is more toward the kids-parents or grandparents? If i help my son to bring up his kids , I don't expect to take over the role of parents and dedcide things for them. Yes would expect to be consulted on certain issues. But certain issues are best left to parents.

We are vegetarian family my brother moved to USA and married and brings up kids like here not just the ususal non-veg they feed beef(we are hindu) to his kid. My mom came to help them when born. she expressed her displeasure but then left it at that. yes she didn't feed it to kid but never made a scene over it. Their kid their decision. All said and done her role is limited in the life of the grand-kid.

 

Dear Induvadana, Looks like our thoughts are totally different.

To me, my MIL or mom is not a third person or an outsider.Infact , in my opinion it is good to involve elders in major decisions.I know that there are a lot of MILs who make the life of the DIL miserable and do not take care of their grandkids too.I am not talking about them now as it is better to stay away from such people.

But the OPs MIL is taking care of her kid very well.She is not a nanny or a maid to just take care of the kid and handover the kid to the mom.She is afterall her hubby's mom.

When you accept and fell in love with your hubby to marry him (who was born and brought up by your MIL) why don't you accept when she does something for your kid?She brought up your hubby the same way isn't it?

My parents take care of my kid very well.Even now(my daughter is 4 years) if my father knows that my daughter is not feeling well, he will not eat the whole day(we generally try not to say if she is not feeling well) .Do you think I can just gift him or show gratitude and not involve in in any decisions?Or should I think that I never asked him to show so much affection towards my kid?How is it even possible?In fact , even now my parents say stay away from them and my daughter.And they say they know what is best for their granddaughter.Sometimes I get angry (probably jealous??)but I know what they say is right.My daughter just came through me.Thatz it.There are several factors which will influence her childhood.

Our parents or parent-in-laws may not be updated with the latest trend and stuffs but their experience and the values they teach are priceless.There are a lot of us who speak "privacy","space","my family" ,"my children" etc..It is very convienient to be alone ,non-adjusting and to be as "my family".But will that bring happiness?We might have changed as a society due to some external influence but there are some good things which is better to be preserved.I feel the solution to this problem is one among them.JMO.

 

:bowdownto that. That is exactly how I feel and I know many won't subscribe to that school of thought. How much one agrees to the above statement is inversely proportional to the friction between 'reasonable' MIL-DIL. Any input from MIL will sound like an interest rather than an interference then.

 

Bhuvindhi,

You are right our thoughts are different on this issue.

I agree that mom or MIL are family not outsiders and should be involved in major decisions. But I wouldn't like them to take the decision. My DH and kids are also family and consult them on major issues but we take decisions together, I just don't let kid or my DH take it all by themselves or i just take it all by myself and say you loved and married me all i do must be right. DIL is part of family not unwanted guest.If she has certain strong preferences, they must be respected. Eating meat is neither a religious belief nor a sentiment. Just a preference unlike vegetarianism , which can be a religious belief or sentiment.

Exactly, not grandkid's mom.

When your son accept and fell in love with your DIL to marry (who was born and brought up as vegetarian) why don't you accept when she does something for your grand- kid?DIL was brought up the same way isn't it?
Why insist that she has to adjust on every issue?

Grand parents definitely mean the best for the kid. But become parents and make me irrelavant or some surrogate parent? sorry that won't be acceptable to me. Kid's need parents and grand-parents. Let grand parents be garnd parent and parents be parents.
Were all decisions for you made by your grandparents?

Relationships with grand parents and parents are important but so are relationships between spouses and parents-kids. For these to develop some amount of privacy and space are required. Joint families failed to accommodate these. That is why people are moving away from them. Treating MIL or MOM as outsiders is one extreme. Letting ILs orMOMs take all decisions for kids is another extreme. I am advocating a moderate position.

My Ils have a habit of eating too much sweet and oil. I used to explain to MIl that they are not good for health and not to feed kids much. My MIL didn't like my saying so and resisted for some time.But later she was fine. Now i am in USA and she follows less oil and sugar suggestion. Not only that she advises all relatives. She used to advise me on doing puja while I refused to do so in the beginning. But at some point I felt need and now I follow her advise and even seek it. One doesn't have to give in at the earliest without really being convinced.

 

That's somewhat naive, I think. I don't think a mom extends the same kind of love to grand kids esp when the grand kids are the children of the dil. More so when the dil is more well to do than her daughters and other sons.

 

Yes.Not all decisions.But when I was young my Paternal Grandma had a say in everything.My maternal grandma was no more when I was born.

Come on , Sarma!That is gross generalisation.BTW , I have already said I am not talking about atrocious MILs here.

Whatever I said is my opinion and I stick to it.It is upto the OP to choose what is best for her.

 

I second Bhuvnidhi.

Just curious, Sarma.. pls don't feel bad..
Is your mom that kind you generalized there..?

 

The question is way out of line and deeply personal.

That being said, i have observed this in many places.

In more than one case I know, the son died and the grand parents had been unfair to the dil and her kids in family property. Many such families had to live on the kindness of the parents-in-law.

Let me ask you a deeply personal (and potentially out of line) question, Ms True (just to make a profound point!):

Do you love your kid(s) only as much as your mil?

 

Sarma,
I asked the question to point that it is way deep out of line in generalising a MIL's love for grandson.

Coming to your 'deeply personal, potentially out of line' question:
YES. I love my kid only as much as my dear MIL.
We BOTH act in the best interest of that kid. My MIL may not have the same deep love towards me as she has towards her DD. But I know she loves her grandson wholeheartedly. I would never ever stand between my son and HIS grandma regardless of my possible personal encounters or misunderstandings with my MIL. And I believe my MIL being my son's GRANDmother, has as much right & goodwill as I have on him.