MIL starting to show her real colours

[JUSTIFY]Dear Icy ,

If you feel your MIL is problematic , know the difference between what to tell and what not to tell. Its up to you. If you feel she requires lot of attention and you are keen on developing or improving relations with her...do appreciate her sometimes if you find something worth appreciating in her. I am sure every person has some quality which can be appreciated. If you don't want to improve relations with her stay calm.... inform her on less priority matters and don't inform her on important matters which are just between you and your Dh like that of buying an ornament. By informing her on less priority matters her ego will be satisfied (if she is really of types like creating some problem) and you will be on safer side and one thing please ask these questions yourself first !!! [/JUSTIFY]

 

Icy you'll be glad to see her attitude towards her if you start living by her way if those ways are not harming you professionaly/ mentally & physically.

All humans love their ego be massaged, being pampered & given attention.. for 1 month try it out.. pls give away the baby ego that you're listening to your MIL or a manager.... dont apply much of your brain but carry out her instructions atleast in the kitchen.

Regarding necklace you said your DH wants to buy it for you... then why do you need to confirm with your MIL? If he has to buy and he wants to buy then he'll take a call.
I somehow get a feel that another pestering phase is about to start for purchase of this necklace.

Of all the worries and disputes you mentioned I felt that your world is crashing and you're in dire need of money in terms of pocket money.. real lucky you that you got a chance to eye a necklaces as well :biglaugh!!!! I get an idea now how your pcoket money gets over much ahead.

 

Icy, what do you think? I know the answer, but I'd really like to see you use your own reasoning abilities to work this one out. If you use common sense, the answer is clear.

 

Icy,
I think, you are only making the matter worse by assuming things and not communicating openly. I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your MIL and try to understand her reasoning behind all her instructions. There can be something logical in her suggestions. Roti-making way is not such a big issue I feel...Would you be so hurt if same thing had been conveyed by your mom to you?

About your hubby ignoring you (and the necessities of home), why dont you ask him openly? If he is giving her money and not to you, it is not her fault, right?

Sorry, I dont want to hurt you or prove you wrong. but just want you to realize that there can be much more than what we assume and we really need to open our eyes to search for it....

Take care,
S.

 

Dear Icy,

What is your problem? The advises or the person who gives the advise?
Because I really don't see anything wrong in your MIL's advises. Moreover, your MIL looks reasonable compared to other bullying MILs of other ILites.

Some people are really perfectionists, but others are not. At the same time some are really disorganized.
All what I understood from your posts is that you are a disorganized girl, who doesn't want to learn from others, doesn't need any advises from anyone, but all what you do is complaining... complaining... complaining...

Like your MIL, we too have tried our best to give you suggestions and advises to solve your problems, but it seems you do not want to listen to us, do not want to try any changes in your lifestyle, but all what you do is starting a new thread/post to type a new complaint against your mom. I really don't know where are you heading to:bonk

Please...Please...Please... Read the wonderful responses given by our friends here. There is nothing much we can do to help you out.

- This is your home, your husband and your family
You need to prepare healthy food in a very clean and proper way. If you are not doing it, then people will come and comment/advise you for your betterment.
You can't say this is my home, hence I will cook unhealthy items in a dirty way. NO. Because the people who eat in your house have commonsense to judge you and help you - You need help and advice, that's why your MIL is advising.
Either you need to change or adjust with their advises. You have no choice.

So, Please do not bring this Rotti - Marble, Onions, Tar-tar dishes, Kitchen cleaning matters once again.

- You need to use your commonsense and behave accordingly. It is not wise to start a new thread everytime for simple issues...Like shall i ask MIL before buying neckless, shall I call MIL before cutting onions etc..etc...

If your MIL requires lots of attention/information, then there is no harm in giving the attention to her. I mean you should know what to tell and what not.
There is no problem in telling I am going to buy a flower pot today, or I have bought a bindi from XYZ shop etc..etc... These are just matters of communication. Since you guys live under one roof, what else you can talk????

But if you think your MIL is demanding/dominant type, then try not to tell about your jewellary shoping matters. But in this particular case, it is not you, but your DH is going to buy jewelary for you. So, you just keep quite and let him handle it. What is bothering you here?

If she continous to give you unwanted suggestions, and those are really unreasonable, then diplomatically avoid her.

First you need to grow up... The you need to make them feel that you are perfect (though they do not appreciate, at least they will feel it). If they still want to advise you, then tell them that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

But, you can not say this now, as you really don't know what you are doing now, hence you badly need someone to advice you constantly.

I am sorry for this bunt post

 

Icy

Though my question is not related to your post....please answer this for me..

Is this the first time (i.e after marriage) you are staying away from your parents??? all by yourself? i.e independantly without your parents around???

Reason I ask this is...you are typical case of single child syndrome who get over attention, pampered and spoiled and the kid doesnt know how to handle tough situations or people, as the parents have been masking them from all the opportunities to learn.

You have to first of all grow up. Make yourself an Individual. You would have your own needs and wants. Your own good and bad. Your own tastes and distastes. Your own interests and hobbies. Remember that.

If your husband buys something for you, its your family matter. If your MIL or anyone else has to comment, they will comment. Best thing ignore and move on..If she calls her son and suggests something, let her do what she does...

Thats the reason I asked you..What is your action plan in your marriage? what do you want to do? what is your goal? what are your expectations? what do you want to give and receive?

If you dont have your eyes set on your marriage/ your goals, you would keep wandering around and looking at people liek your MIL and worrying who would say what and how you have to answer.

The time you are spending on handling your MIL, if you had spent the same time for your husband, you would have felt more happy .When was the last time you sat beside your husband and asked him how is he doing? or how is his work? or does he need anything? or does he want to eat anything? how does he feel? You sound more like a child who always needs attention, but no responsibilities. You have the best reasons for everything that you cant do...yep you come up with different reasons for everything that went wrong because of you, but you cant make up words or reasons to answer your MIL

Is it necessary to answer or think about every thing others say???are you not ignoring our suggestions here ??? then why cant you ignore your MILs words at home??? why is it mandatory to prepare yourself to respond to her back??? why even think of someones words which doesnt matter to you? even if she involves or fills her sons ears...the more you look at negatives the more you would get it back. I guess you have to really start growing up.

I dont know how you started treating your MIL as an enemy , but thats not helping you in anyways if you could read your posts and yourself. You are wasting energy on something that doesnt need any correction or any modification. Instead if you could invest that energy in improving yourself, you would feel much better

 

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!! AMEN!!

Icy, at this point, I'm really starting to feel bad for your mil and dh. And I don't say that to be mean, but I think you must not be realizing how annoying your behavior is. If we are annoyed sitting accross a computer screen in cyber space, just imagine what they must be feeling like to listen to you complain about EVERYTHING! Please, don't spoil your relationship with mil and dh further by all this complaining and whining. Suck it up and learn how to become a mature adult.

I'm assuming you got married young, I did too (19). I didn't know how to cook (my family ate out a lot) and I didn't clean (we had a maid). Basically, I didn't know how to do much, but Icy.... cooking and cleaning and household stuff isn't rocket science! When I didn't know how to do something, I let my dh show me (and yes, even my nasty mil managed to teach me some kitchen tricks inbetween the times she was harassing me). There's no shame in letting other people show you how to do things if you are not capable! There's no need to get your ego in a fluster just because your mil is telling you how to better roll chapati or cut onion!

You made the choice to get married, just like I did. You and I had the OPTION to continue living a care free life at our parents house or college or whatever, but we chose to get married. And part of that choice is GROWING UP and taking on more adult responsibilities. Lot of time you mentioned you are tired doing household chores.... girl, get a grip. Your dh is slogging a full time job, yet YOU are the one who is tired? Your mil is probably 3 times your age, yet she is able to make a few curries and bread with no complaints. WHY? Because instead of wasting time complaining, THEY GET IT DONE. Take a page from their book and try to become more hard working.

Haven't you ever had any friends in life? Or coworkers? Or neighbors? Or somebody whom you would have had interaction with? If yes, then by now you should know how to carry on a conversation and handle conflict (like the small issues you are having with mil). Just apply the basic skills you already have when handling your mil. And I'm telling you for the last time, if you ever want your dh to ENJOY AND DESIRE to spend time with you, you've got to stop driving him up the wall with this drama. Everyone is annoying to a certain extent, sometimes my dh moves away from me a little because I get on his nerves, but then he moves back because I go back to normal. But ICY, if you are continually grating on your dh, he will keep moving moving moving until he is miles away from you! That's just common sense!

Also, you might want to consider some calming activity like yoga or bird watching, because from your line of thinking I've seen here, you seem incredibly anxious and keyed up ALL THE TIME.

 

Quick question, Aysha: Like you discuss these "issues" here, do you discuss them with your mom/dad? What do they tell? Hope you answer this question..