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MIL situation, not sure what to do!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mariegold, Oct 22, 2014.

  1. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Long Post!!

    My MIL is a good person, hence I have been ignoring few problems because I always thought that small adjustments are always needed in families.


    The main problem I have with my MIL is she tries to control our decisions and has her way in very important decision in our life's. My husband is very attached to MIL and I respect that bond




    - First and significant problem that affects me is how they treat my parents. MIL always expects gifts from my parents and always wants my parents to do all the ceremonies, asks my parents to give us expensive gifts. My parents initially did not mind this but its getting too much for me and my parents now. She wants my parents to bear all expenses for my daughters first birthday, Mundan ceremony and anything related. This is just a example. I have spoken to my parents and strictly asked them to say no. I have confronted this few times and she says this is "paddathi" that they have done for there daughter so they expect the same from us.


    - My Inlwas never speak to my parents, my parents always have to call them and visit them . Not a single call If my parents dont call them like every 15 days, she gets upset saying that my parents dont care about me. Basically she dislikes my parents for some reason.



    - Now the controlling nature, just few examples below


    * She got upset becos I forgot to mention about returns gifts I purchased for my Srimantham.
    * I had breastfeeding issues (not enough milk) she put all the blame and me and my parents saying that my parents are not providing nutritious food for me hence I am failing wit BF. She literally cried before my husband saying and BM is very important for baby and I am not doing a good job trying ( I did try very hard even consulted a lactation consultant and followed her instructions)
    * We planned to celebrate every important milestone in my daughters life likes
    cradle ceremony, annaprasana etc but she always stops it saying she never did for her kids so no need to do now, becos according to her that the paddathi.


    * I dont eat NV during Ganapthi Navaratri, I explained to her that but still she literally forced me to eat egg during ganapthi navaratri becos she says not I should follow there familys tradition, as they eat I should also eat it.






    I have reached saturation point I cannot take her attitude any more. I have explained this to my husband , he tries to speak to MIL but no results.

    How can we explain to her :(
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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  2. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Post in appropriate forum - more IL's will be able to read it and give their suggestions.

    She looks demanding. Tell your parents not to give any more gifts.

    If I were you I would stop giving her too much inputs on what you want to do and all for your daughter. I will just tell her that we want to do this on so and so date at so on so Place for my DD. I like it.

    When she says that is not something she did it for her kids tell her that as the time change we need to change. Also tell her that you like to do it.

    Learn to say no a strong No to things that you dont like to do. Don't let the DH tell it to her. Just firmly say No I dont like to eat Nonveg On Ganesh Navratri. If you want to eat it you eat it. Don't force me.

    You tell her 2/3 times like that she will stop telling you what to do.
     
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  3. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    thank you so much, I will post it on the right forum

    Yes I will surely say no this time as you mentioned above. Only difficulty is she gives us very hard time saying we dont respect elders and we talk back etc....which is emotionally very hard to deal.
     
  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Well. I understand how you feel.
    During the initial years of my marriage, I had to deal with this bossy characteristics of my MIL too. She would impose upon me all her customs - from sitting in the corner during periods to grating the coconut , everything was as per her wish.
    When I had my first child - it was night mare. She would complain subtly about everything. She would try to micro manage the kids food, the way I handle her, EVERYTHING. I was terrified of her and like you said ,did not want to insult her because i have been brought up in an environment where talking back to elders is a big sin.
    after 4 or 5 years, i thought enough is enough. During my second pregnancy she showed me her true colors. So now, I dont take her crap. When she comes and tries to direct me I tell her politely "No amma, this is how I want to do it". I used to give my son oats, she would come and sit next to me and say "Who gives oats to kids? I have never seen anyone doing it". I smiled and said " THAT is why your son has cholestrol of 230. You should give oats to your son instead of malai and ghee filled snacks". When she would try and direct me to cook something her way, I would say "I like to cook it thhis way. If you want, more than welcome to take over and cook the whole dish". Now slowly and steadily she has stopped proxy directing- she still does it, but it has reduced a lot.
    These people feed upon fear and our urge to not talk back. The day that you start becoming stern - they will also back off.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Does she live with you and your DH?
    Do you live in Dallas?
     
  6. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Rihana,

    MIL lives in India but visits us, so most of the time all the issues mentioned above happen over the phone... my husband feels too guilty not telling everything we do to our inlaws, if its is not from them.. husband wants to comply with it

    Yes we live in Dallas
     
  7. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Gauri,

    Thanks a ton for your response. As you mentioned only way out is to become stern.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    First ...sort out your husband.Why is he telling his mother everything..is he a child?
    Tell him he is spoiling relations between you and mil.
    Second....your mil is not a nice person...learn to deal with it.
    Next time she says you don't respect elders....either move away without saying anything or tell her elders should also change with time.

    Tell your parents to stop all giving of gifts and sponsored ceremonies immediately. Let it be a shock to her...as reducing the amount will only attract more criticism.Tell her your husband can take care of his child's expenses.He doesn't need help from his sasural for everything.

    Tell them to call her up only during festivals.If she says they don't call so they don't care about you....'tell her that sounds like a threat'.

    Start doing things your way...tell her padithi also changes with time or else we would still be in caves.

    If she tries to force you to eat non veg....look firmly at her and tell her 'It is between me and my God'.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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  9. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    YellowMango,

    Thank you so much for your response.

    Yes, you are right my husband is totally mama's boy and he feels he is disrespecting them if he dosnt tell the details and follows what they say....I speak to him about this issue regularly but I dont see much change.
     
  10. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Sadly, many Indian husbands are mama's boys. You have to be firm with your husband. Let him know that standing up for yourself is not disrespectful to his parents. It is your right to be treated with respect too. He, being your husband, should not allow you to be treated disrespectfully. No use saying it only. He will only understand when you start being firm with him and ILs.
     
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