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MIL sidelines mom and pretends friendliness to immature aunt!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SmartandSweet, Apr 13, 2010.

  1. SmartandSweet

    SmartandSweet New IL'ite

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    Hi Everybody,
    I have been married for over 8 years and have had my share of in-laws troubles. However there is a issue that keeps cropping up though i try very hard to ignore, it bothers me every now and then. My MIL is a very manipulative and sadistic person by nature. She ignores my parents completly which i am quite used to by now, but keeps very friendly contacts (or atleast pretends to)with my other relatives who completly adore her. She has told me (threatened ??) several times that none of my relatives will believe if i or my parents were to go and say anything bad about her as she has all of them wrapped around her fingers. She is particularly close to one of my aunts (father's sis) whom she calls her 'best friend' to her face but speaks very badly about behind her back. My mother has had/still has her share of in-laws (sis-in-law) trouble but i always find my MIL adds more to her agony each time she has a chat with my aunt. MIL has gone out of ways to insult my parents several times, like she would invite all my relatives for a function in her home and leave my mom out. When we visit India (In-laws, parents and aunt live in the same city) she would invite my aunt for dinner and hug her and pamper her infront of me and would not even talk to my parents over phone even when they specifically ask for her. For her share my Aunt taunts my mom by telling how much closer she is to my MIL than my own mom:bonk. I particularly don't care who remains in MIL's good books or whom she considers her best friend but i get angry and sad when she amuses herself by sadistically playing my aunt against my mom. I try to be Smart and Sweet (as my name suggests) about this whole thing and act ignorant to whatever MIL does in front of her, but somewhere deep down it keeps bothering me . I was wondering if any of you ladies have had similar experience and have any suggestions for me as to how to deal with such people, i welcome all ur advices and views. Thanks for taking time to read my rant.
     
  2. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    WOW... sounds like something that a so-called "relative" of ours used to pull on us. She would go and make friends with all of my parents' saamandis - my in-laws, my brothers' in-laws etc - and would act sugary sweet with them. Then she would cunningly talk crap about my parents to them, including telling my brothers' in-laws about how *I* was treating my in-laws (complete lies as I have good relationship with my PILs), how my brothers' wives should treat my parents, how my MOM used to treat her in-laws etc (which is sheer stupidity as my father's parents passed away when my father was still very young and single). She would also invite the sammandis to important functions but not my parents! Naturally, this created flutters in our relatives' circle - her plan was to simply ruin my parents' name with their sammandis as revenge for a long-standing issue that existed between them (goes back 25+ years!).

    My parents even knew that she was gossiping about us - my brother's wife used to frankly share the nonsense that this woman was spreading with my brother, so it all came back to them. They responded by ignoring these gossips and her stupid tricks. If any sammandi asked why my parents did not attend a particular function, they would clearly say that they were not No justifications, no defensiveness. My MIL is a good woman but she dearly loves a good gossip and would try to probe deeper but my mother just kept repeating the same, simple phrase "We were not invited" or "We do not know why she is doing this" or the best "We aren't that close that we have to attend her functions!" etc.

    In a matter of a few years, our in-laws lost interest in the gossip or in knowing what their problem was with each other was and she too quit playing her tricks simply because she was not getting any reaction / rise out of my parents. My parents were not reacting to her crap, so she lost the incentive to keep it up!!!

    I know this sounds very simple but believe me ignoring someone and their stupid actions is the most hurtful thing you can do them! It bothers them big-time. This woman tried so hard to get a reaction from my mother but my mother would coolly ignore her. She soon learned from our sammandis that she and her nonsense were NOT a big deal to us, that my mother told her sammandis that this person simply wasn't THAT important for her to attend her functions or to make friends with or to keep happy. Boy, my brother's wife told us that us dismissing us and her 'functions' as unimportant chapped her butt BIG TIME! If she tried to get us, then all she succeeded in doing was letting US get to HER!

    You need to do the same thing to your MIL.

    Make it clear that her friendship with your aunt doesn't really bother you. Ask her how she can claim to be deep friends with someone that she then turns around and back-bites? Laughingly ask her why she is trying so hard to befriend your aunt - and if your mother is THAT important for her to get up to such tricks??? The key is to keep a low voice and smile while delivering your comments - and tell her she is an idiot to try these tricks because they don't bother you at all. Let me tell you - the MOST hurtful comments are those that are delivered with a smile. Now, normally, I wouldn't advocate revenge or cruelty. I believe in living and letting live and have personally let a lot of things just go. But when someone asks for it and intends to hurt you or your loved ones, then just don't let that person get away with it!!!

    I think your issue is you are keeping it inside you when you really want to lambast her. If it will give you a release, then do call her out but do so / frame the questions in such a way that she will seem like a BUMBLING idiot in trying to respond / justify her stupidity. And do it when she is least expecting such questioning from her! Revenge, my dear, is best served cold. Bide your time and wait....

    One last thing: Your mother is now herself a MIL. She does not have to take any crap from her SILs. She needs to cut this aunt off completely and if your father is not supportive in this regard, then you adult kids should be and tell this aunt off if/when she picks on your mother again.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Seems like these are age old tricks dear smart and sweet:) mostly used by our old relatives/inlaws...

    Just to get a sweet revenge, I would say try to befriend any of your MIL side relatives..whom she doesnt gel well with:crazy...or someone she is very close...yep call them once in a while...just to chk up or say hi:hiyado this for couple of times...and your MIL would get the message!Cant you play her own game and be good at it...?? come on she has already shared all the tricks of the game isnt she??


    These tactics are surely to annoy you and your parents..this is very evident. However another form of sweetest revenge is, act as if you are enjoying it:ideayeppp!!! right infornt of your aunt, declare that your MIL gels well with everyone in your family....specially your aunts...and that she is such a good natured lady..she gels more with your aunts than with your own mother:biglaughyep say it lovingly and sarcastically...choose the right time! and booooom drop the word:) let her analyse and interpret and examine your words and loose her sleep over night (just like the way she annoyed you...) sometimes our silence goes a looooooooooong way to annoy such people rather than our own words..so wait , watch and act!! but ensure you always have that mischevious smile on your face:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    SnS, I see it as bird of same feather flocking together.
    People who have same objective in life do get together to reach that common goal even if they dislike each other... as they feel that the common goal of insulting someone is better reason to gel for a while.

    Their common goal is to insult your mom, some of them have loads n loads of energy to trouble others even when they have reached the cadre of senior citizen... only GOD can help them.

    My MIL and grandma also gelled a lot when they met for the first & last time during my delivery... they got together sidelined my mom & passed remarks on her.. however by the end of their visit, my FIL screamed at my grandma for god knows what inherent reason.. she got so scared.. that she dint come out of the BR until departure & mom got some breather :biglaugh....... All this politics even for a span of just 10 days.. some ladies get a HIGH with all these instead of banned drugs.
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear SnS,
    Ignore, Smile and show that you care a damn. Also its a good thing that your parents are not in interaction ,its better if they don't have to put up with the crap..

    • Definitely befriend all her enemies from her inlaws side.Make sure DH likes them and call them for bithdays etc .
    • Give them extra attention.
    • When they are around ignore MIL.
    Never let this get to you,

    FL
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  6. SmartandSweet

    SmartandSweet New IL'ite

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    Thank you Malyatha, Srividhya,Shilpama and Foundlove for replying. I have a India trip coming up in a few months and i was kinda dreading it till now, after reading all that you ladies have posted i am so energised i cannot wait for the trip to come any sooner so i can try out some of the things you have suggested.

    Malyatha, Thank you for sharing your story and how your family dealt with such horrible 'relative'. You are absoultly right in your assesment that i have been holding this (and a lot more issues) within me for a long time while i really want to lambast her, I am going to learn to release it (with a sweet smile like u suggested). My Father is unfortunatly no more,he was my mom's rock , he was very protective of her and as long as he was alive my aunt was a little hesitant in her antics but now she is just taking advantage as my brother is very young, innoccent and both my mom and him are soft-spoken and i live far away to know things when they are happening.
    SriVidhya, it irritates MIL very much that her in-laws like me, i did not make any extra effort or any thing to be frank but they just like me and have lot of respect for my mom (especially my MIL'S MIL) I sometimes get a feeling MIL is getting closer to my relatives to bad-mouth about us because she is thinking i am trying to purposly get close to her enemies ( her in-laws) :bonk
    I really love your suggestion of acting to enjoy the gelling between aunt and MIL i am going to try to sound loving and sarcastic at the same time and make it sting............I am not really very good at giving back to either my aunt or MIL (since i am scared of all the drama and tension) but this way both will not even have a reason to go and complain ' she said this and that' to anybody.
     
  7. SmartandSweet

    SmartandSweet New IL'ite

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    Shilpama, I agree they 'are definetly birds of the same feather' and i am waiting when they will flock together far far away from me :)They have very similar mindset (evilish) and u are right they do not even like each very much but are just using each other to get to my Mom :crazy.
    Must have been such a tension and awkward time for you to go through all the family politics during your delivery.:drowning
    Hey Foundlove thank you for the pointers , i am trying to memorise it in that order, i have never tried to ignore MIL while i am with all their relatives as she gets all flustered when they talk to me nicely but am sure going to do it now to give back a taste of her own medicine.

    I feel a new sense of freedom for some reason after posting and hearing from you ladies , maybe because i have had this bottled up inside for so long, Thank you.
     
  8. pstar

    pstar Junior IL'ite

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    coming to think of it- i have all the problems mentioned in other threads with ILS
    !-mil close with all other relatives to get inside info /gossip about my parents
    2- mil ignores me and talks only DH when we are in the house
    3- fil looks through me-as if i were invisible, but keeps a hawks eye on the phone when I make a call ( in fact even rushes in to check the minutesI have spoken)
    4-sil-bossy, bad mouths me (very sweetly and with a sweet smile, and low voice) and sugars up my kids and DH
    5-bil-bossy to the extent that he will question me about my comments to DH ( like I had told him once that I would like to settle near my hometown and bil questions me in front of mil, fil & DH about this decision of mine-of course DH had disclosed this to him)
    I really dont know how to handle this lot, and sometime I wonder how I have managed so far, and for how long I can take it.
    hahahaa-anyways best wishes with how to deal with mil.:thumbsup
    My mil, she was very close to my mothers mother and they used to get together just to gossip (both are headmistresses so u can guess the amt of taunting they can manage between the two of them)
    Well, my grandmother passed away recently, so poor mil isnt able to accumulate or gel with any of our other relatives-as a result she is unable to get any info and act smart with my parents.
    :rotfl
     

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