MIL makes me sick.

Great. Wish you the best! Things will work out fine. Just do your part and rest will fall in place.

SS

 

Hello
I read the above thread and my stoy is also similar to that . inspite of using some tact and diplomacy , i have not been succesfull. I also wanted a sloution for my porblem which I want to narrate ;


I am 42 year emplyed in government service and having 11 years doaughter and married for the past 14 years . earlier we were in delhi and shifted to bangalore 2 years back . in delhi my MIl used to stay for 6 months for looking after ny daughter and because of winter there she used to stay in my elder BIL at south . My SIl is in Mysore . My DH works in private and has short temper and very very egositic . Now after shiftiung here my MIL is staying permanantely with me Mil is very diplomatic and demanding,dominant . Whatever i say she will say the opposite . and in front of my DH she will pity me and favour me so that i dont have any chance of complaining to him about MIL. and behind the back she will grumble to me about my DH also. My DH takes his own decisions and will not listen to either of us and underestimates both me and my MIL. He opines that i don't know anything and expects that i should never reply back and say NO to any things. Further if he is angry he will shout at me in fiornt of all and will neer see who is near by . as working in a respecatable position (a gazetted Officer ) sometimes I feel ashamed also . i have already told to my DH not to do like this but in vain. And my MIl also says that he being a male will be like that and he will not help me in my work at all. i accompany my daughter to the Bus stop for catching the School bus I go to amrket for buing milk, vegetals and other things. He will just sit and while away yhe time and go the offcie . My MIL says tjat whatever you need you say to me and I will do. But when I say she will do when my DH is ther and when he is not there she will pretend to be sick and take advantage of the oldness . She is now 73.

another added problem is that my husband is having chronic leg/ankle pain for which my MIL will always sit near him and pres his legs . As I don't have time and energy to do this I never do this she takes th advantage and utilizes the opprtunity. She will press his legs and head till he sleeps. she will not refuse a ny help to him even if she is scik .

another problem has been added because of my nieces (My elder BIL's daughter) staying with us who has got a job in WIPRO at Bangalore she goes from my home and I pack her breakfast and lunch also. she differentiates between her and my daughter .

Becasue of the above and work pressure at offcie i shout in home and aget anry and reply back to my DH when i am cool i think that i should not reply in future but in vain . another saddism of my DH is that he doesnot allow me to lsiten to music , watch TV , and read books when he is at home. He is interested in going to temple and has got his own whims and fancies . Both my DH nad MILa re medicine freindly . for even a small health problem they will go to doctor and eat lot of medicines .

My close friend has advised me that be cool and ignore about what MIL says or does . keep reciting some slokas or pray . i do but not able to do regular manne r. sometimes when i am depressed i dont do any thing.

as i found this forum to be helpful in other areas, i have poured out my problems in anticipation of getting some releif . today i have spent nearly one hour of office timings to write this as i am very depressed today and i am living only for the sake of my daughter who needs me.

pelase advise me to manage state of affairs at home so that mental peace can be attained . awaiting response .

 

This is for Shanti Ranganathan who is feeling despondent about her family life. This is a prime example of a society where women are not treated well inspite of economic independence. That is why it is upto us women to become accountable for our lives. If marriage means slavery then have the courage to walk away.
If you sit and think about what freedom from this drudgery will give you then you have to come up with a solution. In such a case ending the relationship is better than ending one's life.

 

Dear Lavanya & Shanthi,

Believe in yourself and the world will believe you ...easy to preach but difficult to practice. But believe me the day you accept this fact, you will know that it does make a difference.

Be calm and quite...don't answer back....and at the same time don't be submissive too but don't try to be over assertive as well. Learn to strike a balance.

Shanthi for you i would say that chalk out a time table for yourself from morning to the end of the day....and organise yourself...so you won't have to depend on others much for anything. Now your daughter is also 11 yrs old so slowly start grooming her in day to day household chores...so she will be able to help you...maybe not heavy work but small things that make a difference. Also don't try to poinson her ears against your DH & MIL....let her learn herself that injustice is metted out to you. And also concentrate on her that she grows up to be a good human being.

Lavanya & Shanti, whatever you do do it with a smile and positive attitude then you will not feel its burden. These are not empty words....i am talking from experience.

Also never talk ill about your MIL & DH with each other they will never accept the short comings of their family members. Learn to be diplomatic.

As SS said when your IL visit you in Dubai...its your home...so take charge if your husbands schedule is busy...you take over the charge of taking them shopping etc. and when you husband is free take them on outings or dinner...this way they will not spend too much as your husband is not around and to your husband you can say that we can utilise the day time effectively so you don't unnecessarily get hard crushed for time. This will help especially if your husband is not a keen shopper and one who avoids going on shopping spree with the ladies.

Make dishes which your IL relish and mention it specially when everyone is around that you have made this because so and so likes it. On weekends when everyone is at home...and if you are aware that something that your MIL makes is relished by your husband...then announce in fron of everyone that you are making that and that your MIL is going to teach you how to do it. or vice versa...these are some small tips...you can come up with more such things depending on the situation.

But one thing is important to all don't ever let anyone take you for a ride....learn how to smoothly come out of it and turn the tables by not spoiling relations.

All the best.

Warm regards
Roopa.

 

hello roopa
thanks for the lovely advise and very glad to know that you have shown a correct path to me . i also think that i should not reply back but sometimes becuse of the pressure at home and office i behave like that . but from today onwards i will follow and remember the words

"Whatever you do , do it with a smile and positive attitude "

Thanks alot for guiding me

bye

shanthi mane PEACE

 

Shanthi, I was actually very upset and disturbed when I read your post. Especially because this has been going on for 14 long years and no one has tried to put a stop to it! I was trying to think hard what to suggest to you to change the situation. I did not want to reply to you in an upset mode J

Roopa has given great pointers on how to deal with the IL situation. Roopa, I completely agree with the thought that one must do things with a smile. The attitude that you wear while doing something makes a world of a difference!

I would like to add a few more things here.

Start doing a few things that you really enjoy and derive happiness out of. It is VERY important to take care of yourself, your needs and your desires. We women burn ourselves out totally taking care of everyone else. You must save some energy for yourself. Have a friend circle where you do fun things. Plan things with your daughter that’ll be fun for both you and her. This will also show your daughter that you have a fun loving side to your personality. Kids need to see the good side of us too. Watch a movie, go shopping, read books, practice spirituality, anything really that interests you. You have got to do a few things that add color to your life.

And don’t expect that your husband or mil will support you in this. In fact they may even try to make you feel bad about it But don’t fall into that trap. If you are happy inside, you will be more willing to accommodate others and do things to make them happy too. Please don’t undermine yourself and belittle your needs.

We women have a tendency to think that taking care of ourselves translates into being selfish. It is not true at all.

I firmly believe that it is impossible for an angry, dissatisfied, frustrated and bitter person to make others happy for long. Even if such a person does things for others it is out of lack of choice and this person will be bitter about it latter. It is my personal experience that when I take care of myself I automatically extend myself more to take care of others. If I am feeling good and positive, I send those vibes to everyone around me as well. So don’t hold yourself back in making yourself happy and content. This should come first. You have to do whatever it takes to do it. Don’t fear anything or anyone. Slowly when they see you more positive and less angry they will start seeing why you do what you do.

Another important thing that you must think about is what kind of lesson are you teaching your daughter by being like that? Our kids subconsciously pick up things from our behavior and unknowingly these become a part of their personality too. There is no denying this fact. So set the right example for her by taking care of yourself, being assertive and in the process displaying a positive attitude. I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough. We do not want to pass on our limitations and handicaps to the next generation. We have to empower them with the things that we lacked ourselves and empowerment will come only when they see the right examples.

And yes, like Roopa has said, never let anyone take you for granted. No matter who it is – hubby, mil, relatives. There is always a way to be nice but firm. In a given situation always try to think of how you can do it the nice but firm way. Don’t ever compromise on the firm part when you know people are trying to take advantage of you.

Have a wonderful day and start incorporating a few good things for yourself in your daily routine.

SS

 

Shanthi

I totally agree with whatever SS and Roopa has said. However I think some point needs to be reiterated.

First and foremost, Tell That BIL's daughter to stay by herself. She is independednt and she should stay in some hostel or so. I was in delhi , I had so many mausi 's and Bua's there. I didnt stay with them. My parents were of the opinion that I will be unnecesarrily loaded with responsibility to be part of their family issues. And they also felt the relations gets stretched for such long term solutions. If she was here for few weeks, few months. Her stay with you made sense. Since it s long term, tell her modestly that It will be good for her if she managed her own acomodation. Dont care to look bad in front of BIL and MIL. I am telling this few days' of looking bad is all worth compared to bearing her for few years,

Second. Start serious medication for whatever chronic pain your husband is having in his leg. You are better off dealing least wit MIL. She is old at age of 73. So no point pushing her. If you can afford , keep part time maid.

Third, I know your husband is moulded in "Not helping " frame. But You need to get this person help you gradually , slowly. There is no substitute for getting your spouse to assist in day to day running of life. Dont take all the repsonsibility of running the house. Let things slip. If he is not goign to pay bill. Let there be no electricirty or phone for some weeks. He needs to learn. Let there be no groceries for few weeks.
We ourselves are responsible for letting other people ride on us. Dont pick up other's slack.

Hope this helps
ria

 

200% agree with Ria on getting your BIL's daughter to move out. I meant to mention it in my reply, but forgot to.. Relationships only get bitter if one depends and expects too much out of them, which is what your niece is doing.

You need to bite the bullet of being the bad one and force this matter regardless of what your hubby and mil think. This is totally unreasonable.

If you don't speak up and raise a stink about it, no one else will because it is working out in their favor.

SS

 

Good morning friends,

I agree with what Ria & SS have to say about your niece...they are right in their own way.

Lavanya & Shanti...both of you can go thru this...

But my real life experience is different. When we shifted to Pune in 2004, my husband's cousin brother is also working in the same orgn. so he too moved as the entire biusiness had shifted from mumbai to pune. So i only offered that he stay with us. And it was natural being the first cousin that he be with us for all probable reasons and convenience. Also right from day one the day we shifted to Pune i have been having guests round the year....i am also working ...being new we just had one maid who came and helped us with the house work.

But within a few days we all got into a routine, sharing work and managing home and office...we live together as well as work together in the same office. When his mother visited us in pune she was surprised to see her son helping me...so aunty jokingly said that at home my son dosen't help me...so i said that here all of us are running short of time so if everyone dosen't lend a helping hand we will be nowhere.

He was with me for about 13 months...even after his marriage both BIL & co-sis were with me then they shifted to US.

Currently i have my neice with me for almost 22 mths now & my DH's cousin sis for the past 2 mths. If we have an understanding and handle things tactfully we will not face any problem. Both the girls are enjoying here...otherwise we don't go out much on weekends or for movies, dinners etc...normally at home, but doing something constructive...but no one complains and we just don't know how time flies. We all have a great time...and both the girls understand that how busy we are and just having fun and enjoying is not the only thing in life...enjoyment comes in various forms.

What i mean to say is Shanti, if you have your niece...treat her like your daughter even though she may act indifferent...slowly she will realise your importance. All 3 of you do things together...take turns one week you do what your niece likes, next what you like and 3rd what your daughter likes. So she will fell welcome. Also think that if ever you have to send your daughter out of town for studies or work..will you like her to stay with good relatives or manage alone on her own.

It is very difficult in India to manage on your own...and being in Pune i know the pros & cons of it. Issues like

Safety/security
Food
When you fall sick...if you are on your own there is no one to take care....in our office i bring our employees home if they fall sick and are not able to manage on their own.
And all other house related work that goes with it.
Also, if they are staying with someone ...they are under a guardian...otherwise if they fall in bad company...it will be very difficult to bring them back on track.

As SS has said start doing things that you like as well as what your daughter likes...don't ever make her feel that she is brought up in a troubled environ. Then she will also start looking at positive side of life.

On weekends do cooking together...trying out some new dishes. If your husband and MIL are not interested make the usual stuff for them...but for the 3 of you make something different. 4 weekends do 4 different activities. One week for cooking, one weekend movie, one weekend go to some nearby park, etc..etc. If there is mall around, go do groceries from there and also stroll around have something there etc.

You can always come up with something new.

The best way to win your niece is give her some surprise. If her b'day is around then give her a surprise b'day party...maybe you can call her parents and take them in confidence and tell them that you plan to give her a surprise party and it would be great if they can land to b'lore on that day after their daughter leaves for office...then you will win confidence of your BILs family too.

All the above i have written from my personal experience and no exagerations.


All the best
Roopa.

 

Wow Roopa.

I must say You are one golden timer "Good Host and Good relative" to have. :queen
I didnt even stay with own brother and SIL in delhi. I just wanted to have my own life too. So I must say relatives like you are keeping the "Old hospitable values of India" intact.

Your thinking is very adjusting and humble for such a difficult set up. Hat off to you for pulling it together.

Ria