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mil is most insecure person alive...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by jhalli27, Jan 22, 2010.

  1. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    hi all,
    im back after a long hiatus. anyways, in my prev post had mentioned abt mil being scared/insecure abt everything and it affecting my unborn child (in the prev mail).

    im now a mom to a dd and its been 2 months now. n now my fears are all coming true - mil gets scared for EVERY thing that dd does/does not do. list is:

    if she sneezes - y is she sneezing so much, her nose wil become big
    if she doesnt potty for a day - oh my god, she is not pottying
    potty is green color due to formula - oh my god y is it green
    mucus comes out in baby's potty - oh my god, y is it coming like this.
    skin rash - oh my god, y is this come
    breathing noise - oh my god, y so noisy
    if she cries in sleep - oh my god, she is not confortable
    scared to clean her vagina - oh my god, it will pain her
    scared to give her little more than 'warm' milk - oh my god, its too hot
    scared if mosquitoes will bite her - y is she crying???

    im not exxagerating, but her reaction to everything related to dd starts with 'oh my god' accompanied with a frown/worry on her face. according to my mom/friend/net/everyone i know - all things she does is PERFECTLY NORMAL and expected. and i feel there is nothing to worry as its just the begining and part of bringing up children. there will be worst situations, god forbid. how will she handle it?? also i feel babies will express by crying if anything bothers them.

    and mil does not even gives the baby a chance to cry! even if dd makes a little noise, she runs to carry/look after her. sometimes when baby is not sleeping, but is quiet, i just leave her to self soothe herself to sleep. also, i believe its good for the baby to sleep by themselves. but if mil sees baby is not sleeping (and playing) she will immediately lift her and start singing pampering her.

    i appreciate the concerns and love she has for dd - but frankly i think its just inconfidence/insecurity on her behalf. i feel she is being too over possessive about handling the baby. she has even openly told me that she gets 'panicky'!! worse - even when i am calm, she gets so panicky that some of it rubs at me as well and invariable i end up getting panicky or irriting for no reason! infact dd paed dr too told mil not to be panicky, but she just doesnt seem to change.


    im gonna join back work and if this attitude continues, i dont know how she will take care of her. also, all this will rub on my dd. my dh and fil are also kind of low risk/insecure/unsure people. i really dont know what to do and how to make/ask her to relax a little.

    pls help!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think, especially if this is your mil's first grandchild, she'll feel like wanting to protect her from everything.

    But probably over time as she spends more time careing for your DD, and see's for herself that DD is not going to fall apart or break from every sneeze or sniffle, she will relax a little bit. It's funny... you sound like the seasoned pro and she sounds like the clueless new parent! :rotfl

    Just stay calm and assure her that your DD is fine. Remind her that even her DS (your hubby) would have probably done the same things back when he was a baby. Your baby is only two months old... I think in a few more months things will settle down and she will start to be seen as just another part of the family. Until then, obviously everyone will get hyped up and ooooo and ahhh at everything she does. Just relax, and take this opportunity to show your mil and dh what a cool and condident mom you are.

    Best wishes for you and baby! :thumbsup
     
  3. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    Your post brought me 10yr back memories. Thanks.
    Now, elder dd is 10yrs old. She is the first grandchild in my Parents side.
    My mom was like that....like your MIL now.

    She would never allow baby to cry.
    If the baby drinks anything less than an ounce of milk she would say "You need take her to the doc since today she did not drink milk well". As if there was some measured amount which she HAD to drink.
    Some days if the weather was cold and dd would sleep more than 2 hrs mom would be like "Check her, why is she sleeping so much?" I would say, "Mom, the weather is like that and she is so cosy and warm, who would want to get up?" Mom will not stop there, she will go and put her finger near dd's nose to see if she is breathing!!:bonk

    Jhalli, there are so many incidents like that it is not possible for me to put all here. Now, my dd is 10 and when I tell her about her grandma when we go for visits, she laughs and gives a big hug to her grandma and say "Grand ma you love me so much, I love you too"!!!!:kiss

    Little does she know my condition then......:-(


    The latest incident was, DD's class was all going for science/nature study tour for 2 days. I told mom when I called. Her immediate question was " You go with her too. Don't leave the child alone like that".
    I told "Mom, I am not allowed to, and don't worry teachers are there to take care and she is 10 yrs old, not a toddler".
    Mom said " Do as I say, Tell the teacher you need to be there too".
    I said " Why?"
    Mom's anxiety was " How will she manage to take a shower on her own, go to potty on her own and moreover who will feed her?"

    I was like "MOM, COME ONE NOW! This is too much, She is 10, and now for goodness sake STOP IT, You are driving me crazy".:bang

    Mom thinks I still give my dd shower, dress her up and feed her just like how you do to babies because her memories of dd are 10yrs back ones.

    So, Jhalli, just do what you think is right for baby and take it cool. In this whole scenario atleast one person should maintain COOL and SANITY!! JMO!!


    Meena
     
  4. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    @suitablegirl - yea, even i feel that she is the new mom n me experience. actually i do have experience taking care of my nephews. last child mil took care of was her children. and even when i say anything her answer is "my children never did this" .. or "i dont remember this during my time". obviously there is no comparison to what a baby did 28 yrs back and now.
    anyways, yea, i just have to remain calm and handle her.. hopefully she grows out of the over possesiveness and becomes stronger over the period of time.. wish me luck though :)

    @meena2 - my mil is just like what u say her. but the BIG difference is it was ur MOM and here it is my MIL. can u picture yelling or getting pissed off at ur mil ;)?. had it been my mom, i wud have made her a pro too :). but with mil its difficult. she doesnt have her own thinking and whatever fil says, she repeats the same. so if i tel her something, it invariably reaches fil. and then BOTH end up thinking im the villain and being too casual! bottom line - its mil and not mom. so need real tactics to handle her
     
  5. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    You are right, Jhalli that it is MIL in your case which calls for more tact.

    My sister's MIL is of that kind who believe that healthy child is one who is in fact fat.
    Fat according to us but healthy for her. You can easily make out looking at the child's activities if the child is healthy or not. A healthy child though is slim is active unlike overweight child who struggles to pull themselves up if they sit on the floor. But she clearly disagrees.....why? Because she and her children even my sister's husband are all over weight. My sister had problems conceiving because the doc said the sperms are not healthy and for that her husband has to physically active and lose weight. He has taken up yoga and is doing good and finally sister conceived. When the baby was around 10 months old and started eating solids her MIL would make all fatty foods and say it is healthy and will make the baby look cute. My sister actually was pissed off so much. Ghee, ghee, butter ,butter in everything. If the baby was cranky and did not eat much my sister would pacify him and put him to bed. She would try giving him food but if he refuses she would not bother. Her MIL would call that bad mothering. She would run behind with food. All this actually made my sister so irritated that one day she went to pediatrician and told him. He said OK tomorrow bring your MIL and husband to me. Tell your hubby that there was a call from my office and I need to brief him about immunizations and some general tips for baby care. Next day all three, sister, mil and hubby went. The doctor lectured them for 20 mins and in that only 2 mins about immunization and the rest was all my sister's concerns.

    But do you think the MIL agreed to all that?? On the way back she said they need to change the doctor as this one will spoil the baby's health if you follow him. My sister stuck to him. Finally, my sister had to tell "Amma, we are not doctors so we need to follow whatever he says. He is very popular doctor around and if the baby is not well and I go to him he will ask me if I am doing as he said. And I cannot lie then. So, just leave the baby's care to me and you take care of other things".

    There is still lot of grumbling from her MIL but atleast my sister uses doctor's words as the only weapon to ward off her MIL whenever she gets on her nerves.

    Hope this helps. Try going from the doctors side. Lot of time if we say "yeah, you may be right but the doctor told me to do like this" may help.


    Meena
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2010
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Might be as ASG said..

    This behaviour is because your daughter might have been the first grand kid...so extra love..extra attention...

    Dont worry about how your daughter will be when you go to work...when she is 2 or 3 yrs old...you would join her in preschool right??? so slowly she would understand what is and what is not acceptable....As she is an infant now...all the grand parents would be extra attentive to them...Even my mom says that until the kid is 6 to 8 months old..its very very delicate etc..etc..so dont worry and dont pay attention to your MILs words..look at it in a positive way..that they care for your daughter so much....take care of yourself...
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2010
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    J.. congrats for ur first baby.
    My MIL was also same... I would get bothered with those extra pamperous comments & rushings to not to let the baby strengthen their lungs or test their vocal cords.

    Oldies dont change & esp u cant tell anything to MILs... don't worry soon u'll get used to it. .also when u start ur work.. u'll hear some more .. anyhow there'll be no energy to hoard any as u'll be rushing everywhere.. hence its a matter of time.

    Be patient all the time in front of her & if u find something really bothering then just mention it to ur DH that she shud refrain from speaking that & keep a punching bag at home.. which u can express ur anger on.
     
  8. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    thank u ladies.. :) will have to grin and bear it till work starts i guess!!

    abt telling DH - im scared to do that. he says 'be happy someone is there to look after her and u can go out' and 'beggars cant be choosers'! thats true - if not for mil, i would still be stuck at home. i appreciate her help. so guess will bear it thinking 'i owe it to her' for all the support given by her!
     

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