MIL giving hard time

semaphore · May 27, 2010

Hello All,

I got married and left to US with DH few years ago. We had a baby last year and my parents came to help me out. I went back with my parents with baby for vacation; DH couldnt join us . Spent some time with in-laws place and came back with MIL to US. My FIL scheduled to join us later.

Before going ahead, my mil wasnt happy with our marraige, not to mention she was dowry minded. But we didnt lived together so far. while in India didnt interact much.

In US, first week was very uncomfortable. I tried analysing her and do stuff to balance. She never helped me with anything(btw, I am working mom). Initially it was tough to adjust from mom's comfort to mil no-help. DH was helping me in chores as usual. End of first week, she pick a fight regarding money matters. I gently escalated to DH and she was quite. After this incident she started with irritating behaviours, comments, complaints etc. I just ignored(although hurt..). Then she came up with concern that her son shouldnt help me in kitchen. We tried explaning how it is in US and working ppl with kid. She was quite again for some more time. But she kept poisoning my DH mind and always compares 2nd DIL(stay home girl..with no baby yet) cleanliness and cooking 3 times. One fine day, she pick a fight abt cooking and cleanliness, DH supported her. Both started raising voice on me.

I realised the her pinch and left the scene. she came back of me and triggered me to talk. I couldnt take anymore and started replying them. she pulled all the past and money etc etc .. what not. I was shocked for a while but bursted out at her. My DH supported her further. It was like fuel and fire. He came forward for physical abuse.

I couldnt take it anymore. Called my parents. Dh didnt even respect them and started talking divorce crap. They spoke with FIL. He said he will handle when he comes down here. he is here now but have not spoken a word yet.

I am confused as how to proceed. Should I wait they start or should I talk abt it. I am really frustrated with DH who can be brainwashed easily. They both behave very normal now in fil. I am so angry and yet dont want to take harsh decision.

btw, Dh has no concern or attempt to talk abt this.
I even tried from my side but he had list and list of complaints against me (here in US as well as while I was on vacation in India). He told me that his bros, sis, bil etc etc compained abt me. I realised they all poisoned his mind against me while i was in india.

Day by day my mind is inclining towards seperation. Please advice.

Thanks in advance for your time and suggestion.

asuitablegirl · May 27, 2010

How were things before your inlaws came?

I think you need to ask your husband why there has been this sudden change in him towards you. When he tells that all of his relatives don't like you, then remind him that they aren't married to you, HE is, and that what they think about you shouldn't matter.

If your mil is doing all that harassing stuff day in and day out, you need to explain to your husband that if he doesn't stand up for you, he at least needs to allow you to stand up for yourself. You shouldn't have to be chased through the house by your mil.

Ask him point blank if he is going to abuse you everytime his mom says something bad about you. Because really, life can't go on like that! Suppose she says something again tomorrow, so will he raise his hands on you then too? You've really got to get that sorted out. Let him know you've been thinking about that and you are worried it might happen again. See what he says.

Whether he likes it or not, he has to grow up and stop letting his mom rule the roost. He's got his own roost now. One that involves an innocent kid. Try to get your husband to understand where his responsibilities should be. Hopefully he will see that his mom is putting him at risk of losing the two most precious people in his life: you and your child.

Peace777 · May 27, 2010

Semaphore, sorry about your plight. Please dont involve your parents. It never helps, and friends help better in this situation. It stresses parents out forever. Also, if ILs know that the parents know, then they wouldnt spare a oppurtunity to talk crap to your parents about this.

Divorce is rarely a good solution. You have 2 problems in hand : Bad MIL and DH who gets brainwashed easily.

Bad MIL : Pray for her to return sooner. Stay out with your kid or send them out. Get a maid if work is a problem. Let DH understand that she is not helping and to ensure that his mom doesnt has to work, you are getting a maid to ensure that she is happy. You can get maids for $25/hr in CA as well. Just ask your friends around.
Make sure you dont invite her again. Keep your visit to her in India barely to a day or two.

DH who gets brainwashed easily : You should go with your husband for marriage counselling. Never pick up a fight with DH infront of your MIL. DH will always support MIL even if its clear that you are right.

ShilpaMa · May 27, 2010

Semaphore, I have the same opinion as Peace.
Infact mine is same situation that all have some or the other complain and the root cause being MIL is extensively money minded and not at all happy with the marriage.

If I see myself talking back to them when they're at a high pitch, I can visualise myself with same treatment of them getting physical to prove their point. I simply avoid altercations with them cos I know I shall never win over those morons... sometimes Silence plays a bigger role in dealing with hot headed people around. I can be extensively loud with people with whom I can win my battles.. so am not a submissive personality.

The basic fact that your FIL is not opening the pandora box is that you're right but he cant prove MIL wrong, gone are the days of motherly cover or home where someone was there to speak up for you if you were RIGHT. Inlaw situation needs be dealt diplomatically.
Even if you walk out of this marriage.. will you or your family let you live peacefully as single? If not then whats the assurity that the next fellow or his family will be peaceful? If you divorce him it might become a learning curve for him and may stand up for the next wife... will that help you?

According to me Divorce is the last resort where your husband is abusive day in and out without a catalyst called MIL. Not all people can love and respect you and inlaws can be one of them and as a general practise most sons wont offend their parents even if they're wrong.

kma · May 27, 2010

There are some hard lessons all of us learn when we start dealing with inlaws. What I learnt but still find hard to apply all the time is

This is a little hard and very unfair but better not to assign too many works in the kitchen in front of them, assign some other works.

Better to give some extra attention to hubby dear when mom is there whereas generally we tend to do the opposite. Whenever my MIL is around I find that conflicts with DH are on the rise as I vent out all my frustration on him.

You should never escalate matters with your DH even if MIL is wrong. Listen to them and leave them.

Never fight with hubby in front of them.

Bite your tongue and keep quiet and forget about such a thing called ego/self respect or whatever.

All these are necessary to save our face and sanity when dealing with inlaws. However nice husbands are otherwise, we cannot predict how they change in the presence of their people.

radhaparth2000 · May 27, 2010

Dear Semaphore,

I agree with other friends here. One thing I wish to mention is they are trying to make the situation worse by provoking you.The more you talk, more irritated will be your DH. Keep calm and don't answer when they try to irritate you. May be you can explain to your dh when you talk to him alone. You will come out of this soon and lead a happy life.

semaphore · May 28, 2010

Thanks for all your responses.

Indeed I was patient for 3 months. But I was helpless and had to call parents. They were talking crap about my parents too.
DH is behaving as if nothing happened. Everything looks like bad dream for me. Well, I had not mentioned that DH had been physical abusive before too. He is into serious problem due to his drinking problems. His mother acts blind for all his bad habits.

Dont they deserve to know all of it just like wanna know about my earnings. His parents/sibblings pull out all money; neither does he nor they think/plan about his family or grandson. I am really upset about his negligence about savings. Inspite of this situation MIL expects me to quit job and stay back home cooking for her. Its ridiculous and couldnt take anymore crap from them.

I understand all of your suggestions to just ignore her BUT what about whatever happened so far. I am unable to forget and forgive. I want to bring few of these things to his parents notice. In that my parents also will have some peace if some outcome can be seen.

I also want to try seperation rather than
Please advice what to do next. Thanks ..

ars · May 28, 2010

Physical abuse even before MIL came into picture. OMG You put up with it. Drinking problem is not good too. Now you have a kid.
My advice is instead of talking infront of all. Ask your husband that you want to air some of your concerns in privacy. I hope he agrees. If he does tell him what you are feeling. Go for counselling.
Good Luck.

semaphore · May 28, 2010

Ars - Yes he was abusive earlier for silly reasons and would blame me for that. It all use to be quarrel and quarrel ...
I even talked to him in privacy abt his behaviour but justifies that he needs break ... excuse me, I see that time as spending quality time with baby ... Ofcourse I too work like him and work at home too .. He just comes in too late(past midnite or early morning..) drinking.

I even locked once at abt 2am. He went back(god knows when he arrived and checked) to his f'd place and came back at 10am after nap. His mother inspite of knowing this was deaf and blind. How long shud I hide this. talking in privacy for him is me picking a quarrel.

Kma - forgot to mention it to you.
I dont assign much work to him after they are here. just putting to dish washer and washing few baby bottles. I have feet pain since postpartum and cannot stand for long hours ... he knows it. Hence assign that work.
mil goes to bed but i think she follows a lot whats happening in living room/kitchen. As soon as she hears washing/water sound wakes up and chit chat with son. Also reminds him that he shud not be doing that work or so.

When there was that incident, she mentioned that I make him work in kitchen.

Well, its just crazy the way she use to be and now how she behaving innocent.

They want to sight see but i feel so angry and frustrated to go with them. I always see her inner face. although i wanna take baby out and enjoy with family but reminds me of that incident. This is giving me extra time with baby with no double faced creatures at home. At the same time, i will worry what they would poison his mind again and again.

So, friends I have something in my mind; pls let me know if I am thinking wrong.
They all have taken it too lightly. DH is just too ignoring my concerns, pain etc. This is hurting my parents too. I seriously dont want to divorce him but want to teach them all a lesson that i am serious abt it. So, I want to check how 'seperation' works. This would trigger in-laws about my issues. I am also thinking to put forward his prev behaviour and current habits. Then i would know what really they all want.

Pls advise or suggest.
Thanks for patience.

asuitablegirl · May 28, 2010

semaphore,

you mentioned seperation. if there is indeed so much physical abuse and his perpetual drunkeness, then i think seperation may be the wisest choice, even if it's just temporary to shake him up.

however, you have to be so careful when implementing that. i have heard many times that often times the most dangerous part of a woman being in an abusive relationship comes when she tries to leave. If you bring this topic up, make sure to monitor him carefully. if he starts to fly off the handle, DROP THE TOPIC and make plans quietly without informing him until you've reached safety. If you feel he might physically restrain you from leaving, leave when he is not around, and stay some place he cannot get at you. ideally, he should seek help for his problems while you are away, and only return once he has made some progress.

One issue is, there is a child involved, and you BOTH are the parents. So I would go talk to the police or a lawyer just to see what the rules are if you want to move out temporarily with the kid. so make sure you do this right and in accordance with the law so he OR HIS FAMILY cannot try to create trouble for you.

It is indeed sad when a family is broken up. But it's equally sad that you are being physically and mentally abused in your own home. your husband needs to change, i think that is the only way you all will ever have happiness as a family. and if you think temp seperation will bring about that change, go for it.