1. Have an Interesting Snippet to Share : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Mil- Dil And The ‘kimkartavyavimoodh’ Son.

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by HariLakhera, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,496
    Likes Received:
    6,777
    Trophy Points:
    470
    Gender:
    Male
    :hello:@HariLakhera

    • किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़
    Etymology. Borrowed from Sanskrit किम् (kim, “what?”) +‎ कर्तव्य (kartavya, “to be done, duty”) +‎ विमूढ (vimūḍha, “perplexed, confused”), literally "confused about what to do".
    Adjective
    किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़ (kiṅkartavyavimūṛh
    (humorous) flabbergasted, bewildered, thunderstruck

    2. From numerous posts in IL RELATIONSHIP forum, one discovers in many geographies only DILs remain bewildered, confused, and even in couples out of love marriage, the wives are getting harassed in one form or another by their spouse jointly with their DIL FIL SIL & even BILs.

    3. Menfolk remained a meek and or mute spectator between grinding wheels - the spouse and their mother are old stories.

    4. When two are at loggerheads, third one remaining a spectator is the best course for entire family. Siding with any one results in more chaos and at times turn to dangerous levels. Let them do tit for tat or pay in their own coins or same coins - men maintain social distance & carry face or body shield as there could be a moment both mom and spouse might hammer him.

    5. Men will have to answer for his remaining silence during that pillow-talk hour but that is entirely a different story.

    Ps: the irony for me is that am dealing with this subject today (19th Jan) 46 years before - the day I tied that three knots around and behind nape of my spouse’s neck.

    Thanks and Regards.

    GOD - You had created everything with a purpose that includes MIL vs DIL in Cold War.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2021
    HariLakhera likes this.
  2. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    1,576
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male

    It is a subject that never gets old. We have the role reversal now. It becomes for sons to mediate between wife and mother. Taking sides is tough, reasoning out is likely to be taken as a bias.
     
  3. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,165
    Likes Received:
    2,293
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    i came here after such a long time facing the same MIL-DIL and poor son situation and this was the first thread in my notifications. I guess universe conspires in mysterious ways.

    My question is, why is it the son who is always sandwiched? why not the daughter? because, a son's parents (read mom) think, just because they gave birth to a son, they have sprouted horns. And then the pressure starts building from childhood to prove his loyalty and culminates with the son's marriage.

    Now, Daughter's parents on the other hand know right from birth "she doesn't belong to us, she will go to her own HOUSE"(the fact that 'her HOUSE' is just that -a HOUSE, not HOME is completely different matter, but I digress), no expectations, no sandwich

    IMHO - being sandwiched is a matter of perception vs reality.

    A son is perceived to be sandwiched although in reality is NOT because his parents get taken care of anyway.

    A daughter IS really sandwiched but is not perceived to be because her parents get left alone once she is married.
     
  4. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    1,576
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    The reason because the daughter is now daughter in law. The mother is a mother in law for her. The son is sandwiched because she can not take sides but is expected to be on both sides which is not possible. If he takes sides he is damned, if he does not he is damned. If he tries to remain neutral, he is doubly damned, though it is best option.
    Let us reverse the situation. The husband becomes Ghar Jawain, meaning moves to the wife's home and there it is the wife who will be sandwiched between the husband and her mother.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    1,519
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female

    Men are lucky their parents get taken care of anyway, also he never leaves his own home, his comfort zone , his food habits, his dressing, his culture. Noone is scrutinizing him after his work hours whether he did the cooking and all or not.
    Whereas a woman belongs nowhere, no place to call home. Neither prioritised at parents' home nor inlaws'- always a outsider . No place to call home. And no place to sit back relax. Coming home from work is like starting second shift at new job.

    What is sandwich is nothing but his privilege that both mom and wife are vying for his attention. He is the prince of the house, woman is treated like maid of the house.

    A daughter faces this situation .If her parents are seriously sick then she cannot take care of them because she has to live in inlaws' house and care for them. She is always shuttling from here to there if she manages to get inlaws' permission. Men dont have to do anything for inlaws.

    A man has to choose between mother and wife sometimes in some silly arguments - but he never has to leave his parents , a woman has to permanently leave her parents alone in old age- that choice is already made for her by society. Men are lucky to be so-called "sandwich" means they can have best of both worlds.
     
  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    405
    Likes Received:
    894
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    ‘After marriage life’ of her son is an indicator of how well she (the mother) did this ^^ job.

    After marriage, if the son feels caught in between two women and claims being sandwiched, then it sure shows that his mother’s efforts of making a man out of a child were not upto the mark.

    It is possible to make both women feel secure. It’s just that he doesn’t know how to and never attempts to figure it out because it is always easy to play neutral and proclaim to be another victim of the universal MIL-DIL friction.
     
    HariLakhera and madhat like this.
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    584
    Likes Received:
    664
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    deleted... on the reflection of "why bother"
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2021
    Mistt likes this.
  8. madhat

    madhat Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    496
    Likes Received:
    974
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    yes yes, perfectly said. This is what we women have to go through. If only every woman has this thought that she once was a DIL too, then she as a good mom would turn the situation and not repeat the situation again. But it turns out that the woman who has gone through the similar situation turns it out into a revenge system ruining the marriage life of another woman. I have seen this situation where my mil used to and still quotes how a terror her mil's, mil was and how she could never visit her place unless it was a necessary situation, and she still repeats the same situ here with me.

    Now that I have a son, I have been telling myself never to repeat what was done to me. But for my nature, the DIL I get yennaiye yeachittu poiduva. I am so naive and stupid and always realize a situation late.
    I would love to get advices from lovely ladies here on how to raise your son so that it gives him a balance between you and his wife. My son is in his late teens and still early, I get, but it is never too early to know these things.
     
    HariLakhera likes this.
  9. madhat

    madhat Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    496
    Likes Received:
    974
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I second this. Such true and wise words. I too have seen it in my life. There is the forgive and forget. WE can forgive but somethings or words we never can forget.
     
    HariLakhera likes this.
  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,165
    Likes Received:
    2,293
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    no, a man is sandwiched because his parents do not let go of him.

    that’s also why the woman is sandwiched because parents cannot let go. Although the ghat jawain scenario is rare. And women are usually let go because of the patriarchal society.
     
    HariLakhera likes this.

Share This Page