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Mil creating new set of of issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by icyspicy, May 26, 2010.

  1. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    Hi !...writing to u all after a long time ....things have been going better swince my last post...by God's grace....my mil n fil arrived this sunday morning....i thought things would be as goos as last time they had come here but things seemed a little different...she was again unhappy with me....when i went to open the door when they arrived at our home....i greeted her and her reply was...couldnt u have got up early and waited for us to come?...i was sleepy n didnt want to say anything i just went to the kitchen and made tea for them....then my husband comes and tells me go lift up their weights and help them...i did little and went bak to the kitchen...sicne then i noticed my dhs behaviour like the beginning months of marriage ...he is again giving more time to his parents ...last month he was so different he managed time btwn me and his paretns well but they had a problem with tht ...so i thin his mom must have blackmailed him aqbt sumthing so now time to time he goes to his mom and checks up on her....i dont know this sudden change in him....now his mom has a problem with me getting up at 10:30...i used to get up at the same time before also when they were here but then she dindt complain....now y?....i dont know what they want out of me...she never advises her son ...her only advise is. ...u concentrate only in ur work beta...u dont have to concentrate in other things like marriage cos tht will happen automatically.....wot kind of advise is tht...listening to her advise her son is back to basics of not spending time with me....and not thinking abt kids also now....he is going to gym so regularly even late night....he gets back tired and dosent have the strength to even look and talk to me now....i dont know for how long i can live this unstability in my marriage?i am confused!
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    1. When guests come to stay at your house, obviously your dh will give some attention to them

    2. If you want to spend time with him in the evening, ask if he could skip one night at the gym to watch a movie with you or go for a walk or out to the mall etc.

    3. If your mil's comments bother you, ignore them.

    4. If she complains about 10:30 wakeup time, gently remind her that is the time you got up last time they were here too

    5. Why in the world are you even mentioning kids???? I shudder (yes, literally shake and rattle my brain) to imagine you and your dh procreating and causing a little life to suffer through the craziness that goes on in your marriage. Children shouldn't be raising children. How about when you and your dh grow up and get matured, then you start thinking of having kids. One side you describe your marriage with the word, INSTABILITY, on the other side you mention having kids. What is this world coming to??

    6. I feel my time has been wasted responding, since we never hear back from you and you never take our advice.

    7. One question (which I know will go unanswered).... have you ever considered the possibility that you drive your husband nuts and that's why he doesn't want to spend time with you? You keep blaming your mil for it, but I think you need to take a look at the IcySpicy in the mirror.
     
  3. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Not to side with your ILs, but... waking up at 10:30am when you have guests at home is rude. It might be ok if you are a kid, but you are a married woman. I am not saying you have to give up your sleep for them.... everyone needs a good night sleep, which in general is 8 hours.... so how about changing the timings. What time do you go to bed at night?? Try going to bed at 10:30PM, or atleast 11PM. That way your body clock will wake you up in say 8 hours, and you will be up by 7AM. That will make your ILs happy and you will have your sleep too.

    I have read your previous posts too. PLEASE don't think of kids in this situation. JMO.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2010
  4. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl LOL

    I thought the exact same thing.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I thought the same thing Sita :iagree, but then I thought it is already so hard for Icy to change her ways, suggesting this new additional change would send her over the edge. Already she is driving everyone in the house nuts, if she has to wake up at 7:00am who knows what might happen. :hide:

    I think more than seeing Icy wake up on time, her husband and inlaws would appreciate her acting a little bit more mature and pleasent. If those two things can happen, that'd be real progress. Then maybe, someday, possibly, she might realize waking up at normal time to take care of guests isn't so hard. One thing at a time. Baby steps...
     
  6. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Isn't it NORMAL for ANY guest (whose visit is long planned and intimated to the host) to expect that the host (in this case - Icy) should be in a cheering mood (and not sleeping) and waiting for them when they arrive?

    Icy, have you ever tried looking at things from your in-laws' perspective???

    ~S.
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Icy

    You are so lucky to have such a wonderful in laws and DH. I think their patient level is just tooooo much than others to bear Icy's childish behaviour all the time.

    Having said that, Do you think it is ok to wake up at 10.30am when you know your in laws would come anytime soon? Isn't it good to wake up early at least on that particular day to have a pleasant and neat home to welcome them, their favourite brak fast is ready to eat, bathrooms are cleaned etc..etc..?

    What's wrong if your DH spends some times with his parents when they are visiting you? Isn't it bad if he locks the room and continues to have a chit-chat with his wify, while his parents are all alone in the couch, having no one to talk to in that place.

    Finally why do you want a kid at this moment? I think you need at least 5 people to take care of your self... at this stage how can you take care of a kid??????????
     
  8. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    ICY, it is high time you work on yourself first. DO NOT BLAME YOUR MIL FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS AROUND YOU. My few cents (probably my last post her unless you respond to our Ilites here..

    1. When you know In-laws are arriving at this date and time, you better wake up before the door bell wakes you up. how difficult can that be?? Do you expect they arrive home and wait for you to make breakfast at your slow pace or make breakfast themselves and serve it to you?? even if they are staying with you permanently and it is not knew for them, still THEY have travelled! I stay at my inlaws, my in-laws expect that I cook some food for them if they are arriving from out of town trip and that is completely NORMAL.

    2. Imagine you had waken up early (atleast 8am), freshened up yourself, cooked some food for all of you, cleaned up the house and be ready to recieve them on arrival - all this without your DH asking you to do.. you could easily see your DH give a smile out of happiness that you are taken effort in running your own house.. this is something any women does every other day ICY. not a big deal at all.. If you do this one day, I can imagine you cribbing 'I am doing so much for the family, what more fo they expect??!' you are already saying that without doing ANYTHING AT ALL!

    3. you wake up at 10:30am???? wow, that gutsy girl! Remember, after 20 yrs, if my future DIL were to sleep till 10:30am everyday (unless she is sick/ had a sleepless night/ has an infant), I am not going to like it. Period. Just because you slept till 10:30 am everyday when they were here earlier and they didnt complain, doest mean you are right. In my view, they have been nice to you, they have waited patiently for you to know that it doesnt look nice to wake up sooo late and now they are FED UP!

    4. Many Ilites (including me) have said to you before - spend a little time with MIL.. just you and her. Do not think she is your MIL , imagine living with your aunt (not the one who will let you sleep till 10:30am), be friendly to her, take care of her, go shopping with her, with your closeness she should forget wanting to be close to your DH, spend more time chatting with her while your DH is around, that way she will talk more to you than to your DH (in private). This is a tested formula - has worked with me and heard works with most MILs like yours.

    5. Your MIL is NOT at all a tough lady.. she says 'beta concentrate on your work.. blah blah'.. Yes, she is right. when you do not bother to wake up earlier than 10am, you do not take a wee bit of effort to change yourself so you accomodate well in your married life, why should your husband be bothered at all? he is better off concentrating on his work life rather than rack his head over his marriage with you.

    I somehow feel you do not read all that we write, still I wrote this inspite of not wanting to spend time on IL today due to work. I do not know if you value our time and efforts, atleast value your married life. You do have a nice DH and in-laws. I REPEAT, they are not at all bad, you just have to put in some effort to change for them and you will see them automatically change a little bit FOR YOU.
     
  9. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Looks like a rerun of the previous icy threads & responses. I am so tempted to copy paste the urls of those responses to save time. :coffee
    And this is to all patient souls :bowdown especially ASG.
    I cannot help but think that Icy has no inclination/awareness to change.

    It reminds me of my roomie in college. She would come up with a problem (ie, something that she thinks is a problem) every day. She used to pick up fights, get offended easily, never think beyond her own self, dwelled in self pity, was slowly turning into a masachist..The entire wing (10+ girls) tried our best to get her out of her deteriorating condition. Her mom took special permission and stayed with her in the room for one whole month during sem finals. Nothing helped. Girl was in fantasy. No idea of her diagnosis.. probably depression/anger issues/complex whatever.

    I am not implying that our icy has any but the one common thing I can spot is "she has her mouth open but not her ears and heart."

    I am resigning from this thread with all due to respect to fellow posters and warm regards to Icy. :hiya
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2010
  10. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear,

    I dont want to say anything more. Our friends have explained it clearly.
    Tell me something will you do the same thing when your parents are arriving? I am sure you will be ready and open the door much before they ring the bell. You need not think MIL is next to GOD, but just remember she is senior to you and deserve some special treatment. Dont think you have to fall on her feet for everything but just treat her as how you treat your collegues in office/friends. Things will work,have a open mind. As mstrue said open your ears.
     

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