MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH

Manavi,

You are bringing up different things into picture.
It's very common in most of the houses,where husband uneasy with wife when his parents present but that will go away with time and he gets more used to you in the future.
Our indian system,should start dating process may be that will ease this kind of situation,LOL.
The second situation where they are not caring also very common situation and you don't have to worry about it and just IGNORE and lead a happy life without worrying much about your MIL.
If you have to take to her just talk to her formally without much expecations.All these problems comes into picture,only if you have expecations in mind.Once you take out from your mind,then you are no way going to worry about them and how they treat you and your husband need sometime to balance between both of you and the times will teach him .Until then have patience and enjoy the life.

 

Manavi,

Firstly, lemme tell you, I agree with you that your MIL's behavior is ridiculous, mother or not, an elderly woman should know her limits.

That being said, I see no harm in your H's behavior of avoiding to be lovey-dovey in front of them. Do you have to show off to your ILs that you and your H are so lovey-dovey? You know within your heart what kind of rel'ship you share with your H, right?

I totally understand such behavior, because, I myself feel that way. When my ILs visited us, I wouldn't even sit with my DH or hold his hand or take our picture together when we all went out. Infact, I kept sticking to my MIL, talking and walking with her, taking pictures with her while giving my DH a chance to bond with FIL (DH's father). You see, I didn't feel the need to show off what a wonderful rel'ship I share with their son... I wanted to reassure them that I am no threat and also wanted to really bond with them. And it worked.

And... usually when we are alone, both DH and I make decisions, sometimes its just me... but when ILs were around, I insisted that he take charge while I kept a low profile. ILs might see it as me being under DH's control, but doesn't matter to me, I know the reality.

(P.S. my DH is NOT afraid of his parents, he can say NO to their face, but it is me who insists that he be extra nice to them when they visit, even if it means ignoring me for a while)

So a different perspective will give a whole new meaning to the same scenario. Think about it.

 

@ Sita, I didnt understand your explanation but I am glad that it worked for you.
I dont think Manavi was trying to showoff her good relationship with her DH (like you put it). In fact, far from it. What she is trying to deal with it is that fact that her DH tries to show off that he is in 100% control.

You didnt feel the need to prove anything to anyone because your DH was considerate enough to respect you infront of his parents. In Manavi's case, its other way round.

 

Would not even sit with him? or hold hand or take a pic together??

Personally, I do not understand that (as to why one has to cut all of that out). Would that cause the ILs to feel bad? If so, its their problem.

But like Rakhii says, I'm glad to hear that works for you.

 

What I mean is, me maintaining a low profile for a small period of time went a long way in reassuring my ILs that I am no threat. Say if I had demanded the same kind of attention and importance that I get from DH when we are alone, then maybe it would have put my DH under pressure and also would not have helped in me bonding with my ILs.

Yes, I agree that might have made it easy for me.

Well, in the first few days of their visit, they made it clear that they didn't like it when DH was lovey-dovey with me... and to me, its important to bond with my ILs and since I have a wonderful rel'ship with my DH, I could afford to let it take a back seat for a while, while I bonded with my ILs. I believe its ok to forgo certain small things when we look at the big picture.

I wouldn't say this will work for everyone, esp women who have momma's boys as Hs, but since Manavi's H otherwise treats her like a queen, maybe she could turn a blind eye to smaller things looking at the big picture. Although I agree her MIL's wierd behavior is not a small issue and is something that needs to be looked into.