MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH

Re: MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH - Need advise

They are very stubborn people and have lot of attitude and want to show we dont care about you....
Please advise....
Why don't you show you don't care too.
I know it hurts when people that too IL's are not giving the basic recogniton to you and your family. Best thing to do is to act like you didnot even notice it. If you talk to H. He won't do anything about it. Think about it who will say that their parents or his family is wrong when it is not pinching him. He can never put himself in your shoes and understand. So forget talking to H it will only cause disharmony in your marriage.
You have to deal with this tactfully.
Sofar you have been calling every week and talking right. Now give it a miss for a week and see what happens. If they complain to H just say "oh i completely forgot " and give some reason like work, house work or something call the following week don't apologize or bring the subject.
The point is to show that you are not displeased by them ignoring you. At the same time you give them a royal ignore now and then.
Coming to MIL acting lovey dovey with H - give that a royal ignore too.
Infact next time you are all together maybe infront of others you should say " oh mummyji here please sit next to H, you might have been missing him alot from your last visit"
Let the others raise their eyebrows for their behavior.
Also, tell your mom not to worry if they don't call or visit. This is better than always talking and people like them will create more stress if they are talking and visiting regularly. Just let your mom call for special occasions like she has been doing.
So the mantra is ignore, don't jump through hoops, and don't confront.

 

Can somebody please explain me what is wrong in being momma's boy if the wife is given equal rights? And why is being momma's boy being so bad... Some time back I saw on facebook, following post by so many girls and I wonder why being momma's boy is so bad.
"Every girl may not be a queen to her husband but will always be a princess to her dad, which is why they say a Girl's Dad will always be 'The Man' in her life forever. keep this as your status if you are your dad's princess...love you Dad !

And infact girls are proud to be called daddy's girl but for a guy it is frowned upon.

I am sorry lady.. I don't get you. Are you their parents or are they your parents? Who should be calling who? Even if they don't call you EVER.... don't they have right as a parent to get a call from you? And you are making an issue of them calling their son and on his mobile phone.

Your ILs talk nicely to your parents when they call so why are you making a big deal of why ILs are not calling. Maybe its not in their nature. Maybe they are introvert kind of guys.

I am sorry ma'am, I do not understand that when no one is creating problems for you then why are you creating problems for yourself by pin-pointing over small small things. What issssss your real problem?

Who is wife to tell a man how he should behave with his mother!!!. And this is childish/immature? You are right men don't and won't understand this possessiveness of women. Atleast I wont. Rather I have given up on understanding women. Women are strange.. :crazy
God bless my (future) wife...

-AJ
PS: OP, I don't want to offend you or anything. I just wish that before pointing out your ILs or your hubby's mistake, please see within yourself if you are actually the source of the problem and if you can bring out a change in yourself.

 

Hi boss,

Which men on earth has ever understood a woman’s feeling??? Its the creator’s mistake…so no point in blaming u.

May be u will understand If ur wifez gonna be her daddyz girl and neglects/ignores u, u will post in any stag site( btw, do we have a branch site Indusgentlemen.com???). :LOL:

I now itself feel pity for ur wud be wife. If u r gonna be a mommaz boy even after marriage and u r bold enuf to introduce her to us, am damn sure, we will get a similar post from her.

Ok….getting back to u manavi,

U had (since I was not in this site in June 2010) two options.

One to be a desi girl totally (only when ur MIL is with u in States) doing pooja, burning bathis, hair-washing on Fridays, making kolams in ur pooja room, reciting slokas, u cud have made ur MIL fall in ur DH/FILs eyes. U shud have ignored them both and enjoyed ur presence on earth by going out alone, partying or meeting friends.

Otherwise, u cud have worn shorts, minis, trunk tops, sleeve less etc and made ur MIL jealous since she cant expose to that extent that too in ur FIL’s presence (if shez really a conservative woman) and also for the reason of her aged skin.

No problem, leave it. Wen u come to India bring a pic of ur DH with MIL in Western wear, enlarged and framed decoratively. Gift it (openly) to her on occasion like family get-together saying that u cud not take ur eyes out of that pic at all. So tht u can wear jeans an capris when u come here.

Don’t worry abt ur post-pregnency now itself. Cross the bridge when it comes. Worrying now itself will only affect ur planning.

Reg phone calls : JUZ IGNORE…. U dont call them. If ur hubby says that ur MIL enquired abt u, u too convey ur pranams thru him. U don’t call them. Doesn’t matter if they don’t call ur parents. Ask ur mamma & papa to be in peace.

Past is past…don’t cling on to it……..pretend as tho u thot nothing abt ur MIL and be intimate with ur hubby…by wearing wat he likes, cooking his fav dish (the most effective way) doing what he likes…….don’t nag him if he bluntly refuses ur intimacy…be slow but steady.

like ladies here advised me to be non-confrontational and polite…I advise u the same.

Keep smiling…for this too will pass.

 

I dont mean to offend you but I was laughing at the antics your MIL displayed when she was here... .I think she is obsessed with you and your looks and wants to hear "Oh you are looking so good in this outfit at this age ,even more than young ppl in their 20s " and so she tried so desperately hard .In her own mind she would have thought that the only thing a mother cant give which a wife can give is physical initmacy so in her own way she was trying to tell her son 'No you dont need that either'...and she is being extremely optimistic if she thinks that she could have won ..A wife also gives his children to her husband apart from hundreds of ther things ..What is she gonna do with that????
I would suggest the same ignore therapy...tell her its not worth running because you arent racing with her for the trophy (read your DH) and I would say if you really want to even out with her make her more desperate and outdo all the stupidities she has done so far ..She is completely capable of royally embarassing herself and others by her own behaviour ,you dont need to do anything

 

:rotfl:rotfl wow! thats great! you should be proud of yourself. you might have a great choice and she loves you so much.

 

Re: MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH - Pls advise !

Check this post
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/r...928-mil-dh-too-close-comfort.html#post1537874

I dont mean to hurt anyone, but are we being way too judgemental about a mother-son relationship... She is his mother after all!!! Every mom-son relationship is different, she may be possessive, she may be seeking attention... but it is only for 3 months.... is it so wrong??????? You could just live with it and laugh it off!!!!!

 

Hi Manavi,

Don't mean to trivialize how you feel, but look at the funny side of the whole story.:biglaugh Here is your mil trying her damndest to compete with you. Have you heard it said that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"?:idea Think about it!

You say your mil is 51 years old. That in itself does not make her very old. (I myself am 48 and do not feel old - except when my body protests against some of my efforts!!!!!):crazy But jokes apart - there are many aspects to be considered.

1. [JUSTIFY]You say that she does not allow you to wear western clothes when you visit her in India, but has started to wear them herself in the US. Where does she live in India? Has she lived in an urban setting or in a rather conservative city? Has she visited the US in the past? If so, was that before you got married? If so, did she wear western clothes then? If this is her first visit to the US, one can give her the benefit of the doubt, that not having felt free enough to wear such clothes in India, she has taken the opportunity of trying them out there. If so, then is it so out of order for her to seek her son's approval just so she feels more confident? If she has visited the US before and worn western clothes, then her doing so now is nothing unusual.[/JUSTIFY]

2. [JUSTIFY]Did she behave the same way when you lived with her in India? If not, I would imagine that she misses her son and is trying to make up for lost time during her visit.[/JUSTIFY]

3. [JUSTIFY]How did she treat you when she was visiting? Did you exist for her then or were you non-existent? Did she behave the way she did only to irritate you or was that just the way she behaves with all family members?[/JUSTIFY]

I certainly am not saying that your annoyance is unjustified. I believe that only the person on the spot can really know the exact situation, and even so there will always be an element of subjectivity. That is why I am asking you all the above questions - answer them for yourself and see if there could be any other interpretation to your observations. If you still feel that her behaviour was inappropriate, then just think - she is a 51 year old who has a desire to try out something which was either not allowed her when she was younger, or she did not dare to try out in her surroundings. She probably sees this as her opportunity. This would be the more charitable interpretation. If you do not feel that way , then maybe she is just jealous of you as a person with whom she now has to share her son's affections and is trying desperately trying to compete. For obvious reasons, she cannot do that with any degree of success, :coffee but in her own right as an individual, she can certainly wear what she wants and deck herself up as she wants. I am sure she would not look any better than any other 51 year old in the US who dresses similarly.

Besides you can now use this to your own advantage. She can certainly not object to your dressing as you want when you go to India. If she does, just show her a photograph of herself and tell her how good she looks in western clothes. For good measure, you could even do this in front of other friends and relatives.:thumbsup

I would also suggest, that now that she is out of the way, do not bother about how the situation will be when you get back to India. Cross that bridge when you come to it. As for your ILs not calling and talking to you or to your parents, ignore. Neither you nor your parents need to pay your obeisance :bowdown to them. They are not Gods. If they call and talk to you, fine talk nicely. If they don't, it is their loss. They will be losing out on a good relationship with a dil.

I hope this helps you to rethink the issue objectively and feel better. For now enjoy yourself. You are rid of your ILs for the time being.

:cheers
Swati

 

Re: MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH - Pls advise !

Harini,

I looked into this post and understood what you were trying to say in your thread.

From my point-of-view, the MIL should grow up and stop trying to be possessive or seeking attention from her son, especially after the son is married. I am not saying it is wrong but inappropriate and she might end up causing friction between her son and DIL.

If the son is newly married, it is natural for her DIL to be irked by such behavior. The DIL might be feeling possessive about her husband and NOT that the MIL is having weird ideas about her son.

For the DIL, it will give her peace of mind if she thinks that the MIL is just seeking attention and not competing with her. Also it is for a very short duration.

-Lakshmi

 

Hi manavi,

I read you post now and it made me laugh so hard. My MIL is somewhat similar like she buys same kind of sari color and designs. But I can totally understand her. J

Anyway..... Let your MIL wear what she wants. Poor thing! You know 51 is not really that bad. I don’t think any women in their 50’s will consider 51 as an old age. To name a few actress from Hollywood, Demi moore, sjp, Sandra bullock all these ladies hitting 50 are still in their fashion prime. Lot of these women and others will be offended if you say that way. So Let her enjoy her life.…. and you enjoy your’s. :cheers

Regarding your main problem, Try to Be friendly and take her to a mall someday. let her buy whatever she wants. simultaneously, you dress up in your jeans as long she stays. Next time when you go to india wear your western outfits without any fear. because she has already broken her own rules that entitles you to do whatever you want. If at all she questions you then you can answer in a friendly way that she( i.e. your MIL) has always been wearing jeans so what's wrong in you wearing it?<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" oreferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"> :thumbsup<v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><vath o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></vath><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype>

For some reason, I am99 percent sure once she returns to india she will be wearing the same pair of jeans for a month. I have seen this syndrome in lot of people who return from abroad. :biglaugh

It shouldn’t be a problem As long as your H is decent enough when she barges into your room while he comes back from shower. I don't see any problem in cuddling. But men/boys usually don't like mother's cuddling once they hit puberty. It comes naturally to them as they start feeling shy (my experience from cousin bros). But at least She could have asked you to work from home too. Anyway when your parents turn up, you stay at home and work. <v:shape style="WIDTH: 18.75pt; HEIGHT: 13.5pt" id=_x0000_i1026 alt="0" type="#_x0000_t75"> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:/DOCUME~1/RDG/LOCALS~1/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>:thumbsup