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MIL competing with me in looks in front of DH

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Manavi, Jun 22, 2010.

  1. Manavi

    Manavi New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I need advice from you all.
    My MIL has been like this right from my marriage. But since we were here in US,she could not do much. Now they are here for 3 months and everything has started from day one. In fact from the airport, she has been competing with me.
    She is a 51 yr old lady. I dont have issues with her wearing jeans n stuff. But I hate her double standards..After my marriage, I was not allowed to wear jeans till I was in India...Now she has got jeans/tops/short tops/slips/capris without even telling me...she came and opened the bag and showed me...
    She has got all beauty stuff and keeps asking my DH what should I wear today. She keeps asking me about my clothes and wants to buy the same..She will ask for my compact/nail filer even nail polish...
    She does not bother abt poor FIL and keep talking to DH....
    Always calls DH with some silly reason...wants to sit next to DH on cuddler while I am cooking......
    She wants DH to work from home while I am at work....
    The worst part is my DH doesnt feel anything wrong in this...in fact he sometimes ignores me completely and walks hand in hand with MIL while we are on walks....
    I am feeling left out and not feeling too good abt this....
    Please friends....next help....

    She also wants to enter our bedroom when DH is in shower and I am on my way to kitchen...I dont know whats wrong with her...
    Is this behaviour normal ?

    Please suggest.

    Cheers,
    Manavi.
     
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  2. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    Manavi,
    i'm sorry about ur situation. not sure what to say about her behaviour but i wanted to say one thing about the jeans stuff. She must have felt awkward to wear jeans or let you wear jeans in front of her neighbors, relatives, etc. But after coming here, there is no one that knows her closely and she likes to enjoy all that. I never wear jeans or anything that is not a salwar/chudi not even saree in my hometown.
    Does she restrict you in what you wear here?
    Jokingly tell your FIL in front of everyone that he is not getting any attention from MIL.
     
  3. sonalst

    sonalst New IL'ite

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    Try out some reverse psychology here. Start wearing Indian dresses at home as much as possible esp sarees. Avoid using make-up as much as possible. Handover your nail polish bottles, and other makeup items (except for any costly perfume bottles that you can hide away) to your MIL in front of your FIL and say that you don't need them and she can use them. If asked for the reason, say that you would like to be more Indian.

    Spend more time with your other house work than with your DH. I know, this maybe a little tough, but your hubby should start realizing that his mother spends more time with him than his wife. And start asking opinions from your FIL as well. Buy some small items like bangles, bindi, slippers etc over a period of time, show them to your hubby asking him about his opinion about them, "See, isn't this beautiful ?". "Yes". "I thought you would like it, FIL liked it as well".

    And next time MIL barges into your bedroom, speak up, "Mummyji, do you want something ?". "Err, No". Walk to FIL and say, "I think Mummyji wants something from our bedroom but is hesitant to tell me about it, could you please ask her what she wants ?"

    Small, subtle, polite yet to the point changes in your fashion sense and attitude will drive the point across to your MIL. And even if they do not change her, perhaps your FIL will realize this well enough to state someday, "Enough of your American style, look at our DIL, she stays here but is still so much Indian".
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2010
  4. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Manavi,i can't help laughing at this post.Iam sorry.All I can say is you are not alone Manavi.
    My MIL wants to sleep next to her son sometimes(gives me a break u see).Hubs walks very fast and my MIL will literally run behind him like a heroine to catch up with him.FIL and myself will lag behind.
    My husband likes this gesture from his mom as he feels very loved.
    She wants the same handbag/shoes that I wear.Even if I buy them in different color she will not like it.She said why cant you give your bag thats what I liked and appear hurt.
    Iam so scared to buy any sarees for my mom because she will say I bought a better saree/colour for her.I haven't bought a single saree so far for my mom just fearing this.
    She typically copies everything from me
    She wears hair like me,same hair accessories,same nail colour,same perfume.
    Iam taking these habits lightly nowadays and I dont buy her anything she can take her son for shopping.I have bigger problems from her that I need to worry so these habits of hers are my stress busters sometimes.
     
  5. 1janavi

    1janavi Bronze IL'ite

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    sonalyst I enjoyed your post.I had gone through similar thoughts to prove MIL wrong but dropped it feeling petty.I have asked my MIL when she barged into our bedroom if she wanted anything.She would say "nothing ma and have a tone like she is going to cry".Most of the time she expects me to ask "what ma?" so that she can start an already planned conversation.So what will happen if this plan backfires for Manali?:rotfl
     
  6. seemalv

    seemalv New IL'ite

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    Why don't you use the same trick? start showing off in front of your FIL and make her jealous..get it to the point where your FIL has to start giving good comments about you in front of her. I think she will really change once she starts recognizing that you are "stealing" her hubby in front of her. Also why don't you have a hubby to wife talk with your DH? Maybe when he is at work, ask him to go out for lunch without her knowing it and explain stuff to him?
     
  7. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Manavi,
    I can't stop laughing. Really!!!!! UGHHHH..........!!!How come 51 years old lady is so active in makeups and fashionable stuff. IMo, Let her do na, you simply watch and enjoy! That Old lady can't come to her twenties right, let her enjoy US culture during her old days. No doubt, she just wants to prove something to your husband as she looks more beautiful than you in those clothes and makeup??? In contrast, try to look like a desi girl for sometime just wearing indianized dresses without any makeups. See her discomfort after that, very soon your DH and FIL will realize this fact and will warn your MIL to stop wearing nonsense stuff.

    No doubt, he is a Poor FIL. No suggestions here, rather just watch and enjoy this kinda stuff. May be she just wants to be like this back in India after returning from US.
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I read it as a typical competetive FEMALE behaviour which reached its extreme with the feel of "I'm loosing attention of my son"......... SON's liking his wife for X,Y,Z reasons... and am better anyday :rotfl...

    Frankly speaking when one is @51....... there's no comparison with someone in 20s in LOOKS cos there are a lot of wrinkles and flabs here n there... also she's trying to enjoy a few ways of dressing which she missed on......... she's just trying to match up walking next to you.. take it this way it shall be easier............

    I would say try to enjoy with her stuff and openly share anything you have and team up with your FIL for outing and talking if he's interactive types... no point in wasting energy on contending for the same resource.. ur DH and her son :bonk.............
     
  9. ng2010

    ng2010 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Same problems here, also i tried the FIL and DH pleasing tricks but that backfired in my case like my dear MIL I am flirting with both my FIL and DH..... God save me from such rude words....

    When my FIL tells i have cooked well or my DH buys me something gone with the wind type of fights happen in my home (FYI) just 1 and half months since my marriage, But i feel bit relaxed that this is everyones house story and getting rid of the illusion that i am having the biggest problem in this earth and trying to learn from others experience here, Thanks a lot , i am newbie in this forum....
     
  10. shilpapriya

    shilpapriya New IL'ite

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    me tooo facing the same problem.
    Purchasing same color sarees, , chappals, jwellery ,God i'm fed up...
    Sonalyst ideas are extremely good.

    Will try them.
     

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