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Mil Coming To The Us Is A Blessing Or Going To Be A Curse?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Jan 27, 2017.

  1. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    It depends on the location.If I were in India I would have left him with grand mom and father but in US I trust on good daycare center.I saw one of my friend here.she had to travel for work for a couple of months.she left the kid with dad and dad arranged a day care from 8-6.kid loved going there.they only provided healthy food to kids .after 6 kid was with dad.they did very well but the mother was unable live without kid.she came back.
    My vote would be for day care if it is US.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I have been in your situation several times before, and i know it is not easy. It needs tons of planning beforehand.

    My MIL is no different from yours, except the fact that she invests almost all her time and energy inside the kitchen to cook home made healthy food to feed her son and grand kids, by neglecting the safety and sanity of the kids. Toddlers need extra attention.
    If it is for a short time, I wouldn't bother much about the fresh home made food. For me, as long as their tummy is full, it is fine. All that matters the most is their safety and emotional sanity at the end of the day, since they would be badly missing mom.
    So, a little less disciplining with more pampering, plus some special meals would be okay.
    You can always amend everything once you gain control at home front. But for now, it is utmost important to focus on your career in the new place.

    If I were you, I would try my best to keep the kids with me. But that needs loads of support system. Unless a reliable nanny or day care plus a family member to help, I wouldn't tag the kid along to a new place, that too when I am required to focus on my career a bit more.
    So, leave the kid at his home with his dad and grandma.
    Unless the grandma is unloving or someone who could spoil the kid's mind by talking against mom etc.. I wouldn't worry much about her practices.

    Keep a nanny or send the kid to day care as you are currently doing. So that grandma could relax a bit from this active toddler.
    Make your hubby the primary responsibility and do all the talking with him regarding the kiddo.
    Alert him once in a while, else he would relaxly let the child be his mom's responsibility.

    When you are done with the office chores, make sure you speak a lot with the kiddo and his nanny in detail. Let MIL be the supervisor and a replaced mother figure to your child.

    Keep an eye on your kid's weight, behavior, sleeping pattern etc...and do needful amendments if necessary.

    Other than this, forget about the mom and son or daughter combo at your absence and the nonsense that comes along. Face it as it come. But for now, your kid should be your first priority.
     
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  3. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    @blindpup10
    Did u decide your best options yet?

    If yes that's great. But I would say there are still 3 more months to go until you move. So try to be flexible in your options. You might have to leave one option/ bend another one/ just decide on a completely new option.

    Here is what I think-
    4 months is a relatively short time. Is there going to be an possible extension after 4months? Will you or DH be able to travel frequently on weekends or long weekends during that time? What after 4 months or when MIL decides to go back either early or after 4 months? Whatever option you decide, what will be a contingent plan if it doesn't work out in those 4 months given the often unpredictable nature of in laws?

    If you anyway have to find a longer term option, why not consider an option which will be best suited for both kid and the family? Agree, initial settling up time will be hard on everyone but the sooner you start the long term change, the better it will be for all. You can do it, it will need some time and a lot of patience. You have lived on your own when you came here for studies. This is just next step with added responsibility and a good amount of ambiguity. But always trust your instincts in the face of confusion or worries.

    I am hinting on finding a suitable at home nanny/ full day care and possibility of bringing a help ( someone in family who you trust)from india at a new place at least for initia period of a month or two until you settle down. Kid will get to be with you, you will be comparatively less worried about him and MILs drama. he will start adjusting to the day care system even when you decide to move back after 4 months and join some other work locally, and most importantly MIL and DH will start respecting your confidence and ability to take charge. MIL will not have reason to emotionally outweigh you if there is a demand for that in future.

    If I am right about your mil, leaving her with DH is a big no no. Not to scare you but the Potential damages MILs create between us and spouses might take months to repair and sometimes they do not even get repaired. All in all, the troubles they create inadvertently affect peace, career, health and general well being within your marriage.

    Give yourself a breather from potential worries and try to talk with other moms who have been in similar situation in the past beyond this forum as well.
    Everyone of us will give our opinion to the best of our understanding. But you will have to trust your instincts on what to do. And even when you go for any one option, be tremendously flexible to accommodate any changes.

    Hope my response has given you one more angle to look at.
     
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  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @blessings1010- thanks for your perspective. You are right.I should have plan B and C ready just in case things dont fall through.

    My MIL is one such kind where she will help and then talk or feel guilty how she did so much for DIL and not to daughter. Its kinda hurtful to hear such things later on. My DH too doesn't really want to engage with his mom for the same reason. And If I am ok with her coming then I am forced to gulp down everything she does. Therefore this dilemma.

    I am looking for similar kind of opportunity where I live. So, even if she comes, she won't be left alone to rule the house.

    @SGBV- thanks for your suggestion. I know I need to forget about what my MIL will get out of helping me and my child. As we dont live with MIL. There is detachment in MIL/DIL relationship. I have spent maybe 1-month maximum with her in our marriage of 3 years. So, I hardly know her.

    Based on things she did in her last visit and drama she created did shed some light. But Idk if she loves my kid. I want her to love my kid-- I think she is very duty conscious in caring for my SIL's kid than mine.





    I will update once again if things change later on. But for right now-- I am looking for similar opportunities closer to where I live. Which will keep my family together
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
  5. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    I hope and pray that you get similar or better opportunity nearby your home. If it calls for a little trade off, do consider it positively. Coming back to work gets easier if you get all the help possible.

    Good luck!!
     

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