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MIL and her Blind Faith in Astrolgers

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by tuliplady, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    I posted this elsewhere, but did not know that situation would change so much in pasr 24 hours. Today, for the first time,I am writing with tears in my eyes.

    This is the situation, Me and my dh have been married for 2 years and known each other for 2 years before marriage. I have never had any major issues with ILs so far. My MIL is a nice lady, speaks well to me and my family. But there is a certain thing about her, she is extremely orthodox.She does not let me wear black clothes, is scared always that something evil might happen to the family and is always involved in doing some pooja or other.

    She has been wanting us to have children immediately after marriage,despite knowing that I was a student then and both me and dh lived in different cities in US. She kept pestering me until my dh put his foot firmly down. So few months back, she sends this book through a friend of my dh which has some 25-30 pages of shloks and religious scripts for me to read.Upon asking, she mentioned that she showed our horsocope to an astrologer and the astrologer said that me and my dh will have issues in conceving. So she is very scared and wants me to read the book everyday.

    This thing did not assume huge proportion until last night. Now both me and dh are ttc beginning this month. I did my first ever pregnancy test yesterday and it came out negative. I dont know what happened to me, but I asked my dh to bring that book so I can start reading it, since I was scared that what she said must indeed be true.

    The first page of book said something like this "All women who want a boy should read this book and chant the prayers. This prayer is very effective for women who are vanjh (in marathi), which means a "woman who is unable to bear children". I was shocked on readin that, especially due to the fact that I did not want to be labelled as something that I am not. It was a conscious decision to not have children and not because i am unable to.

    My dh simply asked me to not read that book and further told me that 'Why do you want to listen to strangers. Just ignore her". I was aghast at that statement and got pissed that he thinks that I consider his mom as a stranger. we had our first biggest fight ever, in 4 years that we have been together. I do like my MIL, but I did not appreciate this whole thing that she did and I cant just get it out of my mind. I dont believe in astrology and charts, but this time I got influenced.
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    I dont want us to fight coz of these things that my MIL does.

    I need some advise on how to tackle situations like this..!
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i know what it means
    but i should tell you this
    even before i started ttc as soon as the thought came i was listening to grabharakshambiga and some other verses
    heading says its to beget children for people who dont have..or have been trying hard to get one it doesnt mean who cant concive
    may be your mil really wants a grand baby for her but i knwo she is imposing her decision on you but keep your cool you and dh know the fact
    astrology and horoscope matters but not in everyway
    dont fight for simple things and ruien you happiness dear
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    tuliplady,

    That generation women, getting married at early age and having more and more children and bearing in-laws and every one at home. I think they would have done everything with some kind of belief on something otherwise it would leave them in extremely stressed. I think because of the stress and everything that generation women would spend more time religiously to get strength to run the family.

    So here we can't change your MIL behavior.

    Again for women pregnancy is and young children are tremendous stress.
    Before my children, I never scared of anything. Even in India, I would never scare to travel in night alone. But after children, I have become very sensitive and worried time to time just because my children are small.

    So pregnancy is real stress especially on you compared to your husband.

    Suppose if you able to get pregnant with out any issue then it's well and good but suppose if it takes more time then it will leave in more worry.

    What about other pages? Are they just slokas? Leave the stuff which written in first page. if they are just slokas then read it to have peace of mind .Otherwise eventually you will end up in more stress by not reading that book.

    I know these things will influence even though you are not indent to do it.

    Coming to your fight, I think you would have taken your husband word seriously just because you might be under stress. Your husband might have said without much intension. So don’t take it very seriously. You don’t have to prove anything to your husband because you know what you are.

    Anyhow, if they are just slokas then read the book and it will give some peace of mind especially in your situation.

    But only my concern,you don't know what other things on the way though.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe your husband just meant that it doesn't make sense to listen to a third, outsider party when it comes to something so personal as planning a pregnancy. And, HE'S RIGHT. When it comes to baby making that should be between you and your dh... anybody else IS a stranger in that regard. You made a big issue out of his OPINION, which wasn't fair on your part. Probably he didn't like what his mom did either, same as you. And when he tried to support you, you got mad. :idontgetit:

    Horoscopes are a farce to get people's money and give superstitious people some hope that they have control over their lives. Think about this... even a broken clock is right twice a day. So sometimes astrologers will be right, and other times they'll be wrong. But either way, it doesn't mean they have future predicting abilities. If you are having some fear of being infertile or whatever, go to a doctor and get your fears put to rest.
     
  5. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ASG, I agree with your point of view. And at that time, it did not make any sense to me, perhaps, my brain was too preoccupied to actually make sense of what my dh was trying to say. The tone and the way he uttered this made me think otherwise. But I totally get you and wont sulk over it anymore :)

    I got myself checked few months back and the gynaec said everything was normal with me, so I dont think I am infertile.
     
  6. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,




    So true! My dh even said that he just cant relate to what I might be going through and then said that its probably a woman thing to be so sensitive about such things. My only argument was that, even if there was something my MIL found out, she could have told this to my dh instead of me. If I were in her place, I dont think I would scare my DIL like that by telling her that she is going to have issues. She could hve just said that read this book for your benefit and I would have gladly read, she could have totally avoided the astrologer thing.
    I could read those shlokas, but they are in sanskrit. And I dont know to read sanskrit..it would probably take me a good 3-4 hours to get through that entire book everyday:hide:
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tulip, lots of women from the older generation have no understanding of science or how reproduction works. I remember when the eclipse happened last year, news reports were that some orthodox pregnant women in India went hiding inside because they feared the 'moon dragon' would kill their baby in the womb. :bonk So just because somebody else works themselves up into a superstitious frenzy, don't let it affect YOU. Follow your doctor's orders, eat well, exercise, think positive, pray to God... probably you will become pregnant in due time, just a matter of waiting. Good luck! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    tuliplady,

    Don't expect your MIL to be so sensitive.They might have faced all these so for them these things don't look very sensitive.

    My MIL would tell me somethings and you won't imagine.One day I told her,Sorry I don't like to hear those things and then she stopped.

    So they already end of there world and for them these things won't be sensitive.tell her,you can't read sanskrit and ask her to send in your language.That way you won't be in any guilt.

    I know lot of couple would take longer than what you expect like in one month.One month is not a practical zone for concenving.So keep your expecations low and don't keep stress.
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    My dh simply asked me to not read that book and further told me that 'Why do you want to listen to strangers. Just ignore her".

    Tuliplady,This statement tells a lot about you. You have your husband's support and he doesnt come into any emotional talk. That is something of a HUGE plus point for you.
    First of all your husband is right. It is you and him who has to decide about a baby and not his mom or the astrologer . IL's take great pleasure in putting any pressure on son/dil's. Be it in the form of astrological input or ranting about how to run our families here. You are not alone . My FIL's only motive in life is to keep telling us how to run our family here or tell my husband on how he is in a problem becoz of my horosope. All his mails/ phone calls have to include this and telling me to tell some mantras.Imagine 7 yrs of marriage and mails and /or fone calls (Every week!!)with telling me to tell whats wrong with my horoscope and how my time is bad and till how long. How I shud remove the effect by telling some mantras .!!:bonk:bonk.
    The solution is to ignore it . You need to be calm and relaxed in all ways if you are TTC. Dont worry too much about what your MIL says. You yourself mentioned you had a check up done already. If everything is normal, you can expect to start a family any time soon. Relax yourself and enjoy the fact that your husband is also not putting pressure to do what your MIL says. Which happens with some women most of the time!!.Good Luck.
     
  10. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Tuliplady,

    I really have this NEED to tell you this story. Please read on.

    One of my relatives is married for 15yrs now. She tried TTC since a couple of years after marriage or immediately after marriage.....I am not sure.
    Anyway, She did not conceive till last year when they celebrated 15th wedding anniversary. Celebration?? Why?? bcos she was 6months pregnant too!!! And this year she will not be called in your language as you mentioned 'vanjh' or 'Barren' again.
    There is no religious place that she has not visited and there is no puja/daan that she has not done. She had seen most of the popular astrologers and spent thousands of rupees but all in vain. She even went through some fertility treatments and spent a huge amount on each visit.
    No result even then. One time someone advised her to go see some doctor in another place and when that doctor saw her he said there is some minor correction that needed to be done in her inner reproductive parts and it was infact a minor surgery with one day bedrest and thats it next month she conceived!! See the loss of time and energy and money all these years!! And people branding her barren too.

    When she finally analysed the whole thing over so many years she told me that all her thinking was diverted mostly to performing some or the other ritual and did not actually do much research in the clinical side of her problem. She told me instead of worrying and feeling humiliated I should have ignored all those comments and diverted my attention in contacting top experts in this field and surely then I would have come across this doctor whom I met. It was sheer luck that my colleague referred this doctor to me when I told her I cannnot attend some religious ceremony in their house which is for kids since I am barren and not allowed to. Infact this coworker of mine felt embarrased more than me since I have already accepted the fact I am indeed barren and compromised living my life as childless. That coworker immediately started her extensive research and enquiries and came up with this gynec's name who is supposedly the leading expert in India in this field. She even told me she would accompany me since it was out of town. I told her I gave up. But she kept on insisting and finally I thought 'OK let me give this a try too'. And see.......I have this bundle of joy here!!!
    She told me she spent more time and money on astrology and other stuff than on doctors. She went out of town to visit some religious place and not to see any doctor. She compromised with the knowledge of the gynec she had at her place only.

    Ok tuliplady you might be thinking why did I tell you all this. Because, first and formost I do not want you to give up. After your result came negative first time you seem to lose hope.
    And I don't want you to assume you are vanjh because you are not!!! It was voluntarily that you did not TTC these years. And moreover give it some time. It will happen. Don't just resign to fate always. You can perform puja or any ritual. But performing pujas and prayers should be to ask GOD to give you faith in yourself and HIM and ask him to give you strength in your endeavour and help you see things POSITIVELY.
    Positive attitude is of utmost importance when you TTC.
    What your hubby meant is 'Do not lose hope'. Don't just believe something blindly.

    Don't misunderstand him and make life a mess. You and your dh need to have peace and positive attitude so that you conceive.
    Conceiving has a lot to do with our psychology,emotions as much as it has to do with physical health. So, take care of your health and keep yourself busy and stop thinking about the negative things.

    All will be fine and god bless you! Pretty soon we will hear good news!

    Tara
     

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