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Mil Always Backbiting

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Nov 5, 2019.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi my mil is one out the ekta kapoor serials.She will never live and let live...I am really tired of her contact backbiting about me,she will never say anything on the face but will speak behind my back to husb.Its been almost 11 yrs we are married,i thought he would have developed that maturity by nowbut he proves me wrong everytime.Whenever these two ppl are alone i dont know what she poisons him that his attitude changes completely.I cant even say anything to him because he doesnt talk to me about it but just starts avoiding me and i can see a change in his behaviour.I need some peace of mind.I feel when will he wake up that she is spoiling our life.I somehow fee that if a third person can ruin a relationship then that relationship is only so weak.I feel sad about it.I wana say so many things to him but cant talk to him because i dont get that comfort with him.I somehow feel stuck.I know many of us are in similar situation,but what do you do ladies in such a situation?

  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    People who feel stuck, just wait it out patiently for a time when they do not feel so stuck, that is, wait for a natural resolution of the situation. Even young ones, employed, living in foreign country, seem to go that route.... to wait until situation resolves itself.

    I noticed that you brought on Ekta Kapoor right away; if it would help you, imagine people in your household to be actors on a TV serial, and when they harangue you about this or that, wonder about what would be the progress in the next week's episodes. This might at least give you some secret joy in your tough days stuck in your situation.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2019
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    First of all don't worry.

    The problem is not your MIL. Because if not MIL, there will be some BIL, SIL or someone to poison against someone in life. That's the nature of this world.
    The actual problem here is your H's reaction to his mother's poisoning.
    If he pays a deaf ear or chose to silently ignore her complaints, nothing would affect your marriage.
    But he reacts to everything his mother says. He takes them to you, and make you feel horrible about it.
    And that's why you feel the marriage is sinking. But contrastingly, he still have an upper hand in the marriage, because he is the one who gives you silent treatments.
    Despite of doing nothing, you suffer silently. But for the mistakes of letting an outside influence into the marriage, your H suffer nothing.

    When he doesn't lose anything, why would he stop listening to his mother or bringing that bitterness home?

    The next time, you should also react.
    Keep a long face, and give him silent treatment the moment he returns back from his mother (either after a visit or after a long phone call).
    Make him feel confused, and curious about your silence. Make him worry about whats and ifs by showing displeasure in your moves.
    Avoid him completely, but interact with others at home as usual (with kids, maids etc...)
    Take alternative ways such as going by auto (to avoid travelling with him in the car), calling a helper (to avoid asking helps from him for grocery shopping etc). This way, he understands it explicitly.
    Men need to be told explicitly, else they won't take it.

    He will come around. At least he will stop staging his side of the drama (after MIL's poisoning) since both can't simultaneously play at home.

    When he comes around, don't discuss anything at length. Enough is enough, as I know you must have discussed your displeasure already. This time, just show your displeasure in action.
    Tell him that you don't feel the connect every time when he comes back from MIL with a complaint.
    Tell him that you like it this way, than expecting a momma's boy to change and be happy together.

    The idea is to make him feel guilt for whatever he has been doing. To make him responsible for his acts, and to make him understand that he can't continue to fool you.

    When he knows the power of his wife, he will soon understand how to weigh relationships, and how to balance both.
    He doesn't have to fight with momma or but he can at least ignore her words to be nice with you always.
    Twinkel likes this.
  4. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    @kenny ,
    For a moment I thought someone has written my past. Excatly the same thing was happening to me and to a very smaller extent it happens now too.
    But I must say that the back biting will have tremendous influence on these Lads. My H was exactly the same and so is my MIL even today. And this was exactly the reason for the huge fight in my house couple of days back.
    The drama was so huge because I said she backbites about me and even repeated what she said. Lady out rightly denied and said she wants to know what all she said about me and where to whom.
    End conclusion from her : After 8 years of live-in with her (yes I would call it that way) she says I have planned for a nuclear family and hence making allegations on her.
    Though husband is little ok now, the moment I heard her talking about me I felt so insecured that it would impact our relationship again.
    But one question to you. Can I or you do anything about it? Nothing right? I have made up my mind to invest my life over my career, my dd and my interests. If H joins my team, then its just a bonus which cannot be expected every time.
    Yes most men do listen to their moms without opposing them when it comes to complaints on their wife. But they will not agree too for the fear that we would call them Mommas boy. And as I said earlier there is nothing we can do about it until some sense prevails in them either by their own thinking, or some closer ones giving impressive "Gyan" to them which happened in my case.
  5. Patientone

    Patientone Bronze IL'ite

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    Had I known how evil some mother in laws are and how senseless some men can be, I would have never gotten married. I deal with the same problem even though I live far away from MIL, except now they try and tell all my aunties and uncles things to ruin my name. Then when my aunties and uncles say things to them, they tell my husband my parents are doing this. Hence, he has no relationship with my parents.

    The best thing would be to ignore and be happy. Once you get occupied in other things you will think less of this. Just remember insecure people gossip and backbite. It’s because they think so low of themselves that they need to make us unhappy. Sometimes it hard and your Brain reacts to it like you have been in a traumatic accident because it is trauma. But know and feel that these people must be really unhappy about themselves to talk about us.

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