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MIL acting funny

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by enlightened, Feb 5, 2010.

  1. enlightened

    enlightened Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    Till oflate I was proud about my relationship with my MIL.But ever since the birth of my second son, 2 months back, she is behaving funny.She gets insecure at every small thing and remembers my late FIL.She also weeps and creates a scene now and then in front of my mom.All this plus managing my two kids has become too overwhelming for me.Somehow she wants to convey the message that she wants to be a free bird and dosent want to get tied down by home and my children.I am a FTM and personally have nothing against this.But her behaving so irritates me.How do i deal with her?

    deepa.
     
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  2. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    With newborn you surely must have become very busy and do not have time to spend with her as earlier. So, that must be bothering her.
    Try to spend some time only with her when your baby is sleeping and then see if there is any difference. OR may be during the weekends when your husband is at home you both can go or all of you can go together, to temple, shopping, restaurant etc and that way it will convey to her that you are giving her some attention too.

    :thumbsup
    sridivya
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  3. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Let me get something clear. She is looking after your kids and once in a while when she voices her opinion that she wants a break, that's crazy to you, is it?
     
  4. enlightened

    enlightened Bronze IL'ite

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    No Nandhu.I look after my kids.I only take her help once in a while(like recently I had two surgeries...so I needed her help as well as my mom's).Now my mom is returning to her place .Since I have had a second c-section, I will need some minor help .....I feel she dosent want to burden herself with anything.Thats also fine.The prob is ....for every lil thing she weeps...e.g recently i asked her if i could sleep in her room with the lil one.The reason was-in my room my hubby and son can sleep without disturbance.She said we want to take away her room as its not her home....This really bothers me:(
     
  5. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    umm why would you want to do that? It is taking over privacy, so she is upset. Shouldn't your baby be with you and your husband? Why is his sleep more important your MIL's? She didn't join you and your husband in making your baby.. I mean seriously! If you don't your older child's sleep interupted for whatever reason, then maybe you can ask your MIL if he could sleep in her room or something.
     
  6. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with Mrs.V and Nandhu.. !

    You were wrong if you thought your hubby and son's sleep was more important than the elderly lady's ! How can you decide that ? Did you ask her ?

    She is sure to get upset wondering why no one cares for her and doesnt care about the sleep she deserves. Now dont tell me, my hubby goes to work and so he deserves sleep ! NO. Your hubby has been working even before the child was born. So, you should rather compromise and only then get a baby to take care, and shouldnt if you cant. Period.

    She deserves her space. Regardless of wether she wants to sleep or play board games !!!

    I dont understand why you expect her to help when she is feeling bad that her space has been invaded ?? She isnt obliged to help you, really ! Nor is your mom.

    You must hire a domestic help if you need someone to support or help you around after surgeries. It is not right to expect elders to help for our convenience. They may sometimes do it because, they feel they are obliged to. But, it is our duty to let them know IT ISNT !

    They had slogged their lives bringing up their own kids and lived a life with their husband. Now, if they want to relax with no disturbance, C'mon, they deserve it !

    Just because they are healthy and can move around, doesnt mean help can be expected oot of them.. They deserve a break too !

    They are humans just like us..
     
  7. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    I have no advices here. But the above statement reads odd to me. If you want your hubby and kid to have a peaceful sleep , how could you interfere your MIL's peaceful sleep. How could you think that it was ok for her to be disturbed by the baby when the baby's own father will have peaceful sleep? You yourself feel that you and the new born baby sleeping in the room in which your hubby and kids sleep is going to disturb them. So how did you conclude that your MIL can put up with that disturbance?
    Your intentions may be right or wrng.. I don't know. But your above statement reads wrong to me...

    If I were you, I would have asked the trio hubby, kid and MIL to sleep peacefully in one room so that none will get disturbed...
     
  8. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I don't know about the rest of your relationship with MIL but I can tell you based on my own experience with my mom and mil that at their age, they tend to imagine slights and insults against them when none exist. so we have to be extra careful in our dealings with them.

    Your MIL is behaving like my mom does. every time we tell her something she does not like she reacts by saying that oh you treat me this way because I am a widow. had your father been alive there would be no way I would get treated like this.

    She probably feels that you are only keeping her there for help and not because she deserves to be there. Only way to make her feel better is to have your husband spend some quality time with her. also, try to show her that she is a valuable pasrt of your family, kids or not. and if you need help, hire it. see your mom will help you because she is your mom. you cannot expect the same from mil. I learnt this the hard way ;-) after my c-section.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  9. ritikasingh

    ritikasingh New IL'ite

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    Hi Enlightened,
    I can understand your perspective..
    Your husband is working and needs to goto work the next day.. and your older son needs to goto school\daycare in the morning.. I have 3 yrs old, I know how important it is for kids to sleep peacefully in the night before going to daycare in the morning ...whereas MIL definitely can rest during the day, as she is going to be home and doesnt really help much at home..

    She needs to be more understanding.. You are not taking away her right to sleep peacefully.. she's a part of the family and if she wants to be considered or respected like that she needs to contribute somewhere or the other.. it's not intruding into her privacy if you want her to share her bedroom with a new mom n infant who happens to be her grandkid..
     
  10. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry I disagree. Her MIL is not the child's mother. She did her part in rasining her child. And OP needs help from both her mom and her mil to keep the house running, so if the MIL wants to live there, she is expected to all the chores and of course payment in the form of three meals a day and a bed to sleep at night right!?

    For all the MIL ranting we do because of the expectations placed on DILs, this isn;t any different. Plenty of people live with new babies, wake up in the middle of the night to console, and wake up a few hours later and go to work. It is part of parenthood, not grand parenthood. People live and used to live in one bedroom apartments with multiple kids, and go to sleep and disturbance is not a big issue. There will be growing pains, but people get over it because there is a new baby in the house, and just like how you mentioned that if the MIL needs to be more understanding, shouldn't the baby's father be more understanding?
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010

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