Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Priya16, Jan 24, 2020.
+1 Also the need to talk about safe sex practices and other STD’s .
If you think the kids of your Indian friends are only attending balvihar , you are mistaken. They are also likely exploring their sexualities in many ways without their parents knowing.
What is important is that your kid does not feel the need to rebel and can have a open conversation with you.
May be the kids in support of lgbt , going that far that I am also one of you. May be that why she said bisexual. better kids somehow understands exploring own body by own, no need of other person, and waiting for sometime is good.
This could be very much true. But at this age, they may not also realize that.
She has always been part of antibullying in school and maybe she sees these kids are getting bullied.
Other kids who involved also very dashing and charisma personalities.
Thank you @Angela123, @Rihana, @1Sandhya, @Laks09 , @sokanasanah , @mangaii , @SingnManisha,
All of your replies and support means a lot. It gave me a lot of relief.
I will try my best to keep the conversation open.
would you please let me know how to find local shelters?
She has time. She has a mixture of all group of friends.Girls/boys are indian/nonindian.
She mingles with anyone and makes friends with anyone easily.
If I keep light in the house, she switches off. She deeply cares about the environment and people.
She won't let me print a paper.
Maybe this is a driving factor for her. I have been asking to join her sports but she is resisting. Not sure why. So , I thought I can divert energy that side.
She was in drama and likes a lot. But that also I stopped. In drama, kids spend a lot of time together and they exposed
for different things.
I just found by googling since my daughter likes cooking . I would encourage you to enroll her in some activities which will engage her mind . What kind of clubs are there in school ? Does she like any sports ? Don’t fear too much about this issue and don’t make decisions based on fear . We cannot stop anything from happening. You can talk to her and ask her what she likes to do .
Yes I agree her sense of empathy and compassion may be a factor here.
A few points I wanted to mention
1. I am not bothered even if she is writing this in her diary. Teenage is the time when a child starts looking at people around them and looking for models to pattern their own attitude and behaviour on. This can be male or female. I had plenty of mad infatuations and crushes in my teenage. One young and dynamic new teacher had a way of clipping her hair that I was just in love with. Spent hours at home trying to duplicate, would imitate her gestures in front of mirror etc and feel very grownup. Athletic seniors, dashing filmstars come on we all went through this. Crushes, mad infatuation, declarations of undying love... We all grew out of it. It means nothing. As her mom reassure her what she is feeling is normal.
2. Current understanding of gender and sexuality is that it is a sliding scale between two poles of male and female. Most people are clustered around the poles but where each falls is not exactly identical. My behaviour, attitude and preferences may strike you as distinctly unfeminine even though both identify as female. We all know this to some extent in our daily life. But small children just introduced to these ideas, like your daughter, see it as black and white. They see it not as a sliding scale but as boxes, and they just want to know where they fall. They form snap judgments that some small incident means they are definitely something, even if that incident is opposite of their life to that point. (My kid was introduced to concept of racism in school same age, he was so sensitized by reading all the literature that for a while after that, if we even referred in passing to someone's race, he would be in an agony of embarrassment that we were being racist. It took a while for him to get out of that phase.)
3. Bottomline if your child is indeed different, as a mother, you would have picked up on it long back and her statement would have come as a relief or a validation, not a surprise. Gut instinct is really a thing.
4. Not to alarm you but there is a subculture in high school and colleges of LUG, lesbian until graduation, and also GUG and BUG. Please google it. It seems to be a way the kids deal with the peer pressure and social pressure of having to date. This BUG, LUG, seems to have been co-opted by some Indian kids, esp from very conservative families, who have taken to claiming they are B, G or L, to relieve the social peer pressure of having to date or explain themselves. I personally know of a very pretty young Indian lady who marked herself as 'in a relationship' and 'its complicated' with her childhood female best friend on Facebook during her uni days in a smallish midwest college, just to stop the endless unwanted pestering from her university mates for dates or explanations. It was easier, she told me, to just say she was already in a relationship. now mother of two and happily married.
My sincere advise to you is- she is coming to you with doubts for reassurance. She is at 1+1 = 2 stage and you are jumping ahead to e=mc2 stage. Stay with her, at her level, and answer her questions, bond with her. If school is 80% white, a lot of 'who am I?' 'Where do I belong?' etc must be going through her mind. Talk to her, and tell her about your teenage and your struggles in the form of stories. Even if irrelevant to topic, she will open up if she gets a sense you are not judging her constantly.
that was an excellent and very articulated post.
she was a little tom-boyish but no other signs for me. She was a very happy kid. I think she made friends with the group in a drama place she started learning about it. I see now, she is reading a lot about LGBTQ.
In our first conversation, she said she was a PAN and I don't even know the meaning of that at that time. In her book , she wrote as she is a B but now she did some painting on her writings. Actually, the first time she bought the topic I was very furious. I was too mad too. She told me her friend's mom accepted them for what they are.
I was losing sleep also until I posted it here. Now, I calmed down.
Why I am writing here because you can guys can see better than me.
I appreciate your advice. Will keep in mind and will do my best. I really needed this.
Hmm... This makes me wonder if she felt a connection with them because she feels like she is a minority in her school and they too are another kind of minority. This feeling may have created a sense of bonding and curiousity in her mind.
Labels carry different meanings and significance for different people, it is different for her gen and ours. When you talk to her, tell her to explain what she is feeling without using labels, in simple words, in her own words. Ask questions, show you are trying to understand. Dont ask what is a b. she will explain textbook definition or what some LGBT friend said, whether she feels that or not. Ask her what she is feeling and experiencing, in her own words, she should describe. And then explain why she decided to give these feelings the label of a b or a pan. And why she did painting? When? What does that mean? This conversation must be in a very neutral, loving and accepting way by you.
You have mentioned your angry reaction few times. Why angry? I can understand worry or tension but why you are getting angry with her? She cant help it no? Dont show anger. Put your own feelings and reactions in a diary or tell us here or to your good friends, not to her. Even she is suspicious no? So explain to her just once, why you reacted like that, to close that chapter, and tell her you love her and are not angry with her. Tell her that you dont understand these things, you never had to deal with this kind of thing before but for her sake now you want to understand. And ask her to explain. Ask questions and make her explain. And restart communication on a new page. You must realize that from now on your bonding with your daughter will be more like friends and less like parent-child. This change starts around this age only. So this is a good start.
My suggestion - if after talking to her, you feel indeed she is feeling like a minority in her school, balvihar may be a good idea, not for the religious but the social aspect. Surrounded by other Indian kids, she wont feel like a minority, and realize other kids go through similar Indian environment at home as well and make friends. That experience once or twice a week may benefit her.