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Mentally Ill Mil9

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Ria84, Jan 10, 2021.

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  1. Ria84

    Ria84 Bronze IL'ite

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    Mil is mentally ill and she has been having that disease for almost 40 yrs and is on medication. She has never done anything for me and most of the time in the past, I was left off when giving anything like prasad, or any other things. I was made to feel I don't belong here by her. She is always lying on the bed or reading newspaper. Thatz it. She does not talk to anyone much. Haven't seen any person as inactive as her. Her husband and son add fodder to her inactiveness and don't let her put a step. They'll do all services for her. Everyone of her relatives say she has lived like a queen and she is very lucky cause her husband and son have been doing seva for her. She has been taunted by her inlaws side since the beginning of her marriage that she doesn't do anything and lets her husband do everything. She would do very little then. Now she doesnt do anything. What irks me is that I was never informed that she had that dreaded mental disease when I was married.
    Even now, when no one is there in kitchen or near her, she goes and gets things for herself like food etc. The moment she sees anyone she asks them. She does the same to metoo. I feel irked and angry to do anything for her because she never did anything for me and always treated me like outsider. I feel, how can anyone expect your dil to do things for you when you have not done anything for her.

    Do you think I should let go of this thinking of mine and do things for her whenever she asks ???

    I do things for her just for obligation, not out of love. I do just afew things a day everyday for her but I don't sit around waiting upon her. But whenever she asks me anything,I don't like doing it for her but anyways do it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2021
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  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Phew... aren't you glad that the woman is up and about ? She can get up, go to the bathroom, take showers, wipe her own arse and so forth. Someone had already suggested that one ought to count blessings in this new year. Yes..count.

    The poor woman with the newspaper is not even engaging in arguments with you, or micromanaging what you should do in that house. Your cup is more than half full; heck, it is close to brim.

    If medications had been keeping her docile like that, make sure you get her the medication on schedule even if she doesn't ask for it, and watch while she takes it. You don't want to ruin what you allege is the peacekeeper in the home.
    Do you like your husband, i.e., the fruit of her loins ?
    You bet your sweet medications you should. Dont mess with a good thing when you have got one.
     
  3. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    Your first line has the answer. She is mentally ill, why are you competing with a mentally illy person? If you do not want to do things, you can ask your husband to do or keep a care taker. First responsibility is your husband’s to take care of her
     
  4. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Ria,
    I have seen several mentally ill wives/ husbands/ sons/ daughters - who go on with their lives like how you are expecting! But, only the family sees the ugra roop! And the servants !! I know the stress these families go through - walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger an episode, leaving a much expected party or trip because he/she is upset, giving up friends because he/she got some trigger, getting accused of things they cannot even imagine !! The mental and emotional torture they go through! Sometimes physical torture too!



    You have got a GREAT thing going, Ria !! She is taking medications! She is docile and never interferes in your life! She does not bother about you!

    Believe me ! You will come crying here MUCH MUCH louder the day she starts bothering about you or acknowledging you!!

    Your cup is overflowing!

    Help your husband keep the peace ! Everyday, remember she is a PATIENT and NOT your MIL. And PRAY she keeps you in the IGNORE list!

    Think of it as doing it for your husband's sake! Or if you like, think of her as some random stranger who is SICK.
    Dont get attached to her action/inaction and spoil YOUR mental health or YOUR marriage over it!

    YOU don't need HER to do ANYTHING for you! Nope, not even a glass of water! Leave aside Prasad. Ask your Husband or FIL for the prasad later if you want. Or just take it gently from her and say thank you.

    One of my student's parent has such mental illness - the young teen and her family would have been over the moon, happy and thrilled, dancing with joy - if her parent had been like your mother-in-law.

    During an episode, if the girl (or the other parent) is able to escape the house, they will be roaming here and there on the roads if day light (or come to my place if dark). If they are not able to escape the house, I see the cuts & bruises, the sadness that their good marks/ achievement/ lovingly given card/some recipe did not get acknowledged.
    I keep reminding her that her parent is a patient. They try treatment, things are fine for a couple of weeks/months.... And again, some trigger happens. Rinse and Repeat! They try so very hard to make the patient take medication - everyday is a struggle!

    As I said, YOUR cup is overflowing! Don't wish for more participation from her!

    If your husband or FIL is willing to share, listen to their nightmares before diagnosis/medication without judging!

    DO NOT go gossiping about MIL to your/their relatives! She is a sick woman not an evil woman.


    Do it for your husband's love. Does your FIL accept and acknowledge you? Do it for his sake!
    Do it out of COMPASSION for a sick elderly woman.
    Then you wont feel obligated.

    And you need to let go of this thinking of yours - NOT for your MIL or husband, but for YOUR OWN sake - this thinking will slowly make your heart poisoned and make YOU a bitter and unhappy person!

    Please dont spoil YOUR life for this.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2021
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  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I liked your long response, with the above advice as the conclusion. However, shouldn't we also offer Ria something Real to worry about and manage for the future ?

    There are scientific studies (google for Journal Articles) on mental-health and how some illnesses may pass on from one gen' to the next generation... or skip-a-gen and become manifest in the next.

    We do not know exactly what Ria means by "MIL is mentally ill" -- is there a name for what the MIL has got? is it genetic or caused by some childhood head injury ?

    The MIL had got married, given birth to a child, and the child grew up sufficiently well-adjusted, enough to convince Ria&family to have a marital alliance with them. One could suspect that the mental illness is not something that is a public annoyance and had made the whole family social outcasts.

    Ria has to learn more about the mental illness, and consult the appropriate specialists to make sure that her children have less chance of acquiring it. This worry of genetic continuance of the disorder is something that should both genuinely bother her, as well as make her feel consoled in that there had been a medicine available for 40 years to keep the disorder in check.
     
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  6. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    A friend's brother-in-law has a mental issue. He attacks his parents and brother mostly, but since they are in the same house, my friend and her 6yo son see angry outbursts and episodes regularly.
    Any time I go out, I will see her and her son walking around, window shopping to allow the kid to escape - this is in spite of the fact the he NEVER ever raises his voice in front of my friend and is quite protective of the kid.

    My friend has high BP and nerve issues due to overthinking..... That's why I said - dont spoil YOUR life.


    Not to be too hasty, Ria has some growing up to do before we make her worried !

    But you're right. In my experience, usually these families have more than 1 person with mental issues - father, aunt, cousin

    It is like someone has diabetes, they go on to live long lives, have kids, have a career. Sure, there are some restrictions and some extra emergencies and cautions - but life goes on!

    The treatment is the most important part! The main problem is the stigma attached to the person and the family. Diabetes would give you sympathetic looks or sometimes blaming that oh you eat too much sweets so you got diabetes.

    But with mental illness, people dont have sympathy - it is more fear and disparage! You get shunned and gossiped about in family circles. The world needs to create more awareness programs for mental illnesses

    Yes Hopi! Medicines have been available for 40 years. But even today, out of the 14-15 families I know closely, only 1-2 of them take medicines regularly and talk honestly about their condition. Only they live peaceful lives like OP's husband's family...

    The others (including families) dont even acknowledge the mental condition to the outside world. They actively enable the patient, allow them to behave as they want, are unable to make them take medication regularly, tolerate the physical and mental torture out of fear of social shaming.
    They FAIL royally at having a HEALTHY family life because the patient DOES NOT accept there is a problem and actively REJECTS medication! Their families' lives revolves around escaping triggers, persuading/manipulating the patient to take medication and telling excuses and apologising or defending them against relatives and friends!

    Ria, you should understand your MIL's condition with sympathy and empathy and scientific knowledge and reports.
    After that, your husband and you should go to a specialist with the correct data and MATURELY discuss about genetic continuance without blaming anyone!
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2021
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  7. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Unfortunately, this is how most DILs of “mentally healthy MILs” are treated too ...

    IMO, so far you are doing it great. You must continue doing so. Love cannot be demanded, it has to be earned. You don't have to compel yourself to love her, if she has done nothing to earn it.

    You are helping her when she needs your help and doing your responsibility well. It should be enough. Don’t worry.
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your MIL is not helping you, but she is interfering or her harming you in any way? If she is not, then please have some compassion for her. She just seems to be quietly existing from what I gather.
    If she has been on medication for so many years then she must have a significant illness. Also keep in mind that mental health problems especially back in her time were not taken seriously by the society, so she may not have had much support for that.
    If your workload is too much then look into hiring some domestic help as needed. If you can afford it you can also hire an aide for your MIL who can attend to her during the day.
     
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  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    What is the name of her mental illness. ?
    Sorry, you need to have some more EMPATHY
     
  10. Ria84

    Ria84 Bronze IL'ite

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    Her disease starts with Sch....a.

    Dont you think one needs to inform about such things before marriage if they expect you to look after them. My parents too have expressed displeasure about this, that they never informed before.

    Yes, I dont HAVE EMPATHY, NO WONDER I HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR HER AND THIS House, even after being treated like some outside person.

    She is usually quiet but shouts mostly at her son and husband. She has at me few times.

    Am myself suffering from some other chronic disease due to all this . And it is not some diabetes or BP and I would have been happy if it was just that. I would be very surprised if I ever live to cross 70th year. Who knows..I might, I might not because of all the effects of the medicines I take. Thatz another 30+ years.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2021
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