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Mentally Drained And Feeling Weak And Lonely In Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mirrorimage, May 9, 2018.

  1. mirrorimage

    mirrorimage Silver IL'ite

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    our In-laws stay with us and we went out with friends...my FIL usually sits in front seat next to my husband in car..i have got used to it over time n gave up the desire...on this day he went in friends car so front seat was empty, by the time I planned on going n sitting next to my husband...my MIL went n sat next to him..i felt bad n let it go..as usual was trying to forget n enjoy my time with toddler. I was giving grapes to him n he got saturated so I stopped. My Husband started taunting,saying give the grapes to him he will eat. I said no he had enough..my MIL pitched in saying..I give him one cup full everyday he eats it with me.so give it to him he will eat....I said no...he is not taking it..may be because we are driving n it was hilly curves....
    The blame always is like- I am not giving my toddler grapes...while MIL gives to him every day he eats one cup full...
    when in reality he is the one not having it.... I got drained arguing with them..n felt so bad...

    It's not just this incidence...lots of others every day....always trying to prove I am bad in every angle for his son and their grandson.....

    all this added up. when I confided my husband about it....he started fighting with me....any time I say something his parents did that bothers me ,he always turns against me as if they all are one party and I am anti-party.....he never thinks in my point of view...its always like I am unnecessarily blaming his parents and I am not satisfying their expectations of Bahu. Saying things like---I will support my parents and do things to them --they have given up a lot for me in life...blah blah blah...
    my reply------ Please do take care of them. I never said anything about you supporting them.. they said something n I felt bad...I just confided...

    Husbands reply----- whether you say or not..I will support them..ur saying doesn't even matter to me...

    That tone--felt like I didn't matter at all....my existence didn't matter...my thoughts telling please do support dint matter...Nothing of me matters....its all about them
    Its been 5 yrs since we married, I don't usually complain but when my mood gets distressed due to their acts and if I confide...he will never see my point of view anytime. it's always my mistake for seeing them badly..negatively...I should always think whatever they say is for positive and be happy...how can it be when I am the one suffering from all the negative remarks...Their bond is so tight(my husband and his parents)...I feel like an outsider...My In-laws only care for my husband's happiness and always back him up when he criticizes me....and my husband always backs my in-laws when they criticize me.....
    I am fed up with being married at all..how come I didn't see all these before marriage!!! I resent every single day....no one there to support...trying and acting to be strong while in reality feeling weak from within.

    I was reading for my exams and now I am so drained by all this drama...i just feel so exhausted n dead from inside.....no mood to study not able to concentrate...feeling so lonely in this world...
    Giri12 and GeetaKashyap like this.

  2. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I feel for you. Sorry you are going through this.

    I just want to say that let this frustration & daily torture be channelized to inspire / fuel your desire to work & be financially independent. Which means study harder & pass all the exams ASAP. If these exams are self paced, take them up faster, so you can work faster. Just use this drama to make your resolve stronger.

    Time & again the idea of women working & financial independence as the only solution to family problems have been contested. But, I truly think once you go out & start earning, your husband will get in line. Sometimes, they need to see your independent streak to get on track! Also the bickering in laws may suddenly start to respect you.

    What are you studying for?
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    One thing I learnt by staying with in laws for 10 yrs is fight your own battles and don't expect husband to defend you or support you .They wont .When you stay in a joint family these trivial issues happen especially concerning kids food, lifestyle etc. In initial days of our marriage I was always thinking what if i raise my voice and was always trying to keep in laws happy by listening to what they say ignoring my happiness .All it got me was High BP in early 20's followed by depression.Do what you feel is right for your kid and if someone pressurises make them realize you are his mom.Try a couple of times and see if they stop sharing unnecessary comparisons and suggestions , In my case while it dint stop completely it reduced for sure.

    Also , regarding sitting in the front seat , your inlaws , do they have any health issues and which is why they prefer to sit in the front ? Did you talk to your DH on this?

    Its common that your dh and their parents have great bonding and will back each other when needed .You got to stand up for yourself and speak your mind .If you keep mum before them and only talk to DH about trouble it appears you are cribbing for little things and at one point they play deaf ear.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your H said this, and treats you like an outsider in your own home. He prioritizes his parents, and doesn't bother anything about you at all.

    And you madly yearn to be with him, and have desires like siting next to him in his car.

    Strange... If I were you, I wouldn't even consider going an outing with this gang. Forget about sitting close to him like a happy couple. How come???
    You are drained inside, burnt by their words and actions... how come you even pretend your life is normal like any couple?
    You need a reality check my dear.

    The more you accept their behavior and pretend to be normal in your marriage, the more they feel comfortable in abusing you.

    Start from the scratch. Don't expect any major changes immediately. It is important that you start something to change your life.

    Tell your H clearly that you are the spouse, and he needs to respect and treat you as one.
    Share all your expectations with him in detail, and make him promise that he will do the needful hearafter.
    If he says NO, or anything disrespectful, then refuse to live your life as his spouse in every way.
    Don't cook for him. Don't talk to him. Don't sleep with him. Don't share anything with him. A wife can withdraw a lot of things from a marriage. Do that.
    Make him realize the pain of loosing you.

    He might not realize it immediately. More importantly, his mother would over work to fill the gap.
    But wait... No one can replace a wife's role in a man's life.

    Now that, you are cheaply available for him. So, he wouldn't understand your worthiness. Let him understand that first. It takes time, but patient is very important in any battle.

    For now, concentrate on your exams. Your personal growth is utmost important. That is what gonna help you in a long run.
    You can't be a dependent to such an unloving/uncaring husband like him. It will never help you.
    Do what it takes to be independent in every possible way. Your independence can threaten them to some extend.
    That can really be your voice, and that's how you make them hear your voice in the future.

    You are a young woman... There is so much to live and love in this world. Don't lose hope.
    Your H will come around, and everything will fall in the right place sooner or later.
    Don't worry
    Meghaa, suasin, messedup and 3 others like this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, focus on your exams and your independence .
    Now stop worrying about them. If your MIL or dh says she or he is good at doing something. Just agree and hand over that job to her or him. Use that time for you. If you repeat it many times, she will stop doing it as she will realise that her burden will increase .

    If you dh complains just ignore it. if not say your mom is better so let her do it, if you want you can help her as you are also good.

    It is just a waste of time arguing with them. Change the way you respond like I said and see if it works. I have done this before it worked . Just agree with them that they are good ( you can smile inside) for these silly issues . But set a boundary and dont allow anyone to sit on your head. Demand respect. Save energy for important battles .

    Just create an I don't care attitude about their comments. Do whatever you want . You don't need their good certificate to be successful. If you think you are insulted beyond your tolerance limit, completely ignore your dh till he come back to you. But be positive towards you.

    Now focus fully on your studies and career. Good luck
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It is common for a Indian man to defend his parents activities be it good or bad . And they mostly always prioritise their parents over wife any day . What is uncommon is they directly make wife feel that . Most husbands are diplomatic and they try to balance both wife and mom
    But over time , they mature and realise the role and sacrifices and importance of life partner and mother of his kids . But your husband is not even trying to be diplomatic and handle the situation .. infact he is taking you for granted by being so rude .
    So I will suggest you let him know his behaviour is unacceptable .See, even my husband .. his main purpose of life is to give a great life to his parents ., and does maximum for his parents desires and dreams and demands at the cost of our future . But in his behaviour , he loves me and makes me feel that I am very important and valuable , and he defends my respect in front of others that's why I'm happy with him.If your husband cannot do this, then something very wrong with him .And that's, you don't owe him any good behaviour or to serve him nicely while he treats you like that. That's why you should not accept everything silently , else he will take you more for granted .Just because he loves his parents doesn't mean he has any right to insult you. It is not just your responsibility to maintain peace at home, his responsibility too. @SGBV has given a good response .
    But this much I will say that don't get disheartened . You have two big positives to be hopeful.about . One is your exam . Second is that with time , all husbands realise the value of their wife so be positive and patient. It may take few more years but will surely happen , and also you will crack exam and get desired job in the meanwhile , it will change your life . Your child also growing up and will add so much joy that you will not even care about these issues much. So be patient and happy .
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  7. Socialbee

    Socialbee Silver IL'ite

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    Try this:
    Temporarily stop pleasing or proving your point to anyone. If your husband wants to be in the group of oldies, let him be.You just keep doing the right thing and ignore him. Care less for a few months. Act as if you belong to a much younger generation who can take parents advice but still continue to do whatever they like :p
    Talk more to your friends. Ignore your husband. Soon he will realize he is missing something more fun. He will eventually start listening to you.
    Sometimes temporary distance is important for long term relationship. Good luck!
    shravs3 likes this.
  8. beelife

    beelife New IL'ite

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    Dear mirrorimage,

    First of all i'm so sorry for you that you are going through all this. I totally understand how you must be feeling. You need to accept the facts as it is. This is the case with the most of the husbands. And majority of in-laws they never accept their DIL as part of the family. We are always outsiders.
    In-laws whatever you do they never care. So accept it and don't bother much in impressing or satisfying them. Do your duty as a responsible DIL like basic chores. That's all nothing more than that. Don't expect any appreciation. At the same time even if they constantly torment you with their comments ignore it unless until it is about your family or your character. Stop reacting. Thats the toughest part, but soon you will enjoy the benefits of not reacting. Initially its tough but believe me it works wonders.
    Don't go and complain to your husband because no matter what he will support his parents only. Every time you go to him expecting his support you will be disappointed. So stop expecting from him. Try to deal the situation directly with your in-laws but using your words gently. for example , if they say curry is not good next time ask your MIL to make and show you as last time she said it was not good, so tell her you will learn from her. This is just an example.
    If you want your husband to support you then start concentrating on you. Not just career wise but personal too. Don't depend completely on your husband for your happiness. Try to do and enjoy the things you like must alone or with your friends. Take your kid to park or somewhere spend some quality time. Try to learn dance or music or any sport. Atleast one activity. These kind of activities will make you confident and happy. Plan a sudden movie trip or shopping with your girl friends. Try to cook and eat what you like most. These are small activities. But believe me you will definitely get rid of the negative feelings and will be happy inspite of so much negativity around you. After this if he changes then thats good if he doesn't you already know how your husband is and you already accepted it and started enjoying your life. This really helped me and advised the same to couple of my friends and it helped them too. I hope it helps you too.
    DDream likes this.
  9. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

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    Listen up. you are the ONLY one who will have your back at all times in life. Stop expecting it from others be it your parents, siblings, husband or kids. If they are able to be by your side,count your blessing or else let it go. You are a grown up , an adult. You should be able to handle things life throws at u - annoying in laws ,unsupportive hubby and all. Choose and fight your own battles(and choose them wisely).
    I can understand your disappointment when u cant sit next your husband, intrusive inlaws who belittle you ,make you doubt yourself and make you feel less worthy. Either get over it or walk away. Dont poison yourself by thinking about it or while away in self pity.

    When DH and IL gang up against me ,i usually respond like this - I am doing my best and this is the best that i can do right now. If anyone feels they can handle it better, please be my guest.(and i mentlly add -or shut the f**k up) . It usually works like a charm. This response might not suit you. But find one and use it. God bless
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
    Suva203, joylokhi, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    chasingdreams likes this.

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