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Mental health issues in marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by payasa, Sep 15, 2014.

  1. payasa

    payasa Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    I am a 29 year old woman, been married for almost 5 years, no kids yet (luckily in my case), living and working in US.


    My husband and I had a happy marriage for almost 3 years. Then 2 years ago he had severe stress at work, finally losing mental peace, fights at home and ended up in paranoid personality disorder (he would suspect everyone and everything, didn't trust me at all).


    It was hard on me to support my husband when he did not trust me even a little bit. Although I did everything with good intentions, he (and his family) thought it was because of ulterior motives. This has been going on for the past 2 years.


    Since day 1 that I have seen him, I know he is dominating and controlling types, and also a little aggressive. I used to be submissive. This didn't mean we hated each other, we loved each other a lot (that is what I like to believe).


    I want your help and a little support if possible please.


    I am writing the main points of what happened in the last 2 years. Even without the details it is quite long post.
    - His mental disease combined with his dominating nature are a bad combination. He lacks trust, doesn't want to believe me, fights with me for small and big issues.
    - There was an instance when he lost his job, moved to a different city for new job, and asked me to come and live with him. After a lot of changing my decision (my fault that I couldn't make a firm decision) whether to live in US, quit my job and go to India or quit my job and go live with him, I finally took a big risk, and chose to quit my job and go and live with him so that we can work on our marriage. But things turned out bad - he didn't support me to go on H4 visa, I didn't have enough money and his family also didn't help me financially or any other way.
    - I found a job in another city, didn't speak to husband or his family for 4 months. I didn't want to divorce him either. It is hard to decide to separate when you love someone so much. During all this time I started hating his side of family (so much hatred that I can't describe). With the help of my job and my family's support I have become mentally strong. I have also become very rude and selfish towards my husband (though I love him, I dont want to show it so that he can take advantage of me)
    - My husband tried to contact me everyday for these 4 months. After repeated sorry's from husband, I started talking to him. He was fine for about a month. But now again the fights and mistrust is creeping in slowly.


    - My friends, cousins, parents are all advising me to leave him, or make a firm decision. It is hard either ways - can't live with him (with all his doubts, his silly family, taunts from him, fighting with me for money and other issues), can't even get separated easily (emotional attachment)
    - I am not yet ready to make a decision. Every few days that he is nice with me, I want to live with him. When he fights with me, I want to leave him.
    - All of my family want my happiness. They keep telling me that my husband is not going to be alright. Even without any disease he was naturally money minded, controlling, aggressive. They say that if I continue to keep changing my decision whether to live with him or not, my life will be meaningless. I am not very old now, and can recover if I leave him.
    - I don't share things with my friends and family, as their only advise is separation. This is making me feel suffocated.


    I can't make a firm decision, I am confused -
    1. If I leave my husband, how are we going to survive. I am worried about him - will he be able to handle things (career and life) without me.
    2. If I divorce, will I be able to find another person to share my life with? Will I find love again? I never had a boyfriend before, I don't know any other man apart from my husband.
    3. If I want to live with him, then what should I do? I am expecting him to become normal again which is very low probability.

    I have common sense generally, but when it comes to my husband and marriage, it stops working.
     
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  2. MrsBV

    MrsBV Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Sorry to hear about all your troubles! I hope you will be able to get through this situation.

    To answer your questions:

    1. If I leave my husband, how are we going to survive. I am worried about him - will he be able to handle things (career and life) without me. - You have given him enough opportunities I believe. Right now, you should be thinking about yourself. Everyone has the strength to deal with their biggest fears, you too have it. You may think that your husband cannot survive without you, but can you ask yourself whether you can survive with him. Do you want to have a life with someone who is most often insecure about you and fights with you?

    2. If I divorce, will I be able to find another person to share my life with? Will I find love again? I never had a boyfriend before, I don't know any other man apart from my husband. - Give yourself a chance, girl! If you opt for divorce, give yourself some time, recuperate from this relationship and then look out for options. People do get lucky the second time, you will too! Have faith and have hope and find someone who loves and trusts you.

    3. If I want to live with him, then what should I do? I am expecting him to become normal again which is very low probability. - If you plan to continue, have the TALK with him and tell him clearly you cannot take him not trusting you. Has he taken up counselling sessions for his illness? If not, please ask him to take regular counselling sessions, ask him to talk to you about his insecurities, make him feel loved and cared (however it looks like you have already done all that, but if you want to give him a second chance - communication and counselling sessions should help). Maybe its a good idea for you to also undertake counselling sessions to understand how to live with people who suffer from such illnesses. Stay away from his family, let him speak to them but tell him clearly that their opinions about you should not filter down and become his opinions since it will lead to fights.

    Hope this helps! Take care and all the best!
     
  3. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    I think both of you, especially your husband should undergo counselling before taking any major decisions.
    You say he has a mental issue-it is not going to get resolved on its own.
     
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  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Payasa,

    I feel sorry for you, mental disorders are toughest for both the person and their family. I have some body in my family too,but not paranoid type , a different one.

    There is no awareness about these problems, so it gets difficult for family. Is your husband is with a psychiatrist? you can talk to that doctor how your husband is behaving, the doc may give suggestions to you or both (counselling). You talk thoroughly with doctor how difficult the marriage has become for you? how you husband can get better with his symptoms of paranoid? Based on doctor words you may see what can be done.

    Does your husband family know and fully aware of what the seriousness of his problem is.

    Just an Info: you can get divorce on the grounds of mental disorders, court allows it. but I don't know for paranoid type also it applies.
     
  5. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm really sorry to read about your troubled marriage. Coping with life with a paranoid loved one is a nightmare. It is easier to take a fatalist approach and 'deal with it', so to speak, when the loved one is a parent or a sibling. But without blood ties, the ordeal of having a partner with paranoid disorder is compounded by guilt over thoughts of wanting out of such a relationship.

    Firstly, has your husband been diagnosed with PPD? If he has, is he on a treatment regimen, i.e, psychotherapy or medication? Are you privy to his medical records? Understanding his attitude towards his illness and treatment could provide you with the perspective you need to choose your future course. Unfortunately, as is the nature of the disease, sufferers of PPD find it difficult to trust their medical professionals, and often, do not comply with treatment protocols. This makes it a notoriously difficult to treat disorder. You are rightly pessimistic about your husband's chances of recovery. He can only recover when he himself chooses to seek help, but achieving that level of self-awareness might take him years. Years you don't have, especially without any assurance that he will eventually recover. With the added complication of an usupportive family, personally, I hesitate to recommend that you continue with the status quo. It may seem harsh and selfish, but unless you are strongly emotionally invested in this marriage, life with him will become unbearable. It will lead to anguish and resentment that will neither be healthy for you, nor leave you capable of assisting him.

    However before you throw in the towel, I suggest you have an honest talk with him. It is important that you catch him at a time when he is rational and lucid. Tell him your concerns about your future as a couple, and ask him to attend therapy with you. Since he is paranoid, expect him to turn it around and use your words against you. He will try to tell you that he always knew you will abandon him, or that you weren't committed to the relationship. Don't fall into these traps. Use a standard compassionate response like, "I know that these thoughts are occurring to you due to your condition and that you can't help them. So I won't argue with you about it." Only if he agrees to follow a comprehensive treatment protocol, and see a therapist by himself and as a couple, should you give this relationship another chance.

    As to your questions,

    1. If I leave my husband, how are we going to survive. I am worried about him - will he be able to handle things (career and life) without me?

    I won't mince words. If he is suffering from a clinical disorder, and doesn't get or accept professional help, his chances of leading a normal life are small. I can see that you feel guilty at the thought of leaving him to his own devices, but you cannot help him unless he wants to be helped. I guess the answer lies in the depth of your feelings for him. If life without him is imponderable, then tighten your belt, and dig in for a long hard struggle. Love is its own reward. But, if in some corner of your mind you regret marrying him and yearn for a normal existence, then the time to act is now. Listen to your family and end this relationship. Don't blame yourself and don't carry any guilt for making a choice 99 out of 100 people would make. Remember, even if you stay, you can't cure him. That is something only he can do for himself.


    2. If I divorce, will I be able to find another person to share my life with? Will I find love again? I never had a boyfriend before, I don't know any other man apart from my husband.

    Divorce is not the end of the road for anyone.

    3. If I want to live with him, then what should I do? I am expecting him to become normal again which is very low probability.


    If you want to live with him, then start taking concrete steps to change your situation. The first would be to make him get help. Whether it is through friends or family, convince him to see a doctor. I have linked some forums where you can share your case. Talking to other people in the same situation as yourself will not only help you cope better, but also provide you with insight and tools to support your husband. Having an external support system might be all that you need to develop the confidence required to redefine your marriage, and your expectations from it.

    Out of the FOG Forum - Index
    Paranoid Personality Disorder Forum - Psych forums


    Good luck!
     
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  6. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    surprising that u can not speak with ur huband for 4 months and still say that u r in love... don;t u see that u dont have a love life.. some one who is in love and mature relation will not be in ur situation(not speaking for 4 months)...

    anyways coming to the point.. there are many people who have divorced and found love and happiness in their lives.. so trust that u can survive if you leave ur husband..

    make sure ur DH is taking medication for his issues.. if not then u need to move out....
     

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