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Me... back again

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by diana, Sep 12, 2007.

  1. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Diana,

    I recently came across a technique to free ourselves from emotional stress from our daily life.

    I would suggest you to try this therapy on yourself and your husband and see if it is of any help to you.

    I am sending you the website by PM. Let me know if you have any questions or need any help in going about this.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I have read your threads several times. And to me it looks like several issues mixed together..
    You know what we complicate our married lives so much by bringing our hopes, dreams, ideals, realities alongwith those of our spouse.As a wife I totally understand your self-pity and sad thoughts. But dont you think there is still some willingness on your husband's part that he has still not taken the move of divorce or moving out. So with that premise , I would start by saying. You dont have to move out .. until he also chooses to end this marriage. That way you would save some guilt which you may feel after years of moving out. And you never know.. once in blue moon, good luck charm may smile on you.
    Now i saw many wise suggestion here. But no one told you to stop pitying yourself. You are one determined, successful woman.. Why should you pity yourself.. "No love" is better than "false love". So I would say, you are not in worst of the lot. Your husband just has some mental and personality issues to work out. And with patience and smartness you can help him come out of it.

    Now with this in mind.. I am going to ask you few questions...

    -- what is most important thing you think husband is not doing for you?
    -- His hatred of women, you have no control over it except just be good and let him heal himself.
    -- Someway or other point to him that True love never holds grudges and hates anyone.. Love is too great to cause bitterness in a person. So by holding bitter to his ex-love ..he s just depriving himself of other joys of lives.
    -- You need to just minimise ur interaction with him.. esp fight or arguments or any expectations..
    -- In span of 40 years if your husband doesnot behave as per ur wish for some 10 years.. is it too much for u.
    -- Try to figure what s giving u biggest sadness in heart.. his lack of love.. or his lack of respnsitbity in family ..or his egoistic behaviour.
     
  3. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    I think the root problem is -- there is no love. So even if your husband is very determined to be nice, he cannot do it for a longer time and returns to his natural self

    Now does that mean he wants to get rid of you -- No, he doesnt. He thinks he has made a compromise with life and accepted his fate and will continue to live the same way

    I bet according to him there is no problem in his married life.

    I know you think he hates his ex-gf, well his mind hates her for what she did, but his heart might be still in love with her. So he his mentally over her but not emotionally

    You may think I am talking some rubbish, but its from my own experience and hopefully it helps in making u better decisions

    Dont worry abt petty fights and issues, all those r the result of lack of love, if you can make him get over his past and start to love you all the fights and issues will be solved automatically or even if not solved will feel trivial

    Just my 2 cents
     
  4. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks friends,

    The truth is, payal has got the true reason. It is actually what is happening. According to him, there is no problem in his married life and like how his mother continued with the marriage, he expects the same with me. Since we were married we were like two different individual, very quiet or reserved. Slowly it was I who took the initiative, even when it came to sex. It was a cold war between us but since the last fight it has resulted in an outburst. The environment is not so good for our kids too.

    When I did leave the house and went n stayed in my sis plc, he didn’t call me back, his ego came in the way. Also it didn’t make any difference to him, cos he also knew the kind of behavior he kept with me would some day result in this.
    But then even if he did call me back it would only be bec
    • what would others think and
    • the responsibility of kids.
    As I said somewhr before I am a very quiet and patient person, it would take a lot of effort from others to make me angry. I really mean it. But my patience after 7 years has come to end. I feel miserable in this relation with him, and slowly am losing my love for him.

    One thing I do understand is, Men and Women are different and this has made me take this marriage ahead for the last 7 years.

    Replying to Ria’s questions:
    • Nothing till date. He just doesn’t exist when I need him.
    • its almost 7 years up, how many more years. Also I never remind him of his ex or anything related to his past. It was mentioned for IL friend’s information only.
    • That’s true. Y we pay for other’s deeds.
    • I never start nor take the arguments further. The thing is I have never seen my parents fight or did we when young (bros n sis) fought.
    • Seven is too much for me, and 10 well I will surely regret in the future that I didn’t move out when I had time. As I said before I don’t expect ‘I love u’ all the time or even a hug infront of others (incl kids) but I too wish for a moment which I can cherish the rest of my life. Somtime you need to know that you are a part of someone, and that the two of us are one. It is not so.
    • all three. It make me feel I don’t exist for him.
    Still for my kids (and also for my inlaws, who wil be more shocked, if I leave him) I would like to give another try, and would surely try to take outside help to make my marriage work. Will keep u all posted.

    It is said one person battle is the lesson to the other.

    Lots of love,
    Diana
     
  5. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    heyy !!!u dont have to really worry of the thing tht people are laerning from u rather feel better..ur situation and mine is nothing when compared to rest of the woman whoar eaffected more regarding love from husband...there are people who have lost their husband to anothr woman......so keep cool.................love alon ecan win....when one doesnt get down with lil love shower him more and mor....mak it lots mor fun...................
    regards
     
  6. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    Diana,

    Now that I know ur problem there are 2 options you have got

    a) Put up with him - he is not a bad guy, he doesnt hate you -- its just that he is cold and doesnt love you either. What is most important is you need to minimize the fights, and avoid them getting nasty

    In short, Agree to live like roommates and mind ur own business till the time he changes (which he may or may not)

    b) Get out of there - Now I know how difficult this is for you, bcoz whenever u plan to leave you will feel is living like roommates worse or living alone worse

    I think such decisions largely depend on how strong and supportive your parents are, if they dont care about the world and are strong enough to stand by you then option b works

    But if they are sensitive and concerned about society then things get very tough for you

    From your husbands prespective its a win-win situation for him

    a) If you stay .... you will cook for him and take care of his kids

    b) If you leave, he gets the sympathy of everyone coz apparently he didnt do anything wrong.

    I dont know if you ppl agree....I can go ON and ON, but dont want to bore everyone here.

    Thanks
     
  7. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    i dont feel poepl mit sympathise or will he be ready to seek sympathy as he is egoistic...it is just tht he doesnt know if love exist....thts all...he has never tasted love either form his previous partner or form his parenst ...this which our friend is trying to feed him....he needs some extra care and affection born out of not sympathy and duty but out of dignity and respect...inclusive of passion and .....
    cheers dear...love alone can win................
     
  8. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Just as I have mentioned in the beginning of this forum, I hv been and is still showering love to my husband, without getting any feedback from his side. As I also said that I don’t throw tantrums or start a fight, at the moment its still a cold war. Now after the fight he hates to c my face (tho I haven’t said or done anything bad to him), These days he is not there most of the time in the house and only comes home when its time for food and sleep. This is hurting me as I have been the one putting up with him and his moods. Gave him lovely kids and set his home. Thn y does he behave so?

    I am too much depressed these days and his behaviour is hurting a lot within, so finding it very difficult to cope with this new situation. Let me take some time and not make any hasty judgments. Like you all said, things doesn’t look like it will change but atleast I have about 6 months more (bec of kids school here) and then I can make my decision.

    One thing I can not understand is, y doesn’t husband understand the pain/need of his wife. Are they not been made of same blood n flesh? A woman leaves her home and starts life anew once she is married. A life of a woman is very difficult, but a man doesn’t understand (I wouldn’t say all, only a few do). Sometime she is even troubled by inlaws and the husband doesn’t stand for her, tho she feels, I know my husband is good but he doesn’t say anything when it comes to his parents, y not? Is she not a part of your family now? Many woman are troubled by the husband who drinks, doesn’t help and still behaves as the man of the house. Y?Men are really a difficult being to understand.

    Anyway, thanks again.

    Diana
     
  9. Neerjavakil

    Neerjavakil Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Diana

    I dont know what exactly is your situation but one thing that i would suggest you is this, keep calm Let him do what ever he wants to do You keep on doing your duties soon he will understand and come back to you

    with regards
    neerja
     
  10. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    It confuses me when someone advices you to be patient and keep giving him love...you have done that forever and it hasnt worked.

    Its a tough situation and I dont know if you will like what I say, but here is something you can think about.

    Move out (maybe temporarily) but WITHOUT getting into a fight. If you fight it becomes a matter of his ego and he does not bend

    If you move out with a good will and the right reasons, I think there is a chance he may feel he is wrong. Since his ego wont be hurt he will think more rationally. Tell him that you are moving out for his happiness so that u r not a burden on him anymore. Take good care of him as you always have and then move out . Thats the only way he will think about u, Men never realize your importance till the time you are gone.

    You can always return...dont close the door on yourself completely

    Finally the decison is yours ...i know its tough but .... "WHEN GOING GETS TOUGH, TOUGH GETS GOING"

    Again
    All the best
     

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