Me... back again

diana · Sep 13, 2007

Dear friends,

Thanks all (incl. Jaya) for your posts. I just came to work now and read through all your posts. Thanks for all your advises.

As I informed earlier, my hubby’s previous love had made him bitter towards women. He hates women like anything. I guess he would have been more happy if he was alone, without anyone or without responsibilities. This all seem like a burden to him.

Let me answer to Jaya’s questions:
1. After my marriage I happen to see him always away from me, we would never sit together or even gone on a honeymoon. Being newly married I too found going up to him myself, making the first move, too awkward, so used to wait when he would come to me. So you can guess sexual interact was too slow but yet I conceived. I was very happy but my hubby wasn’t. I felt maybe this kid will bring us together, as he has always been detached from me. We used talk only other matters related to house and fly and there is no romantic or lovey –dovey talks between us, neither earlier nor now.
2. No his earlier love is settled in her life and my hubby hates her like anything. So a contact is out of the question.
3. My elder son is my pet but my hubby is more inclined towards the daughter, at times I find a smile on his face when she speaks or dances. Tho he is loving towards the kids, but doesn’t take the initiative of taking any responsibility when it comes to looking after them or even taking them out. He stays out of all this.
4. At present none of my inlaws are here, a sister who is in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India </st1lace></st1:country-region>is not fond of me, as my mil n fil likes me alot. But then she is busy with her life. And as I said earlier that my inlaws have no problem with me.

As I had mentioned before that everything was turning good, then let me tell you why suddenly all things turned different.

At first my hubby was not happy with the new adjustments and then last week my hubby close friend visited us, he has been in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Kuwait</st1lace></st1:country-region> for sometime now. My hubby asked him to stay over for diner and ask me to prepare something nice for him. I didn’t mind. My daughter who was not keeping too well those days was troubling me in the kitchen, so I asked my hubby to look after her till I finish my cooking. Just this made him angry, tho I don’t remember telling him in harsh tone. After his friend left he started arguing and fighting with me, saying that I wanted to boast and show my importance infront of his friend. :idontgetit: I felt this very awkward. Tho i know this all is just an excuse.

So since then he just argues and fights and says for me ‘you wanted to go no, now go, I too don’t need you’. That’s it.
I don’t want to break my marriage and wish to make it work. But don’t know how??? I want to talk to him and know what went wrong? but what can i do when he is not ready to speak up. (Let me tell you, he is just like his father, his dad used to boast and show his importance to his mom, and so does he to me). He has lot of ego problem.

Any advice?
Diana

mithili · Sep 13, 2007

ego can be solved only with love................keep giving him the dose ....of love till he understands wome's love and affection..........try to keep calling him over mobile...keep sending love messages...(when u have thought of solving and keeping up the marriage there is no point to hold on to ur ego..tht everytime u ahev to take the action.)...dear....everywhile making it funny
may be 20 times a day....keep revolving around him every minute he is in home.........mak him feel ur love in every act u do to wards him....publicly shpowering affection also will do......u will win over ....it is very difficult to mage hubby who is egoistic...but u can do it..after all woman love is much more than any damn ego...:yes:

Shanvy · Sep 13, 2007

diana said: ↑

Dear friends,

Thanks all (incl. Jaya) for your posts. I just came to work now and read through all your posts. Thanks for all your advises.

As I informed earlier, my hubby’s previous love had made him bitter towards women. He hates women like anything. I guess he would have been more happy if he was alone, without anyone or without responsibilities. This all seem like a burden to him.

Let me answer to Jaya’s questions:
1. After my marriage I happen to see him always away from me, we would never sit together or even gone on a honeymoon. Being newly married I too found going up to him myself, making the first move, too awkward, so used to wait when he would come to me. So you can guess sexual interact was too slow but yet I conceived. I was very happy but my hubby wasn’t. I felt maybe this kid will bring us together, as he has always been detached from me. We used talk only other matters related to house and fly and there is no romantic or lovey –dovey talks between us, neither earlier nor now.
2. No his earlier love is settled in her life and my hubby hates her like anything. So a contact is out of the question.
3. My elder son is my pet but my hubby is more inclined towards the daughter, at times I find a smile on his face when she speaks or dances. Tho he is loving towards the kids, but doesn’t take the initiative of taking any responsibility when it comes to looking after them or even taking them out. He stays out of all this.
4. At present none of my inlaws are here, a sister who is in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India </st1lace></st1:country-region>is not fond of me, as my mil n fil likes me alot. But then she is busy with her life. And as I said earlier that my inlaws have no problem with me.

As I had mentioned before that everything was turning good, then let me tell you why suddenly all things turned different.

At first my hubby was not happy with the new adjustments and then last week my hubby close friend visited us, he has been in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Kuwait</st1lace></st1:country-region> for sometime now. My hubby asked him to stay over for diner and ask me to prepare something nice for him. I didn’t mind. My daughter who was not keeping too well those days was troubling me in the kitchen, so I asked my hubby to look after her till I finish my cooking. Just this made him angry, tho I don’t remember telling him in harsh tone. After his friend left he started arguing and fighting with me, saying that I wanted to boast and show my importance infront of his friend. :idontgetit: I felt this very awkward. Tho i know this all is just an excuse.

So since then he just argues and fights and says for me ‘you wanted to go no, now go, I too don’t need you’. That’s it.
I don’t want to break my marriage and wish to make it work. But don’t know how??? I want to talk to him and know what went wrong? but what can i do when he is not ready to speak up. (Let me tell you, he is just like his father, his dad used to boast and show his importance to his mom, and so does he to me). He has lot of ego problem.

Any advice?
Diana
Click to expand...

hi diana,

Looks more like a ego problem..does he think since you are going for a job ..you are showing that you are independent and that is not acceptable to his ego..most men like to show off that their wives are very submissive and attentive in front of their friends..a small word...could put a crack in their ego....
I am not saying that you were wrong in asking him to help...it is his taking that incident.....

Coming to the kids...some fathers are more inclined towards the daughter....you leave it for the time being...but from your point treat both equal dont show more to the son to compensate for the fathers'......

So your leaving before has hurt him....that is what is coming out in outbursts..atleast let him shout..so you know what is in his mind...then when he cools off put your points..let us see..

since it looks like he loves you people..and only lacks in expression...just give it a try once more...

Again, diana, we are all only trying to visualise what could be the problem, you are the one who is handling/tackling on a daily basis..so relax,analyse and then take a decision....

It is easy to break off....what if at a weak moment..you feel..if i had given ourselves one more chance...maybe maybe ..so for the sake of the if...maybe...

This is my opinion only....

imemyself · Sep 13, 2007

Dear Diana!
Thanks so much for answering my post!Atleast we cld just have an overview as to what is ur pblm...but as Shanthi mentioned we can only visualise ur pblm through these posts...and we r trying our best to help u!!!!!!!

So...according to ur reply to my post...The fact tht ur hubby is trying to get in touch wiht his previous affair is ruled out!

U seem to be really strong in making ur relationship work...!!!Good!
From the situations u have mentioned....I can mayb guess that .... Ur hubby in his inner mind does need u and his kids...But he is not ready to show that out!!!!!!
The reason is he has not understood the value of a family...!
U have to make him understand that!!!!!!!
Now...since ur ready to do anything to do make it work...I will just tell a few points and if it u find it will help u...then well and good!
1)Since ur hubby is egoistic...u shld make him feel and respect all his just actions and never give him a chance to complain.If u feel he is not right in somethin...don't say anything...Just be calm.
2)Keep mum if he tries to argue.\
3)Don't be behind him always...give him some space...! When u try to always be behind him...he might feel ur nagging him...! have u seen the movie 'Mitr'...This point..i learnt from that movie!!! When he sees ur not around all the time...at first he might feel happy that ur not troubling him...but then he will begin to miss it...!!!!
4)Since u said u can see a smile on his face when he sees ur daughter...y not try to make her close to him...In the sense u told he rages when u ask him to take care of the kids...Instead y not make ur daughter want for her father.Like make ur daughter sit and talk with him indirectly(i.e ur hubby shld not know that u r pushing her)...and if he tries to argue over that...then just tell him calmly...that u can understand him but the little one is too young to understand and tell him that a daughter always wants to be close with the father...and ask him how to make her understand...Let him deal that...but be diplomatic when saying that so that ur hubby is not hurt!!!
5)In one of the mails in this forum...an ILite had written abt Golden Rules required for marriage and one of the Rule says " If you feel that your husband is not taking care of the kids and you are overloaded just drop everything and 'become' sick for a day. You will be surprised how well your husband can take care of things around the house. They are just lazy and know that they have a choice. If they don't do it you will. But when you crash he will rise to the occasion. This is 100% true. Everything has to be learnt. Soon your kid may want dad for certain things and you will be more relieved"
Y not try this out!!! Please ...ther is nothing wrong in acting....to make things better...!
Do something or the other and become sick....dont stop with a head ache or pain...! Try something else which will make ur hubby feel for u...and try to help...
But one important thing...Don't try this right away!
Wait...first ease the atmosphere at home and try to make the first 4 points i mentioned work....!

To make all this happen what u need is a strong desire to have a happy family and u do love him a lot...and the pblm with him is he is not realising the worth of ur love....!
Have patience and pls keep praying to God and give him less chances to complain and next time he says u to leave the house...then tell him in a very sentimental tone that the previous time u left the house...u missed him a lot..and u don't want to do that again and just say Sorry!!!And tell him that u love him!!!!!! Please say out these things....then only he will slowly change...!
And pls dress up and be beautiful to his eyes always...!!

Hope this helps u...!

Love,
Jaya

imemyself · Sep 13, 2007

Hi diana!
I forgot to mention one thing....I mentioned that u shld not go behind him all the time...give him some space...but u shld see to it that he gets all his needs done. His food habits...make his fav dishes...and see that his needs are not left...But don't wait for a word from him..do it as a dedicated wife...u may have to slog for all this to happen..But since u love him a lot...I gues u will b strong enough to do all this...
Infact...even i have some issues in my married life...probably i can draw inspiration from u !!!!
But always keep prayin to God...U will definitely pass this exam conducted by God.Since i am a strong believer in God I am mentioning this.

Love,
Jaya

diana · Sep 15, 2007

Thanks Jaya and others too for your replies and suggestions. Like I said once before that I am a God-fearing person and I don’t believe in divorce so I really want my marriage to work. But I guess things doesn’t look that way.

Let me tell u somthing about my husband’s habits n behavior in detail. He is a vry conservative person, he speaks less n is a home person. He prefers being home thn going anywhr. Whn I got married my mil told me about all his likes, dislikes n his mood. If something didn’t go accrdng to his way, he would just go out of the house but would nevr shout at his mother, though even this would make her worry about him. I learnt all the food he likes to prepare just like my mil. He is a person who likes everythng to be perfect. If the food cooked is not good he will just push the plate away, but now since the arguments he says it aloud. The house should be spic and span or he would grumble. Morning I prepare his tiffin for him and do all his work like I/mil used to do. So I said he has no complaints agnst me whn it comes to any house work. But I need his support atleast to look after kids while I do my work. Before in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> I had support from my inlaws regarding house work or taking care of kids. But I find this very difficult here. Still I try the most to do everything in my best possible way.
Being a sportmans (plays football) he has lots of male friends and he likes to be more with men. I many times tell him in a nicer way to take our son with him, so that he too would learn to play like him, he refuses. Once in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> whn our son was 3 yrs old he had taken him out for a stroll and while he was chatting with a friend, our son went behind a stray dog and he almost lost him, since then he is afraid to take kids anywhr by himself. Before marriage, he would give all the salary to his mom, but after marriage he started giving in my hand, wth that he gives all the responsibilities to me n washes his hands over all his duties.

As you said try to act as you are sick, once after coming here I fell very sick, as I m not used to the airconditioning, I got too much cold and was down with fever, the whole day he grumbled askng whr is this n how to do this n by the end of it I had to get up n do things myslf. So you see, how it is with him. I feel one should not express his love by saying ‘I love you’ all the time, but his behaviour should make you feel he loves you. In my case it is not so. Nothing of his shows that he loves me.

What I really need is a hubby who is there for me in need who cares for me and the kids. Who is not only home but also is home with his family. Am I asking too much??:icon_frown:

One thing, i havent seen 'Mitr' is it a hindi movie? I can undrstand english and hindi movies only (im a christian).

Diana

imemyself · Sep 15, 2007

Dear Diana!
I read through your reply and I feel that, like an ILite already mentioned, ur hubby is not ready to take responsibility and wants u to handle everything and at the same wants to feel like he is the most important person!!

Well...I think this cld be either due to his careless and irresponsbile character or cld be a show that he is putting up in front of you!!!

So..You have 2 choices Diana!
1)Either be patient enough to take in what he is doing and slowly try to change him..like..when the kids grow up and are able to understand things a bit then they can demand from their father what they want.His reaction can either be submissive towards the kids or he can throw that anger also at you!Its unpredictable..!
As I mentioned the reason he is like this cld be due to his careless and irresponsible character or cld be he is trying to put an act since one woman cheated on him,he doesnt want the other to take him for a ride!!
If it is the first reason I mentioned then...I don't think u can see a change unless some professional help is given.
If the reason is the second one....then I am sure ur patience and love can win over him..!!!

2)The second way to get him right cld be u becoming a bit strict/strong..U can put it either way.
That is u have to be cut and right and u have to tell him and try to make him understand that u r not able to handle everyhting!!!if he says u to leave him then u shld have the guts to leave giving a very valid reason that the mistake is from his side.And when i say leave him...it is just temporary.Move over to ur sisters place or a good friend of urs with ur kids/leave ur kids with him.
Take a chance...life is full of risks and when ur in such a situation where u don't know what to do..then nothign wrong in taking a chance!
His reaction to u leaving the home can come in different ways.
Either he will sit over and think and if he did love u or atleast had a soft corner for u...then definitley he will realise his mistake and u will patch up.
If his irresponsible nature makes him feel that he was always right and u were the one who did all the wrong then probably ur relationship might end there....But atleast u will be free from a burden...Yes! I will definitley call it a burden if u have to carry a relationship where the man doesnt have a % of care and love for u.And u wld have been carrying the relationship just because it came through a ritual called MARRIAGE.
I do understand that u want to live with him but what is the point when there is no response from his side...rather I wld say he doesnt want to!!!!
May b u cld try taking a professional help.Ur hubby might not consent to this..But u can go alone without his knowledge and see if it helps!There r other Ilites in Kuwait who can help u with this!!!

But let me tell u one thing...If he is too adamant....pls dont carry this burden....Ur kids need a good father and if he not able to be like tht...then it is enough if they have an excellent and loving mom!!! I am sorry to say this dear,but as i said...try to evaluate y he is like this and try all possible means to get him back and only once u realise that it is not possible then dont waste this one life God has given u by trying to mould a person who just wont budge!!!

'Mitr' is an Indian English movie.It is just abt adjustments within the couple in their life abroad.

Love,
Jaya

diana · Sep 16, 2007

Dear Jaya,

Thanks for taking all the patience in going through my thread and giving your valuable suggestions. And I find myself very lucky to have found this website whr woman shoulder each other’s problems and help in as much possible way.
<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Reading</st1lace></st1:City> somewhr in IL I even purchased ‘Men from mars…’ book and made it work. Once about 5 yrs back a friend had lend me a book, I don’t remember the name, whr it said not to cling to husband and try as much to go on opp way, in turn he will be back to u, wondering y he is avoided. I tried this too on him, but sad nothing worked. Looking into all this I should have thought long back that things wouldn’t work whn there is no love from him. But it was me who always thought, y shouldn’t I give it a try.

But now it seems my married life has come to the end of the road.:icon_frown: Anyway I think I should take the initiative of moving out. And the best would be without kids. Bec if I take the kids, he will think that someday I wil come back, so wouldn’t try from his side. But if I move out alone, thn he would atleast worry that I may start life anew, and if this still doesn’t make it work thn its better to be away from him for good. Bec this marriage doesn’t make me feel like a wife, but a housemaid.

Anyway I appreciate your thought and kind help, it really did help me look into my life in a better way.

Thanks once again.

Diana

P.S. Does anyone in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Kuwait</st1lace></st1:country-region> knows whr I can go for a professional help in this case.

imemyself · Sep 17, 2007

Dear Diana!
My prayers are there with u always..!! Don't worry!
Whatever decision ur taking,I am sure u have tried the maximum to make everyhtin better in ur life and ur taking this decision after extreme thght and action! So don't worry abt the outcome...! If ur moving out ,then have a talk to ur hubby, the last resort to work out things...but if it is not working out...then go ahead....God will b there with u and ofcourse our prayers!
And u can put ur query regarding the proffesional help u need in another forum 'Indians in Kuwait'. Pls put ur query there...to ensure immediate response!

Love,
Jaya

Meeta · Sep 17, 2007

Hi Diana,
I had been reading your thread from the starting where u had the problem and then the happiness came back to your life and again the same situation.
I am not a person who can advice sth to you but I would like you to suggest sth here.
Some of the ILites are suggesting you to move out temporarily leaving your kids with your hubby, I think this may be a disaster.
I wish nothing wrong should happen but if sth happens, you know you are only person going to suffer and your kids are next to you in this list.
If your financial condition is very good, then try to admit your kids (son as he is elder) to a Boarding school and take your daughter with you. NEVER LEFT YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM YOU.
In the future, your kids may misunderstand you if things goes out of hand or sth wrong happens.
Taking chance is OK, but not at the risk of you and ur kids.
If you plan to leave your hubby any time, just do a very small thing.
Mail all these IL suggestions and your plight to him or better take a hardcopy and keep ot somewhere so that he can have a chance to read it.
Even you can do it now so that he will know that you are in a desparate situation but still you love him.
Just try this out and please let us informed abt the results.
Take care.