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Married with Children

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Anandchitra, Apr 3, 2013.

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  1. indigirl

    indigirl Senior IL'ite

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    Very nice thread Anandchitra. For me, I have stayed at home until my DD turned one and a half.
    I was really excited to be joining my work again. And I feel I am a more happy mom these days. We both till now manage to spend quality time although limited. But, I think the situation will change when she starts going to school and needs more of my presence. I might opt to stay at home that time.
     
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  2. nitya1980

    nitya1980 Silver IL'ite

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    Nice post Op,
    I am also in the same boat as you. Left my well settled job for the sake of raising my DS.Although during pregnancy thought to leave him in daycare/nanny after parents leave, but wasn't able to do it when the day came. Couldn't imagine leaving my baby in someone else arms, kind of felt daycares as orphanage( sorry if i hurt someonce feelings here, but it was how i felt),, anyway i am glad i stayed home, some how i feel my son looks happy than his counterparts who go to daycare( and then this is my experience, i might not have seen all billion kids out there),, he is never frustrated even when tired(ofcourse he is not angel) but definitely there is some kind of peace in him, which i think came out of all the attention, love and caring from parents.
    Anyway coming back to myself,, i worked for about 8/9 years before leaving, and we were financially well settled, husband in very good position. Ofcourse back on the day i left my job, my salary definitely made a dent on savings, still we didn't care, son came first. Ofcourse friends/relatives did ask, may not be to the extent of how others described, as b'coz may be they know we r well settled etc etc,, what i experienced was different,, my friends were giving reasons for them not leaving their jobs to raise kids, like my husband said no, will loose work permit, can't afford etc etc,,, i was thinking, why are they giving explainations to me, i didn't ask them, why they didn't leave their jobs,, its their choice,, after a while some of them started feeling jeolous, and started passing comments indirectly like "your dad will give you that/this" ,,,as my parents were well off in india, they started thinking , may be thats why i left job.. But reality was no matter what i would have left job, with or without savings. Its not like i will get my dad's money to US. Kudos to all those moms who had guts to leave their jobs, and kudos to all moms who are managing work and home.
    We all have our own preferences based on our experience and capacity. So lets not put others down, as everyone has some reason or other to take a decision. Neither staying home is laziness nor working is a previlage or vice versa. Feel free to feel sorry for those who are trying to find reasons for others decisions, and trying to put others down as they couldn't kind the reason, which is reasonable for them :)
     
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  3. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Well said Nitya....

     
  4. rohinipriya21

    rohinipriya21 Silver IL'ite

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    liked the post, i'm also having 2 months old baby gal n toddler son .but financial commitments will not allow u to stay indoor.Asking/taking help should not effect u.u r answerable for ur life,kids.so this shud not effect us.
     
  5. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    People judge me when I tell them I am a stay at home mom. I don't see anything wrong with that. My sibling leaves her kid my parents / in laws. So I feel that people do tend to look down upon the fact that I don't work. I don't have the luxury of parents or inlaws support 24*7.

    But I am proud of what I do. I manage my home and child entirely on my own. I am glad I don't depend on anyone.
     
  6. ilovesai

    ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I am a parent too, but I strongly feel that the woman of the family should work and financially independant even if she does or doesn't have children. I was raised by a mom, who was a home-maker throughout her life.. I was happy as a child as my mom was a home-maker.. However, when my dad passed away, my mom had to depend on her siblings to bring us up and educate us. It was very tough, since she had to keep asking to some one or other, and I couldn't do my engineering or a master degree.. I was pushed to an arts college just because there was no one willing to spend on me because my mom's siblings had their own sons and daughters who were also of my age..

    Although, my mom's siblings, including her sisters all of them were working and my mom was the only one who chose to be a home-maker with 3 kids. She used to regret her decision and she kept telling me when you grow up, make sure you work and be independent and be a good provider for your children and family.

    Life is not always rosy..
    I started to work when my youngest kid was 3, (because I was on H4, I couldn't work before).. But the moment I got my work permit, I tried hard and got into a job. I am so happy about my decision, because I am able to send my kids to full time preschool and my kids are more happy and disciplined than when they were at home. My son learnt to eat by himself, knows manners and learnt to share. I have put them in the best school in the city, which I couldn't afford when I was a home-maker.. The moment we come back home (kids and me), we have so much fun. I read to them, take them out to the play area, buy surprise gifts, go long drives in the weekends and enjoy eating out with them..

    I love to work and I tell my daughter that its very important to be working and financially independent and I raise her that way..

    Some one said, leaving a kid in day care is like leaving them in orphanage.. Its not so.. It really depends on the day care that you send them to.. I feel I didn't give so much care and attention when compared to day care.. Because in day care, they practice routine, feed kids on time, make them sleep on time and they don't yell at them and teach them manners and sharing, which never happens when they were at home with me.. Because as a mom of multiple kids, I lose my temper and yell at them, never had time (when I was a home-maker).. Now I too get to relax at office, hang out with friends and come back home happy and have fun with my kids..

    I would always suggest a woman should be working, no matter whether you have kids or not.. You are not going to be a bad mom just because you go to work.. You can always spend quality time with your child, even if you are working.. It doesn't mean your child will love you less just because you go to work.. If you can put them in a good school and manage to spend quality time with your child, that is the best gift that you can give to your child as a mom..
     
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  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    ilovesai, I am totally floored by your post and faced something v v similar in life.
    My parents belonged to super-rich families from sprawling bunglows.... educated but chose to DEDICATE their life for their kids and rest could be adjusted in whatever they had (they actually never realised what they had... until my dad was ousted from family property by his step mom in our teens-colleage entry)... ok everything went well AS PER THEM.. we both were toppers... well grommed, habits, extra carriculars etc etc... but this world and relationship (esp marriage) runs on many more things than what parents simply assume...

    In my life, I paid a heavier price than my brother... hence he still feels that he din't produce kids to be raised by servants but I tell him I din't marry and produce kids to be turned into a servant... great that you're not at total recieving end to listen to your heart.

    What funtime can you spend with children if you don't have help in spouse or hire or free money from your movable/ non-movable assets/ husb... and you have every joint paining after slogging from morn to night....... and still being compared at the EOD how well their SAHM did during their time... isn't the whole idea of BEST motherhood defeated....

    Whatever mode one selects... one has to be really balanced.... also I really don't agree when someone STRONGLY believes in what an ideal mother should be doing.... they talk about giving choice to thier DD or DIL (it seldom works).... cos the STRONG thoughts become a part of YOU... you continue to justify for the rest of the life.... CHOICES you MADE.
     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    If you think leaving your kid at daycare is like leaving him at the orphanage, its because you didnt find a right daycare.

    I really held myself back a lot but simply couldn't take this comment as I had a row with a good friend of mine because she pretty much told me what you are saying here. You cannot be judgmental and then clear the air saying everyone has their own reasons to take decisions in the same breath.

    It saddens me when I see someone say this because as a mom we put a lot of effort into even choosing a day care, some of the tips are below:

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/infants/174261-tips-choosing-day-care-toddlers.html

    I didnt mean to deviate the topic or hurt anyone but just putting it out there as I see some moms not choosing to leave their kids at daycare, because they didnt find the right one.
     
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  9. nitya1980

    nitya1980 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I think few moms out there got offended by the word "orphanage" ,, i wrote there itself ,its my personal feeling, and i apologized there itself, I will apologize again, again i expressed what i feel, not to offend someone else,, may be others experience is different, not everyone would feel same about a particular thing. What might be good to me ,might not look good to you and vice versa". Its not like i didn't find right daycare etc etc,, I saw all kinds of them, high end daycares, home day cares, nanny etc etc all kinds interviewed "n" number of people. At the end thats what i felt, no substitute for mom. Even Doctors say ,if you can afford to stay home, all babies deserve their moms at least until they are ready to go to Preschool(at least my doctor advised this, also if you read parenting books , its written everywhere),, i will say once they hit 2.5/3 ,they should go to pre-k. But when they are infants/toddlers they deserve mom in first place.
    When i was leaving my job, i felt bad(why me), but my parents and DH begged me, especially my mom(who from my childhood taught me to be financially independent) to stay home with baby, now few years down the line, i think thats the best decision i ever made.
    Also i can give "n" number of my life experiences for the feelings i have, same way like few ladies gave their life experiences as the reason for working.
    The whole point here is we take decisions based on our experiences and feelings, which are unique to each person.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2013
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  10. prettywoman1

    prettywoman1 New IL'ite

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    That was a very mean comment to make regarding day-cares !! If you feel you should apologise for something you said, right in the very next line, why say that ? You can think whatever you want about working moms but comparing day-cares with orphanages was way out of line, IMO.
    And I know some SAHM whose kids are unruly and undisciplined and some working moms whose kids are really well-behaved and vice-versa.So it all depends on how good a mother someone is.
    And working mothers don't work 24/7. They have all the evening and weekends to spend with their kids. I am a working mom myself and after I am back from work, I spend my entire time with my daughter. I have a domestic help who comes in the evening to do light kitchen/house work so that I dont have to bother about these at all. I wouldn't have been able to efford it in the US if I wasn't working.
    I was at home for sometime when my daughter was born and I hardly used to get any time after fininshing all the chores for house and the baby. So I am not sure how much more time(as compared to a working mom ) a SAHM would get to spend playing with the kids after taking care of all the house work and maintaining kids schedule.
    I totally agree with Rakhii on finding the right day-care. My daughter is such a happy kid since she has started going to the day-care. She loves going there as she gets to play with kids of her age, gets to do all sorts of activities like coloring, crafts, music class etc. and she has gotten into a proper schedule of eating/sleeping/playing.
    Sorry for the long post gals but just couldn't hold myself after reading the orphanage comment.
     
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