Married with Children

Anandchitra · Apr 3, 2013

Disclaimer : This will be moderated and only friendly discussions allowed.
Exchange of ideas and opinions only in a polite manner.
When rules are not followed the moderator will have to take action.
Nothing written here is meant to hurt anyone so kindly do not take it personally.
In this day and age I am sure we can all engage in interchange of opinions in a mature and friendly manner.

Laura Schlessinger is Radio show host, T.V program host author and so much more, very controversial woman. I first heard her on the radio around maybe 10 years back. The moment I heard for less than few minutes I stopped what I was doing and thanked God.
I finally found someone else who thinks like me and I am not the only one who thinks the way I do.
She also advocated to not work outside the home when the baby is born up until the baby goes to school and even then only part time. No wonder she is so controversial.
Even before I heard her I was doing EXACTLY that.
In my generation it was the most fashionable thing to go to work. Most of our mothers stayed at home so almost all of us girls growing up had this fetish to go to work.
Unlike others though I quit my job when I had a child. I absolutely wanted to raise my child and never once thought I should leave the child to an ayah or nanny.
I also was hesitant to leave my child with mother and motherin law because my mtherin law raised 5 of her grandchildren till they were 6 years old and I saw the strain in puts on a grand parent.
Naturally I became the center of controversy. My mother openly accused me of being lazy and so did my mother in law though subtly. All other women who worked with me and I thought friend looked down their noses at me and turned back side.
I really did not get it. Why should others be offended to the decision I make?
I could clearly see and I mean CLEAR that I am the person to raise my own child.
Now what others do is their business and their life. However in my life I am adamant when it comes to defending my choice and extremely brave to stand up for what I believe in.
Tomorrow when my child gets married and decides to leave their kid at day care I will not say a thing. It does not matter to me what decisions others make but absolutely matters that I live my life with my set of principles and standards.
Now this raising my child by myself I did not learn it from a book or t.v.
I JUST KNEW IT !
No other way to say it but just knew it from the bottom of my heart. There are many instance when I just knew it, like walking away from a abusive work environment and standing up for abused women and children.I have zero tolerance for abuse. At times like these I feel within me a courage and bravery I never knew I had.
Exchange of ideas and opinions welcomed in a friendly manner.

nicegirlradhi · Apr 3, 2013

Hi AC,

I appreciate your personal decision to not work after delivery. And there is nothing wrong in either your decision or in your post. Full credit to you for doing what you believe is right.

But then, there is a difference between ADVOCATING the principles one believe and JUDGING other people when they dont follow what was ADVOCATED/BELIEVED by others. I think as a society there needs to be fine line drawn and let others take decision without judging them.

If that is what your posts says....i totally agree with you.:thumbsup

Anandchitra · Apr 3, 2013

Thank you for the comment

For me in real life judging someone else and their decisions lifestyle etc is Strict No no;
Here online when we write something it need to be quickly inferred as passing judgement
Like i said tomorrow daughter or daughterin law or whoever else choose to do something else I will only be supportive
I had an arranged marriage but i already told kid I am not going to do any arranging; That too is contradictory if you see it that way; Does it mean I dont care; certainly not; I care however its their responsibility;

Thanks again for helping me voice my opinion and let me hear yours

nicegirlradhi said: ↑

Hi AC,

I appreciate your personal decision to not work after delivery. And there is nothing wrong in either your decision or in your post. Full credit to you for doing what you believe is right.

But then, there is a difference between ADVOCATING the principles one believe and JUDGING other people when they dont follow what was ADVOCATED/BELIEVED by others. I think as a society there needs to be fine line drawn and let others take decision without judging them.

If that is what your posts says....i totally agree with you.:thumbsup
Click to expand...

nicegirlradhi · Apr 3, 2013

Anandchitra said: ↑

Thanks again for helping me voice my opinion and let me hear yours
Click to expand...

sure AC. Have no fear.

IL is a forum which is primarily for us women to share our views. I think every one of us has our own thoughts and right to post what we think is right... not intruding other women personal space.

DinkyManoj · Apr 3, 2013

Hi!

I absolutely accept with your choice, cos it's your life and you get to live only once, so if not for your baby then for whom? I am also very proud to say that i am also doing the exact same thing with my angel baby gal only a mother can take at most care for their baby....
So go ahead and enjoy each and every second watching your baby grow!

Regards
Dinky

TimidlyConfidnt · Apr 3, 2013

Anandchitra said: ↑

Thank you for the comment

For me in real life judging someone else and their decisions lifestyle etc is Strict No no;
Here online when we write something it need to be quickly inferred as passing judgement
Like i said tomorrow daughter or daughterin law or whoever else choose to do something else I will only be supportive
I had an arranged marriage but i already told kid I am not going to do any arranging; That too is contradictory if you see it that way; Does it mean I dont care; certainly not; I care however its their responsibility;

Thanks again for helping me voice my opinion and let me hear yours
Click to expand...

AC,

I applaud your decision for staying at home for raising your child....its a tough choice but natural for some. I stayed home for 1.5 years for my DD and even when I started working, it was 3 days a week because I didn;t want to send her full time. DS started of daycare, again 3 days at 6 months.

What rubbed most people wrong way (including me) was how the statement was worded - Don't have kids if you dont want to raise them... or to that effect. That immediately sounds judgmental. Reading your op, it definitely doesn't seem that was your intention but then in online forums, words are what we have to go by, we can't see the expressions, body language and gestures.

Dinny · Apr 3, 2013

Anandchitra said: ↑

Unlike others though I quit my job when I had a child. I absolutely wanted to raise my child and never once thought I should leave the child to an ayah or nanny.
I also was hesitant to leave my child with mother and motherin law because my mtherin law raised 5 of her grandchildren till they were 6 years old and I saw the strain in puts on a grand parent..
Click to expand...

AC right now i am feeling what you felt for that Radio host then.And i can so sooo relate to what you have said here.I am doing what you have already done...I was married within months after completing my college and then my baby was born.I didnt have the chance to have the so called job experience except for the few months that i got while i was expecting my baby.And when my son joined preschool i started doing occassional corporate trainings but timings were such that i reached home before my son got back home...no maids and no day cares.Fortunately my family(ILs and my own parents)have supported me...may be because they know that i wont have it any other way...
Many so called relatives ask me "ohh so you do a part time job"....Obviously with a little sarcasm in it ..they have ways to show me i am inferior to them...i dont care because like them i work 9-5 with my project engineer but from HOME...
Sometimes when i see my friends on FB posting their pics with colleagues or say their marriage photos...i wonder god did i miss something??(with little jealousy of course)...but then i am sure years later when i will look back at the decisions i have made i will never be guilty of not giving time to my family when they needed it most...

AC you decided to choose your family over your career ...kudos to you!!
Women like you are my inspiration...muuahh

Anandchitra · Apr 3, 2013

Thank you so glad you stepped in to share

DinkyManoj said: ↑

Hi!

I absolutely accept with your choice, cos it's your life and you get to live only once, so if not for your baby then for whom? I am also very proud to say that i am also doing the exact same thing with my angel baby gal only a mother can take at most care for their baby....
So go ahead and enjoy each and every second watching your baby grow!

Regards
Dinky
Click to expand...

Anandchitra · Apr 3, 2013

Thank you for sharing your view in an excellently worded manner.

The thing about making any decision is we have to listen to EVERYONE around telling us their opinions. Most of these opinions tend to slant towards the opposite of what we do and we can get tired trying to explain our point of view.
Even if we do not explain it to the whole world we certainly need to with close family. I admire how you have worked out your situation ;

TimidlyConfidnt said: ↑

AC,

I applaud your decision for staying at home for raising your child....its a tough choice but natural for some. I stayed home for 1.5 years for my DD and even when I started working, it was 3 days a week because I didn;t want to send her full time. DS started of daycare, again 3 days at 6 months.

What rubbed most people wrong way (including me) was how the statement was worded - Don't have kids if you dont want to raise them... or to that effect. That immediately sounds judgmental. Reading your op, it definitely doesn't seem that was your intention but then in online forums, words are what we have to go by, we can't see the expressions, body language and gestures.
Click to expand...

TimidlyConfidnt · Apr 3, 2013

I have felt the "warmth"...not heat ... the other way. I was judged for leaving my kids and working part time - by my dad and my in laws. But ultimately it was our decision( (DH and I)...thank god for screwing up DH's head on his shoulder :bowdown

I will go back to being part time in couple of years because I want to their for my kids when get back from school, be instrumental in how their personality shapes, the security of having parent around, the extra circular opportunities they need to grow. At the same time I want to have some kind of career for myself - being part time gives me the balance I need and want.

Last weekend, I was visiting my cousin and I just happened to mention I will go part time when DH graduates....he went like no one should not give up career and be self made ... yada yada.... (his wife is doc)....I was like when did I say I was quitting - in my head... Didn't explain to him because I didn't want to give any reason to him. Jab miya bibi raazi ... tab kya karega kaazi... maaji.... darzi or who ever