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Married life is a roller coaster

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by apsbask, Apr 15, 2010.

  1. apsbask

    apsbask Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have the same problems as others and I want to dump it here because I need some advice. I got married in May 2008. My MIL is a widow and I was very sympathetic to her till she started creating problems for me. MIL likes being frank and open about everything. She never tries to say something indirectly. For eg one when I cut my hair(with DH's permission) and went to show her, she said "I will not look at you. Only ladies who have lost their husband cut their hair and that hasn't happened to you yet."

    That November DH had to leave for Europe and I was supposed to follow after a few months. Within a span of one month her behavior turned so bad that I got severe acidity and palpitations(PCOS). When I went to my parents house for treatment, she called my parents to her house and complained about how bad I am and in the end told my father " my son is not the type who gives divorce". She also told my dad not to send me back and asked him to send me to Europe straight from my parent's place. DH was not ok with that and asked me to return. 2 days after I came back to in-law's place, the "incident" took place. She came to hit me for taking Kerala medicine!!! I couldn't understand head or tail of what she talking about so I walked out and was waiting for my parents to come and pick me up. By this time, she called up my parents and Dh and told them that I went to hit her, shouting her name loudly and all of a sudden, I ran into the room, got my purse and ran out of the house. I just couldn't believe it!!! Dad told her that since both are emotional now, we will deal with it some other day. For now I am taking my daughter home with me. LAt them both cool downa nd will see what we can do about this. I went to stay with my parents. Things took a turn for th worse when DH chose to believe her and asked me to apologize. I was shattered that he would something like this from me. I told him, at least for my sake , tell me once that you believe me and I will apologize. I went through hell every saturday and sunday because he would call up and say something hurtful. He would talk to my dad for hours together and speak to him sweetly and then call me up and point out mistake in my dad's conversation with him. Months went by and one day he said " I believe you". I decided I will apologise because I just couldn't see my entire family suffering and I too was just fed up with this mental torture. Mom and dad had lost almost 10 kgs and both looked old. They were always thinking about my future. I even thought of divorce but I knew it wouldn't end soon and my dad was already 60 and I felt he did not deserve so many problems at that age. Throughout all of this, my entire family was angry that we were being put through this.

    When I told my parents and brother that I am going to apologize, they were silent for a minute and my brother asked if i have thought about the pros and cons. I said yes. He said " You know that the minute you decide that enough is enough, you can simply walk out of that house and enter here and we will be here for you. I and my wife will support you and get you married again. You know that right?" I said I know that. I was touched. I went to apologize, but I didn't want anyone to come with me and go through that humiliation. My dad refused to listen to me. He said " Throughout this marriage, I have seen a strong willed lady emerge out of an innocent girl. I have seen my girl go through each and every problem patiently and intelligently. You have a strong will and you are bold. Today your husband and MIL are making you bow down and stoop to this level. I want to see this day because in a few short years I am going to see her stand straight and proud and rule that house. I know she will do it." I cannot say how much courage I got from him that day. My mom is always emotional , so she can never say something coherently when she is crying or laughing. We left for my in-law's house. She made me say what all mistakes I had done and made me apologize for each one of them. After that, somehow we were relieved that a major hurdle was crossed. I started calling her up twice a week and she stopped mentioning about this after a few calls. I left for Europe in May.

    When I saw him for the first time in the airport, I felt different. I loved him yes, but in my heart, I was a little distant and watchful. He acted as if nothing happened. I knew that he would raise this topic and was kind of prepared for it but I wasn't prepared for the time he chose because we had just been intimate and I was about to sleep. I was also not prepared for the onslaught of accusations. He had things to complain about events which happened during the first few days of marriage when i was still adjusting to a new life. He said so many thing about my parents. I was heartbroken after seeing the vehemence with with he spoke about them and me and I felt there was absolutely no point in continuing to argue. I simply listened to him, crying all the time. After he finished, I said I wanted to be left alone for sometime but he wouldn't listen. He wanted to sleep hugging me!!! I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't sleep the entire night. Somehow, like all arguments, thing settled down bit and normal life continued. I don't know how to describe those six months I stayed there. We would argue everyday but I was also smiling most of the time. He never gave me money. Even if he did give money, he would ask for bills for everything and then tally the remaining money and say "get me your purse, I want to count how much you have". He would refuse 50 cents for chocolates!!! I used to feel so bad when I went for shopping with the other wives because I never had money and I would be the only one not buying anything. they thought I was stingy. I did not tell anyone about this but one day one of his friends advised him to give me some money. I made a bargain with him at the same time. I said if you give me 50 euros, I will manage with less money for monthly provisions. He said ok. Life was pretty good after that till MIL came to stay with us.

    The house we were staying in was pretty small. One living room, bathroom and bedroom. The only thing between the living and bedroom was the bathroom. DH insisted on being intimate with the door open!!! I was shocked but I agreed most of the time because I didn't want to spoil the no-arguments phase we were in. It was horrible but i said absolutely no to sex when his brother came to stay with us and Dh still insisted that the door should be open. MIL kept complaining that I haven't conceived yet and you all know how irritating that can be. In between all this DH started comp laing about my PCOS. Even though he knew about it before marriage itself, he insisted that I did not tell him and that he felt cheated. two months passed and I cannot tell you how relieved I was to reach India.

    From the day that I have come here, MIL has established her dominance again and things are the same as before but one thing has changed...me. I deal with things then and there and don't tell DH everything. I don't get easily worked up either. MIl is still behind me, asking me all the time why I haven't become pregnant and even suggested DNC. I said no way. DH keeps complaining that i don't do anything for improving my condition. He says this inspite of me walking for half an hour and being busy through out the day. My parents are relieved that i am happy but they are also irritated about MIL pressurizing be about kids. She complains every time they call. Every time they come here, they invite DH and MIL for dinner or lunch. Dh says sure in front of them but then never goes to visit them. I just hope that he goes to my parents to just break the ice. Nowadays this is the only thing I am thinking about. We may have to go back to Europe again in July and I want him to do something before that. I can't see my parents disappointed and I can't talk about this to DH also. I don't know how to convince him. I am also looking for a job as a graphic designer so that I can be away from the house and also have some money of my own when I go back to Europe.

    Am I dealing this the right way? Any suggestions how to deal with DH?
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    It looks me your husband not a great person either.How do you feel overall about your husband if you take out your MIL from picture.
    Lof ot marraige will have money battle.Even iyou start earning waht is the gurentee that you would get your freedom?
    I know even you divorce and get married there will be another battle ready to deal with it.I feel you handled very well until now.
    But this is what I feel.Typically lot of women who lost ther husband will have depression and lot of times in india people unable to treat it.Becuase they didn't know that some one will have depression.
    It looks to me your MIL is suffering from something(because when she saw came to hit then something not right there).
    What are the chances you have to get her tested?If you want to get tested then you need handle this situation very carefully.
    But I beleive she may get better if she get proper medical help.
    Does your husband had any other siblings?
     
  3. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi apsbask
    I was appalled to read your post....at least in a roller coaster you have some fun...I am wondering what are you hanging onto and more importantly...Why are you hanging on? Do you seriously believe your DH loves you? After how he has treated you?
    I am not even going to talk about your MIL, as she seems like a total moron. The fact that your DH did not even seem to want to hear your side of story says a lot about his character.
    I can only say..it does NOT look like things will change, as your DH is not man enough (I'm sorry if this offended you, but any man who gets intimate with his wife with the door open can't even be worth talking about!)
    Make a choice..if you want your sanity, if you want a LIFE. Your parents are brothers are luckily there to support you.
    I still don't understand WHAT you are hanging onto.
     
  4. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Taurus has said it right.

    WHAT FOR and WHY are you hanging on in such a pathetic relationship and with such a pathetic husband ( Am sorry for not able to address him as DH - He is no where one sweetie)
     
  5. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    With the way things are right now, having a baby is going to be a total mess.

    Whatever reasons your MIL has for pushing you to have a baby, I am pretty sure that if something goes wrong , she will just wash hands and you will be the one who has to take up the responsibility of the baby.

    My MIL was after me asking me every month if I conceived and now that I have a baby, she is careful not to spend a single penny on the kid - not even a dress or a toy...Though she is very traditional and particular about following customs and rituals, she hasnt even bothered to give the baby anything as per norms. She always kept finding faults with each and everything I do and even after the baby she still does that .

    So,I am pretty sure that having the baby is not going to change your MIL's attitude.

    First see if the marriage is workable at all.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2010
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel, Men who are not man enough to control their parents from abusing and harassing their wives, are not worth sticking around for.

    Re-evaluate your marriage and have a serious talk with DH and tell your disappointments and future expectations.

    goodluck
     
  7. apsbask

    apsbask Junior IL'ite

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    I will tell you why I am hanging on. FIL and MIL were intimate only 3 or 4 times during the entire 37yrs of marriage. MIL was very beautiful back then and I know that she knew it too. She thought that her husband would fall for her beauty. Her first blow came when he did not even show interest in touching her. The second blow was(as told by her) that he never knew how to treat a woman. He showed no respect for her and no tenderness. He did not ask her what she wanted, instead he gave her what he thought she wanted and proved that his choice was right.

    I see all these traits in DH. Where do kids learn manners from? My parents raised me to give respect to others, give a lot of space, respect their opinion and to never impose our ideas on others. DH learnt what his parents had to teach him. If I would have been in my MIL's position and if I had the same ego that she has, then I would have been her now. I don't know whom she was trying to punish, but she stopped complaining about pains and tiredness because instead of sympathising, FIL used to criticize her for complaining about such silly things! I think she felt lost and to cope with all this, she tried to establish her dominance wherever she could, like in the kitchen work, pooja room, cleanliness in the house etc. She tormented him by not cooking the things he liked, not accompanying him to functions, satying aloof during family gatherings etc.

    So, when I went to Europe and spent time with DH, even between all these problems, I had time to understand him. He would buy me a chocolate that he thought was worth the money being spent, instead of buying something that I asked for (because he thinks that he knows everything about everything). For the first few months I couldn't understand why he was being so egoistic but then when he started talking about his parents, I came to know that all he is doing is copying what his dad did and he expects me to react just like his mom has been reacting all these years!!! I knew I had to let him know that most of the ladies were not like his mom. I saw to that we spent more time with other indian couples from his office. Everytime we came home from a gathering, he would become silent and distant and within a few days, I would see a small but good change in his behaviour. Slowly very very very slowly he has been changing. Even after we came back to India this January, things were the same and I had serious doubts that his behaviour would change before my patience ran out, but then something happened. Almost all of his dad's siblings(5 brothers and 3 sisters) are in chennai. In feb we went to chennai. I was very hesitant to go because the last time I had met them was before all these problems had started. They still thought that I went to hit MIL. I didn't want to go but then thought "who cares?". My life is with DH and my duty is to go and meet them when he takes me there. During the train journey I came up with a plan. MIL was waiting to go to chennai thinking that everyone there would give me the silent treatment and ignore me. I decided to not let it happen. When I met them, I acted as if nothing was wrong. I was very jovial, friendly and complimenting everyone about everything and basically made sure that they knew that they could not ignore me. In four days, everyone forgot about being distant. DH was watching all this. I made sure that during all this, I took care of MIL properly and also made sure that everyone noticed it. Once we came back from Chennai things changed drastically. Something else happened after we came back from chennai. I am a big devotee of Lord Hanuman and for some reason MIL was never ok with it. She was always complaining that we need to follow so many rules to worship him and I am not doing it properly. I used to take bath and wear washed clothes before entering pooja room and I felt that was sufficient. One day she came back from temple and said that she had met a senior poojari in the temple and had voiced her concerns about ladies worshipping Hanuman. She said that the poojari told her that Lord Hanuman usually brings a lot of misfortune with him and that ladies should not worship him. He told her to remove all the pictures from the house!!! I was absolutely fuming when she told that I went to hit her because of hanuman's influence on me!!! I wanted to argue but then I thought about the reason she wants to do all this. She wants to hurt me, start another argument so that she can complain about me to DH. Why should I let it happen? So I prayed to Hanuman for doing what I was about to do and went to the pooja room and silently removed his picture. I didn't show any expression on my face. She didn't know what to do and kept staring at me. DH was also staring and I just went about doing my work. After that , she tried to justify her actions som many times and nowadays she keeps the picture behind another deity's picture. Now DH is irritatated with her because neither is she removing it nor is worshipping it. After all this , all of a sudden Dh is affectionate and he is showing it!!! He offers to help me and tries not to criticize when I say that I am in pain and is giving me 3k pocket money. This has given me new hope and I feel that this time when we go to Europe things would change because now I know what I am dealing with and I atleast have an idea of how to deal with it.

    I had written all this and had saved it on Friday but something happened on Friday afternoon. I will write it the next post because this post is just too long.

    PS: Please don't mind the misplaced punctuations because I never learnt how to punctuate properly. Sorry.
     
  8. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Aps..
    Things a little bit clearer now..With your second post.
    I think you know in your heart that this will be a very long drawn process, and only YOU will need to be the one who has patience for things to change. Your husband has shown some signs, but please remember that 25-30 yrs of staying with his parents and having a certain type of conditioning will take a very long time to change...
    On top of it, you have external things influencing him, like his mother, etc. which will add to the problems.
    So IMO, it entirely depends on you..do YOU have what it takes to make this marriage work? I know a couple of friends who have decided that no matter what they will stick to their marriage because it was what they decided.
    Are you strong enough to succeed no matter what? Emotionally, I hope you have somebody (maybe your parents) to fall back on in tough times..
    Ask yourself these questions and re-evaluate your marriage to make a decision..
    Good luck and hope god gives you the strength to cope with this situation...
     
  9. apsbask

    apsbask Junior IL'ite

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    Fridays I read Lalitha trishati and a few more slokams. This Friday MIL asked me to start Lalitha Sahasranamam and said that I should do it if I want DH to be healthy and happy. I don't like emotional blackmails and I hate it when someone pushes me to do something which I don't believe in. I usually tell slokams only if I believe in it and understand it. Somehow for me, when I say LS I don't feel anything but with Trishathi, I get so involved and emotional. Anyway since I want to create a good impression with DH, I started LS on the same day but I didn't expect it to be so tough. I can read tamil but not the slokams. I finished LS after 2.5 hrs! MIL came to me twice in between and asked " What do you think you are doing? I know you started LS just because you were angry with me." I told her that i started it because she told that I have to do it for the welfare of DH. She was seething with anger by the time I finished LS and as soon as i finished, she said she wants to discuss something with me. When I sat to listen, she burst out saying that "everyone in Chennai believes you and not me! How could you do this to me? You went tand spoke to them as if nothing happened and they too spoke to you without any shame. They did not even think once that they are disrespecting me. I am the eldest daughter-in-law and this is how they show their respect? They all think that I came to hit you and do you know what my sister tell s about you? She says that you are pure gold. How can she say that? When I am complaining about you, how can she sit right next to me and say that you are gold? Now, I won't be surprised if you start liking her more than you like me( she doesn't know that I like everyone else on the this planet more than I like her). You don't know about my sister. She will go and spread to everyone that you are good and everyone will believe her. Your DH is also scolding me a lot nowadays. he has changed after his marriage." I was shocked. I didn't know what to say so I acted as if I was really sorry for her and told her "ma, I don't know what to say. If it will be of any use, I will go to each and every family in chennai and say that I did it and not to punish my MIL for something she did not do." i said " If this is what I have to do to make things right and make you happy then I will do it gladly" and believe me , I was ready to do it because I know if I do it, things will turn out in my favor. She said that she doesn't want me to do all that. She said she feels that DH and I should start looking for another house because he has changed after marriage. I knew DH would never ever accept to that so I said i acted as if she had offended me and went back to my room. That night, I told DH about everything but in a tone which told him that I was deeply hurt that even after being so co-operative, I was being blamed unnecessarily. He was silent and then after some time said " Mom has changed. She is getting old. You don't take all this to your heart. Next time she says something like this, tell me immidiately and I will make her understand how much her words hurt others." In the last two days he has come up with suggestions to deal with PCOS and has accepted my dad's invitation for dinner too!!! I am being very cautious. I don't want to believe anything right away but I feel that things are going to be ok in few months.

    PS: I forgot to thank everyone for sympathising with me. Even when I was very hurt, I could never scold DH(even in my mind ) so when someone says something about him like you people did, it just feels as if I scolded him and somehow some of the anger goes away. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I can't help it.
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    APS,
    Your MIL appears same as mine, who screwed up her own married life out of her insecurities and kiddishness & who can't see another lady having a nice time with her son... since she was never close to her own husband but SON. My FIL was no drunkard or a wife beater but a lot more not as per her expectations.. basically she hates anyone who doesn't dance to her tunes.. the tunes she herself has no idea but works only on comparisons.

    Such ladies always remain discontended in life & find ways to unroot the DIL who's trying to live peacefully with their son, my MIL did the same, I also patiently changed him for good and each time she reversed him into a mosntrous behaviour comparing what all atrocities she went thru.. obv if you compares 30 yrs down things cant be same.

    I keep making my sand castle each time the MIL tsunami visits & revisits.
     

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