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Married Life Into Hell...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Milaani001, Jun 3, 2020.

  1. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I am married since 6+ years without kid. I am having intimacy issue with my husband.we are living away from inlaws now.
    whenever I try to intimate he consider me a sex object and behave really harsh.He can't understand my feelings and least brothered about what I like and dislike. he give me rough push and pull sometime hit me during intimate time.That make me really uncomfortable with him to get involve into sex.

    Yes ,we don't have kid may be because of intimacy issue. But I was ok with not having kids because I already accepted the reality. Now challenge is mil and my mother ,whenever they call ask me that are you trying for kid everytime or have you consult doctor etc.I told my mother many times that we can never have a baby.but seems like they will not understand.My mother disappointed me on call and I started weeping.it was night time around 9pm and I went to another room soo that husband won't listen or notice me that I am crying.I kept lying and thinking about life and after some time husband came and shout " soo are you sleeping in separate bedroom"? Before I said anything he shout at me that if I can't live accordingly I should leave the house.he said, he is in soo much pain that he will either kill me or kill himself.he did not listen to me and keep shouting that I don't want to continue relationship thats why I make him into pain. He blame me for everything. Iam feeling worst now.

    Should I call police on his statement of kill me or kill himself, or separate (divorce).or keep living like room mates as I am not feeling anything for him.

    Moreover,once he vent out on me,he try his best to keep this relationship going.for me I am soo much tired that I am not feeling interested to his intentions.I feel like to get rid of him.but m stuck my parents won't support me.I am a working woman but does not have much savings.

    Please help me with valuable suggestions.
    Thanks in advance.
     
    Trisha14 likes this.
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, sorry to hear this,

    It's not your fault. Regain your self confidence.
    If your mind is not in this marriage, try to find a way out. You are a working woman,its not tough for you to manage your life. Start a bank account for you if you dont have any. Dont give your salary to him. If your parents dont worry about you,why should you. This kind of person will never change. You can find similar stories in this forum. After wasting 10-15 years people try for separation. By that time they are very old enough even to start a family or to get a good alliance. So dont do that mistake. Even if he change it will be for a few days and he will go back to old ways.

    I know a person, who divorced after 25yrs of asexual marriage. You deserve better. Consult an attorney, plan well. You can even talk to a counselor to get better clarity. Dont waste your precious life for some who dont care and verbally abuse you. If he attempts any physical violence, call 911 and get out.

    Your parents are worried about you. But when they find out that you are happy being single and strong, they will come your way. So ask yourself what you want and follow it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2020
    amunique, hermitcrab and Sreevidyaa like this.
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Did you try counseling? Never think about suicide or anything. Don’t expect support from parents since they don’t understand your problems. Start saving money seriously and plan exit from bad relation. Build courage. Think what worst can happen? Your parents will be upset for sometime. Everyone will forget and move on. If you suffer for long time u will loose all energy and go in depression. Consult lawyers and see options. Don’t hide your emotions from your husband and close family. Keep repeating yourself It’s not your fault. You should explain your parents whatever is reality. They may understand.
     
  4. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    DDream , I am working but but low income employee.since no support from parents.My in laws are that much cheap even if I and my husband fight casually ,they put all the property papers at my fil name from my husband name.so that if I file divorce with him I would get nothing. So there are so many different stories.
    Another way, he threatened to kill me,which is unforgettable. Do you think it can be forgiven ever. He also said he wish my parents to die. I am not able to forget this.
    Now, he is trying his best to keep this relationship alive. I am still not over it.
    I told him that for me my parents are important so I wish if he( my husband) die is the best option.
    He suffered depression 2 year ago . I don't find him Normal.
    Another challenge is, I am in mid thirties, I am not sure whether I would find good alliance or not .how my life would be.most challenging part is I am worried about finances.hope I can find right answers here.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, if you want to give this marriage another chance, you need to start fresh. I strongly believe both of your need counseling and some sex education.

    Just giving benefit of doubt here. He likes to have sex with you. But for some personal reasons, he dont have confidence. I assume there is no ED or other issues. I agree it's tough to forget past or whatever he has said. But you need to leave past to make it work. If you dont love him or if your mind is not in this marriage walk away. Look like his frustration is expressed as anger and threats. Is it good . No. But I ask you to think from his side too. Introspect your side. What should attract him to you. Are you creating a comfort zone. Are you give confidence to him to be himself. Men and women think and percieve in different ways. Please try to understand that.

    If not, have a face to face talk with him. Talk to in calm ,composed and lovely way. Hold both of his hands. Look into his eyes. Be sincere and talk. Dont blame him. Dont bring any past. Instead of using 'you', Start with 'I' . Like I feel...

    Tell him you want to live with him provided he treat you with respect and work on this marriage. Explain very clearly, you love him, but he need to handle you gently during that. It hurts you and it make you turn off. Thats not what you want. You want a fulfilling relationship with him. If he treat you gently, you are ready to adjust to make it work. Tell him, for you sex is important , so if he talk badly about your approach, this marriage is not going to work...

    He is not your brother, husband. It's the glue of this relationship. So dont turn you down. Also give him confidence. Assurance. Tell him you are also ready to consult a sexologist if that helps and keep everything between both of you. Are you stopping him from sex. Is there any pain issues. You can consult a doctor. I believe once both of you cross the barriers and find it enjoyable, most of your problems will be solved. Good frequent sex makes the relationship happy to some extent. It's your life, so take initiative. Talk in soft and comforting way. Give respect and talk as if your are sharing your problems and trying to solve it. Also talk like seeking his opinion.

    Build a friendship. Avoid all chances to fight or verbal abuse. Walk away if he start it. Tell him dont bring parents in between. Let the old people live peacefully. Also focus on non-sexual expression. More hugs, kiss, coddling...etc. do thinks together. Watch tv, going out..etc...let him feel that you are working on it. Be your pleasant version. Smile at him. Only then he can approach you. Try your best.

    Leave the past, live in present

    If nothing works..

    Talk to your parents or your close relatives. Dont waste you life for someone who dont deserves it. Dont hide it from your parents.
    It's not fun to live with a person who always threaten to kill you. What if he try that? I dont think any normal adult do that.

    Your mother needs a wake up call. Tell your mom that you can't produce baby alone ( tell it very openly) and he is abusing you.

    Try to gain financial independence. Let your parents know that your life is in danger. If something happens every one will blame you not him..that's how Indian society works. Your life is important than money.

    Dont go after him nagging. Or crying. Talk in calm and composed way. Give a deadline. If nothing works walk away. Its better to be alone than in a fake marriage. If your marriage is not consummated, you can go for annulment of marriage.

    Anyway it's your life your choice. If possible talk to a counselor in your area. You may get better idea to deal with the situation. Ask him to come to counseling if he want to continue in marriage. Also consult lawyer. You are only in 30s . If you continue you will be in 40s soon and stuck in an abusive marriage. You have already wasted 6yrs with him.

    If no one helps, take control of your life in your hands. Gain courage.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2020
    Giri12, UnicornLady, joylokhi and 2 others like this.
  6. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    DDream, he did not threat me before that, even if I said in joke that I am dying ,he fight for it. That is why I am not able to over it.
    This is his first and last time he threat me.because I openly told him that I swear I would definitely call police for next time he did any mistake.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2020
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, you need to set your boundary . There is no problem in it. No to abuse. He needs to respect that. Please read my reply above . I have been editing it. I felt both of you want to work on it. Read the above post #5.
     
    Sinant likes this.
  8. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    Before anything else , I want to try therapy if it help. Right now I don't understand should I try marriage counselor or psychologist??? Which should be help ful for my situation?
     
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Try marriage counseling first. Be honest and express all your concerns clearly. Try to write down first before you go. Do not cry or shout, be clear. Third person should judge and give you both suggestions. If husband doesn’t cooperate then try other options. Mid thirties is very young. Remove fear from your mind. Try to confide with your mother. Be confident and not timid.
     
  10. swiss

    swiss Gold IL'ite

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    Hello

    i am in a bad marriage since 14 years. Trust me it’s not going to improve. You are extremely fortunate that you have no kids. Things will be extremely bad once you have a child with such a person.
    Please consider divorce or councelling for yourself. If your mom is sad that she has no grand kids, tell her that you are even more sad staying in this marriage. You are getting self harming thoughts, that itself shows the lack of support you have in your marital house.
    I don't usually comment here, but seeing this brought me my own memories back.
     
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