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Married life became a hell!!!!Should I cope up with it?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by suman1234, Mar 31, 2010.

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  1. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Suman, it is very surprising to see an educated, working, well-earning girl talk like this. Infuriates me. Are you planning to live your life in hell all through. You must be hardly 30 and it's very surprising to hear such a thing from you.

    In any case, this CANNOT proceed on. You'll have to set the limits and priorities. What do your in-laws do when he calls you names? Either he changes or you move on. He changing is not seen anywhere in the vicinity for he seems to be having major mood swing issues. And also constant doubting will only kill the harmony of marriage. So even just for words, if he changes completely, (I'm sure this is hard to happen) you'll still have so much bitter feeling and scare throughout your life. This guy HAS messed up your life. The best option would be you move on. Hard initially.. But that is obviously good for you.

    You have supportive parents and your parents know about him and his behavior. Now what stops you from getting out of this hell... You need some COURAGE to do that. The society will NOT abuse you if you are a divorcee (The society does NOT help you now). So why bother? Get away from this psycho and take things legally.

    This guy needs medical help or it is a family trend (husbands bashing wives), seriously, I know a family like this where a husband thinks it is right to physically abuse his wife and this he got it from his dad who used to abuse his mom physically. See.. Kids learn from the parents. It could be that too. And all said, you are fortunate that you don't have a baby yet.

    Good Luck... Please, for God's sake, help yourself out of this mess. And you are the ONLY one who can do that. ILs here can give you the courage and support.
     
  2. shridevi

    shridevi New IL'ite

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    Suman,

    I felt really hurted for you.

    Y u wanna continue this marriage just for the sake of society or parents.Society is not going to come and help u everytime for the problems u r really facing.
    I think he is sick, he needs to visit a doc.
    He is a man full of insecurities and stubborn guy. he is actually dangerous. you can't rely on him totally.
    It's better to quit out of this marriage.Ur a well eduacted n well earning girl.
    I think u deserve to a better life n career.With all this problems, neither will you have a better life nor a better career

    Think....Think..... nnnnn Think fast before its too late. once u have a baby it becomes difficult to come out of marriage for the child.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I see the only reason is inferiority complex in your DH.. which has no cure.
    Also this is an overall difficult family to deal with.

    This same society has vested a lot in you.. in terms of your education/ job & a confident person you're, and you worry about same society will ridicule you for a divorcee status from an abusive marriage? You're worth more than being treated like a throw away item.

    What was your basic reason to agree to this alliance from a person who was professionally not compatible to you? Are there any hidden clauses? Dint he reveal exact job profile & salary? What exactly did you talk to him on first night that the first day went so bad?
     
  4. SharmiLee2010

    SharmiLee2010 New IL'ite

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    IF wat you say is true. i dont see any reason for you to continue the relationship. dont adjust. walk away. like a proud girl.

    give him a second chance.see if he budges and changes his ways. If not file for divorce staraight away. he suffers from ego problems. In your next edition get a more balanced male.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2010
  5. suman1234

    suman1234 New IL'ite

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    I do have regrets on this.
    Their parents acted so good and decent that my parents advised(actually insisted) that I should marry this guy.They lied on his salary.Still my parents compromised saying you can make up for the income.Because they projected such an image and the guy looked very innocent and good.Actually even now he doesnt speak much to anybody except for me.
     
  6. sophisticated

    sophisticated New IL'ite

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    Please leave him, marriage is not a reason to live an unhappy life, society, family, relations ec will talk about you till they have someone else to alk about don't worry about them if your parents are supporting you then please be BOLD and walk out.
    It is hard but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your parents.
     
  7. deepagopalan

    deepagopalan Gold IL'ite

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    hi Suman,

    please get out of this hell,he is a not a humanbeing,his parents also has not done anything for you,he will kill u daily by words atleast,there is no reason to think about the society/relative.no one will help you if u r in trouble,then y u need to worry about what society says,comeon dear u r a educated women,finanicially independent and have extra degree why u need to worry about the future,moreover ur parents are supportive that is more than enough so there is no use in saving your married life which is making you unhappy,see he even doesnt care you when u had miscarriage and he treated you badly.he is using u dear.please comeout from this hell,file for divorce.he should learn a lesson.
    -deepu.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Suman

    From your post it appears after what all you have been through, still you want to live with this man...in this marriage.

    So would you be able to justify your point?? i.e on what basis or what is it that makes you still want to be in this marriage...

    List out why you want to be in this marriage and on the other side list out why you are not able to....you would understand why many of our friends are suggesting you to walk out

    I guess you are feeling insecure and your confidence levels have taken a toll thats why you are not able to see through things clearly.

    Whatever you are expecting out of him, wont happen unless he himself wants to change or wants to live with you.

    Why dont you just take few days break, and stay away from him for a while and see...this would help you to understand whether you can actually standup on your feet and live for yourself or not..

    I understand, divorce, and living alone or separated is going to be very difficult and you might feel terrible to even think of such thoughts...but ask yourself what if tomorrow you are beaten up black n blue where you wont be able to do your own chores by yourself, no one to help you , would your parents be proud and helpful at that time??? Also if you have a baby and you and your baby have tocome on to streets because he doesnt want to be with you or he beats you and the kid too what would you do at that time??? now its all about you...you alone...you are blessed that you are not responsible for another life...among all this mess even that life would have been spoiled and had to go through so much trauma.

    You only can help yourself. All of us here are third persons...you explained what is happening in your marriage, living in it daily may not make you think and see through clearly, but a third person can clearly see where is all this heading to....hope you get the point.
     
  9. jayanaresh

    jayanaresh Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dear suman

    Are you satisfied that you have done a lot to save the marriage???
    If so

    Give a break OR take a break.
    Go back to your parents house for couple of months and before that have a open talk tp your parents saying everything and assured them that u want the marriage to work out.And that is why you are going to sta with them for a couple of months,

    This couple of months, take leave from office to avoid the unpleasant scene in office by your DH. Yr DH surely make trips to ur office and shouts and creates scene. So better you take leave and sit at home or go for a tour .

    But before going, talk to him n say that you love and respect him and you want their marriage to work out. And your job is important to you and good for your both future.
    Tell him, never listen to others and doubt you. This couple of months you are taking a holiday for mental peace of mind and giving him time to think over the things.
    also Put everything in writing for him and keep a copy for you also.

    You are not runnng away from problem but you giving a break for things to set in place.
    Things will workout for you...........
    Takes time.
    My sixth sense says that your inlaws are creating the problem between you. May be they are scared that your DH will dance for yr tune and won;t care or listen to them.
    This happens mostly in all houses. The in laws acts so smartly before Dils and screw up behind to their son.

    Find out everything and solve the problem bravely.....
    All the best and i keep you in my prayers to give you strength and confidence and peaceful future.
    Regards
    Mrs.N:thumbsup
     
  10. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    LEAVE HIM !!!!!!!!!!

    I know people like him (One of my closest relatives!!) and this will continue for ever..doesn't matter if you leave your job and try to satisfy his ego and try to do what ever he says.

    My relative is exactly like this and believe me he is very well educated but behaves worse then a illiterate! The wife..absolutely beautiful went through this for last 35 years and worked hard day in and day out fighting his ego (doing every thing he wants and also did double masters and worked all those years to prove her self - while raising her three daughters ..doing all the household work and taking care of all out side things too.).
    Except for earning money, he didn't do anything helpful for the family.

    Even the kids grew up getting physically and mentally abused by him. Thank God they all settled down very well now, but the abuses towards wife continue till date (inspite of all the kids settling well and financially well off...he still hits his wife of 35 years for one reason or two. She is very strong to have gone through this all her life - and fights bitter about this, but in vain).

    For you..I say...GET OUT NOW OR LEAVE YOUR JOB..LOOSE YOUR CAREER, DIGNITY AND BE PREPARED TO HAVE KIDS WHO'D GROW UP ABUSED BY HIM ALL THEIR LIVES.

    DIVORCE IS NOT A DARK CORNER. DIVORCE CAN BE A DOOR TO A NEW LIFE. FOR YOU..YOUR PARENTS ARE SUPPORTIVE. EVEN IF PARENTS AND SOCIETY ARE NOT SUPPORTIVE, THEY ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT IS YOU..JUST YOU. SO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND GET OUT!!
     
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