Married for 20 years but there's a vacuum inside

Sorry if I might sound harsh, I wonder what will happen after your mil is no more? Will you be the first person in his life or something else might come up? Stop looking for his attention, live your life already 20 years go, enjoy the remaining.

 

@Ragini25 I am not wanting to argue, but those marriages in which people are "happy" are those in which people compromise a lot. The compromise is on both the sides or someone has initially compromised a lot and has had the patience to see it work out till the last. It was not only IL, I have seen people around me too, even those people who look contented, balanced they have had some pain points which they don't tell openly, but at some point it comes out. It is not very obvious all the time, but at some moment you come to know something is not quite right somewhere. I guess they are overall happy because even though they have compromised on a few things, they have also gained a lot more, so they are ready to live with any inadequacy. Anyways, whatever OP is describing - dominating MIL is not unusual. I guess after 20 years she is just tired of taking things, for me it is happening 10 yrs later. My husband being indifferent was not the only issue, his parents were equally indifferent. My MIL was insecure because my husband is the only son and she felt I was snatching him away from her. What all she did to gain his attention, I can't describe. Since he was the only child, she let him have his way. On his part he was very devoted to his mother except while choosing his life partner, he was insistent about marrying me alone. Though that felt very good initially, later I found it difficult to put up with her. She would just remark so sarcastically, so rudely. When they first come to our house, I cooked for her with so much affection and I made sure she would feel at home, but she made a comment in the first month itself that she felt like throwing up for one of my dishes. To say the dish was bad is one thing, but to say she felt like throwing up is another. By and by, she was getting unbearable. At the end of the visit, I was so happy I was getting a breath of fresh air. My FIL and husband both supported her. I was stupid, I came from a nuclear family and I must say I was rather untrained for these kind of situations. I wanted to say spoilt, but no, I don't think so, I was not spoilt. She was so controlling about everything, right from cooking to cleaning vessels, keeping the house neat, to grooming, buying anything insignificant and last, even my talking. Anything I talked was a matter of controversy, whereas she was free to throw the most uncaring,rude comment in the most hurting manner. Till almost 2 years back, she was so dominating, even now in her worst health she made a comment a couple of days back. I lost my job recently. She said why it is taking me so long to find a job when I was barely 2 weeks into having lost my job. My FIL was shouting at her because she is sick and he needs to nurse her, now that I am lying around apparently "free" maybe she felt I could help her. So that comment. Basically anything she wants, she will never ask in a nice manner, she will ask as though it is her birthright. In 12 years, I have been to my parents house for only 2 times and they came to my house only twice for my deliveries and once they stayed with my brother. All the times, they felt so miserable, so unwelcome, not a single day they could enjoy with me. All because of my in-laws. I thought the worst part was over when I see more coming now. I have a lot more to learn. As for OP, I would say hang in there, analyze, goto some therapy and stay put. 20 yrs is quite a lot. I am sure OP must have had at least one kid who is a teenager. She needs to give some more time to take a decision is what I feel. Dear OP, please don't quit, who knows maybe your time is coming, why bail out just before things begin to workout? Your kids need you for at least 5 more years till they stand on their own feet. Give it some more time. As someone said here, your MIL can't live forever and even if she does practically, she can't be the same all the time.

 

@Ragini25 I am not wanting to argue, but those marriages in which people are "happy" are those in which people compromise a lot. The compromise is on both the sides or someone has initially compromised a lot and has had the patience to see it work out till the last. It was not only IL, I have seen people around me too, even those people who look contented, balanced they have had some pain points which they don't tell openly, but at some point it comes out. It is not very obvious all the time, but at some moment you come to know something is not quite right somewhere. I guess they are overall happy because even though they have compromised on a few things, they have also gained a lot more, so they are ready to live with any inadequacy. Anyways, whatever OP is describing - dominating MIL is not unusual. I guess after 20 years she is just tired of taking things, for me it is happening 10 yrs later. My husband being indifferent was not the only issue, his parents were equally indifferent. My MIL was insecure because my husband is the only son and she felt I was snatching him away from her. What all she did to gain his attention, I can't describe. Since he was the only child, she let him have his way. On his part he was very devoted to his mother except while choosing his life partner, he was insistent about marrying me alone. Though that felt very good initially, later I found it difficult to put up with her. She would just remark so sarcastically, so rudely. When they first come to our house, I cooked for her with so much affection and I made sure she would feel at home, but she made a comment in the first month itself that she felt like throwing up for one of my dishes. To say the dish was bad is one thing, but to say she felt like throwing up is another. By and by, she was getting unbearable. At the end of the visit, I was so happy I was getting a breath of fresh air. My FIL and husband both supported her. I was stupid, I came from a nuclear family and I must say I was rather untrained for these kind of situations. I wanted to say spoilt, but no, I don't think so, I was not spoilt. She was so controlling about everything, right from cooking to cleaning vessels, keeping the house neat, to grooming, buying anything insignificant and last, even my talking. Anything I talked was a matter of controversy, whereas she was free to throw the most uncaring,rude comment in the most hurting manner. Till almost 2 years back, she was so dominating, even now in her worst health she made a comment a couple of days back. I lost my job recently. She said why it is taking me so long to find a job when I was barely 2 weeks into having lost my job. My FIL was shouting at her because she is sick and he needs to nurse her, now that I am lying around apparently "free" maybe she felt I could help her. So that comment. Basically anything she wants, she will never ask in a nice manner, she will ask as though it is her birthright. In 12 years, I have been to my parents house for only 2 times and they came to my house only twice for my deliveries and once they stayed with my brother. All the times, they felt so miserable, so unwelcome, not a single day they could enjoy with me. All because of my in-laws. I thought the worst part was over when I see more coming now. I have a lot more to learn. I am not perfect and I have a lot of defects that I need to work on. As for OP, I would say hang in there, analyze, goto some therapy and stay put. 20 yrs is quite a lot. I am sure OP must have had at least one kid who is a teenager. She needs to give some more time to take a decision is what I feel. Dear OP, please don't quit, who knows maybe your time is coming, why bail out just before things begin to workout? Your kids need you for at least 5 more years till they stand on their own feet. Give it some more time. As someone said here, your MIL can't live forever and even if she does practically, she can't be the same all the time.

 

Brusished234,

I understand, you put 100% of your energy in him, but his loyalty lies somewhere else. It was that cheated/violated feeling of companionship.

From young age, women are taught/conditioned to have a family of their own. Men are wired differently, some are brain washed by their mom, as well.

I conditioned myself as don't expect much from him and do the "best" for him. It is a mindset/survival instinct. Moreover, cannot depend on others to make me happy. I got involved myself into social activities...guess what, he accompanies me to those events. Funny part is, even at middle age...he feels insecure because I have an extended circle of buddies. Otherwise, I will be gone for hours and he has to be alone by himself at home, right? It is just a game......reading more and more relationship books help to understand/analysis the situation. Again, there is no one solution that fits every situation.

Just expand your circle/hobbies, shift your focus away from him. You will notice the difference in his attitude towards you.

my 2cents worth.

 

Tell me one thing why these all men have "fliping"problem ,i used to think only my brother has this but now after reading all post on married forum n sibling forum i feel like every man has this dual personality isuue.....i cut all ties from him cox i am very emotional n could not take it more ,i am emotionally detached from him......but i understand it will be hard to cut ties with husband,i understand how you feel it's like you dont know this person but have to maintain relation cox otherwise he is good,scary thought

 

No bruised, I was not talking abt "compromise based" marriages. Just normal, functional, healthy and reasonably happy marriages and there are many of those. Its easy to say 'most marriages are shitty or at most compromise only', but thats not true.

 

OP many marriages in india just end up like that because of arrange marriage system,also because of mentality guy should give priority to his mother or parents after marriage instead of wife.

 

Sangeeta,

If it helps, there are many facing a similar situation probably most married women. Most of these traits can be traced to upbringing and environment. Poovai has given good advice which can help in filling the vacuum inside. I have been married long and have seen / experienced these situations. I've realized that we cannot change them so its best we adapt / change our thought process. Our happiness lies within us and we not on others and how they react. Start doing small things for yourself and develop a hobby. Over time these thoughts will go on the back burner.