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Marriage Trouble

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by radrad, Jun 7, 2010.

  1. radrad

    radrad New IL'ite

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    Posted below again.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
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  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Sir, I read your entire story. I could understand your situation to great extent. Your wife has attitude problem, plus explosive anger issue. I am just highlight some portion of your OP below , that it self is enough for anyone to really understand what she is made up of. No matter what you will try she will not change easily. You are giving in to her tantrums and attitude and she is trying to take advantage of it. She is pregnant and may take it as a opportunity to keep you away from the baby too. And blame it on you squarely again saying you were never there for her during pregnancy and bla bla. This is typical it will happen. Take my words.
    She will try to make you feel more and more gulity .

    One of the solutions for you is to try to distance yoursel from her some way. You can meet her needs but not push too much to make relationship work just from your side.

    Your acceptance that there are some mistakes from your side, so far reading your OP I did not see any mistake. You are saying your parents dont get involved, it is she who keeps talking to her parents. Again touching feet and all is not something you told to her, she did it on her own

    Forget all that, just read your comments below, if that is what has happened, you better do your homework, she can have issues with her child too, she may hit the child as she has temper issues.

    You will have to take some tough steps. I understand what you want, you want happy family like anyone will want, but then the reality when it sinks it sinks hard.....

     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Welcome to IL sir!

    I dont know whether the current situation you are facing with your wife is due to her pregnancy hormones or really its her:bonk

    But one thing is sure, if she had bottled up all the past issues and just because her parents had to come out openly about the used sari and agree that it was their mistake, might be your wife is trying to deliberately find faults with what ever you and your parents are doing.

    I would suggest take her to a nice restuarant, give her some flowers, if possible a nice surprise gift and tell her that you care for her and your baby and you want to fix things b/w you and her. Tell her not to worry or think about past, who said what or who did what etc, ask her to forget the past and what ever you said or she said and affirm that you also would do the same. Tell her that if she has any problems with you or your parents, she can talk to you directly and for both of you to be together and have a happy family , you both have to on same page. Ask her what does she want you to do to show that you care for her.

    If all the things that were happening were due to pregnancy hormones, the above words would surely calm her down and affirm your love.

    Now coming to your MILs influence, as we tell other DILs here, we cant do much about the third person in the relationship, unless you have your wife on your side, you cant control your MIL. For your wife to be on your side, she has to trust you, I see that you have done enough, so might be you have to start analyzing what is it that her mother does to make your wife go all over for her mothers suggestions. Find ways to get your wife on your side. By the way do not sideline your parents in all this. Yes no need for them to interfere but at the same time, they have all the rights to see their grand child and be intouch with their son. So gently tell them not to worry as you would surely fix your issues.

    Your marriage is just a year old. These are the inital hiccups everyoen would have. Moreover you have a baby coming in to this very new relationship..so you have to deal with multiple tasks here..handling wife, handling her pregnancy hormones/mood swings, handling your new born, handling your inlaws and your parents.

    Take one step at a time. Pls do not panic. Also I have one question..if you keep al the issues aside, how is your wife towards you? does she sound interested in you?, in what you talk or say? in talking to you? going out etc? or does she keep always talking about her parents or issues etc..etc.

    Your issue here is not your parents/MIL. You have to deal with your wife. Talk to her softly. Surprise her. Show that you are on her side and that you want her on your side and that no one else in this world matters (sometimes these words just are enough to satisfy those egos....not necessary that you have to totally cut off ties..words can soothe lot of hearts and clear out lot of worries). Might be if possible you also have to act SMART and try to act all nice and loving towards your MIL specifically. Buttering her up so that she wont stand in your way to fix the issues. Once you fix your issues and your wife starts seeing your point, am sure your wife would also ignore your MIL.

    Sir, In marriages, there is no fixed solution we have to try diff. ways to get things on track.Its all trial and error however we always have to be positive and work on fixing things and thats how we grow as human beings and also the relationship matures. Being SMART is the key here If we face issues head on (like you asking your wife why her parents gave your mom a used sari) things would always turn sour..Even before you know your wife completely how can you expect her to empathize with your moms situation? So all your wife is doing now is because her parents are proved guilty, now its her turn to prove your parents as guilty and she is not getting a chance and she is vexed up, her ego is hurt and she is making a big fuss out of all this. SO, slow down, handle with care and patience and observe alot. If she is willing to talk to a counsellor, better try going to a marriage counsellor so that she can hear it from a third party too

    Just a note: Do not compare your marriage with any one elses, or your wife/yourself with anyone else. Everyones situation is unique in this world. No two situations or people would be alike. So be positive when you are trying to work out things. Do not accept defeat even before you try anything.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Completely agree with SriVidya.
    I also think you should try to change yourself to keep a peaceful married life.
    Now you know your Wife is stubborn (you always give in), and wild tempered She might be emotional because of the pregnancy hormones.
    See all people are not created the same. So, please don't compare between families or along with other couples for your own peace. This is the card you are dealt and you need to make the best of it.
    Its wonderdul that your parents are not interfering. Forget about what your MIL or others in the family.
    Sofar all you have done is you have defended every accusations your wife has made against your mom to give some sense to her. It's not working isn't it. Like Srividya says she is on a ego trip to prove your mother wrong. Next time she complains - Don't explain, clarify, agree or disagree. Just listen. Say I understand how you feel. What can I do to make you feel better and move on from their.
    Also, don't tell all the complains to your mother. If your wife asks why you are not confronting your Mom Ask her to speak to the MIL herself.
    Now you are having a precious life entering into the mix. So, I suggest completely give in. It doesnot matter who throws in the white flag in a marriage. With time your wife will understand and change.
    For now goahead make her feel special and plan a surprise like Srividya said.
     
  5. ushkrish

    ushkrish New IL'ite

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    hi
    i also feel that it might be due to pregnancy harmones. try to shower all love on her that she starts thinking twice before talking to per mom, your love should be so strong that it sounds more like overpowering her and not meakly letting you down before her. she should also see the stronger you. this way she cannot act against you.slowly she will start yeilding to your wishes( respecting your side relatives etc.,)
    all the very best to you sir,
     
  6. radrad

    radrad New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your answers.
    i understand there are two solutions. either ignore her and just meet her fair demands or love her even more.....

    can someone tell me which option has higher success rate?

    has anyone of you seen any of these options work?

    Thanks!
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    So you've been married a year, and your wife is already 7 months pregnant. Did it ever occur to you that it might be a good idea to get to know her before starting a family with her? :bonk

    I don't buy into the pregnancy hormone crap. Millions of women around the world are pregnant right now. Billions have been pregnant over the course of history. Yet, I would imagine FEW have grabbed a knife and her husband's collar like yours has. Frankly, she sounds nuts. When she started to get nutty, you should have gotten her medical help. Also, please be attentive to her behavior post pregnancy in case of post partum depression. If she is already a nutty person, depression after pregnancy could take a scary turn for her, you, or the baby.

    But assuming you love her and want to continue this relationship, you've got to get her on your side, like the others mentioned. You need to get her to realize that a marriage is between you and her, not you her and her parents too. For the time being, don't force her to contact your parents... it'll only make the situation worse. And don't jump to defend them when she complains about them, just listen and try to see her point of view. But you need to convey to her that you are sick and tired of HER parents stirring up trouble at every chance. Ask her to remain at her parents house until she is ready to accept you as her husband and start fresh. Let her know you want her and the baby back, but that things can not continue like this with her allowing her parents to have so much influence over her relationship with you. She needs to see that if she lets her parents rule her life, she cannot have you too. Tell her that whatever happened in the past, you want to forget it and move forward, but she must be willing to do the same. Assure her that you love her. Try to get her to see that having a HAPPY married life is so much nicer than one where both of you are fighting.

    Don't strong arm her into visiting with your parents right after she has the baby. And never make the mistake of saying "my parents have a right to see THEIR grandchild". No my friend, right now SHE is the most important person to that baby, and what she wants takes priority over what your parents want. Maybe after some time you can bring up the topic, but don't push her right away. Already she sounds kind of nuts, so be careful and go slow.
     
  8. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    OP,

    Don't you think that your actions (in bold above) actually act as positive feedback?

    You can write off some as hormonal but not everything. Don't fall for that hormonal excuse.

    Ask yourself why you are tolerating all this. If you tolerate this because you genuinely love her, you may want to be patient and work on this. But if you are doing this because of the society's/parents' expectations/pressure it is not worth it in the long term. Cut your losses quickly. Yes, the kid complicates things but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness.

    In any case, if I were you, the next time she threatens to leave, I'll pack her stuff and offer to drop her wherever she wants to go. Need to call her bluff sometimes! She needs to know that she has pushed it far enough!

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  9. radrad

    radrad New IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2010
  10. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Hi RadRad,

    I agree with Sarma. He has said it all.

    As for deleting the thread, you may want to request the moderators by clicking on the report post icon on the right hand side corner of your post (a white triangle with exclamation point in it). You may need to provide them with reason like in this case your privacy concerns..). The moderators if convinced may edit your post or do the needful.

    I wish you the very best in life. Be strong.
     

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