1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Marriage : Start or End of Independent Life?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ria2006, Dec 7, 2007.

  1. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Sashie,

    It s sad to know that you feel this way in marriage. But I would say things which are important to you are worth trying and keep at. Dont let surroundings affect your convictions. Sometime you feels clouds are covering your vision at the moment. But clouds dont stay for long if you keep at your convictions.
    Have faith and keep trying. Respect their views, but you dont have to follow all. Most of problems with ILs is all about having their say and their control. Just let them say their part and you do what you believe in.
    I feel verbal part is just too superfluous, action and implementation is where we should be focussing our energies.

    All the best
    Ria
     
  2. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Very nice thread Ria and wonderful views, you ladies!

    I think marriage has made me more independent and definitely more assertive. Well, let me tell you that this did not come on a platter, but it was a necessary and a wonderful part of learning that came with being married for a decade.

    I was always very independent in terms of doing things and taking charge of the stuff that needed to be done, even the one outside of the traditional female domain like bills, banking, my 401k investments, any and very single type of paperwork in my household. Just like most of you friends here have stated about themselves.

    I love being part of the decision making process. In fact I cannot bear not being a part of it. I like to be fully aware and plugged into all aspects of my life and household – money, financial decisions that include investment strategy, all and any paperwork – routine as well as futuristic (wills, property related etc). Being a woman the kitchen part automatically falls mainly under my control as is the day to day decisions made for the kids and us alike.

    Having said that, I think the assertive part was missing in the initial years of my marriage. As you said Ria, I was being a “good” wife more than being an equal partner. I used to do everything but would not always strongly assert my views. That is what I have improved on tremendously over time, for the better of course.

    When it came to putting my foot down on decisions I did not agree with, I was very “giving”. And I hated this every bit. I think mentally our female mind is a little too flexible when it comes to giving and giving-in.

    I think for us to call ourselves truly independent we MUST exercise our right as a partner without getting gender into play. If I am better than my husband at investing money for example, I should be the one making the final decision. Of course, this after both me and husband have discussed things in detail. But, if, there is a difference of opinion after the discussion, then since I am the one better in this area, my decision should be the final decision for the family. I think this where we women (at least I did) fall short.

    In traditional female domain of kitchen, cooking, buying things for the household and to a certain extent in the matter of kids, we are generally more assertive and we are the primary decision makers. But in traditionally male domain of finances, investments, property, wills, estate planning etc we tend to take a backseat even though we may be good in some of those areas. Especially when there is a difference of opinion in this traditionally male area, we generally let the husband have the final word even when we think that our thought is wiser.

    To me true independence means knowing my strengths very well and asserting them regardless of what domain (male or female) it falls in.

    Over the years I have gained that independence. But I must say that it is a way of life that needs to be lived and exercised every single day of our life.

    It is a wonderful feeling to not have any barriers and make decisions solely based on intellect and wisdom. Three cheers to this independence!!!!
    Let us all help each other get to this independence!

    SS

     
  3. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    WOW! Soaring Spirit..

    Amazing choice of words and clarity of thought. Definitely the content of your message is very educative for all of us. Know your strength and play it right.

    I liked it ..and Guess what Chitra Mam, has nominated your reply for best post for dec.. Thanks and keep up...
    :cheers
     
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for such positive words for me Ria. I have to give you the credit for starting this thread without which I would not have got a chance to put forth my views and more importantly, revisit these thoughts and do a quick check on myself to see if I am still following my views! :)

    Thanks for letting me know that Chitra Mam has nominated my reply for the finest post in Dec. All I can say is a BIG thank you! I feel special.

    Ria, you are a solid and consistent contributor yourself. I particularly like your “smartness” in thinking through some of the issues. When I say smartness I mean the all-encompassing view of the issue at hand and the suggestions to it. We women are already so emotional that we need someone to push us to see the business side of life. A business called “life” that we have all undertaken and are hoping to succeed in. There will be losses, gains and negotiations.

    Your replies and posts reflect this reality very well which is needed to keep the balance between the heart and the head.

    Look forward to another exciting IL-day!

    SS
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    33,566
    Likes Received:
    3,754
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Ria & SS,
    Both your replies & interactions make me feel that our forum is becoming richer & richer with valuable contents from members like you.
    You put forth your thoughts very clearly & straight forward. There is no ambiguity in words, whatever be the topic.
    Please take active part in all the forums and help us take IL to great heights.
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  6. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for the encouraging words Chithra. Especially when they come from you, I truly feel privileged. This forum is something I eagerly look forward to visting at the crack of dawn and I will continue to do it as much as I can.

    I am looking forward to learning and sharing a lot from all of my friends over here.

    SS
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Chitra Mam,

    Thank you so much. It takes a a seasoned expert to encourage budding contrinutor. Your praise is like medal to me. Thanks for the hounour.

    Regards
    Ria
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    SS,

    Thanks for words of praise. I would be reading your other nominated reply. I totally agree with your observation about my conviction. Great points.

    Regards,
    Ria
     
  9. anukvs

    anukvs Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,
    These discussions bring back memories from my early days of marriage.

    I was married just after college (continuing my PG and was working in a MNC bank).
    My husband was the only child and the family was a lovely one.... just that the entire family was in the control of my FIL. This was to the extent that... every penny of my salary (and of my husbands too) need to be given to him month on month. My MIL was also a working woman.

    I had never done this before the wedding and this was breaking me within leading to a lot of arguements with my hubby. He was scared to talk to his father, but kept telling me that over a period of time everything will be fine. I was brought up with very traditional values and like every mom, my mom did not find this activity of my FIL annoying. Her arguement was," if this was done by dad you wudn't have objected.. so why now. Take it easy and continue with life. He wud only be saving this money for your future."

    But now after 12 years of marriage, there is a ocean of change in our lives. Things are now run the way I would like to, however i do keep my MIL (FIL is no more) informed and take her suggestions for all decisions.

    Changes did start happening gradually and probably in a couple of years, span of control slowly moved from my in-laws to us to run the family.

    Now, I think, what my mom always said, "You need to give time for your husbands family time to adjust to you.. like you need time to adjust to them". Probably she is right. If I had blown this issue or any issue (i am capable of that) there might be rough wounds in everybody and we wouldn't be seeing eye to eye now. My MIL is now more than a mother to me and I find it easy to converse with her on all my issues, office happenings and about my husband.

    Patience and preseverance always pays.

    Anu
     
  10. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey Anu

    I am glad this could take you down memory lane. Your words are indeed golden words in Indian context. When we marry, we really marry whole slew of things, relatives, their thinkig and what not.
    It does need patience and foresight to LOOK BEYOND and LOOK ABOVE what's there in immediate sight. Many loose patience in intitial phase. and some just feel crushed and frustrated. It s always reassuring to hear words of "Been there , done that " Group also.

    Thanks for chipping in.

    :cheers
     

Share This Page