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Marriage Proposal-- Very Money Minded

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ArunaJan, Mar 19, 2020.

  1. ArunaJan

    ArunaJan Junior IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    I need some tips and advice from everyone out here.

    My parents have asked me to talk to this guy who they want me to marry.
    I have spoken with him a couple of times and here is what I conclude:
    Note: He is on H1Visa (H1 visa picked in 2019) and I have a Green Card.

    1) He says we will purchase a house . You contribute $2000.00 and I will contribute $2000.00 towards the house. I told him I am not a person who would work always . I will work when I feel to . He was not very happy with the answer. I told him if I do not work at times, then how will I contribute? He says from your savings till now.Sometimes I feel he may ask me even to share the grocery bill/utility bill or share in the overall house expenditure.
    2) He says you cook on MOndays and Tuesdays. He will cook on Wednesday and Thursdays .
    3) He tells me to gift a car to him . I asked him why should I gift a car to him? He says if a husband purchases a car, then wife rides the car so why shouldn't a wife purchase a car and gift to husband. Not sure if he is telling in a funny way or is serious.
    4) He says we will marry in USA as he does not want to go to India and go thru all the stamping issues and tells me people get married here in USA and very grandly and richly. I think he is indirectly telling me that he wants a grand marriage.
    5) When he talks to me , he tells me I am talking on unnecessary topics, that I am boring and sometimes tells me I am dumb. I am really not sure if he tells this casually or in a funny way or trying to pull my legs
    .
    Not sure if I should get married to him or not. Please advice all experienced Ladies. Help me figure out if he is the right guy to get married.

    Thanks.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Run in opposite direction as fast as you can . Don’t even waste a minute . He is the wrong guy .
     
    Vanani, rachaputi, lazy and 3 others like this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell us all the things you like about the guy your parents picked, and want you to marry.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2020
    joylokhi likes this.
  4. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    It is very clear from his conversations and pointers as brought out by you here, that he has got it all planned, as to what he expects from his future partner. His financial goals are clearly linked to what you can bring in/contribute etc.
    If you feel you do not like having to commit to any financial plan from your side , this alliance is certainly not for you and you can decide to close it at this juncture.

    From an arranged marriage point of view( I am talking of 40 years back), it was clearly spelt out for me that my would be spouse wanted a working girl with a steady income and transferable job(so that the question of leaving and staying at home does not arise). It is was ingrained in us at the time, that this is normal and so we went ahead and had a good marital life, family with financial commitments from both of us equally.

    So, it is up to you to see what sort of commitments , leeway you expect in a marriage. All the best
     
  5. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    Reg his points
    1 - Reasonable but you will have to think about your financial situation.
    2 - What about Friday, Saturday, Sunday?
    3 and 4 - What about equal contribution like pt 1? Why suddenly concept of 100% paid by you gift and wedding?
    5. If he can joke about boring and dumbness in courting period his jokes can get a lot worse later. Sense of humour not good.

    My personal opinion from lessons learnt - Run away from this guy.

    P.S: if you are not sure if some one is funny or serious they are mostly likely trying to be both. i.e. If you take it seriously and argue they will say just joking...If you think it is a joke and do nothing about it they will fight saying you dont take seriously.
    Better to ask immediately Are you joking?
     
  6. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 Finest Post Winner

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    Why this is even a question? run in opposite direction.
     
  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Op I will share my perspective here.

    Once you get married it's becomes equal responsibilities of both husband and wife to share everything. So point wise :
    1) What's wrong in sharing an EMI? What depends is how much one is sharing which is dependent on how much one is earning.
    When we brought a house both our salaries were considered for loan. Unfortunately I had to take career break but that didn't stop me from voluntarily offering all my savings to him towards the expenses which we are meeting to finish the house. After all it's my house too and if house is registered jointly there's nothing wrong in sharing the emi. Now I'm almost having zero bank balance but that's okay I can earn and make up to that bank balance again and soon I want to get back to my work because I am myself bit guilty to burden him with complete EMI and completely take care of other expenses . It's absolutely fine to be a financial contributor in a family. We women always want gender equality right ? But when we get an opportunity to be equal we think otherwise. Why?
    2) this proposal is really a logical one which I haven't come across anytime from anyone . If he's willing to share your responsibilities then I don't see why you cannot share financial responsibilities. ?
    3) He again seems logical here. But If you haven't reached a point here where you are unable to make out he's serious or joking then truly there is no point taking this relationship to marriage. Not worth it.
    4) again "what you think " ," what you assume " shouldn't be a concluding point to say yes or no for the marriage. Be clear why he wants a marriage in the US ? What does he mean when he says "grandly and richly " .
    Nothing like talking it out and having a clear expectation from each other.
    5) again my reply is "refer point 3". If you are marrying someone you need to clearly understand when that person is serious and when he's joking. Calling someone dumb ,boring etc etc at this point of time is a clear signal that you both are not going to be compatible with each other for the rest of your life.

    Not sure how many conversations you had with him to decide on further steps. My advice is even a slight hint "this man is not for me " is enough for one to decide against an alliance.

    Yes run in the opposite direction from him. Apply these thoughts and experiences in your next alliance.

    Good luck and hope you find your man soon.
     
  8. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    Usually, all financial related Talks happen between both parents in arranged marriages. So, may be he is talking on behalf his parents. Looks like he is so practical that's why he told about sharing of cooking days, too.
    I worried about above quoted point. It is better to know his real feelings towards you. Do more conversions with him, analyse his and your feelings then think about marry or not to marry him. All the best!
     
    lavani and KashmirFlower like this.
  9. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Op,
    You can ask.him after a child is born how many days/night in week, he would change the diapers, take the child to doctor if sick, how many times play with the child, etc etc...

    Too much money minded. Run away from him.
     
    shravs3 and Angela123 like this.
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    If OP has to get married with this guy (because of parents pressure and all), this would be a good time to talk about prenup?
    This feels more like a roommate arrangement? Where is the love and initial attraction of couples? What happens when one is sick? What happens when there is a baby at a later stage and Op decides to stay home to take care of the child?
    One other important thing I see is that OP is on green card, so she has a more stable status and is on path to citizenship. So how does one make sure he wants this marriage because of his H1B status?

    However, even if some have incompatibilities, people get along and have a great marriage because they are like these puzzle pieces a that fit together and are a part of something complete. It is hard to tell from the beginning especially when it is an arranged marriage. IMO, get to know him a little bit more. Then make the decision. It will be even harder if things take a wrong turn after marriage.
     
    Rihana and Amica like this.

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