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Marriage lifestyle and where to live, help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    To preface my situation, I have always been an NRI, and have lived my entire life in the US. My husband grew up in Chennai but has lived in the US since he came for his masters 8 years ago. We met through our family, and essentially had a hastly arranged marriage due to his family's conservative beliefs. My marriage is generally on the rocks, with a couple days of sunshine, but I've accepted that. What bothers me is that my husband wants to move to India and wants me to be supportive. Considering my upbringing, I never thought to move to India despite having family there.

    Is it fair for him to move us to India? Am I being selfish to prefer a life in US- where I grew up, where my friends are, where my parents are, and where I had held a job? On the same end, his parents are in India, and he is happier (and easier to deal with) when he's in India... It feels like I'm choosing my happiness over his. Any thoughts?
     
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  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmmm, it is not going to work unless you are madly in love with someone -JMO

    Even then, when the love fades, the reality will kick in.
     
  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Why? What do you guys fight about?

    How come? Kids? Fear of divorce?

    What is the source of this 'good weather'? Do you see no chance of using this as a foundation to grow the positives?

    Why? Family? Career? Other interests? Is he doing well in the US?
    Who is responsible for old-age care for his parents?

    Or he over yours? :wink: 'Selfish' is a very freighted word. Not much help in calmly thinking things through. It is OK to be apprehensive about such a big move. Let the negative labeling go.

    You need to first sort out the variables - for example, what sort of lifestyle would you have in India? Would it involve living with the 'conservative' in laws? Do you have no 'Indian' interests at all (arts, language, music, travel)? Given that residency is not an issue, is it a permanent move or could it be an 'experiment'?

    Most importantly, how steadfast is your husband's desire to move? What is his reaction to your reservations? What is the projected time-frame? Is it possible that he is unhappy in the marriage as well & simply reaching for the familiar and comforting?
     
  4. Saimya

    Saimya New IL'ite

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    I am surprised that after 8 years of being away from India in the US, your husband now suddenly wants to move back to India after marriage. May I ask is he the only son whom his parents are dependent on? Before marriage did you guys discuss such a possibility? In my experience of speaking with guys I notice some say yes to everything but may not be actually committed to their "yes".
    I am no family expert but I reckon you would need to think deeply about this and have an open conversation. After all he knows you have lived outside India all your life when he married you.
     
    sindmani and coolgal123 like this.
  5. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is this something you discussed before getting married? If you didn't give him any assurance that you'd be okay moving to India, then you aren't being selfish. Personally, I understand how difficult life in India can be for someone not raised in the Indian idiom, so to speak. The culture-shock is immense and very hard to deal with.

    If you had a good marriage and were inclined to experience life in India, it would be doable, but the way things stand you shouldn't do it. A conservative family brings with it a plethora of issues that you cannot even begin to imagine. I don't think hoping that he will be happier is a good enough reason to move. It could make things worse.

    Do you think you can find some middle-ground? Visit more frequently? Take longer trips home? Are his parents permanent residents? Perhaps they could spend extended periods of time in the US? He will have their company and you won't have to uproot yourself entirely.
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Moving half way across the world is difficult in the best of marriages; in a "marriage on the rocks" it could spell disaster. I think you should work on your marriage before deciding on the move.

    Doing whatever it takes to fix your marriage is healthy and beneficial to all members of your family. IMHO, resignation to an unhappy relationship is the easier and arguably the more selfish path.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Does he expect you to find work there and support the family financially? If so then it should be a complete no no.

    You cannot be expected to leave your current job( if you are working) and start looking for a job in a totally alien country and alien work environment just to satisfy some whimsical wishes of his.

    If he does not expect you to earn, and has some very solid reasons for shifting eg old and sick parents etc etc then you can give it some thought. Though personally I don't think you will be able to survive there for more than a year or two.
     
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  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    My 2 cents...when married life is not going well, a move to India will add fuel to the fire. You being selfish is one angle and saving the marriage is another angle.
    IMHO, situation will be worse in India cuz you(a married women\DIL of a conservative family) will be expected to do lot more. And husband will seldom support you as he will be happy getting back to his nest and will not move a inch in understanding you.

    In my case, we(me n H) were perfect and happy couple in US, but after we moved to India, things are totally different. H neither has time(cuz of office work or parents\relatives) nor mindset to understand what a married women(also working) in India goes through. He expects me to be like his mom.

    For you, understand the real reason to move to India. It should NOT be one of belongingness, parents, job security,etc. It can be these, but first you both should be happy about the move and figure out if it will bring positive changes. H\Sons feel that their parents need them since they are ageing. Even our parents are ageing. They need us too. Once they go their nest, they relax and never bother about anything, esp since they overworked in USA(in terms of household stuff).
    If you are not happy, don't move. If woman of the house is not happy, then no one will be happy.
     
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  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow, thank you for all your replies. It really helps me understand what I need to focus on, rather than feeling guilty. I think it's very true, that we need to work on our relationship before any move - especially a move like this, because I know my hubby has never worked in India either.
     
  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op dont do that.It doesnt matter if you are selfish or not.
     

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