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Marriage Is Not Ultimate! My Daughter Says So...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blessed, Jul 22, 2021.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The OP and you have to just wait patiently until she decides to tie the knot. You’ve all done the right things, raised daughters to be independent, strong women. Here is where they are showing their strength. Just continue to do what you are doing. When the time is right, kismat may throw you a curveball(or a lifeline depending on how you phrase it)!
     
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  2. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    OMG 23 is too early to get married . I did the same when i was asked to get married at 23 and finally got married at 26. Life after marriage is not a bed of roses for anyone as there are so many issues and responsibilities . I think you should let her take her own decision .
     
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  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you dear for your detailed reply, yes agreed 23 is to early, what we thought is by the time they get to know each other and we fix a marriage date she will be 25, the boys parents were also not in a hurry so for us this was a great idea, but my DD doesnt want to commit into any relationship now, according to her she is planning many trips in the coming years including a Europe tour for one month, as of now she has to inform only us but if she is committed to any relationship she has to inform him, his family etc for that matter any decision like switching to other job or home she does not need to ask or inform anyone but when in a relationship they have to make joint decision, now she wants to just live her life. She also said once she decides to get married then it will be a serious commitment any decision will be consulted with her partner. I was amazed with her maturity which I think should be appreciated.
     
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  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    That was really bad what happened to you, thank God you were bold enough to get a closure in your first marriage and took another right step, you could do this because you have a job which gave you confidence, I will never force her to get married but will be very happy when she is ready.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    You could wait for an other year or two..yes one of your point is right, even if she agrees and you start looking for alliance no guarantee it will click immediately...it takes some months, or a year or sometimes longer also for some people to find proper arranged match. ..one of my cousin also kept delaying, only after age of 26 she agreed..now she is close to 28 and no news , either she rejects the guy or from guy side they say no or some issue with locations ( she doesn’t like relocating to certain cities , she has preference for guy living in certain cities only ).. or some other incompatibility and her marriage hasn’t been fixed still and her parents are worried...they’re very traditional and my aunty has major health issues, so eager to perform daughters wedding which is a major responsibility when health permits...so I understand your concern as a mother.

    your daughter seems quite sensible and smart..thing is that all these years have been spent in studies and getting degree, getting admission in goodness’s universities, studying hard for a good GPA, getting placed in a good company etc..youngsters feel the need for a break to see the world, travel, spend some time for their self improvement, settle in career etc before thinking of binding themselves into relationships..if she already met and liked someone the situation would have been different, but as no guy has interested her and she hasn’t dated she would want to wait and cautiously proceed..you could take up the topic when she is 24 or 25.. she may be in a different frame of mind at that time.
     
  6. dhara18

    dhara18 Senior IL'ite

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    She is just 23 year old.. generation is changing. You rather be proud on your daughter that her direction for life is clear and she has decision making skill at this young age. Stand with her and support her.. there are many more things to do other than getting married. Your married life wasn't bed of roses , let's hope she get roses with each walk she takes, guide her but don't force her
    She seems good child. All good luck to her.
     
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Has she got someone? In the US? A boyfriend?
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    The thing is, marriage is also a gamble...some marriages are successful, some are not.
    If your daughter is well qualified, and financially independent, and in good position professionally,, many advantages Like she can get good match from good well settled family and well to do guy, they can lead comfortable lifestyle due to good double income, and god forbid something goes wrong in their marriage later on and she cannot continue she can boldly take a step to walk out...many ladies are stuck in bad and toxic marriage she because they do not have any source of income and are financially dependant and suffer silently.
     
  9. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes @blessed you and your husband have raised a wonderful capable young woman.


    My daughter just turned 23, studying in the US and will take atleast another 4-5 years before she can settle down. It worries me too so I do understand your need to settle your daughter's life.

    On the other hand I was also 23 once, when my parents ( not directly but thru my friends) conveyed how worried they were as I was not keen to get married. So I agreed and was married in a couple of years. But you know what, mentally I was prepared with Plan B, in case this marriage didnt work out I would get out, I had the confidence of striking out on my own. By some miracle, I didnt have to rely on plan B. In hind sight I did a stupid thing. One should marry because one wants to get married, not because that would help parents do their duty or for their happiness. I just got lucky.

    Well imho, you shouldn't. You have done your part. And done it well. Very well. Trust her. She has it planned out and it seems a well calculated and pragmatic plan.
    If she has just started to work, give her atleast a couple of years to settle in and find her bearings. She might change her mind when she feels confidant of her career and starts longing for a life partner. Or she might not. Either way, be there for her. As a mother, even though you want the best for her, trust that she knows what is best for her. So she will trust you enough to listen to your wisdom, knowing your target is not to influence her decision, but to support her with your worldly experiences

    Isnt that a proud moment? that your DD has her own views?
    If 26 is Ok why not 28? You need to tell her that .

    Sharing my convos with DD over time
    When DD and I got an opportunity to discuss, I told her 28 is still ok, but the older she gets , the less buffer and options she has. It would be good to marry, build a good foundation with her partner before starting a family. And at 28 , her potential partners would be in early 30s. And as she gets older, more of the "good husband material" guys would already be married. So the pool of eligible grooms will shrink a lot. Just stats and probability. So dont set 28 as a goal post , start at 25/26 maybe something will click, may be it will take a little longer. But then you will have time on your side. Not like one in thirties wouldnt find a great husband, just that the probability reduces.
    And like it or not, the biological clock is ticking. Having a child may not seem so important now but when (and if) maternal instinct kicks in, it will be a force to recon with. And it is best to be settled with a partner before embarking on starting a family.

    I also talk with her about her cousins and friends and what works for them, what didnt work for them. About how marrying the right person is important, because life is a journey , and marriage is foremost about having a life partner. Career, studies, marriage, children dont have to be exclusive. Having a supportive partner is what will make the difference.

    DD currently thinks that "arranged marriage " isnt her "thing". Well we'll see. I told her the "match maker Sima aunty" in me is ever ready if she changes her mind, haha.
     
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  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    This! If only I can practice this level of detachment

    Amen!
     
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