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Marriage Is Not Ultimate! My Daughter Says So...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blessed, Jul 22, 2021.

  1. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Indian girl who writes for Stephen Colbert [The Late Show on CBS TV] talks about meeting the "alliance candidate" for an arranged marriage: See video at 4:50 min.

     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    OP should read feedback #8 to overcome about her apprehensions and stop worrying and start living carefree. Daughter is in a distant land and seems quite matured level headed person and she would certainly carve her way and future.

    Pestering her at this stage would only lead to confrontation and add to her discomfiture.

    With best wishes
     
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  3. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Silver IL'ite

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    23 is very young to be honest. I’m glad you managed to have an outspoken and clear daughter who knows what she wants and does not want in life. Decisions may or may not change and it seems you have given her a great headstart in life already. Great mum!

    Allow her to live a bit, get to know people more in her work environment, living environment and she might have an idea of what kind of partner she wants. As parents we know you see what’s on paper but personality is never on paper and that’s important for today’s generation. Let her know what she wants and come to you about it.

    In the meantime do enjoy the fruits of your labour now!
     
  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @blessed
    your daughter is a very smart girl. Till now she has shown you can trust her, right? She's been on her own for 2-3 years, and done a good job isn't it? Studied hard, got a good job etc. When she has clearly given a time window you should trust her about that also. Dont be scared unnecessarily that even after 5 years she will say no. She won't do that.
    This phase of life she's in - its like a golden period, you know. I myself look back very fondly on my 20's. So many things I did, so many things I tried, new experiences. Till 21- 22 years, kids are busy with one thing or other, school, applications. Now is the time after getting a job that they can relax, they can breathe a little, get an idea of what they really want to do in life, understand themselves etc. Dont deny her this time.

    But about your role in her life - that has changed definitely and you should realize that. She is an adult, independent and living on her own, and we parents can only guide them, or gently influence them. Whoever she decides to get married to will be ultimately her decision. You people - you and husband - can only suggest or guide. This is not unique to you alone. Boys or girls - All of us parents are in the same boat.
     
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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Ratna,
    Noted your content
    Yeah we told her to just meet this guy since he was interested, anyways we are not getting them married soon after the meeting maybe he will be prepared to wait until she is ready, but she downright refused as marriage is not in her thoughts right now.
     
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  6. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you Hopikrishnan, I will try my best not to raise this topic with her again, she has just started to clear her student loan and we have saved enough for her wedding this also is one of the reason for us to pressurize her, yes our behaviour is just like any typical Indian parents.
     
  7. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your time and concern, you are truly inspiring, when I read your reply I immediately thought I will never open this marriage topic again at least for the next few years.
    True ,she was very independent right from childhood, my hubby was ready to fund her education but she insisted on taking loan, she attentively listens to everyone's advice and opinion the final decision will be hers.


    Exactly what happened to me around 24 years ago , I was naive , unemployed and no clue what is in store for me, ended up to be an unpaid maid in my new home, I still regret the initial years of my marriage, that is the reason I wanted my DD to have strong foundation .
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2021
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  8. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    As a parent what you feeling is normal. but nothing to worry,let her build her career before settling with some one. One at a time This is a big world.
     
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    23 - 26 years is a good age for a girl to get married in general..but it depends in family background, studies, work profile etc..
    These days the world is not good and it’s better but if a girl complete she her studies and establishes her career before settling down..and is earning well and financially independant..coz life ain’t a bed of roses after marriage..
    Let me give u my example, I got married at an early age , though I got job and continued job after marriage I had to make many compromises in my career...
    For example I couldn’t take any outstation assignments s it would require me to relocate to other city, I was unable to take high profile assignments as I wasn’t sure if I could manage both career and family, also after marriage due to many family functions and few deaths I had to take many leaves...exhaustion from making office work and household chores and cooking...not to mention big dramas created by in laws that made me mentally disturbed and drew my focus away from my career growth..
    But since both my husband and me were too young and immature, though we liked each other , I’m not sure we had the maturity to manage responsibility that come with marriage...both of us made many mistakes..these combined with interference of in laws made me a bitter person..since we had only started off in our careers, we had to cut down on many expenses, like domestic help, travel and vacations, shopping etc due purchases etc so we could save up...
    I could have taken time to see the outside world, maybe switched a few jobs and got work experience, maybe done another degree, maybe dated a few guys and understand outside world before settling down..but I didn’t,.,
    I was a typical good girl who listened to elders and settled down when they told me to..
    Right now I’m not working , and when in laws are here I’m an unpaid maid only..when I wasn’t working I got respect.
    So pls do not underestimate the value of career.
    Let your daughter get married when she wants to...
    Let her know that If she has someone in mind and is dating a guy she can tell you freely.
    She may have some mental baggage too..
    She has seen her mom being ill treated by in laws and husband and this may have made her sceptical about the system of marriage as she may feel that marriage is not good and there’s is n happiness in marriage only suffering etc...you need to find out if this is a reason..
    For now tell her to meet the guy with no expectations . If she doesn’t like him it’s ok and you won’t pressure her.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    For all those saying let her just meet the guy, I understand the daughter’s reluctance. Since this is a known alliance it might be even more difficult to back out after the meeting. It’s one thing if it’s just a proposal that comes from shaadi.com but where the parties know each other it can become even more awkward to say no afterwards.
     

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