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Marriage Is Not Ultimate! My Daughter Says So...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by blessed, Jul 22, 2021.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi ladies

    I am back for your valuable opinions after a very long gap.

    A little intro about me for the new ladies in the group, I am married for 25 years and have a beautiful daughter who is going to be 23 soon, initially my married life was not bed of roses, I had my share of in laws and husband problems but for the past 9-10 years my life is beautiful and perfect.

    I was married of at a very young age and my father's decision was final, we actually didn't have any choice either be it our education nor choosing our life partner everything was decided by my Dad, so when my DD was born I decided then and there itself my daughter should be independent and confident before she gets married, by the blessings of God she was brilliant right from her childhood, my life revolved around her until she left to US for her masters, she completed and is now working there, she is everything I dreamt of, beautiful, bold, qualified and presently living alone in an apartment, around three months ago we got a proposal from a boys parents who are our distant relative who is also working in US after his masters , he is two years senior to my DD, good looking and we know their family background, all seems to be so perfect moreover the boy and his family were very interested in fact he was ready to go and meet her in her place though he lives in other state, but my DD put her foot down and said she is not interested in meeting him nor anyone, she is clearly stating that right now she is focusing on her career and her personal life and marriage is not in cards for at least next 5 years.

    This has kept me worrying about her, all these years she never troubled me in any ways she was an awesome child, but now I feel we gave her to much of independence that she feels she doesn't have to listen to any one, her father also failed in convincing her.
    May be waiting for another 2 -3 years is okay, but 5 years is kind to much what if she is not ready even after 5 years, getting married and having your own family is definitely required for every girl but my dd has her own views, how do I convince her?
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2021
    RatnaMalliswari likes this.
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    It’s understandable your worry as a parent BUT let me place a fact…

    Not just marriage,but people say so many things so stubbornly that they will be this way and that way etc etc but they change.

    Human beings change according to the situation and convenience.We all say one thing and many a times do a different thing.

    She is only 23. Secondly,who knows..she might fall in love or she might be okay with arrogance marriage after 2 years or she might get married maybe around 28…

    I know many cases where the girl has put her foot down stubbornly and infact my own cousin in Hyderabad who was as quiet as a cat,no Interst shown in marriage was the first one to marry and that ok love marriage:)

    So relax a bit. Things will fall in place.
     
  3. RatnaMalliswari

    RatnaMalliswari Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Mam
    Every girl will have some kind of fear before marriage,you have been supporting her all these days,talk to her to know why she need 5yrs,I mean know the exact reason.After certain age we kids can't tell all fears to parents i.e what after marriage we need to face.
    Ask her to meet the boy,say all that she want to be after marriage,and what kind of support he can give,what she expecting from his partner.
    Don't force her,or tell he is the only guy whom she need to marry.
    Madam as a mother you know what she is expecting from her marriage life.
    You will get some clue.Due to some preconceived notion daughters will have fear of marriage and they just postponed, saying career or some other reason.
    Yes your daughter said correct marriage is not ultimate,but when we have choice to choose something what's wrong in making a trial.If everything works well she will have one more beautiful life.
    You can tell your daughter if she don't like ,you people will not force her to marry that guy.
    If she is not interested to meet personally atleast she can talk in phone, she can talk as if to a friend,if she feel comfort,she herself will take decision to move further.
    You can say to ur dad,if groom understand what she wants to be in this 5yrs,if he can support her even after marriage then it's a double benefit to her.She can form her career as well as marriage life.
    Hope my points will be useful to you,if anywhere I am wrong, please forgive me treating as your daughter.
    Regards
    Ratna
     
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  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    She is only 23 and 5 yrs is not that long gap considering present generation.What if she finds her soul mate in next year or two..
    Setting up career is easy before marriage .After all she studied hard to reach this level ,I think you as a modern mom should give her bit more time
     
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I have a daughter [born and raised in USA], older than yours. Well employed, has no student loan debts, and she says she'd marry when she'd marry. I do not ask the "are you seeing anyone" question like local parents might, because I don't think I need to know more than what I should. Each year I keep raising the amount of money I will spend on her wedding . When children had left home, fending for themselves, all we can do is to watch them from a distance and be happy that they are safe, and doing well for themselves.
    This one reminded me of that joke about A priest, a minister and a Rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asked the Rabbit what he'd have, and the Rabbit answered: "Nothing... I am here because of an auto-correct of spelling."
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2021
  6. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    IMO, 23 for women and 25 for men is a bit early to get married these days. Main factor is establishing themselves in their career and navigating young adult life by themselves without parents involvement for few years. That can make a world of difference when entering new relationship and parenthood down the line. There is also a chance they have someone they are interested in or looking forward meet someone awesome and fall in love with.

    You can suggest that she can meet the guy and if they click they can decide to keep in touch and see how things progress down the line but no pressure to decide right away.
     
    blessed and KashmirFlower like this.
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulations on raising a smart, independent successful young lady!
    23 is really young to be married these days. Your daughter is establishing her career and herself as a person now, and from what you’ve written about her even earlier she seems to be level-headed and clear-eyed. She may not want to tie herself down so soon. It doesn’t mean she’ll never want to get married and settle down in the near future. If she meets someone of her choice then you should also approach that situation with an open mind.
    We raise our children with a lot of freedom while instilling our values into them, but it may not be reasonable to suddenly insist on a traditional arranged marriage just because it is historically the right time.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If you have a son, what would you have done? Will you force him to marry? Or allow him to focus on his career? She is only 23y, too young to start a family. Good that she is financially independent. Let her live her life the way she wants it. Let her chase her dreams. Let her breath fresh air. Let her enjoy her bachelor life. Let her enjoy her career. She should be ready to start a new innings her life. Only then think about marriage. It gives her also a clear idea on what type of partner she wants and may find the right one. Miles to go.

    In your life, even if your PILS or dh created problems, don’t you think your lack of maturity at that young age and also inability to handle problems had contributed to the problems early in your marriage. Now you are mature enough to handle anything, so you have a good life. Do you want your daughter to go through the same?

    I can understand her feelings because I faced the same. I am with her. I can also understand your thinking because my mother had gone through the same feelings. My parents also thought about getting me married after my masters (~22y). They had immense pressure from society and relatives. But I wanted to pursue PhD and have my own career/dreams. It was not easy on my parents as we are all from a village and the society thinks marriage is the ultimate destiny for girls. But I was very firm with it. After lot of issues finally they gave in. I got PhD from the one of the best institutions, got prestigious fellowships, now enjoying my dream career in USA. I came to know from my teachers that it encouraged many girls in my village to pursue their dreams. I also got married when I was 28y when I was ready for it. Now I have career, kids, family, marriage. Everyone is happy. I have to say there were moments of self-doubt. But dedication, confidence and hard work helped me along with blessing from my parents I believe.

    If I have not taken that decision, I would have ended up in somebody's kitchen in my native place fighting with PILs or DH (because of frustrations of giving up my dreams). I would not have enjoyed what freedom is. I would have survived, not lived my life the way I want it to be.

    OP, please support her. She knows her path. Let her learn from her mistakes. She asked for time. That's all. Looks to me like a very smart, confident woman. Be proud of her. I am 100% sure that you will be so happy in future for this step. It very important to know what we want, the challenges and problems. She knows it, that's great. Not many have that clarity in thinking. She asked for 5ys, it doesn’t mean that she is not going to marry or settle down before that period. If she is career oriented, sacrificing that will never make her happy.

    You can definitely listen to her, communicate your concerns, that will give you clarity. It is very important to be independent in all aspects before marriage. That makes a huge difference in one's life. It all depend on one's priorities in life. She knows her path.
    Marriage is just a part of life. Let it be like that. Priorities can change any time in our life. Let her find it herself. In my opinion, it will be great if she can find her own partner too. I wish her a great career, freedom, financial independence, a loving partner and a great life.

    Be happy for her. Ask yourself, do you want your daughter to live her dream life or just get married and survive for everyone and go through same struggles? If you support her, it will give her confidence, inspires her to be a responsible individual and allow her to respect your dreams too.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2021
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  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    23 years is not too old to get married these days. I can understand as a parent you are worried but most of my friends including myself were focussing on career at that age and got married only few years after.
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hope this happens, I will be the happiest
     
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