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Marriage in deep Trouble? Does he need counselling ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by asmita23, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. asmita23

    asmita23 New IL'ite

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    Hey Guys,
    I posted here last time and got many Great Advices. So i want to post in more details as I really cant tell anyone about all this.

    My marriage is in Great Trouble. Its been 2 months since my Marriage and i have moved to US with all my possessions.
    Since the day we landed we have been fighting like cats and dogs.There are various incidents :-
    I made a mistake and my husband shouted on me real bad. When i tried to explain that shouting is not right he shouted more on the streets (US) where we were walking (eventhough in Hindi). The Arguments escalated and in Hotel room he threw thew stuff here n there and finally when i couldnt listen to shouting i stood in a corner with my ears closed and so he came took hold of me and threw me on the bed. He did realize by evening that what he did was wrong and did apologize a lot.
    Fights continue:-
    I misplaced a phone he had given me and again had to face his shoutings , him kicking things here and there.. We did find the phone soon.

    He keeps inviting all his friends to US especially right now when we have less money and are facing so many maratial problems ourselves( have to buy car n all also). When i suggested that maybe he can wait 3-4 months and then call all of them so that we are financially stable he again shouted on me bad.Said this and that and how horrible i am and that as i have no friends like he does i am behaving this way. I have no problem with any of his friends and would love to be with them.I was just worried as our marriage is really in Huge trouble and want some time with him. My MIL , FIL and BIL are coming in June so we have to save up for that as well and so frnds might jus be too much to handle as of now.
    And i just wanted a husband wife discussion so that we can find a solution and he just lost it.

    There are soo many incidents :
    We were planning our trip and were looking for a hotel and i just suggested to check the hotel 15 $ more than the one he was booking ,as we had already stayed there once before and should try something new ,he again lost it . As per him when i know that we have problems financially how dare i suggest a costlier hotel and then the arguments started. I kept telling him that i am concerned and thats why i have not bought a single thing since here .. even though he wanted to buy me gifts on 2 occasions and I was the one to say NO . Bottom line he fought a lot n lot and thn finally did book the hotel that costed 15 $ more and guess what it was beautiful and we also got an upgrade. He also took me for a really expensive dinner maybe to make up but what is the point i didn't enjoy anything.

    I cut my finger real bad while opening food can and so asked him if he can help in dinner later on (he was tired) he got angry that i have no concern that he is soo tired. Why did i suggest it ? And when i know i cant open stuff why do i even try.I just wanted some small help as my hand was bleeding and i had pain .

    There are soo soo many small small things . He really becomes mean while fighting . Earlier he used to use really bad hindi gaali which he has stopped now but F@#K you n all are still used.He says things which will hurt me like :mera baap bhi mujhse aise nahi bool sakta hai tu kaun hoti hai . If i argue in english he is like kahan se seekha yeh ? ghar waalon ne sikhaya ,ya GMAT main padha ya net pe padha? As in he fights like how i have seen only in may be TV serials .He will say things to irritate me and and when i finally snap he will be like -dont you love fighting , you can just argue ,dont you just love stretching topics like rubber band.

    Guys i am very disturbed . This is after a love marriage where a lottt of money was spent. And i am all alone here.He used to track my FB and mails and confront me about the smallest things. Finally i did manage to change my PWDs.

    I was a very happy and bubbly girl . I was the girl who was always laughing and never getting involved in any arguments and so this all is really disturbing me. I am always sad and hardly smile . My hubby knows it . The thing is he is a good guy and also does many thing for me and loves me a lot . He says the day i leave him his life will end . But this side of his is too much to handle .

    Please tell me what to do.. I have spoken to him many times and he is saying he will change it all . But i feel i my heart is already damaged and i cant live such a life.

    PS: Yesterday he drank too much and cried a lott n lott becase of the issues we are having .. went out of the house on the streets at 12 in night drunk and crying .. Thankfully his brother called and made him come back to house . I was soo worried .
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2013
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  2. positivegal

    positivegal Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband is suffering with anxiety thats the result of impatience, anger. I guess there should be deep down something else that is eating him. It's really bad of him to abuse you, give him strong dose that you are not gonna bare it anymore. Consult a psychologist or a counselor as soon as possible.

    I wonder how did you not come to know abt his anger during coutship..
     
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  3. Wondergirl137

    Wondergirl137 Gold IL'ite

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    Two months is really really less time to settle down in any marriage.I don't know what is with such men that any small issue and they feel the need to control it only with anger and shouting. Few questions and then couple of suggestions. These all are based on my very recent experience only that mine was an arranged marriage and we are in India.

    1) Was your husband always an angry/abusive sort of person? Did you had a chance to interact with his family? Are they abusive/angry sorts as well? Did you ask him reason for such behaviour?

    2) Did he use abusive language before marriage...during your courtship period? If yes, then that was a red flag and you should have made it clear then that its not acceptable.

    3) Is he a liar as well or is honest to you? Men who are abusive by nature are many a times compulsive liars and big manipulators.

    4) Are you financially dependent on him? Did you have a job back in India? Can you work in US?

    Things you can do:

    1) This suggestion because I saw money being one major reason of your fights!
    Don't try to tell/suggest him on financial issues. Agreed that he is your husband and ideally husband-wives should make financial decisions together but that's the ideal case :) and it wont happen for next 2 years at least. Anything you say right now about money issues...he will take it as your controlling behaviour. Maybe your better than your husband at financial planning but let it be for a while. Make sure he gives you enough money for household expenses and groceries etc. Involve yourself in only house budget stuff and show your financial/savings expertise there. Don't worry about saving for car or saving for in-laws visit....its not only your headache...its his as well...and he will manage when the time comes. Its good to be responsible but don't be overly responsible for every household/finance issue.

    2) Marital fights during the first few years of marriage could be draining - both emotionally and physically because we are so much attached with the husband/wife. Try not to get hurt. Tell him very strongly not to use abusive language or to hit you. You even have the option of calling 911 in US. Put your point across in clear tone...no crying...no begging. Also get away from him and don't answer him back during his abusive episodes. Just remove yourself from him...your safety is most important and no-body has the right to hit you.

    3) If you can work...try getting a job asap. Staying at home post-marriage in a new country could be depressing. Join work...meet people and be independent- emotionally and financially.

    4) I don't see the problem in inviting his friends. Meeting-interacting with his friends would give you some idea of the kind of person your DH is. And friends hardly come for royal treatment....make it informal and fun get-togethers.

    If your husband is breaking things or has ever tried to harm himself or you..lies to you often for small small things....its a major red flag and you both should see counsellor/therapist.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2013
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  4. Decentguy

    Decentguy New IL'ite

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    For the benefit of people who can't understand hindi -

    mera baap bhi mujhse aise nahi bool sakta hai tu kaun hoti hai . Even my dad cannot talk to me like that. Who are you to talk like that?

    If i argue in english he is like kahan se seekha yeh ? ghar waalon ne sikhaya ,ya GMAT main padha ya net pe padha? From where did you learn all this? Did your family teach you or GMAT teach you or from the internet?
     
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  5. asmita23

    asmita23 New IL'ite

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    To positivegal : There were hints which i choose to ignore .. He was like this with people around him but always treated me with a lot of love and like a princess (FYI he was after me for 3 yrs and then i said yes thinking if he can wait soo long what else do i need). I had heard from some friends that he used to get into fights and drink a lot but after we started dating he did change and i never saw him do any such stuff.. so i thought that my love has changed him... But i guess I was wrong... He used to tell me that he fought with his mom and dad but i thought those are his family issues.. I didnt think that if he can fight with his mom dad he will fight with me also .. :( :( I am soo dumb..
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2013
  6. asmita23

    asmita23 New IL'ite

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    Wondergirl137 :
    1)Yes he was in college time .. and later on i had got to know about few such cases.I didnt meet his family before marriage (another huge blunder) but spoke a lot over phone...But after marriage i see similar nature in my MIL. And i have seen my DH and MIL fight and i was truly scared as it was very BAD ... And also my MIL got very angry on me also on 15th day after marriage for no mistake of mine ..Again stuff like :-i regret my son marrying you ,This girl wants my son to stop talking to me .. she should be happy now that he is not talking to me , I will never come to visit you this n dat

    2) No he never used bad language before marriage..

    3) Yes he lies .. I have found out that many things he used to say bfr marriage were not true ( like i dont drink or i am leaving smoking).. And not only to me but many ppl around him ... Many lies are just very small and some are big.. ( Yes i have mailed the docs when he hasnt , Yes i have left for party when we are still getting ready)

    4) Yes i am dependant on him financially.. I quit my Job in India as he got US posting and now i have to wait for my work permit here and then will start working hopefully.. He said that his boss has promised me job and thats why i agreed for movement to US else i would never ever have ... But now i am not very sure...
     
  7. destinedfate

    destinedfate Silver IL'ite

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    You said it was a love marriage? Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Since you guys were in a relationship before you two should have good understanding of each other. If his behavior was completely different before than there must be a underlying reason which is on his mind. IF his behavior was different before and suddenly changed.. no red flags before.. then one day just sit him down and peacefully ask him what is on his mind, tell him you will be on his side through anything and make it known that you are there for him. If there were red flags before the marriage than you need to think whether or not you want to be with him.. because the more you continue in the relationship, the harder it will be to end it, and you will lose more of your confidence and mental peace.

    Do whatever improvements you need to before June. Before your inlaws and bil get here you guys need to make the most of the privacy you have because things will change once they arrive (not saying your inlaws are bad or anything but there will be a lack of privacy). So sit down with him try talking things out.. tell him that being angry will not help and that you will not tolerate the violences.. I think you should just ignore all the little things for now.. once the bigger issues improve you wont even notice the little things.

    I know you are worried about the finances.. but for now enjoy time with his friends. You both will have much more responsibility once your inlaws and bil come to the US so enjoy right now. Not necessary that they need to come for dinner everytime.. you can have potlucks where everyone brings something, or you can find free outdoor events taking place and attend those.. there are many options. But enjoy this time with your husband because your responsibilities will increase in a few months.

    I understand where you are stressed about finances. I found out after marriage tht my husbands family was almost close to $100,000 in debt. It was very hard for me since I wasnt aware of it before marriage, and it did cause a strain on our marriage. But the problem in my marriage was that my fil was the one who made the decisions, and my husband never took responsibility and spoke for anything. You seem like you have your focus set correctly regarding finances. But dont make it into a bigger issue and have it strain your marriage. In the US there are so many ways to save money.. so many sales, you can always save on groceries, you can always find deals. Use what you already know, learn some more money making skills, and show your expertise to your husband.

    As wondergirl suggested.. find hobbies, do things for yourself try becoming independent so you arent bored and have more confidence.

    Looking forward to your response so we can understand the situation much better.
     
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  8. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    There is no good future with such a husband, if you stay in this marriage you will learn to live with him and that so called bubbly happiness would never be seen in you.

    These kind of abusers are emotional abusers who would show different faces in different times. You cannot leave nor live types it becomes.

    Once u learn to live, there is no look back, down the line u will have kids, you will live in this marriage for kids... Nothing would change. It would go worse. It is their basic nature which is bad that they can yell or speak any crap which can never change even when burnt.

    Good luck
     
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  9. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, he needs help as he is verbally and emotionally abusive. He may also turn into a physical abuser..he has already thrown u on the bed. He needs help..but I don't think it will be easy to convince him that he needs help. He is also manipulative..he threatens that he cannot live without u and yet he continually abuses u.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    DrK is right. There seems to be no good future with this man. You cannot leave nor live sums it up.

    Each upcoming event or life's to-do takes precedence over the basic stuff you are trying to fix. Preparing for in-laws coming over will take precedence in a few weeks.

    When both of you are calm, tell him, he has 8 weeks to show real change. If you do not see sincere attempts on his part, and the incidents do not go down significantly, you are leaving the marriage. Reach a decision before in-laws arrive.

    Good Luck. Be careful and do not end up pregnant in the meanwhile.
     

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