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Marriage And Career Adjustments.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sneha1985, Apr 27, 2021.

  1. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello,

    Single and married women (guys can reply too :blush:), during courtship/getting to know each other phase were you asked by the other person to make adjustments or give up your career if you wanna get married to them? I understand the responsibility of balancing work and family and I know I can do it, but I am surprised couple of guys I came across in last 3 years clearly asked me to give up completely on my professional dreams for marriage.

    My story - Have been talking to 2 guys for past few months one of which lives in Canada. We haven't been able to meet in-person due to travel ban between Canada and US. He is about 7 years elder to me, in his early 40's and we have been talking since December. I felt he is more mature over the other guy I am talking to, but had sensed some controlling issues from his end, but I thought he might be better in-person so thought waiting and giving it a try.

    Fast forward, last month my whole family in India was affected by Covid including my 6 months old nephew and my parents had to be hospitalized, dad was in ICU. Also lost my grandma recently. I was communicating with him, but not as much because I was quite stressed due to all these. During our last couple of calls he would always ask how many guys I am talking too and how many guys I am meeting in-person these days. I think he wanted to know if I am talking to anyone other than him.

    Today suddenly he lashed out at me saying he has been talking to me for 5 months and things are not moving between us. I told him there is nothing I can do as we are not able to meet due to Covid. In past we had discussed about me moving to Canada after marriage if we clicked and that he won't have to do any paper work for me since I have Canadian PR. Today he was just yelling and asked me if I have started looking for jobs and when am I planning to move. He said after we meet and if we like each other, he is not going to wait more than couple-few weeks to get married, so I should have a plan in place. In past I had asked him if he would be open to move to US after marriage when he said no as an answer, I never judged him or asked another question. However, somehow he bought that thing up today and said my question was stupid and didn't make any sense for me to ask him that since his family lives there (he doesn't live with his family, but they live in same country. He resides on other end of Canada) so obviously he won't be ready to move.

    He then asked me my next 3 years personal and professional goals and when I told him I am working hard to move up the professional ladder in next 6-8 months and also plan on getting married in next couple of years if I find a match. His response was, "it doesn't look like you would be investing in marriage even after getting married". He said he knows women in late 30's and early 40's who are on anti-depressant since they are not married and were chasing their career and told me even I will be like them if I don't focus on getting married. He said this applies only to women and not to guys since they can still find a woman in their 40's. He wants me to work, but more like a 9-5 job and clearly asked me to tell him if I still want to chase the career. He said few other mean things too, but I will skip those for now otherwise post will get more long.

    Based on his attitude, I and my family decided not to move ahead with him. But I was left in shock with his behavior, him being a very well-educated guy.
     
    pocahontas and drdiva like this.
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  2. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I am not sure like what suggestions you are looking in this scenario as you have taken the decision based on situation( which I completely understand and you/your family are correct decision makers for your life, no one else).

    But if your question is regarding career adjustments after marriage, I can give you a brief answer.

    There will be some adjustments definitely after marriage, things will be smooth if both/You alone plan ahead. Once I have heard in a motivational talk that balancing of career of women after marriage is in her hand.

    if you ask me what is priority career or family? I say both and always priority should be set for that day, for that hour for that second

    For example: If my child is sick and I have an urgent meeting , In this case my child is priority, I will skip the meeting
    If MIL needs help in kitchen/shopping/religious activities and I have a meeting in that case I will prioritize my career.

    Some times it is tough for women, if she is focusing on career people might say ,she neglects house and if you focus on house they say you have no interest on career.

    So never prey fall to the judgements of other people, Do what is correct for you, prioritize what is the actual need at that minute.

    Coming to your other point

    Moving to the location of groom working while searching for matches is your personal choice, what works for you and what does'nt work.

    I myself moved from one place to another place for my fiancee job at that time and at that time my job was not that great, later I took up a very nice job in a different location and my husband moved for me.

    Now we both are good in our careers, none of our careers got affected.

    It is all in over hands and I would like to end this answer with one last point, life is like waves in ocean, will have up's and downs, even if wave is flowing and if some one throws stone it gets distrubed, but it doesnt stop flowing.

    ( Dont want to be too preachy here, All the best for your search)
     
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    You and your family did right thing. Good he revealed his true colors before marriage.

    If any guy says women chasing their career is wrong you should say now a days guys are not dependable and I don’t want to be on street or get exploited because I am financially dependent on him. My job is for my financial independence and dignity just like yours. After you both get kids you can take career break if needed but there should be good support from husband.
     
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  4. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel that perfection is a myth. No person is perfect. As per my opinion one should marry to someone with whom she/ he feel good and can relate their lives to them. Like family background, interests, life's beliefs etc. After marriage no matter who the person is everyone has to deal with each situation each day separately.
     
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  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Precise and mature answer.
     
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  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    For marriages in a woman's 30's where she may be well established in her career, earning enough to support a spouse and child, it is best to marry LOCAL, so that moving, job-change, and adjustments can all be avoided. If she is planning to marry across state lines or national boundary, then have him move to where she is.

    A man in early 40's, feeling lonesome like a Canuck would, especially in cold weathers, imagining the American chatter talking to other candidates also, suddenly lashing out ? Should we even wonder why :facepalm::p? Reread that Freudian slip of a sentence :rolleyes: RFLOL.

    I noticed that this is still within the Edit time.... so... adding inputs for the post that comes below....
    and the girl who adjusts, and moves ? What is she, a brainiac ?
    In our tradition, many marriages have unasked/unanswered questions. What happens, who adjusts to whom, who compromises and tolerates a downgrade in lifestyle/career etc.. are all negotiated after marriage, and the chips fall according to the negotiating position and the bargaining skill of the H or W. When other parties (usually in-laws) are involved in the negotiations, the struggle goes on for decades, with one or both sides suffering an unhappy home. If they had produced spawns, and no congenital problems, the kids may learn much in a dysfunctional family. Eventually something useful might happen. For those not playing this sort of long game, marrying someone who requires the least compromise on the part of the woman is the best way to go.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2021
  7. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    @lalithasharma9 , @ProudIndian , @messedup and @anika987 - Thanks for your reply!

    I also do believe in going with the flow since things change as per situations and circumstances. However I do look for good nature and if person can handle change of situation/circumstances in life. I had met a guy in past who was not open to changes in his life post marriage. Only time he was ready to accept change in his life was after having kids.

    However the guy that I mentioned about in my post and another similar guy that I had met in the past with whom I was almost about to get married, things between us had started great. Initially they show that they are very supportive in everything I want to achieve. But then slowly or as things start getting serious, I see demands coming out and the starting lines are... "I will want this...", "I won't accept this...", "I will not do this or that...", "You will have to do this or that...". I was presented with a list of some demands yesterday, which seemed like coming from a controlling attitude. This freaks me out and I try to step back afterwards.

    Yesterday as well I told him I am open to move to Canada after marriage. But before ending the call he shouted and told me that next time we talk he wants to hear my plans of moving to Canada and how everything will work out from my end. I haven't even met him yet. He even said that any guy who moves for a girl would be a fool.

    Well from this post, I was looking if such demands before meet/marriage are common and you ladies who have went through the process would know it better. I was just asking so I can act accordingly next time around. I understand people have to make changes after marriage and I am more open for it as a discussion and not as a command.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    The arranged marriage work well mostly when both have similar family, social, economic, educational back ground. This similarly helps them to connect better. Its also important to have similar ethics, molal values.

    Unfortunately our society is patriarchial. So even educated men expect wife to do all the traditional roles as homemaker, wife and mother. These men expressed their demands and showed who they are. So you also have to express your denands too, like your financial independence, your career etc. Never gave up your job or career or dreams for marriage. You will never be happy. So find someone who supports you.

    In my case I mentioned that i will contnue my career in my selected field. I wont change field or quit my job or take break as its my passion. I worked a lot for it.
    But the finalised persons were through proper channel. I didn't chat before meeting thst petson or family. So only to those who was selected by my family after their screening.
    It will be good If you can find a spouse for yourself. But if you want to go through arranged marriage route, follow the selection procedure by you and parents. Go for further chats after meeting the person in real. Some guys just use it and timepass and are not serious.

    No one is perfect. But is an important to find someone whom you are comfortable with. You have already took the decision. Good for you. No need to tolerate a controlling person or abuser. But in my opinion its good to have a firm discussion on main aspects, demands and expectations before proceeding with marriage. Also stick with it. You have to convey that you are firm on your career plans.

    However life is about adjustment. We have to prioritize whats important for us. These priorities can change during the course of our life. We should know what we want. That will help the journey.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2021
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @sneha1985,

    I am 67 years old and I have no meaningful suggestion to make to you about how to balance finding a good match for you without much interference to your career. Many have suggested here that adjustment is needed to enter into wedlock. But demanding the prospective alliance to commit to something before moving to the next step is extremely aggressive.

    My son is 32 years old and my wife's friend suggested a prospective alliance for him. We, in good faith, decided to pursue, and with repeated persuasion, my son agreed to talk to her over the phone. They talked every weekend for 3 months over 20+ hours (including all-night talk once). Initially, my son told that she likes her a lot. 60 days down the road, his body language was leaning towards discontinuing to pursue the alliance.

    One fine day, he made both of us (parents) sit down and explained everything that happened in the past week or two. He said okay to the girl wanting to pursue her career. He even agreed when the girl suggested that she was not interested in having a baby (surprisingly). Had we known that request, we would have turned it down right away immediately. She also suggested that my son should tell her parents that he doesn't like to have a baby for which my son replied how you handle your parents are your prerogative and he would not get involved. Later she came back to tell her mom wants her to have a baby and hence he should agree to that request. He said okay to it as well. Finally, the good feeling broke down when she suggested that my son should move to the place where she lives and pursues her career and her parents will live with her for 12-13 years until she raises a child. At that point, my son turned down further discussions. He told us that he would not be happy even if we were to live with him leave alone inlaws. He even suggested that whether it is her parents or his parents, they should have a roof of their own even if they live in the same city. The girl was very open in telling my son that she was about to get married last year but at the last minute the bridegroom got into an argument with her mother and hence they walked away. We spoke to the parents of the girl but they never told us anything about this. We were surprised they spent a lot of money on the wedding arrangement in India only to turn it down later. This happened before COVID.

    At this point, he told us not to bring any more alliances and he would marry someone he likes on his own for which we both readily agreed.
     
  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    My suggestion would be prepare a questionnaire for yourself & prospective groom. Wrt to career, finance, prenuptial, home management, as yourself how much you can tolerate.

    Unfortunately our society is still patriarchal the men think they are demigod, all ladies would be waiting for him with garlands.
    But educated sensible modern women breaks the chain which they don't like or approve.
    You stick to your career and find a person with good heart. Adjustment should come in both ways.
    Now a days I see either man or women go to extreme adjusting later after 15-20 yrs having resentment.
    First talk to prospective grooms in zoom meeting with family members. If it works out go for personal calls, do avoid max chats.
    We don't know who could use chats against what.

    @Viswamitra sir I really appreciate your son's decision, let him find his mate. Imo mindset should match.
     
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