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Marriage Alliance - Expecting financial support from the bride by working

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zoomitup, Jan 11, 2014.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    I really appreciate the fact that this guy is responsible and upfront.

    HOWEVER, there are too many questions, some of which have been already mentioned.

    Like others asked, how much of the responsibility does he have to bear?
    What is his sil doing? Is she not capable of working and bringing in the money for the family?
    What part of your income does he expect you to contribute?
    How much would he be willing to put away from your income to support your parents and your family at a later date?
    Will he be able or willing to pitch in equally and fairly towards bringing up your kids at home and helping you with the household chores? If not he cannot insist on your working.
    Will you be prepared to give up everything and everyone near and dear to you in case this marriage requires you to be completely dedicated to their family to the exclusion of your own?

    Too many questions. I would not go in for this. I know there are a lot of good points, but the negatives are pretty heavy. No one can get the perfect combination. It all depends on what you are willing to compromise on and what is a no deal for you. We can only provide you vital food for thought.
     
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  2. oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    are you sure he's supporting some charity? or is it to impress girl like you. the one who wants to depend on his wife right before arriage, how are u sure that hell take good care of you and your children in the future. I also got an alliance like this and when I told about it to my friend, she immediatly said what kind of beggar family is it. sorry for the lang but this is how it is. one more fellow even made his frind to talk about me woking. anyhow now that he's not having any job, I guess even ur parents won't agree now. go out with ur friens. keep urself busy. don't think about him.
     
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  3. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    Move on move on and just move on....
     
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  4. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response. Ofcourse, I am expecting him to work and take the financial responsibility.
    I am currently employed, but I need the independence to choose whether or not to work..
    In India, the woman is not expected to provide financial support to in-laws.
    Many woman choose to be home makers after marriage especially after kids.. so you know that liberty should be there. I may also do that.. at that point my job should not be a point of conflict...
     
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  5. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    Yeah, I agree with your points..
    Its a huge commitment to take care of two families.. I am not ready for it..
    In my opinion the SIL should take the responsibility to work for herself and her kid ..
    She is not well educated and .. this guy wants to take her responsibility on his shoulders...
     
  6. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    If it was nuclear family, and to maintain the standard of living.. I would work .. for as long as i can..
    I have been working for past 9 years.. and it is highly demanding work.. I am in IT..
    I am not sure if I can maintain the same speed and dedication to work after marriage.. esp with kids..

    I agree being honest was putting across his requirement.. but he has been honest in other things about his life.. which he could have hidden... in general he is outspoken..
     
  7. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    SIL is not well educated.. comes from a poor family and she is jobless... helpless woman.. There was no clear cut discussion on how much of whose salary will be spent where... !!!! but its understood.. that both the salaries will have to be pooled.. and then spent on the two families...

    When he contacted me second time.. recently a month ago.. I told him I am jobless.. because i did not want him to approach me.. thinking i am having job...
    I don't want some one to marry me just for money....
     
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  8. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    These things were not discussed... as I did not feel like asking this.. since I was not ready to agree on working in the first place...
     
  9. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    I agree no sibling can deny financial help in such situation.. and its not about working for just my sake.. I am open to work for as long as I can.. being a woman i have other priorities after marriage... the financial decisions should not be made around my salary.. it can be a support for as long as i can...

    What amazed me more was.. he does not have any savings... after a decade of employment.. he simply says.. he regrets not saving... now...
    This raises question on his spending nature and .. responsibility...
     
  10. zoomitup

    zoomitup Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for such a detailed analysis.. to answer your questions..
    Some questions to ponder:
    (a) Does his SIL work?
    No. she doesn't and is not qualified enough to get a decent job. she comes from a poor family.
    (b) How many nephews / nieces does he have to support? How old are they? For how long? At what level of expectation? Best schools in town, as their parents might want? Something less?
    One at this point. That will be it.
    (c) Is he their sole source of support? Or a part-thereof?
    Yes. no family properties as back-up. his income is the only source of money.
    (d) Do they all live under the same roof?
    Yes. they in village and we in city
    (e) How many children would you want to have? What are your expectations for them?
    2. Ofcourse the best of things that we can afford. Life in India is getting expensive these days.
    (f) What about old-age / retirement planning? For his parents, your parents, you?
    My parents are self sufficient. No expectations from me though I would want to support them as person and financially on need basis(though it is not expected)
    (g) How stable, upwardly mobile are you? How ambitious / driven career-wise? Do you expect to have reliable resources to stay on top of changes in your field (re-training, strategic career moves etc.)
    At present marriage is my priority and wants to have kids and settle down. Career is second priority and would like to take a break atleast for 2-3 years and may or may not continue.
    (h) Would you be expected to maintain the household in addition to being a financial provider? A traditional bahu scenario or a reliable division of labor?
    Yes as we would be in city .. a nuclear family. he may help that needs to be discussed...
    (I) I think this guy is a little unrealistic in maintaining financial commitments for charity work while expecting his wife to shoulder family burdens. The motive is laudable, but the mechanics & strategy are off. To me, this suggests an inability to make realistic calculations - what do you think?
    I totally agree with you. charity with wife's money when he is unable to support his own needs.. I told him the same.. to which he said this is will continue for 5 more years and he will stop after that..

    (J) Do you have resources to handle crises in your life? (finances, support).
    I have made enough savings.. but I have not revealed it to him.. i can lead my life comfortably even if quit job now... and not get married at all..
    I feel burdened to enter the marriage with such commitments... it feels like an obligation... which no woman would want to take...
    I fear .. i will start feeling guilty later on if I had to quit job.. for any reason.. and he may be disappointed.. .. I can take such situations...

    I do want to help his brother.. as much as possible but not at the cost my family's - me, hubby and kids .. welfare... who would be my priority...
     

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