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Marriage Alliance - Expecting financial support from the bride by working

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zoomitup, Jan 11, 2014.

  1. maliniglow

    maliniglow Gold IL'ite

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    If you r working already then it's fine.

    Discuss about his financial details, how much he has to spend, and how long he have to spend to his brother.

    Wherever you go, you would get some sorts of hassles in other way. So, this guy was straight, and told about his family condition. In today's trend both have to work for better living.

    Kids L.K.G admission costs you 50k to 1 lakh. So, before u decline the offer, think twice. There is nothing wrong in helping the disabled sibling. In my op, the guy would take care you better, though there are certain issues, but wherever you go , you would get hassles in other way. It is upto you in deciding whether you want him or not.

    There are guys who claim they don't have any commitments, but spends lavishly on clubs and others things. At least the guy s spending for his sibling and knows family financial situation. Also make sure about what his sister-in-law doing .
     
  2. subha2705

    subha2705 Silver IL'ite

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    I got married two years before.I too got similar kind of alliance .Boy insisted me to continue my job for financial stability to take care his parents/Sister. He said indirectly, I should not take carrier break also.I feel it's polish way to say, they need money from us and not confident about himself . After the deep analysis, I said "no" to that alliance.


    I have seen many of my friends agreed for this kind of alliance. After that, they don't have freedom to spend and not allowed to go her mother home also. Complete salary will go to his family. Once you have kid, burden will be added more.

    Sometime you can't continue your job/manage due to health issue/loss of job. Definitely,He will pressure you to continue a job at the moment. It's difficult to manage a kid and family also in critical time of job period. Later point of time you feel frustrated .Unless your parents are wealthy and financially to support you. I have seen many examples like this.


    Now, I am married and continuing my job. My husband also having family responsibility . He is confident to manage himself and I am also supporting him . But, He never forced me to continue my job.If it is needed ,I have a freedom to take carrier break also.I am also spending a money within a limit.

    The person who discussing about the job in alliance.This kind of people will expect to continue a job life long .Marriage is a long term commitment. Please don't take any decision for temporary solution or attractive base.

    We can be good to Help others. But, We should not be sacrifice own personal life to help others.

    I can understand the pain of waiting for marriage alliance. I got married at the age of 29.How soon getting marriage is not important. How well connecting to right soul is important in marriage life.

    Please wait, Definitely you will get good alliance.

    Best of the luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2014
    14 people like this.
  3. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Regarding the Sick brother's family, The main responsibility falls on that SIL and his parents. This guy can take up a portion of the responsibility for his brother but not the whole.

    My suggestion is back off, because Taking whole responsibility of his brother's family is not a small thing, It is practically impossible for a wife to handle the mental/emotional pressure even if she works or not, and you get suffocated very soon if this marriage happens.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2014
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  4. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Zoomitup,

    I completely understand your situation.

    It is very possible to start liking a guy and feel as though you have known him all your life inspite of having spoken to him for just a few times online. I have been through this.

    My horoscope matched perfectly with one guy, when I spoke to him over skype, I was so much at ease with him, I felt like I was talking to my best friend!! We spoke so much, for more than 2 hours, I even ended up talking about my weight issue!! I was very surprised at this, because I am a reserved person, and have not had any guy friends before, so talking such deep things to a guy, I had never imagined before.

    He was very good looking, had a great physique,from a high caste, very well educated, doing well in his business, strong family background.....................basically everything I have been wanting in a guy.................. my dream man!!!.........but there were few things which were just not right, I too was very impressed he told me everything frankly and thought I should give it a try for this reason, it was not his fault, and he had no control over those things, but I didn't want it that way................with a heavy heart I said no to him...............this was last year in may.............. I still like him,think about him, I sometimes feel we are made for each other, talk about him to mom.......... my heart pains when I think of all he has gone through, and is going through.................but do I regret it.................? No, not even a teeny weeny bit.I pat myself on my back everytime I think of him, for having taken the right decision............love is blind, but not marriage.....always listen to your mind, don't let your heart rule over your mind, as far as marriage is concerned.

    Now coming to your situation, I too don't like it when guys impose financial responsibilities on women. I don't go for guys who have this as a criteria in their profile.

    My belief is, if a woman takes the responsibility of bearing a man's child in her womb for 9 months, giving birth to that child, raising it, taking care of the household and the husband etc etc... then men too should not back way from their primary duty of being the bread winners of the family

    Moreover in my community it has been the trend since generations..... women earn and contribute, but I am traditional in my belief......sometimes my parents try to persuade me and change my attitude, but I don't budge...........I feel you too should not compromise on this.

    My family too is very stringent with horoscope, for guys who I like and the ones who like me, our horoscopes don't end up matching, and the ones I am not really interested in, it matches almost 100%

    But I have a strong belief that someone is made for me too, we might be facing a little bit of more difficulty than others, in finding each other, we may have to go through fire,but one day when the time is ripe, we shall meet, and that day we will complete each other, just like yin and yang.

    Sweetheart, you too shall find your better half soon, and he will exactly be the man you have been yearning for all these years, and that day, your austerity will be complete.

    Don't think too much about this man, consider all this heratbreaks a penance, after which you will find your man, and then you will value him even more
     
    3 people like this.
  5. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    I would advise you not to take a hasty decision either way. First of all, you would expect your husband to earn, so if he expected you to pitch in (even in the absence of the family responsibilities he has spoken of), it is neither unfair, nor does it make him greedy, just as your search for a financially stable spouse does not automatically make you a gold-digger. Next, is he the only person financially supporting his brother's family, what is the extent of his contribution or do his parents and his sister-in-law also contribute ? Would he be able to balance his responsibilities post-marriage and once he has children of his own ?

    Personally, I appreciate what this young man is doing for his brother's family. But it could be difficult to sustain this unless he meets an extremely empathetic kindred spirit, and unless he is financially sound enough. I also understand that in the context of an arranged marriage you need not consider this alliance at all and look for someone with lesser responsibilities. But then anyone can end up in a situation like this due to an untimely death or a sudden terminal illness and a sibling will usually find it difficult to ignore a humanitarian crisis.
    JMO.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Perhaps it's not about the merits of staying at home or going to work, but simply about the FLEXIBILITY of being able to choose one or the other. The OP's prospective match has made it clear there is no choice; she will have to work at all times, whether she wants to or not, because the extended family is already depending on the income that will be brought in by the DIL.

    If two people are madly in love already, this is the kind of thing that might make the woman say, "Oh, who cares! I cannot live without this man, and I'll take the sick brother and everything else too, just to be with him". Even within the context of crazy-in-love, though, people have been known to shy away from this kind of obligation.

    Conversely, I'm assuming one of the advantages of an arranged marriage is one has the choice, at this juncture, to turn down an alliance because of reasons such as this. In other words, OP is not comfortable with the idea of always being expected to bring in an income. As she is a woman, this is understandable, because child-bearing and -rearing have an important bearing on employment options; more so for women than men, for obvious reasons.

    But then, what do I know. Everything I learned about arranged marriage, I learned on IL.
     
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  7. trueloveseek

    trueloveseek Senior IL'ite

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    I really like this thread as it is going. This is the thread I was always waiting to meet on IL. Because this thread has the potential to open a can of #####.

    OP you have all the right in this world to just move on. In fact I would say just move on. Why should you go into a marriage knowingly where there are issues which really bug you.

    But then always keep in mind and appreciate your future husband for what he faces in life to keep his family secure and intact. I agree it is easy for men to take on the provider role as the outside world is still dominated by men. But then it is the same on the home front too.

    I have faced similar situations during my girl search and never ever I have regretted on lost alliances. This may be because we men are less emotional in our thought process. But if you see the final outcome I feel my gut feeling was right all the time. I have ended up with the best DW [may be my wife disagrees with her choice:hide:].

    So just follow your instincts and don't try to be a Mother Theresa of your future life, because we lesser mortals are all selfish at some level.

    Best of luck to your groom search !!!
     
  8. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    This one is bang on...

    for me the guy sounds like too idealistic and not at all pragmatic.. he seems too emotional about the sufferings around him.. nothing wrong in it.. a very noble heart I must say...but purely in my point of view he must stay true to his calling and not get involved with the material world...

    to me he seems to be wanting the best of both worlds ... he can continue his hard work in his world of compassion and at the day end come back to a warm home, have warm food served by his ever loving wife who will earn, cook and also serve the food and if after all this if she is left with any more money or energy he will drag her along for doing some more charity... ok ok... a lot of imagination here... but that's how I am perceiving this guy... you are the best judge though.

    Well I don't know about you... but I am a very selfish person...I do my part of charity but not at the expense of my own home and its needs.

    You have matched the horoscopes, matched the likes and dislikes and now its time to match your selfishness or selflessness and see if you guys are compatible..
     
    5 people like this.
  9. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP, my honest opinion is that you should move on. Please do not get into this alliance. It is really appreciative of him to discuss the issues he has openly with you. It is not just about working or not working, it is about the emotional drain of supporting his brother/family which you will have to face. If his brother has critical illness then it will get worse over time. He then will have to support his brother's family as well. This will take away time,money,comfort, emotion from you and eventually your kids.

    Horoscope matching does not mean a thing and knowing astrology i can tell you that. The only relevant part is that Mars (Mangal) is not ill positioned in either of the horoscopes. This is called mangal dosh. For points matching, i have seen couples with incompatibility problems who had higher scores and the one with lower score are perfectly compatible. Please make sure that your parents are consulting scientific knowledgeable astrologers and not the traditional priests kind of astrologers. The main issue is that birth times are not accurate to get a complete true reading.

    Anyway, my response is please move on. The emotional drain will be huge.
     
  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    I would suggest you to move on .. If they are living in joint family then you might have to take care of their whole family along with being working. I have a friend who married that way and it is extremely painful for her as she has to give away all her hard earned salary to inlaws family all the time. They took hold of her debit card and she had to ask her own salary from husband and father in law for travel expenses. They give her limited money. I suggested her to quit the job and sit at home.
     

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