Marital Harmony-intellect Vs Emotion

jayasala42 · Aug 12, 2016

The discipline which our parents were able to inculcate in their 4 or 5 children,
we are not able to bring into one or two children of ours.With better financial
resources and lesser number of children we take more interest in giving better
education in good institutions to our children. But are we able to bring in the
desired discipline and culture in our children/grand children?In most of the
cases a stern'no' is the answer.

A ten year old boy is reading a book"How to bring up Children?''He says he
is going thro the book just to verify whether his parents have brought him up
in accordance to instructions given therein.
Our children are more intelligent and inquisitive.
Deplorable is the condition of our society which is moving towards more and
more legal separations and disharmony.
Even when male dominance was at its peak,there was actually no divorce
though some disharmony was reported.Actually men who never agree that
they are dominant say"we never undertook any revolution or Struggle to
claim 'the head of the family status' It automatically devolved on us by nature,
which we continue to cherish.'.

The dominance includes in itself authority,mounting responsibility,and not
enslaving women.
Indian Marriage System,as originally envisaged,consists of husband acting as
the ',the BRAIN',governing the secretariat, and the wife acting as the"HEART'
supplying blood to the BRAIN.The family is guarded by the husband and the husband's activity is nourished by the wife.
Mahaa raajan ulagai aaluvaan;
mahaaraani avanai aaluvaal'
That is Intellect and Emotion working in unison adding moral strength to the family.
This type of environment, though with some shortcomings was accepted by many
and there were not too many problems leading to separation of family..
But with the increase of prosperity,education & independence girls and boys compete for mal -adjustment and non compromise resulting in total destruction of long protected family values.
There is no use of blaming male domination,autocracy or adamancy of the younger generation for the cultural downfall.
Parents' responsibility does not stop with giving higher education.Their duty continues until their children get moulded into cultured individuals keeping up social values.
This can be accomplished by a proper admixture of intelligence and emotions.
When we go to a hotel for breakfast,we normally order for 2idlies and one vada .Idli is steamed food,no oil,filling,protein from sambar.It is intellectually a correct diet. But total involvement of intelligence alone is depressing and tiresome.But,vada, though oily,and somewhat harmful gives some relaxation & enjoyment. In the same way there is a constant struggle between intellect & emotion.Too much emotion is dangerous, too much intelligence is tiring. A well balanced approach is necessary for harmony in married life.If a wife is not an intellectual, husband may approve of her affection,calmness and adjusting temperament.So also if a husband is somewhat tuff and does not show affection,a wife may like him for his capabilities,& regard him as a responsible father.Centralising the usage of intelligence and emotions in balancing proportions as demanded by situations,will definitely lead to long lasting harmony.
Most of the divorce cases are governed only by emotions and are spontaneous and triggered by environment.
No victory is possible without sacrifice. Parents should not hesitate advising their children,though it may amount to intrusion in their personal matter.You cannot complete a sculpture if you fear that you will hit the form.You need to chistle at proper places at proper intervels at proper timings.You have to remember that the chistle also simultaneously faces hits and challenges.
A society with marital harmony depends not only on the couple but also on the elders(parents)
"what to do?"is an intelligent perspective.
"How to do? is an emotional perspective.
Harmony lies in striking a balance.
Let our children/grand children remember the vow taken by the couple at the end of SAPTAPADI in Hindu weddings
"With these seven steps we now become friends. Allow me to reach out to you in friendship. Let our friendship be ETERNAL and NEVER SEVERED"
I agree that there are situations which go beyond one's control ; the mental distress,agony and anxiety reach an unmanageable level in which the couples are driven to the avoidable decision of separation.
Though each case has to be decided on its own merits,general guidelines still hold good and they cannot be set aside.
Jayasala 42

Rihana · Aug 12, 2016

Reposting your older thread? "Are we responsible?"

Ragini25 · Aug 13, 2016

@jayasala42 you make some good points, but unfortunately people of today just wont get it, this disharmony and legal separations will increase until it gets to a point when they are older and realize the mess it has created. Right now its all about me, myself, my rights, my feelings and am I equal, brain i too, heart me too? The effects will result in more separations, disharmony and God forbid EMA mess-ups.

There is a mish/mash mashup of western independence and equality, superimposed on Indian conservative male/female thought process and its turbulence lol

Wonder where the dust settles

guesshoo · Aug 13, 2016

I enjoy your posts, ma'am and enjoyed this one no less.

Yes separations and disharmony is prevalent - the reason for this I feel is because the current generation who are parents have not been brought up well enough. Severely entitled men who have been deified by parents as the male heir, having very little respect for his wife seems rampant. Many women have been brought up liberated but are expected to fit into the moulds which constrined their grandmothers. She has been taught to be the brain but is relegated to being a soft-touch as that's how a woman must be. It is the recipe for conflict!

Now in this unfortunate mix up, he current generation of children are unfortunate victims.

Brevity · Aug 13, 2016

I do not think any Indian female takes divorce lightly. Our society is so critical of divorced girls that many give their everything - money, dignity etc to stay married. I have only heard of men and their families throw around the word lightly. They are almost never penalised by society for getting divorced.

Vows are taken jointly. Both need to be ready to work on it. One person can try and persist for brief periods- but if that one-sided persistance needs to last life long then that persons life cannot be called happy even if he/she stayed together.

If I take a few random examples of current threads here, what would be your advice to a mother who is worried that the baby in her womb is unwanted by her father because of gender? What would you advice a woman who cannot visit her parents' home even for a major function, a husband that never visits and would not allow the wife to visit as well? What is your advice to a wife whose husband has cheated once before and might be on the path to cheating again, but cannot be questioned ? We need to help at least a few not go into divorce or help them come out of a miserable partnership.

A majority of yester years' arranged marriages were not all happy, though the divorce rates were close to zero.

joylokhi · Aug 13, 2016

Dear Jayasala maam,
As usual you have raised very valid questions on the state of matrimony today. I however feel even parents these days are not in a position to offer any advise to their adult children. Both girls and boys are being brought up extremely protected from any issues in life and all the comforts that can be provided. Majority have had such a cocooned upbringing. Suddenly after marriage they are not in a position to deal with anything that is outside their comfort zones.
As Ragini has rightly said, it then becomes only a question of me, myself and nothing else. Granted, there are innumerable cases where genuine incompatibility may be there and a divorce /separation may be valid.
Emotions do play the upper role here - but is sure to continue as this conflict of individual rights is brought to the fore.

Brevity · Aug 13, 2016

Wise words from Gibran to all those worrying about their future generation (including me ):

"You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday"

Gauri03 · Aug 13, 2016

-- wrong forum

creativemind23 · Aug 14, 2016

jayasala42 said: ↑

The discipline which our parents were able to inculcate in their 4 or 5 children,
we are not able to bring into one or two children of ours.With better financial
resources and lesser number of children we take more interest in giving better
education in good institutions to our children. But are we able to bring in the
desired discipline and culture in our children/grand children?In most of the
cases a stern'no' is the answer.

A ten year old boy is reading a book"How to bring up Children?''He says he
is going thro the book just to verify whether his parents have brought him up
in accordance to instructions given therein.
Our children are more intelligent and inquisitive.
Deplorable is the condition of our society which is moving towards more and
more legal separations and disharmony.
Even when male dominance was at its peak,there was actually no divorce
though some disharmony was reported.Actually men who never agree that
they are dominant say"we never undertook any revolution or Struggle to
claim 'the head of the family status' It automatically devolved on us by nature,
which we continue to cherish.'.

The dominance includes in itself authority,mounting responsibility,and not
enslaving women.
Indian Marriage System,as originally envisaged,consists of husband acting as
the ',the BRAIN',governing the secretariat, and the wife acting as the"HEART'
supplying blood to the BRAIN.The family is guarded by the husband and the husband's activity is nourished by the wife.
Mahaa raajan ulagai aaluvaan;
mahaaraani avanai aaluvaal'
That is Intellect and Emotion working in unison adding moral strength to the family.
This type of environment, though with some shortcomings was accepted by many
and there were not too many problems leading to separation of family..
But with the increase of prosperity,education & independence girls and boys compete for mal -adjustment and non compromise resulting in total destruction of long protected family values.
There is no use of blaming male domination,autocracy or adamancy of the younger generation for the cultural downfall.
Parents' responsibility does not stop with giving higher education.Their duty continues until their children get moulded into cultured individuals keeping up social values.
This can be accomplished by a proper admixture of intelligence and emotions.
When we go to a hotel for breakfast,we normally order for 2idlies and one vada .Idli is steamed food,no oil,filling,protein from sambar.It is intellectually a correct diet. But total involvement of intelligence alone is depressing and tiresome.But,vada, though oily,and somewhat harmful gives some relaxation & enjoyment. In the same way there is a constant struggle between intellect & emotion.Too much emotion is dangerous, too much intelligence is tiring. A well balanced approach is necessary for harmony in married life.If a wife is not an intellectual, husband may approve of her affection,calmness and adjusting temperament.So also if a husband is somewhat tuff and does not show affection,a wife may like him for his capabilities,& regard him as a responsible father.Centralising the usage of intelligence and emotions in balancing proportions as demanded by situations,will definitely lead to long lasting harmony.
Most of the divorce cases are governed only by emotions and are spontaneous and triggered by environment.
No victory is possible without sacrifice. Parents should not hesitate advising their children,though it may amount to intrusion in their personal matter.You cannot complete a sculpture if you fear that you will hit the form.You need to chistle at proper places at proper intervels at proper timings.You have to remember that the chistle also simultaneously faces hits and challenges.
A society with marital harmony depends not only on the couple but also on the elders(parents)
"what to do?"is an intelligent perspective.
"How to do? is an emotional perspective.
Harmony lies in striking a balance.
Let our children/grand children remember the vow taken by the couple at the end of SAPTAPADI in Hindu weddings
"With these seven steps we now become friends. Allow me to reach out to you in friendship. Let our friendship be ETERNAL and NEVER SEVERED"
I agree that there are situations which go beyond one's control ; the mental distress,agony and anxiety reach an unmanageable level in which the couples are driven to the avoidable decision of separation.
Though each case has to be decided on its own merits,general guidelines still hold good and they cannot be set aside.
Jayasala 42
Click to expand...

I loved your line "Too much emotion is dangerous, too much intelligence is tiring" it says so much!

jayasala42 · Aug 14, 2016

Ragini25 said: ↑

@jayasala42 you make some good points, but unfortunately people of today just wont get it, this disharmony and legal separations will increase until it gets to a point when they are older and realize the mess it has created. Right now its all about me, myself, my rights, my feelings and am I equal, brain i too, heart me too? The effects will result in more separations, disharmony and God forbid EMA mess-ups.

There is a mish/mash mashup of western independence and equality, superimposed on Indian conservative male/female thought process and its turbulence lol

Wonder where the dust settles
Click to expand...

Thank you Ragini.It was a wonderful response.As you rightly said , as long as the world revolves around me and myself, we may not be able to arrive at the correct solution.What is the use of repenting later?
Jayasala 42