Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

Hi niki n bebe,


I m tellin u things as per my experiances. I gave time n patience to my relationship, no i never surrender to their wishes but had an alternative way n as per now things r in control.
I dont know about future , I want my marriage work . the thing is our Dh shld understand that we r their part of life.. my hubby also sometimes use the same words, as my inlaws but i m the one who takes things calmly ,
I can just say give some time, dont ever ever accept any type of abuse. take ur life out of these things. try hard to enjoy wid ur hubby somehow , may be he will realize wat he is missin.
all the best , every type of option is open but then there is no lookin back
luv n hug

 

N ya , idea of marriage counseling is great, if ur hubby goes wid u. first u can go alone to a counselor. In my case i went to counselor once. she was very nice, heared everythin , suggested u shld do this, that, dont bother bla bla bla. after comin back that if i hav to do everythin , all is in my hands y to go to her. but then , my hubby is different than urs may b more manageable too!! so this is an excellent idea , go there , he/she will guide u how to convence ur hubby to come along wid u.

u r more strong than u think n valuable too.
take care of urself.

 

I am actually not being optimistic..but dont want to give up easily..am doing a hell lot of thinking in the last few weeks....need to sort a lot with my H before i can actually become my normal self..Good Idea you definetly need to sort out. Can you visit your parents for awhile so you can get some breathing room and you will be out of the abusive environment..
for one ..i really cannot live with ILs in joint family now Right now they are not living with you right. I hope you are only thinking in future. Please focus on the matter at hand don't think of what if and future.
and am 100% sure that when and if we have kids..No No you should not be even thinking of kids now. Please don't bring an innocent life into this mess and abusive family.then ILs will surely interfere and create hell lot of problems...few days back H was telling me ( he was angry) that the kids will grow acc to his family traditions and wishes ....and that the baby will carry his legacy not my family's ( as in vamsam....).What in the world is he talking about. So he wants an abusive wife beating son like him or a manipulative witch like his mother. Forget about all this blah blah you are in control to have a kid or not.
i was shocked as he never spoke like that..FIL had said the same thing abt 10 days back...
I asked H if FIL told him that and he denied!! Don't confront ofcourse he will say no. Remember I already told you he is immature like a kindergartener. Atleast with little kids you can talk sense and teach right from wrong. But, your H:crazy

Anyways so until and unless all issues are sorted..i really don't see a future...and also i really don;t trust my H now..as he had promised over my life some months back that he wont hit me and he hit me during the fight that time...so dunno how to trust him now!! Please ask him for professional help and see what he says. If he agrees than he wants the marriage to work and live with you. If not you are just:bang

Amniki you have the strength to pull yoursef up. Please stay safe.

 

Hi Niki,

Read this entire thread, and must admit, as others did. This is a replica of my sister's married life! Same problems. Same love marriage (not intercaste / religion). Same mumma's boy. Same physical & verbal abuse. But the only difference here is, this is my sister's second marriage. My BIL got amrried to her maybe becasue she is very beautiful. Everything that she made clear to him before commiting to him went above his head I guess, because he was just luring at her beauty :rant.

This thread gave me clarity on lot of things, that might have possibly went wrong, and I can suggest my sister to follow some steps of Ria and yours to get BIL on track to understand.

Now the same problem, and my sister finally gave up and called 911. They are living separate as of now, and waiting for their trial to begin in the court. BIL is still not understanding where he is doing mistakes and that ONLY my sister cannot everytime be the single-handed person to workout on their marriage. He wants her to bend and break down completely only because she is dependent on him and its her second marriage (his mother's lessons to him). :spin. He wants her to do everything! Right from washing his clothes, utensils, cleaning the house, cooking and he like a king will order her to get things for him and still she should not complain! He and his family have all rights to abuse and disrespect her, but she should worship them!

God only know how to help such brainless ppl who cannot have their OWN perspective for their married life ! :bang

Sushma

 

OMG Nikki...I really can understand ur pain & stress..Ur H hitting u these many times is something too much.And u should have done something about it rit at the first time itself..My opinion is why dont u speak openly..why dont u speak things directly watever u mention here in IL..ask ur H directly how fair it to ask ur parents not to involve while his parents do so...u should have moved out long back itself when ur husband hit u...if he loves u really I am sure that wud have brought some change in him..& also in ur ILs if they really care for u & ur H's happiness as said by ur FIL..U have a good career & why the hell u should silently undergo all this tortures..

You should do something about it,esp ur H hitting u..Normally these men wud change only if we women give them a shock treatment..I tell u that will surely work out..If ur ILs say they will have a panchayat tell them it can only be with ur parents & his parents...U also tell ur side justice in between...just give answers for everything ur ILs say instead of thinking them to urself & getting more tensed & depressed..bt be polite in answering back..may be they will sure get ur point even if u say it polite but speak out openly..tel ur FIL that u know how much ur dad cares for u & ur life.that will stop them rit ther from speaking bad about ur parents..
Next time if ur ILs or ur H says that ur parents have not brought u up properly,just tel them "since they have brought me well only I m still living with u people inspite of all these abuse * beatings.if not wud have walked out long back"

May god be with u in ur hard times..My prayers are always with u.Be strong & dont give up..

Take Care.

Ramya Pradeep.

 

Very old thread.