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Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by seekingpeace, Jun 26, 2010.

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  1. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    dear bebe,
    well i m 27 , even hubby dont want a kid as for now. but i feel it will help me to make my roots stronger as a family. well , i bought a home , hav a job n things r better.
    but yes i guess u r right. will definitely think about it again. thanks so much for support n concern. its first time that someone apart from my parents admired me. i gone through all this during my research n still got reputed result.
    my fingers r crossed. I can give wishes to niki. they can learn from my mistakes i.e never ever forget that u must never be dependent on any one for ur happiness or sadness.
    I too wanna know about niki , wats happenin in her life now??

    thaks again for hug n luv u for it :thumbsup
     
  2. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Bebe, Ria..

    Really feel overwhelmed that you all are concerned abt me !! Sorry cudnt come to Indusladies for the past 10 days due to hectic work life.....and Ria,..like you i hit my H back with all my strength when he hit me and it resulted in somethine like a wrestling match when i think abt it now....

    As for my situation...well its been quite a mixed bag...my interactions with H was quite limited last week and over the weekend decided to take things forward...asked H to give me a list of what all he liked in me and what all he didnt like..sadly he cud come up with only 2 pathetic points that he liked in me :( and abt 15 things that he dint like in me ...i took all this calmly and went into really specific detail of what exactly he didnt like and why...and whether he observed this bfre marriage and all..too much analysis i did and realized that H didnt think of anything of how life wud be after marriage since most of the things he said were part of my character bfre marriage itslf!!

    I also came up with what I liked and dint like abt him...he was surprised that i listed lot in what i like in him... Anyways somehow me talking calmly and working this out made him happy and he was back to normal with me...i was ok..but not completely normal...then that night he had told his parents that our fight was over and then they started complaining something else abt me and started fighting with H abt me again :rant

    Now anyways to cut it short, few days back MIL came with a "military rule" ( her exact words) that I should call her and talk to her daily whr i like it or not...since it seems she was nice to me for 1 yr but am not respecting her..so she is imposing this rule and that i must follow as its her house and everything shud happen acc to her...i just said ok...and called her the last few days daily just for the heck of it and mainly coz H was supporting me by making fun of his mother's rule!!

    anyways H and I still have arguments daily abt the past and also abt his parents and today I really pissed him off as I didnt call his parents...when he asked why ..i said today is sunday and so holiday for me :bonk ....also since my cousin has been visiting me for the last few days we cudnt complete the list...and until and unless i complete the list...am not going to be at peace coz i believe that the list will make him realize that how much am giving up for him & his family and how much am gaining at the end of the day ..which is really nothing....and also i want to try and be as per the list for few months and then when my ILs complain again next time..want to prove to my H that i was as per the list and that they will never be satisfied...

    Really dunno if this will work..but dunno any other option as of now! Do you think this will help? Has anyone tried this at all??
     
  3. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    hi niki ,
    ya i hav even tried this too:).
    C do ur part n best advise i can give is live a double life. outside do watever u think u shld to make things better- callin mil is ok , as how long she will bear ur talks(speak about urself only , dont ask about her, overall be very borin :rotfl), but at the same time be detached to everything. dont take anythin to heart. when u want to dislike someone , everything related to the person seems negative. this is wat happening wid ur husband. dont hurt urself by askin more from him . so in my opinion leave him to recover himself. dont push him to say anything . believe me it takes time but everything would be fine. just be away from those topics which initiate argument.
    c its a women only who can make a home. i know how hard it , unfair too , just be patient, dont expect(only now)from ur hubby. he will come around. bear mil as a headache , u cant cut ur head na.
    all the best
    luv n hug
     
  4. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    amniki, unless you and your husband make a conscious effort of NOT involving your parents in your domestic issues - these issues won't go away. Keep your interactions with your IL limited and never reveal anything or seek help from them. I know you must already be doing the same. Now you need to get your DH also do the same. I see that the most issues that you are facing now is because your ILs and parents interfering in your affairs (of course they may have good intentions to help you out). But you must realize that you both are adults and if you can't solve any issues mutually no one else can.

    First of all get your DH to see the point that letting his parents know about all your issue is only magnifying the issues. You should put it in a point that the rule applies to you as well as him and never seem to put it like it is as if he only is doing so.

    Regarding the abuse, I have my own reservations and believe that an abuser can't be reformed unless they consciously make an effort in that direction. Seeking professional help is only a step in that direction but he should accept that he has a problem and has to work on it.
     
  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Glad to know you are safe.

    .asked H to give me a list of what all he liked in me and what all he didnt like.. Good Idea sadly he cud come up with only 2 pathetic points that he liked in me :( and abt 15 things that he dint like in me ...i took all this calmly and went into really specific detail of what exactly he didnt like and why...and whether he observed this bfre marriage and all..too much analysis i did and realized that H didnt think of anything of how life wud be after marriage since most of the things he said were part of my character bfre marriage itslf!!Now you know how he feels about you. If you had the same chacterstics before which didnot bother him did you ask him why is it bothering him now. Is he willing to accept that all the complaining from parents has changed his prespective.

    I also came up with what I liked and dint like abt him...he was surprised that i listed lot in what i like in him... Anyways somehow me talking calmly and working this out made him happy and he was back to normal with me...i was ok..but not completely normal...then that night he had told his parents that our fight was over Why does he broadcast everything to his parents. Have you asked him that. As a couple you should solve your own misunderstanding not get others involved. He is basically acting like a 5year old running to parents with every detail and to get their approval or praise. Unless he stops this I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.and then they started complaining something else abt me and started fighting with H abt me again :rant

    Now anyways to cut it short, few days back MIL came with a "military rule" ( her exact words) OMG what the heck is this. You didnot join a army to serve your country all you did was to get married. Marriage is mutal Love and respect between couple and families.that I should call her and talk to her daily whr i like it or not...since it seems she was nice to me for 1 yr but am not respecting her..so she is imposing this rule and that i must follow as its her house and everything shud happen acc to her...i just said ok...and called her the last few days daily just for the heck of it and mainly coz H was supporting me by making fun of his mother's rule!!He turning you into a 5 year old too.

    anyways H and I still have arguments daily abt the past and also abt his parents and today I really pissed him off as I didnt call his parents...when he asked why ..i said today is sunday and so holiday for me :bonk ....also since my cousin has been visiting me for the last few days we cudnt complete the list...and until and unless i complete the list...am not going to be at peace coz i believe that the list will make him realize that how much am giving up for him & his family and how much am gaining at the end of the day ..which is really nothing....and also i want to try and be as per the list for few months and then when my ILs complain again next time..want to prove to my H that i was as per the list and that they will never be satisfied...The list seems like good idea. JMO I think its like the homework list you get in kindergarten. I see you are making every effort to make this marriage work. I hope it works for you.
    Since you H likes all these list and military rule why don't you ask him to get professional help and both of you go for marriage counseling.

    Really dunno if this will work..but dunno any other option as of now! Do you think this will help? Has anyone tried this at all?? JMO professional help will make a difference.
     
  6. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Thanks again for reading very patiently and giving wonderful advise!! I am trying to be as patient as i can but getting really difficult to tolerate when H keeps on arguing with me by bringing past issues...

    @Ria...

    Dont think that the idea of boring my MIL would work...as she thrives on really trivial gossip...so in the end she wud listen to everything and if i dont ask her anything..she will defnly complain to my H...infact over the weekend she complained that i dont talk to her properly ...what did she expect? that i wud follow her rule like a dog???

    @visu

    I have also thought a lot abt professional help..mainly anger mgmt and also counseling..but all this wil not work as long as H doesnt realize the mistakes and wants to do this..am waiting to bring this up once the fight is really over...but i dont think he will accept...

    reg..interference from parents...his parents are really interfering and H doesnt find anything wrong in it..infact he says that my parents shudnt intefere but his parents can !! again all this due to FIL influence who keeps saying this agan and again to him..coz he has said this to me sooo many times am sure he is saying this to H also......and as long as he allows that..they will be doing that...so again he has to wake up and realize whats really happening....btw his parents are fighting with him almost daily now as i havent yet apologized to them for my behavior and as am not talking properly!!!

    @ars...

    Now you know how he feels about you. If you had the same chacterstics before which didnot bother him did you ask him why is it bothering him now. Is he willing to accept that all the complaining from parents has changed his prespective.
    --- Yes i had asked him that ..he said he did not think all this through ..infact this was his reply for most of the q.. asked him what did he really think when he loved me...and why he married me then...he said he married me as that was the next step after loving a person!!....:spin ...am thinking now that he never loved me..prbly was infactuated with me or was attracted to me as i was his opposite in character!!

    Why does he broadcast everything to his parents. Have you asked him that. As a couple you should solve your own misunderstanding not get others involved. He is basically acting like a 5year old running to parents with every detail and to get their approval or praise. Unless he stops this I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel
    ---I know..whenever i ask him why he tells everything..H says tht it was to show me as positive or to impress them...he knows it has the opposite effect..dunno when he will learn...

    today i havent yet spoken to MIL yet and when H asked me replied that i will if i have to which pissed him off and we again had an argument...asked some thought provoking questions for which H had no reply and then he went off to talk to his parents ( i think another fight there)
     
  7. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Nikki,

    I have been following this thread from the start. Reading it was like re-living my past. I went through nearly the same situations that you described. Your H and in-laws read like exact clones of my ex-H and ex-laws. Such uncanny similarity! Or is that just that all these abusive mamas boys have a similar pschychology? I wonder? Mind you, I say ex because I reached my breaking point and walked out of the marriage. What I learnt from my past marriage was that such abusers never change and, as Foundlove said earlier, an abuser always finds reasons.

    From one of your posts it appeared as if you have been trying to work it out. If your H too makes a effort then it is good. But in any case mentally prepare yourself to get out of this marriage if he raises his hand at you again.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2010
  8. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    ---------------post deleted
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2010
  9. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Niki, dear Ria


    thought of you guys quite often the last few days. My prayers are with you, that you are safe and do not have to indure physical abuse anylonger.

    I contempleted a few days if and what to write to you. I know that the route you are taking is your own decision, however please also have your minds open for other opinions....


    I have to admit that I was also a bit shocked that both of you have opted to physical violence yourself. I, like Vish2k, feel too that an abuser can not really be changed. Why?
    Because he has to see his mistake first and decide himself to change for the better. They have to realize, that they have a problem with anger, rage, and control. So anger management is a must. If you guys resort to the same kind of violence, I honestly feel, that the situation will only escalate furter. Now they are hitting you because the can not control the situation with their parents. Because somewhere in their minds they know that you are right and they resort to violence because that is the only way to make you shut up.


    You said that he only hits you, when you guys are having arguements about his parents. Are you 100% sure, he wont hit you during a fight regarding another subject matter? Be it finances, children, education, actually anything/anytime where he starts to loose control over the situation and could retaliate in such a way?


    There is also something called the circle of violence:

    Circle starts:

    Incident
    * Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

    Tension Building
    * Abuser starts to get angry
    * Abuse may begin
    * There is a breakdown of communication
    * Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
    * Tension becomes too much
    * Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

    Making-Up
    * Abuser may apologize for abuse
    * Abuser may promise it will never happen again
    * Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
    * Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

    Calm
    * Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
    * Physical abuse may not be taking place
    * Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
    * Victim may hope that the abuse is over
    * Abuser may give gifts to victim

    Circle starts again...


    Your MILs might be the trigger, but its your husband who have the responsiblity of the abuse, when they abuse you.

    Also about his mother winnig should the marriage fail. Isn´t your life more than only a competition with your MIL who wins the husband? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE girls keep your safety in mind. A marriage is not more worth than your life.


    Stay save.
     
  10. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Bebe,Umalut...

    I am actually not being optimistic..but dont want to give up easily..am doing a hell lot of thinking in the last few weeks....need to sort a lot with my H before i can actually become my normal self...for one ..i really cannot live with ILs in joint family now and am 100% sure that when and if we have kids..then ILs will surely interfere and create hell lot of problems...few days back H was telling me ( he was angry) that the kids will grow acc to his family traditions and wishes ....and that the baby will carry his legacy not my family's ( as in vamsam....).i was shocked as he never spoke like that..FIL had said the same thing abt 10 days back...
    I asked H if FIL told him that and he denied!!

    Anyways so until and unless all issues are sorted..i really don't see a future...and also i really don;t trust my H now..as he had promised over my life some months back that he wont hit me and he hit me during the fight that time...so dunno how to trust him now!!
     
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