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Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by seekingpeace, Jun 26, 2010.

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  1. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Oh forgot to say...after FIL spoke to me this morning where he talked crap abt my father and spoke to me sweetly blah blah blah, he had called my father and talked crap abt me again :rant ...doesnt this clearly show he is playing such a double game...but even if i tell this to H..he will not believe or support me.....

    am not going to worry as long as H treats my parents well and ILs stop troubling my parents.!!

    one more thing..am thinking of talking to H's cousin sister and getting her support...she is around 30 and is a divorcee ...and she likes me a lot ( based on our limited interactions)...but she is my MIL's side relative...so am sure if i tlk to her she will tell them ( mostly in my support i think)....what this will do is make ILs realize that i will talk to their relatives and maybe create less trouble ...coz else their image will be lost within their circl ( they give so much importance to image)....

    just thinking that i will wait till another fight comes ( which will be very soon...am damn sure) and then talk to his cousin sis....

    do you think its a good idea?
     
  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    cousin sister OMG what are you trying to do. You had said your life has turned into a TV serial because of your IL's Now, you are making it into a Movie production.
    Is cousin sister God or something to talk sense into them. Or she is so high up on the pedstal that your IL's H will change to please her and show a good image.
    Come on grow up. You are either killing the snake or breaking the stick.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ,

    First of all you need to understand this
    • You cannot change your H
    • You cannot take revenge on inlaws to make them look bad..it will not help you.
    • Its not your fault that you have to put up with this.Your H will beat you no matter what and will blame you for it.
    Your father should not have to face all this trauma so you should ask FIL to stop calling him. Don't involve parents or in-laws . You both need to resolve this.

    Best way to resolve this is to go stay with a friend and have trial seperation...Ask H to go for anger management if he wants you back. Thats it..only then he will listen to you.

    Hope you find your answers.
    FL
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2010
  4. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    first of all i want to tell u that i was in the same ditto situation myself. same luv marriege same DH hittin me , same DH callin my parents, panchayat , 10 times call etc. I was like i was readin my own story.
    i still shiver remmemberin those days .its been 3 yrs of my marriage . first year i was studin so was livin separate wid mu DH. my second year was like ur first year. now , things r better or they r in sleepin phase.
    What I did would b ur question --- C , separation is not so easy i know, goin abroad depends upon destiny, involvin outsider is very bad option , u cant change ur DH ir ils. so only one option is their i.e UUU. stand up girl , even if it means argument , dont utter a single word when dh is angry . wat we do in a strom??? we bend na??? keep silence , do ur work honestly. this will too pass . days r nor gud always so they will not remain bad too!! . dont give ur dh extra attention . just take his care normaly.
    now dont speak anythin to ur parents. they married us off n they dont want us back!! dont talk wid ur inlaws too , just answer their question . try to be deeply inwolve in ur work or stay out of home when they visit u most of the time . come home , cook n sleep thats it. month or two it will take n believe me things will be manageable. dont know how but they will b.
    will tell u more whenn i will be in more stable , i m too tensed by recallin wat i suffered.
    live ur life girl, take urself to another world. do somethin for ur self . u have to dear .
    luv u
    hugs
     
  5. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Niki

    how are you? Please let us know how you are and what the situation is like now.


    Dear Ria

    just read your post. Have to admire the strenght with which you are managing your life. :bowdown

    But just curious: Have you ever spoken to your parents? Do you really feel, that they wont stand by you and give you shelter if things would further deterioriate? I am really sorry if your parents said that to you. Wish you extra strenght in fighting this situation alone. Extra hug to you...
     
  6. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    hi bebe,
    thanks for the complement n yes i hav to be super tough , though i cry , scream sometimes openly sometimes alone. but still i fight back. i hav to !!
    wat i said about parents , it common sence. c my parents r fully supportive. they know everythin . they will accept me open heartly. even they advised me at a point thet i shld leave that man.
    but they r very concerned about my future. they always say that its my decesion . think of all the consequences. u will hav to face everything boldly. wats the garenty that life would be better n bla bla bla.
    so on the whole , i m the one who is responsible for any decesion n my life n fate. so y not wid the man i married. i shld face the problem , shld not run from them
    one more thing when my dh hit me , i hit him back .its not the solution but i protest. he hav done this 3 -4 times . i hit him wid all my energy. i said that i will hit u in front of every one if u hit me n i can do this , he knows . this help.
    never quit.
    thanks for hug , i need it.
     
  7. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Ria


    really have to admire you for your strength and boldness towards your husband. You must be going through hell. And it is remarkable that you have taken your own decision, even if the decision is somewhat sad in my eyes. Do you have kids?

    Yes our parents are concerned for our future. If they husband is capable of change the future in staying with him can be good, but if the husband is incapable of change, then....

    My sister used to be beaten up by her husband as well. But she did not have the physical strenght to stand up to him. Her strenght resulted in calling it quits after 2 years, and my whole family (parents side and inlaws side (not my FIL - but thats another story) stood by her. That took away her fear from society to know that everyone stands by her. my family and I used to tell her all the time during those 2 years to leave that monster, but she did not listen. Than something bad happened which made her realize that he is not going to change, and SHE decided to leave him. It was HER decision. Just like it is your decision to stay.

    I honestly believe, that it all depends on the husband. Repending and saying sorry is no garantee for no further abuse. Only when the husband changes, really changes, the abuse will stop. And from what I have seen and read, people seldom change...

    I think Niki has not yet reached the point where she has clearly decided to stay or leave. But whatever her decision is going to be, may God give her strenght.

    I really wish that everything turns out okay for you.
     
  8. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    hello bebe,
    its sad to know wat ur sis hav gone through. its gud now as she left him , may b i m not. i know he will never change . but i tell u something in my case n in case of niki our husbands r not monsters who luv to beat their wives. they know exactly that they shld stand by us, ask their mothers to shut up , just dont hav courage to do so . so its their weakness they r hidin. frustation is the word . now we r not their punchin bag. we shld convey clearly. we shld learn how to manupulate situations so that not to reach at that level of their boilin point . it takes time , realy .
    C marriage is a commitment of 70- 80 yrs y cant we give chance to it of 3-4 yrs n then decice. givin chance doesnt means gettin hit or livin abusive life.
    my hubby now take care of me, do everythin acc to his mother but play politics wid me . i know this !! I also plan everythin n do wat i want , i eat wat i want , i shop n try to enjoy my life. when situation like this come i just face it n be bold .
    though inside i m scared as chicken , but for me leavin is not the option becoz i dont want my ils to b successful in wat they want. i still feel that i can go throug . things r better now n they will be even better.
    luv
     
  9. nebpharm

    nebpharm Bronze IL'ite

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    n ya, no kids yet , but planning soon (I m scared , horrified. but biological clock is clickin!!)I wanna hav own family.
     
  10. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    dear Ria


    a VERY VERY VERY big hug to you. I see your point and hope that your husband will learn to channel his fustration another way. You are right, your ILs should not win! No way.

    take care darling and stay strong, you are doing a great job.


    About kids, maybe wait for another year? Till all is settled down better? How old are you? Chances for healty babies and healty pregnancy are all intact till the age of 35. I don´t think you have reached that age yet...
     
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