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Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by seekingpeace, Jun 26, 2010.

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  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, who cares if your dad says not to move out, or that your husband may call your co-workers. Your dad and coworkers are not getting hit at home. YOU are. Do you think your dad is going to come stand in your place and take a hit from your husband? No. So please think how it is to walk in your shoes, and make a decision based on what YOU think is best for YOU.

    You said that your husband blames you for 'bringing out the worst in him'. No my friend, he brings out the worst in him. That is his personality, and he is out of control. It is a classic abuser technique to blame the victim. Instead of taking responsibility, he is blaming YOU. So if he thinks it's your fault.... what motivation does he have to change himself, when he thinks there's nothing wrong with himself?! See the problem?

    I think he acts out in any way that will put you down. Now it's calling your relatives to stir up your emotions. But what happens if he gets tired of that lame trick and moves on to more physical violence?

    I agree with the others about moving out (even if it's just temporary). I also don't think you should leave your job. When you live by yourself, you can make your own decisions. If you go back to your parents house, suppose they push you to go back to him even if you feel it's not time yet? Then you will be stuck in limbo, with no home of your own to feel safe in. Take an apartment lease by the month. Move out and stay seperate for a little while. Or if you don't feel ready for that, stay in a hotel for a week. Or if even that is too extreme, wait till he hits you again and vow to walk out at that time. But don't just keep letting him hit you and cause this much havoc in your life.
     
  2. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Thanks soo much for your replies...it is very encouraging..i was completely confused and frusturated last nite...after seeing your replies...feeling a lot better and feeling a bit positive...

    H is very supportive in all other aspects except for this..thats why I didnt want to give up easily but was totally depressed by his behavior...he has anger issues..that needs to be sorted out...but first probably i will just be quiet for a couple of weeks and ignore everything...maybe he will come around and apologize...

    as far as abuse is concerned, i have to make him stop it..somehow..promises dont work as it has been broken so many times...but if it happens again i will have to take some strong step i think.

    as far as inlaws ..i cant ignore them ...bcoz of ignoring them when they visited, H started this whole fight..if only i can ignore :spin i just have to bear and grin with them for now till i get H's support.. just cant take the double games MIL plays and H right now believes her than me,...am going to get a mobile with voice recording to record all conversations with MIL to prove to DH:frown:: no other way to prove myself right now

    and I cant switch of H's mobile coz he will go mad if I did that..he doesnt want me to do that..but thats what I did this morning bffre coming to office to get back at ILs they start caling all of H's friends if H doesnt pick up the phone :rotfl this embarrasses H a lot....no solution for this one as long as we are in the same country!!

    i am seriously thinking of going abroad with H to spend some lone time which will denfnly strengthen our bond..but for this to happen i need to convince him slowly..coz ILs are dead against this also !! :rant they already created a huge fight when i told them that prbly me and H can go abroad for few yrs ( told this in beginning of marriage as a casual conversation) and after few days MIL told that her friend's son went only when the son was 50 yrs since he dint want to leave his parents :eek:mg: I was too shocked to hear this..so have to convince DH slowly..he is contemplating this at the back of his mind but worried abt his parents !!

    @tulipzz ..will need ur help in this.happy to know that everyone is very helpful!! .will PM u tonite

    If being silent for a couple of weeks doesnt work then i will htink of moving out or other steps!!
     
  3. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    ok really sorry to trouble you all again but am really going mad...angry mad....

    so i just came home abt an hr back thinking of cooking something nice and just being myself...when my MIL called me....i had reached home and H was already there...so i put on speaker and spoke...MIL started asking whats the problem i heard only now that H hit you and you drank shampoo...what happened...blah blah..i told her to ask her son..she said he is not telling..tats why asking you and what made you do that..i told bcoz he hit me for 3 days consecutively which i cud not take...she was like what made him hit you..what made him soo angry...what did you do..i said i dunno..then she said i know that you dont like me...that is something i wil get used to it..i dunno why though..i replied i never told that i dont like u..cant help if u think like that...then she said u dint talk to me well in those 3 days and i knew u both had a fight then ,..but why are u still fighting

    I: i have never been hit in my life...and that too like that
    MIL: even my H has hit me at times. and my DS has also hit me many times..do u know that..on that day when we were there DS hit me
    I: maybe u are used to that aunty..but am not
    MIL: he has never hit me til he started loving you..even bfre ur marriage he has hit me when i spoke something abt u ( MIL literally assasinated my char even bfre marriage....)

    MIL: I will guarantee he wont hit u again ( H was glaring at me with anger at this time)
    I: sorry aunty i dont believe in that..H promised over my life few months back yet he hit me
    MIL: I am saying..i know abt my son..he wont hit you ( H was shouting something that he will ...)

    I: told abt MIL abt H calling my grandma at midnigt
    MIL: he has troubled his grandma also a lot ....( WTF..how can they compare..i should not behave to them as i behave to my parents as its diff. and i should show respect acc to them..then how the hell can they compare???)

    MIL:this is all bcoz u are very attached to ur family..for u its still ur parents and ur grandma..u are not attached to us. for all these days i have been frightened that u will never get mingled in our family..Dont see ur parents for 6 months...see us every month ...then only u wil bcome part of our family and wont be always thinking abt ur parents... WTF...I WAS SCREAMING INSIDE AFTER SHE TOLD THIS..HOW DARE SHE TALK LIKE THIS..NOW I KNOW HOW SHE IS POISONING MY H....HER PARENTS ARE JUST A STREET AWAY FROM HER WITH WHOM SHE TALKS DAILY AND SHE TELLS ME THIS **** ..ILs have no touch with FIL's side..they are very close to MIL's side and MIL talks to her sisters daily.....Words cannot describe my anger at this...Dunno how I managed to keep quite that time

    I: are u asking me to not be in touch with my parents ( asked in a really calm voice)
    MIL: I am not saying that...but u r too attached and u dont like us..we give u 100% percent freedom..yet u dont like us..dunno why

    I:u say 100%, i can never be free here as am with my parents...am always scared here..
    MIL: what r u saying..we give u 100% freedom..what more do u expect..no one will give this much freedom
    I: to u its 100%, to me its not

    MIL: if u change then all these things will not happen..u have to change ...
    H: ask her to change her character..then I will stop hitting her...

    By this time H picked up the phone and started shouting abt me asking his parents to call my parents and take me away..he was extrememly angry..he was not happy with whatver i said..and esp in btwn when MIL asked 'doesnt my son love u 100%"..i said ' am not sure anymore'..when i said this he got really angry....Anyways after this H started shouting at his parents to call my parents...MIL said she will talk to my parents and all elders will have a panchayat ( dunno if u allw know what that means...in villages they have a head to decide on things) .who the hell are they to decide on my life and what i should do....very very pissed off...then H was shouting abt my sis to my ILs....how dare he talk nonsense abt my family....

    Then FIL called and said i know u dont like us, but thats a different issue, but we cannot see that u both unhappy and blah blah...when he is angry u have to go and talk to him and behave as if nothing happened then only he will come down and blah blah...all guys dunno how to show their anger so they may hit..but u talk to them sweetly and they will forget everything... blah blah..just kept nodding the head so that he will keep the phone down

    I still cannot believe that MIL said that..How dare she..how can anyone say that...seriously dunno how i kept calm..The entire conversation i was very very calm...Now am really in a very very bad mood...i actually came home peacefully and motivated ..and now my mood is in -100 ...

    And to top it H supported what they said...Hell..seriously feel like walking out of this marriage itself.and on the other hand thinking who the hell they are to tell me how i should be...now am even more determined to not live with my ILs....dunno which hatred is high..hatred to walk out of this marriage or hatred towards my ILs...MIL esp...

    Excuse my language in this post and sorry for this loong post....u know am really having a very good career and actually leading a project..but cant handle my pathetic life...i really dont deserve all this......
     
  4. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    ok by the time i finished typing the above incidents ( which was 2 hrs bfre, but cudnt post coz of the incidents)..my dad called H...i immly realized that ILs had spoken to my dad...cudnt hear what my dad was talking, but H was angry and this is what i heard from his side...cudnt

    hear what my dad was talking...

    H: My parents will interfere in my life
    D:......
    H:My parents will be with me
    D.....
    H: W ( Me) doesnt show respect to my parents..she doesnt know how to behave..thats how u brought her up
    D:....
    H: U ( my dad) also shouted many times in public and told one eg where my dad was a lil angry with H ( immly after marriage..as H did not believe in god and we were in a temple..small misunderstanding)...
    D:...
    H: if i had known u were like this bfre marriage, i wud not have chosen ur daughter ( was shocked to hear H talk like this).
    D:....
    H: my parents always respected u...
    D:........
    H: (silent..then) yes....
    D;.....long sentence then something like did u eat
    H: no not yet ...ok...bye

    dunno what my dad really spoke...after the call i did not go near H..but I felt soo calm after my Dad spoke to him...felt so good when someone speaks up for you...my mood immly got lifted and i went and cooked something...then called H to eat and he came ( he was in a better mood) then we both ate with lil bit of talking...H was back to normal ( really dunno how this change happened)...then ILs called H while we were eating..he spoke for 2 mins and kept the call..Now H just prepared some health drink for me ...( I am not well..for the last 1 week)..and just now advised me to take off trow and take rest and gave some tablets..behaving very caringly now!!

    .Dunno how H is almost completely normal now..dunno if its due to Dad or something else??? Will speak to Dad trow and defnly find out...my mood is much much better than how it was after ILs spoke...

    but am going to be very very careful now..first have to find out what dad spoke and defnly if H hits again, then am moving out!!
     
  5. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    amniki

    I really sympathize with you. you are in a very very bad situation. If you dont have kids then get a divorce and move on. you said you have a job. that means u can be self sufficient. Please do not spoil your life with this family. They have lot of abuse. The father hits the mother and the son has picked up on it. they dont find anything wrong with it. This is not the norm even in India. If you have a job please leave this man. These issues will really get worse if you still continue with him and have a child. Please leave for your own safety! Please do not give up your life for this family. Your life is worth way tooooo much for the rest of the world. And be strong. Its better living life by yourself than face this. if village idiots start talking then move to a city. i know easier said than done but please do not tolerate this. you are risking your life here. Hes not worth it.
     
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ,
    Your spouse is not a normal person. Don't let anyone misguide you. I know its hard to start from scratch.But hitting is wrong and he is never going to improve.
    Anyone who can hit their mother are BAD people...

    Pack your bags and leave.I am sorry to say but your dad should have immediately come and picked you up. Don't put up with this.Abusers turn into killers.

    Someone was telling you that move to USA..but that is a bad idea because you will be stuck in an alien country with no support.

    Abuse should not be tolerated. Read these articles. Hope it helps.
    4 Different Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Abusive Relationships
    Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

    Even if a wife is a bad person..the husband or anyone else do not have the right to hit them.

    Take Care.
    FL
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010
  7. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    @foundlove , @psych, Thanks for ur advice..am really confused and dunno which way to go or what to do..too many things happening at once…. Sorry for another long post…but pls find the latest update below….

    ..last nite when my dad had called H, FIL called me and I switched the ph off…due to my mood…so this morning FIL called again and told that he talked to my dad last nite and dad was shouting nonsense..then he went on to insult my dad…and he was talking as if he was talking abt some 3rd person to me…as if he was not talking abt my Dad..FIL was telling ur dad only wants to create prblms..he doesn’t know respect…doesn’t think abt ur future..blah blah blah and then said…u dnt tell any of ur pblms to ur dad..he is not bothered abt ur happiness..he is interested only in fighting.,..u tell to me..we will solve any pblms u have..dnt tell ur dad…tell ur dad that ur fIL will take care of u..blah blah blah…I just kept quite and in the end said ok and kept the phone as I had just gotten up and was in no mood to speak..

    The whole conversation was in presence of my H.had put the phone in speaker…H dint say anything abt the call and I dint say also..after the call H asked me to take leave to rest..but I just said that my BP will increase if I stay home…H got a bit angry and asked the meaning..i said I dunno I just can’t be here at peace I need diversion and started to off…then came off to office…called my dad and found that he was talking to FIL…then when I spoke to dad..he said FIL called him this morning again and said that my parents dint know how to bring up a girl..and all complaints abt me ..and FIL told my dad not to interfere….there was some heated arguments and dad told he will not interfere… Dad was quite upset with everything and was very tensed ..

    Now am just worried abt dad’s health…I know that my FIL will keep calling my dad and troubling him for next few days..told dad not to pick calls from them…dunno if dad will pickup or not…

    Now my main worry is..the way FIL spoke this morning to me as if he will take care of my life and am sure they are going to call me evry now and then daily and expect me to call them back and update on everything….they may even come and stay with us now..am sure of it..earlier they were planning to come in july 2nd week ..am sure they will come and stay and interfere in everything now..since they themselves have given them complete rights over our lives…and when I don’t talk freely or reciprocate ..they will again blame me that even though they want to help..am not changing and fighting….

    Really dunno how to tell them to back off and mind their own business…planning to tell my H to tell them to not talk to me for a few days or not talk abt my parents to me in that way…they have no rights…my BP increases when I think abt how they talked to me abt my parents and my life…..how do I put a stop to this….how…?????

    God..my life is going like a Mega serial..non stop drama when all I want is just peace of mind!!
    Am thinking of talking to H abt the abuse when we are both in a calm and normal state and convince him to see some therapist or someone…for me abuse is not acceptable and I have to make H realize that no matter what ILs say….
     
  8. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    amniki,


    1. Did you say your husband beat his mother?? I am sorry if i misunderstood your post. Is this true? How can anybody beat his mother. Not that one can beat his wife. But I am just in disbelief that somebody can actually beat mother. even more amazing is she is fine with it!
    2. I think there are too many people involved here. Your parents and in-laws. Seems like your parents are forced into the situation.
    3. You know what you can put up with. People have different tolerance limits. Personally I cannot see a man who beats mother and wife and makes cranky calls to grandmother at weird times in a good light.
    Hope you come out of this mess. good luck.
     
  9. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Again kick the guy and his parents out of your life.
    I don't know why educated working girls put up with so much of abuse:bonk:bonk:bonk
    A person who doesnot respect his own Mom can never be a good husband.
    Its your IL's upbringing of their Son and not your parents upbringing of you is causing problems in your married life.
    If I were you I would not talk to MIL and FIL. How can they say they will take care of you when they haven't done that with their own son. They are not God to fix everything.
    Ask H to get counseling. and walk out say you will be back when he is fixed or air his and his parents dirty laundry to the whole world.
    Good luck.
     
  10. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    All,

    Thanks a lot for you advise...right now am planning to give H one last chance..if he hits me for one more time then am defnly moving out...

    and i have to make him see a therapist for his anger..dunno how..this is my first priority as of now.

    .and as for ILs..i will ignore whatever they say... but if any of them talk meanly abt my parents...really dunno what i will do...just thinking of what they told makes me sooo angry..:spin
     
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