Manipulative, possessive ILs..pls help

Dear Amniki,

First of all you need to acknowledge something-

• You are in an abusive marriage.
• No matter who provokes it but its your husband's fault that he hits you and no one elses.
• He will never change as he thinks he is right no matter what.

You need to leave him immediately and don't care if he calls n no of people or calls all your relatives because when he is hurting you these people are peacefully sleeping in their homes.

I knew my ex husband for 4 yrs before I married him. He was abusive and made me feel guilty at first. He also went through the apologising and crying phase. But never changed his ways. It took me 8 years to realise that he cannot change. Don't make that mistake and leave him immediately.

Google cycle of violence so you can understand what physical abuse is and why it is so dangerous.

No matter what...you don't deserve this. Go for trial seperation.

Take care and good luck
FL

 

Oh my my!! My inlaws are just the same. They are slightly toned down. MIL calls DH just 1ce a day and she rarely shouts at him...all the drama is done with love and silence (my MIL too is a big drama queen)... rest all is just the same. Fights with her siblings, controlling FIL, asking me to wear sarees of her choice etc etc.

Having been in your situation, I've thought about this option of moving out of the house several times. But you know what, I know for sure, that MIL will hit DH on his ego so badly, that he will never come looking for me. If at all I return, MIL will create a big drama again, calling my parents for a discussion. I know I will end up apologising to MIL, FIL and even SIL in front of everyone. My parents too will apologize.

I think the best solution for you both is to 'run away' abroad. US is the best (bcoz of the time zone)... Think about it and contact me if you need help in migrating. I run a visa consultancy and I can help you (for free).

I know your situation, your feelings etc because I've been there. I can feel your pain. Dont take hasty decisions.

I too think your dad's suggestion is the best. BE adamant. Dont talk to him for min a month. Even if he tries to patchup, tell him that he broke your trust and he broke your heart and dont give in. He should totally understand what it feels like without love and support and he should have some time to thing through it.

Dont react even if provoked. And please maintain your peace. I suffered a mental breakdown fighting (with MIL, SIL, DH) and now my health is in deep mess. Dont get things to this stage. Silent treatment works. Its the best.

and if God is seeing from above, I really wish he teaches your nasty MIL a lesson.

 

hi
though everyone has suggested separation, i feel that is not the right solution. it is always easy to break than to make. for all the love your dh showered on you and you on him, you are going to break it just for the sake of ILs . who is going to benefit out of it. anyways it is your life, and you should save it from the clutches of your mil. your dad is also not supportive of separation,so why not give one more chance.
i do not support your dh hitting you. you should find an alternative to stop this. i personally feel that if you ignore your mil's acts(like calling 10 times, at odd hrs etc.)pl. put the phone off the hook when dh has started sleeping and see the difference, the next day. no one would like to have a disturbed sleep in the night. if he gets used to it he himself will find a way to put his mom at arms distance. i think that your dh is not having any foolproof method thro which he can diplomatically put her in some distance.you supply him with one after the other idea sneakily so that he picks up the clue and follows you in dealing with your ils

 

I agree with Ushkrish.

Separation should be your last option if you love DH.

Be at peace and try out all other options before you decide to seperate.

 

I too agree with this. My MIL made my life miserable. When I suffered a mental breakdown and took professional help, DH told everything to MIL. She knows what shez done to me but she NEVER apologized.

Your anniv spoling is a small thing. MIL can do it every year and not feel bad about it. Dont expect an apology from her for anything. That position assumes some unstated superiority in our damn society.

 

hi niki
i donna wher to start...seems like ur in real turmoil...but hey u can do a lot...listen nikki life is jus bout givin and takin....if ur hubby doesn likes u talkin bout his parents then quit talkin bout his parents....don complain or even bring up ther name on his face.....except for this one fact for everythin else ur hubby supports u and takes care of u rite??if ur in laws don like u ....the heck with them...nikki listen ur married and ur first preference has to be fr ur dh....don involve ur parents after ur marriage...it will seem like they'll support u but hw long...its ur life and u have to make the decisions for ur life..but make sure that he doesn hit u...its beyond limits...jus forget that ur inlaws even exists....thats one option or give them unconditional love (show them that u love them no matter what they do and also make ur hubby understand the amount of trouble ur goin tro for makin ur relationship wrk with ur inlaws)thts another option....don move outta ur house nikki...u kno what at-last they'll forget what the fight waz about, but they'll stick onto u movin out and make that a biggggg issue ...so my opinion never move out....stay wher u are and fite coz this is ur life ...u need to live it and live it happily....sure ull do great ...my prayers will be for u..cheers take care

 

Hi Answers to your questions below

1) should i also put drama like my MIL for each and everything

No never do it .Don't try to take the negative effect of any person your are living or interacting with .Already your DH is in enough trouble with MIL drama .If you continue it will just push your DH to further fury like which is already budding now


2) should i just be the loving wife and not complain and hope that DH trusts me?

Not all the time .Do not take any physical abuse .Thats un accepatable.If you know his anger cannot be controlled just move out of the scene or room don't argue when he is shouting .Your DH seems to have an anger issue .


3) should i fight dir with inlaws

No not now .but be assertive .NO point in fighting .I am sure your DH will stand up for you in future .As he was nice when your parents came despite the in l laws heating his head out .

You should have done the same thing when your inlwas vistied .

Though they are the reason for the turmoil and you and you DH knew about it and he still supported you when your parents came can't you reciprocate the same thing .You could have adjusted for a few days which would have saved you from this mess now .I know your MIL is manipulative ,senseless but you don't become one in order to win your DH back .


4) am thinking of moving out of house when ILs come and fight next time..i can stay with friends..i think this will scare them and my DH and maybe not fight too much with me next time?

No be there in your house and have a nice talk before they come with your DH .Don't complain about them to your DH.try to keep your sanity when they come .I am sure your DH will support you withinh 2 visits .


5) how do i make DH stop talking to them like 10 times a day?

YOu cannot and you don't want to do it as well.Let your DH decide that.Whats woring if talks even 100 times as long as it does not bother you .Leave them alone .These types of insecuity lies on all In laws duringe arly days of marriage esp the love marriages .give it some time your DH will stop it by himself



a month after marriage MIL complained to DH that he talks less now than bfre and he was talking 10 times a day then!! They call at night and at times at midnight and its very irritating no matter how much i try to ignore..they want to know each and every thing that he does and what i cook and what i do...its over an year and its not decreasing at all..even if he doesnt call they call and demand why he didnt call? talking daily is ok..but 10 times a day???
6) How should i make DH not to hit me ever again..should i leave house for a few days or what should i do? maybe pretend to do self harm?

This is very important .DOn't take any abuse any more .Don't pretend so self harm.Its insane.When he is angry try to leave the room and come out when he is calm .Or tell him that you will call the cops the next time he hits

 

all damn inlaws are alike. My inlaws do this all the time. whenever there is an arguement, what I spoke is always on the table and the purpose of the arguement is long forgotten. MIL,FIL, SIL and DH would all give me gyan about what I said and how I should be behaving...God, I have no clue why I was so submissive...it was like a big part of my personality was sleeping for 2 yrs. I let them do it. and when I woke up, it was too late. I had to deal with the consequences it had on my health.

I am not going to take 1 bit of **** from them. I made this clear to DH and inlaws. I live as though inlaws dont exist at all. Its good for me this way. I know it hit my MILs ego a lot when I asked her to mind her business (and language) and she is waiting like a fox for an opportunity. DHs ego is also perhaps hurt because I am not subservient anymore. If thats a problem, I decided to let him handle it. I am as educated as he is and I have a successful career. I have absolutely no need to take crap from anyone (including DH)... Relationship is about giving and taking respect (in the first place). If that doesnt exist. Nothing else exists.

Sorry for hijacking your thread. Just felt like venting.

 

Niki,

It is time to wake up and see and accept the reality. You did give DH the benefit of doubt but seems liek he is wrong....people just dont beat their wives just because they lost it and then go back to being a sane human being all loving and stuff.
As harsh as it may sound....nothing is going to change. The 1st year of my marriage was the exact same scenario except that my DH is not a wife beater...absive controlling inlaws.......treating my parents like BS.....same story and trust me girl.....nothing is going to change unless you want to.
You would think you can change DH but no...they never change even if they want to as the ILs have excellent brainwashing abilities....no matter how you try...lovingly..... fight cry scream that part aint changing,,,\
YOU should stand up for yourslef and make it clear to them you aint gonna take their crap both ILs and DH.
I know it is very very hard...it has been years n i still havent been able to do it and now i look bk and think may be if iw as strong in the first few months n fought back things wuve been different.
Ignore your DH ....for as long as youc an...except the basic ehtics u ened to maintain...heloo GM...gnight etc etc.
I would do the whole askin perm thing but my DH culdnt care less......
Try to engage yourself in otehr activites......like a yoga class etc which will help u stay out of the house longer.....or read a book once you are done with household chores etc.
As far as ur inlaws ....put ur foot down n care a damn and ask them to go to hell!

I hope things get better for u.......ur not a toy ....that ur DH can beat arounbd as per his whim and fancy! What is wrong with all these men and y d heck do they get married if they aint man enuf...X--(