Malathi And Her Mother-in-law - A Real Life Story!

Without any offence to either Malathi, Shiva or the MIL, I want to ask "Why are women who live their lives on a pedestal sacrificing x y and z of their lives appreciated as being 'true Indian woman'??"

I dont mean to disrespect anyone here.

My mother has done the same. Sacrificed her life for her MIL didn't like x y and z in her. Many others do the same, probably even my MIL.

But what does such a woman achieve in the end? 25 years of seva and living with dreams quietened with force, tears or realisation that it wont be worth it? A thousand broken dreams and one sentence at the end of these 25 years that "you were good".

What does that statement change?

Will those thousand dreams return? Will that life wasted on trying to create and maintain peace instead of stealing some precious moments of joy return? Will the Malathis of the world get a chance to live their married life again?

And her reply "My DIL is another story" means that her struggle continues..! May be not, may be I am over-analysing, but the fact that she gave up her life and her right to be and spend some nice time with her husband makes me so sad.

Of course I respect her for the sacrifices she made. But I dont think we should do that. Because, if others have just one life to live and fulfill their dreams, so do women.

It really saddens me to read this.

 

Dear smriti.....

Very well said .....what will happen if they will say you are bad DIL or what will happen if they will say you were good......my MIL doen't eat my hand's food all family members tries to convince her please have food...i also asks one time with polite manner.....but after so many trial...my dh was very disturbed that his mother is not eating my hand's food.....i asked him "KYA HO JAYEEGA AGAR VO KHALENGI MERE HATH KA BANA HUA KHANA.......AUR KYA HO JAAYEGA AGAR NAHI KHAAYENGI TO" MERA KYA JAAYEGA? all persons in our family were consoling me the day will come ..and she will taste your food for sure....i can't say anything to them...but i said this to my dh.
what will happen if we will not win best DIL medal ??

 

Dear Sridhar,

Smriti has a point. There is no question in my mind that Malathi's sacrifices need to be revered. But this real life story poses more questions than answers. What is the premises on which Malathi's MIL assumed that she would take away her son? What did Malathi's husband do to make her mother realize his wife is a loving person with no such intentions? How her husband is a loving person if he stays silent to the evil treatment of his mother? How do we define a loving husband? What did father in law and brother in law (two other male members in the family) do to restore a decent level of happiness for Malathi in her marriage such us a) going out with the husband, b) serving dinner to her husband and c) speak to her husband outside of her bedroom?

While grin and bear attitude of daughter in law is projected as a success story as she never hated her MIL, how many such real stories we have come to know where a husband stands up and tells his mom that she should stop ill treating his wife? How many fathers in law are worshiped for rescuing the dignity of their daughters-in-law? Is taking son physically away from the sight of the mother amount to separating mother/son relationship? Is it possible to put an end to a son loving his mother? If a mother has raised her son with a lot of love, why should she think that her son's love for her will deteriorate by the love shown by the son's wife? Isn't it a tacit admission by MIL that physical relationship is powerful than motherly love? What is the point in being afraid of husband and wife relationship if the purpose of marrying is to demonstrate mutual love and procreation?

If a MIL underwent such treatment from her MIL, does it justify her repeating that model as a family trait? Is it not necessary for her to learn lessons out of it and treat her DIL better? Is it not necessary to treat a girl who is uprooted from her family in the name of the marriage be loved and emotionally supported?

If a person ill treats a daughter-in-law for 25 to 30 years and finally regret for her mistakes, does it rectify her error in judgment? Will that relieve her from the Karma she accumulated? It is true forgiveness helps one to be a better person but will that give back the lost opportunity to interact with the young husband? Isn't it a fact that wife asks the husband, "Will I get back the life that I lost in the last so many years?" What answer a husband has for that?

It is my humble opinion that the entire family should welcome a new DIL with open heart and even one person behaves badly, the others should jump in and correct them rather than DIL defending herself. If DIL is at fault, it is the husband who should talk to her and not other members. This will create an ideal living condition for married couple. If a mother guided her husband and children to success, when the son gets married, it is his wife's duty to do that to her husband and children. Every lady in the house has a prime time and when it is over, she should accept it gracefully. That does not mean the son should stop loving the mother. But he should take guidance from his wife how to run his family.

Viswa

 

My MIL would expect the same from me, as a DIL to sacrifice my entire happiness, ownership to husband and freedom, to gain her reputation at the end of her life (probably 20-30 years later). What's the use?

My husband would like to live a romantic, happy and peaceful life with me, but unfortunately he's been constantly misguided by in laws, specially his mother.

He knows that any of his attempts to make his mother realize her mistake would cause serious damage in his relationship with her. She doesn't need a realization, as she is very well aware of the consequences of her doing. All she needs is validation. My husband, or any husband in this world is not ready to spoil their relationships with their own folks. This is what called blood relationships.

If it was the case, and if I were a man, I would also think twice to cut ties with my own loving mom for my wife. Even as a woman, I don't dare to do it.
But we woman usually have easy parents, who never interfere or make any attempts to spoil our lives. Handling them is very very easy compared to our husband's parents.

For example : My mother would encourage me to spend a happy second honey moon in somewhere else. If I propose this idea to my parents, my dad would see if he could help us in anyway. Mom would prepare some snacks and would volunteer to baby sit my child during that time. It is mainly because my parents want us to live a peaceful, loving and improved marriage life.

If my husband propose the same plan to his parents, they would make some sarcastic remarks at my husband to make him feel low, and then will compare him with whoever the guy who sacrificed his first honeymoon for his parents, and would bring 10000000s of demands to make him prioritize them over our vacation.

Obviously handling a parent by a married Indian male is not easy. Our society is like that, and no one can change it over night... To implement or even to think of women's rights and equality, we just have to pray our Gods to be born in somewhere else at least in our next birth.

But, ya.. Not all the parents' of husbands are bad.... There are some good souls they dearly love their sons and wants to see him happy with his wife. They even bear some unreasonable DILs for the sake of their dear son's happiness. The truth is, it is very hard to find them... At least some non-interfering souls (as in laws) would make even a normal marriage like heaven.

 

Today's generation is in a sadder situation - on one hand they have the option of standing up and fighting for their rights or on the other they can continue to take all the ill-treatment and suffer. The choice is only between misery within the marriage or outside of it. Even if they fight for their rights and stay in the marriage, the very fact that they get maligned for THAT is very unfortunate. Ultimately I wonder whether women in our society - mils or dils - will ever be able to just be themselves without being judged at every step of their lives.

 

My marriage happened in oct,2011.
November,2011: my DH bought house already before 3 years for his future family. all are know that, he want to shift to new house once he got married. this is DH plan. not mine. so we moved to new house.
December,2011: FIL got health issue & joined in hospital. because co-sis is working, i only should take care him in hospital & mil is not young like me. so she stayed at home. after discharge, PIL shifted to my home because i am not working. so i should take care them because they are patients & aged.
oct,2011-june,2012: i behaves like a malathi in my first 1.5 yrs of life at ILs house. i did a lot to PILs like respecting PILs, cooking & serving, caring about their health,washing cloths,cleaning their room, maintaining house hold works ,caring husbands every work at home...so on. i runs every time to hospital for PIL health issues because DH will not available at home due to office. i didn't say back single word to my MIL & FIL even once. unfortunately i am also younger DIL like malathi. so every time i got compared with elder DIL in every case which hurts me alot. but i maintained silence & cried in my room alone. i digest myself that they are my family members. so i should adjust with them & i should do my duty whatever my problems i had with them. so i fallowed good DIL rules in silent way even i am also PG graduate.

july,2012: my elder BIL & DIL are taken PILs with them for their children purpose because they both are working.

after 20 days my DH left me in BIL(PILs are there) house because he went to camp just for 3 days. i am 3 months pregnant by that time.

Treatment towards me:
a. Breakfast by 10 A.M for pregnant lady that too 2 dosa & jam. not even milk or tea offered until 10. am. i had worst hunger because my baby in my womb is hungry.

b. elder DIL & MIL are arguing themselves in case of my Lunch preparations. in between elder DIL murmuring badly about my parents. it hurts me. but MIL is not uttering single word to her while she is murmuring badly about me. mental torcher to my mind.

c. even house is having guest bed room & bed in it, no arrangements on it for me. they dumped a old TV & cloths on that bed, i shared bed with MIL.

d. i didn't get full meals there even for single day in my hosting. finally i want to out from that house because i dont want to suffer my womb baby because of them.

after 2.5 days just i informed to PIL & DIL while coming out of that house.i didn't care their call backs even i herd.

after my DH reached, BIL & DIL called us(DH & me) had a complaints bunch on me that, i didn't respect them properly for last 1.5 years. as well as they confirmed that my MIL cried before of them & made complaints on me. so i didnt wish to keep PIL with me. finally whatever they(Co-sis) murmured about me is their rights because they are elders. whatever i did to protect my self is wrong things. so i should say sorry to co-sis. this is judgement given by PILs finally. hear PIL block mailed me that if i really respect their words as good DIL, say sorry to co-sis. other wise my respect is faulty thing.

Mr. varalotti, i got bad name for my good service to PIL. i lost my romantic things with DH because of PILs. i got shot on my self respect because to show as good DIL. i joined in ICU with 3 months pregnancy because of PIL shock treatment & got situation that i might lost my baby. finally i got all bad respect & bad name for my good thinking .

i am questioning you "still i should respect them like in previous days just because for my childrens marriage purpose?"

 

sorry to hear about you ...tell me h r u n ur baby ...

 

i am tough nut now because of IL supportive helpful posts. so i am happy. my baby is premature. but now he is fine.

 

Hi Sir ,

Read the post and felt first that how malathy shifted indivually to separate home suddenly ,,, her fil has supported her and so i thought her life is easy when compared to many others here ,.. But later understood her quality and because of her good quality , her fil has supported her at the right time ..

i am also undergoing hardships now in these 3 yrs of marriage ... and even if my inlaws goes out fr any work fr some days , my husband does not take me to places out of his interest .. i have also had developed hard feelings because my parents are staying alone and as a child i could not take care of them .. that kills me the most than ever and that has started developing hatered towards my inlaws. .. but m living with them and adjusting ...

if we are also a person like malathy not developing any hatred , i think we will get some support from anyone in the family ... but practically , i could never do that i get the tension build up soon and anger in my heart for them ,,,

 

What's so great in what she did? She did what most other dils in her circumstances would do.. The only good thing I could find is that she maintained a good attitude towards life's challenges, not just her MIL.she tolerated a lifetime to loneliness, sorrow and burial of her dreams to get a good dil tag after so many years! Why bother.. Her circumstances and society was different but in today's life I would have no respect for a woman who wants to endure being a doormat and get praised for it after years,. We have one life and we owe it to our parents and ourselves to be treated decently.. Of course, its each persons choice but to endure nonsense and paint yourself weak and helpless after all the education and liberation we have is just foolish IMO..
Was jus wondering if you were so impressed because you are a man and havent heard stories of too many women.. Jus wondering, I don't mean any offense.. Cos my grandmom, mom , mil n every other woman I know from the previous generation has a similar story. I used to think divorce is so bad when I was a teenager but along the way I have started felling that its not worth sacrificing your whole life and ending up resentful and angry. Thankfully I don't stay with my in laws but my MIL did try to give me a tough time initially. However I realised along the way that it is not worth being unhappy due to her small mindedness. I don't let her bother me but I don't tolerate any nonsense either. I think that's better than bottling up and getting resentful.